Lesbian in pain

[TaraBull]

Please [bear] with me, this might be long.

 

A little back story. I'm 31 and a lesbian. She's 33 and a lesbian. We met online as most lesbian couples do. She pursued me hard. I straight out told her I wasn't ready but she kept at it and I started to fall for her. I cannot count the times either of us broke up with eachother. We are terrible at communicating and for the first little while i had such horrible anxiety around her. In fact i thought she was here to hurt me. Turns out I have issues greater than I realized and I am getting help for them now.

 

It wasn't all bad. We made amazing memories together in only 8 months. She was very attentive to my needs and always surprising me with homemade gifts and made me feel like I was so special. She was the one to make it official, say she loved me all of it. We moved fast. Too fast. She moved in with me within a few weeks and we hardly spent a night apart in 8 months. We talked seriously about building a life together. We budgeted together for a house, car, kids. She was working on getting her credit better. We even went to therapy together.

 

I admit my faults, that includes rushing things but who wouldn't when after years of failed relationships finding someone you connect so deeply with and genuinely want all the same things. She was terrible at communicating. She would hold things inside and then just explode with rage and scream or slam doors which scared me. She started telling me she needed time and space and me being me I did not compute. So inevitably she broke up with me for what I thought was the final time. She said she never wants to see me again. She was sobbing and hugging and kissing me telling me she loves me and this is the hardest thing she has ever done. I let her go.

 

Fast forward to about 2 weeks later and she agrees to meet up. We go to a park and laid in a hammock, kissing and talking for hours. She really seems to be working on herself, more self care, therapy, you name it and says I'm the reason why. She apologized for how awful she treated me and wasn't herself and wants to learn why so it never happens again.

 

I thought for sure the whole break up line of "I want to work on myself" meant I just don't love you anymore and dont want to be with you. It's looking like she actually meant what she said. I invited her over the next day and we had a great evening together too. We both agreed not to see other people. She also asked me to go on a date with her tomorrow.

 

I can't help stressing about everything. She said she's afraid of commitment and knows I am the real deal and am serious. I would marry her right now if I thought she said yes. I have a nagging feeling she could be leading me on and wasting my time while she betters herself. I don't like thinking that way but I'd rather be prepared than be heartbroken again. We both know things can't go back the way it was and that things would have to be different.

 

What do you guys think? I really need some insight and objectivity here. I'm worried that she likes that falling in love feeling and the novelty but when things get real wants to run. I really love this woman but I don't want to waste my time. She says she sees a future together but doesn't know what it looks like. Where do I go from here?

Edited August 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SpecialJ]

It is unlikely anything changed in two weeks, and you two are already rushing back in to everything.

 

If she's telling you she's afraid of commitment, but that's what you desire, you're going to end up getting hurt again. There's a good reason you're feeling anxious again.

 

It's good you're both in therapy -- why don't you talk to your therapist during an individual session about healthy options for moving forward in this situation? It may be a matter of slowing down and good boundaries, and not necessarily a waste of time. But there's a distinct possibility that there's too much emotional instability in the connection you two have right now for it to go smoothly in the immediate future.

[ExpatInItaly]

It seems you both need to mature a lot and significantly improve your relationship skills.

 

I doubt much tangible change has taken place in your time apart, only because not much time has elapsed. The kind of change you both need to make is the type that takes a long time. She is telling you she is afraid of commitment, and given your history of dysfunction together, I would not rule out her bolting again the moment you start to get more serious.

 

Personally, I would not attempt to revive this. I think you would be better off to continue on your own path to emotional stability so you can someday find an emotionally healthy woman to build a real future with. If you have doubts, I would talk to your therapist and get her/his professional input.

[marky00]

That was a nice admission by her and I agree its more than the cliche lines that usually mean the exact opposite.

 

But the problem is the damage is done and the past can't be re-written. And to get to a place where she can make those changes, she would need to be away from you for quite a while to work on herself and by then reconciliation won't really make sense.

 

Your best play here is to stay No Contact. She will probably contact you every now and then but its usually best to just let the contact slide until she comes out with something rather substantial.

[Downtown]

Tara, the numerous breakups/makeups and your GF's tendency to rage and scream may be due to her being unable to control her own emotions. If that is an issue, however, you likely should be seeing a strong fear of abandonment.

 

I therefore ask whether her frequent hissy fits and temper tantrums has been accompanied by signs that she has a strong abandonment fear. For example, about 4 to 6 months into your 3-year relationship, did she start showing irrational jealousy over harmless events -- or start attempting to isolate you away from close friends and family?

 

Also, does she exhibit a heavy reliance on black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction? If it is occurring, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always..." and "you never...."

[major_merrick]

I'd give her a chance, but with caution. Sometimes it takes people forever to overcome whatever baggage they are bringing with them. In the past, I was the erratic partner that wanted to commit one day and ran off the next. I would say that your partner is mostly just scared of several things. She's scared that a relationship will take away her own identity. She's scared that the lack of a relationship will mean her identity remains incomplete. She's scared to be abandoned. She's scared that committing means losing out on other choices. She's scared of growing old alone. She's scared of missing out on what's left of her youth and freedom.

 

That's a lot of possible fears, isn't it? And that's just what I can think of, and I'm sure there are more. Getting past it is difficult.

[vickyp]

I wouldn't take her back. Shes already left you. Left you heart broken once. Why put yourself threw that again? Or wonder in the back of mind, if she will bolt again. Best of luck to you

[whichwayisup]

IF you do decide to give her another chance, take it slow and 'date'. No more living together. Would she be willing to do couples therapy with you? Seems the dynamic wasn't good and communication wasn't great either.