My story

[Garfield2018]

I am a MM with two small children. When I got married 10 years ago I knew I made a mistake. There was a lot of external forces driving me into the marriage and I was weak minded to be honest. I was also content as I thought life was "OK". I was mistaken.

 

Anyways 18 months ago I met MW. For 15 months we cycled together at our local club. Some months would pass without seeing one another. She was very happily married and wanted to start a family. She thought I was also happily married as this was the perception I put out there.

 

There was absolutely no intent from anyone for anything more than just enjoy our sport. There was however also a lot of distractions on my side during these 15 months with multiple close family members falling ill and passing on which probably distracted me.

 

Anyways so one day she text me that she had feelings for me. I played it down. I mailed her the next few days and made it clear that any form of relationship other than friendship was impossible. I mean I was married with children and she was so far off limits in any case for met.

 

The next ride we rode alone and spoke about the fact that nothing will and can happen. It was all good and both parties was happy. I made the mistake of looking into her eyes when saying bye (up until now we have never done anything other than give quick hugs when saying hello) That evening about 4 hours later we where planning on sleeping together and we did.

 

There has however one major complication. 4 weeks later she found out she was 7 weeks pregnant. Obviously not mine.

 

Since then the last three months have been crazy. We are an incredible match emotionally, intellectually and psychically.

 

Current time

 

So now I am in the final stages of my divorce. It is unchallenged as my wife also realized it was dead once I started discussing our issues. I made a brave choice as we have 2 little kids but I have to say we are doing very well in divorcing amicable and everyone is well cared for.

 

Not sure what impact the MW had on this decision - I keep telling myself that I am better off alone in any case - that the MW just confirmed what I always suspected that there is more to life than going through the motions. Regardless the problem is we cant be together. Her baby is her's and her husbands and she have decided to stay with him. She is only doing this for the baby's sake. She is also feeling very guilty and scared of the repercussions should the affair surface.

 

We are desperately trying to end the "affair" (feels so cheap calling it that). But we are failing spectacularly and we are pathetic in our efforts to be honest. Her husband is not supporting her on any level.

 

I should probably man up and go NC for her sake but I just cant. I am way too selfish. On the one side she needs me because she is going through a very tough time (yes self inflicted mainly but pregnancy is also tough). We invested so much in our relationship I just cannot see us throwing it away. I also definitely do not have any emotional capacity for someone new in my life for the foreseeable future. I need to focus on my kids and stability.

 

She admitted that had it not been for the pregnancy she would have also divorced - this is my main problem. How can she feel like this and then say she wants to try again with her husband? (nobody knows of the affair for what its worth)

 

Lastly I am willing (and will be able to) to take care of her and the little one forever but I don't want to push this agenda too hard as I need her to make that decision by herself.

 

So do I back off and let her go and if she comeback it is meant to be? (like in the fairy tales which is also easier said than done). That is the obvious answer. My concern however is that if I do that then she will replicate my marriage. She will be content and baby will keep her busy and only realize she is not really happy 5 years down the line and then it is too late for both of us.

 

Advice?

[niteandfog]

Not to sound difficult but are you sure you want to make her happy or do you have concerns you would end getting together for the wrong reasons?

 

My MM (now BF) and I met at running club. We were both married at the time but he always said (just like you) that he only got married / stayed with his wife to go through the motions and make other people happy.

 

Nine almost ten months later we're happy, however we were not ableto keep our affair secret and the fallout is there, so be ready for that.

 

We've always said that our live trickles down to our children. My daughter and him get along very well (they were even talking about what OUR new house would look like) so I know he's going to be a great stepdad

 

Anyways, the bottom line is that if she's sure she wanted to leave her marriage regardless of your existence, then it was the right choice. And now you can build a future together as a new/blended family, but it will take time

[anika99]

You said at the beginning of your post that your MW was very happily married when you met her. If she was happy with her husband before what makes you so sure that she won't be happy with him 5yrs from now? Seems to me that the only reason she is unhappy now is because of this affair.

 

Affairs are not reality. They are built on fantasy and secrecy, which builds up a lot of intensity and passion that isn't sustainable in a long term relationship. If your MW were to leave her husband for you she would likely be disappointed to find out that the passion and infatuation fades in all longterm relationships. When reality hits she may resent you or blame you for your part in breaking apart what was once a happy marriage.

 

Her and her husband are expecting their first child together. This should be a time of happiness and joy for them but instead the whole experience is being sullied by this affair. She is tainting her future memories of her pregnancy and child by living this life of deceit. She needs to make a decision but I suspect that if she bails on her husband, whom she was perfectly happy with before you came along, she will come to regret it.

[Vivir]

So, to add onto what anika wrote, you would do well to follow your first mind and leave your MW to it.

 

Back away.

Like you wrote previously, Garfield, you need this time to yourself to figure out your own stability for you and your children once your divorce is final. That stability includes your emotional and mental well-being. You will need to process a new life without your current wife and come to terms with that new life. You have already said that you would not have the (emotional?) capacity initially to deal with these heavy issues so soon after your divorce is final.

 

 

Furthermore, your MW will need to figure this out on her own, without your input. I would hate it for you if her husband discovers this affair. She would NEVER be able to convince him that the baby is not yours. And who knows what he would do to wreck your world. He could inform your current wife, and she might rethink this amicable divorce thing... I would also hate it for you if you end up with your MW but then she eventually came to blame you for any bad that happened in her marriage, citing your influence in her decision-making. You WILL get hurt.

 

She should not divorce for you, but because she wants to get out of the marriage.

Best of luck. Once an affair starts, someone always ends up getting hurt. You can take the brunt of that hurt early and lessen your pain by backing away and letting her figure it out on her own time.

Edited August 15, 2018 by Vivir

[What_Did_I_Do]

I know it's so hard to walk away but OP, your MW is not leaving her marriage. And definitely not with a baby on the way. She'll continue to string you along until either she gets caught or ends your A due to sheer exhaustion from taking care of a newborn.

 

Maybe this A expedited the dissolution of your marriage (aka exit affair). Now would be a good time to put aside your thoughts and feelings for this MW and dig deep. Do you REALLY want the M to end or was this affair a wake up call to try everything and anything to salvage what your and your wife have. From the beginning of your post it sounded like you were done with the M. That's ok but just know it and accept it 100%.

 

Don't worry about having feelings for someone else in a future RL right now. You need to grieve the end of your M..and the end of this affair.

[Garfield2018]

Anika. Regarding your question I think "being happy" depends on if you know what real happiness is? When are you happy and when do you think you are happy? I have come to realize that people assume a lot of things in life and the problem is that sometimes they just don't know any better. Is this not the problem with society - us being sheep. I ask too many questions I guess. I truly know we (myself and MW) would / could be very very happy together forever because we get so much return for effort put into one another and I will keep on putting in the effort because I love what I am getting back. Another thing is we are both decent sincere straight thinking people (yes I know there be a lot said about that statement). We don't do lies. Also we got to know each other in a controlled safe environment. There was no intent and no psychical connection. I took a long time. We became friends. This was not a hormone based adrenaline living on the edge type of thing. Despite it being labeled an "affair" it actually had a pretty amazing start.

 

You meet someone you think you are compatible and you marry. Fact is that there are more compatible people out there. I believe if the gap is too big between what you have and what you then see is out there the trouble starts (along with maybe not putting effort into your existing marriage). However if you meet someone very compatible then I highly doubt the cycle will repeat. (if it does again what kind of person are you then really?). I have learned so much about relationships.

 

Also the appearance was that they were happy - the very same illusion / appearance I put out there for everyone to see. Happy Facebook photos etc.......

 

We (I) don't specialize in affairs. In fact now that we (I) know the "warning signs" and or no go areas I can promise you I (and she) will run away very quickly once the earliest signs reappear. I also now know that if you keep on investing in a relationship then you keep getting out so the equation is simple. If you are focused on your partner it will be OK. If you are focused on your partner you should pickup immediately if something does go wrong and when you can still remedy it. I am however not Dr Phill so these are only my insights

 

Before you ask why didnt/dont I invest in my soon to be Ex-wife then the answer is that we are on a different planet intellectually. It is impossible to have proper conversations because we just cant. There are other reasons as well but I would rather not go into them.

 

I work in an office where there is an 70% female ratio. They are intelligent and attractive. I have worked here for 15 years. We do work functions, socialize etc yet nothing has ever happened. I have never felt threatened or uncomfortable - as I said this "affair" thing was not even in my frame of reference.

 

As for the rest of the responses as well thank you.

 

I know what I must do and that is stop being selfish. I will break it off and focus on my kids and my work etc and being happy by myself.

 

However this is easier said than done. I have already started the process.....................

 

I have learned so much about myself, love, life, relationships and being honest with one self (yes that right) in this whole period I can take so much away from it with me going forward (despite it being an "affair" which is horrible and I know I will be judged on this forum)

Edited August 16, 2018 by Garfield2018

[FMW]

Garfield I hope you continue the process of going NC with your AP and are successful. You don't want to play any part in her decision on what to do with her marriage, especially with a baby on the way.

 

Unless and until she decides, on her own, that her marriage is over and she is actually divorced you should not be in contact or have any part in each others' lives. She doesn't need YOUR support while she's still holding on to her husband and their marriage. If he is not supporting her, as you say, then that will be something she has to take into consideration in making her decision. You giving her support only helps make staying in her marriage easier for her. Why should she make the hard decisions when you show her she can have both her marriage and you?

 

Really connecting and feeling with someone after so long of not having that in your life is addictive and you want to hold on to what/who gives you that feeling. But holding on to it blindly will bring you a whole other world of hurt and damage. Read the posts in this section of the forum and let it sink in.

 

You absolutely do need to focus on your children, helping them adjust to the new situation. You also need to spend time being single and making sure you really know who you are as an individual and not just as part of a couple. Because at this stage between your marriage ending and your affair still in progress you really do NOT know yourself. I can guarantee you that.

[Garfield2018]

Garfield I hope you continue the process of going NC with your AP and are successful. You don't want to play any part in her decision on what to do with her marriage, especially with a baby on the way.

 

Unless and until she decides, on her own, that her marriage is over and she is actually divorced you should not be in contact or have any part in each others' lives. She doesn't need YOUR support while she's still holding on to her husband and their marriage. If he is not supporting her, as you say, then that will be something she has to take into consideration in making her decision. You giving her support only helps make staying in her marriage easier for her. Why should she make the hard decisions when you show her she can have both her marriage and you?

 

Really connecting and feeling with someone after so long of not having that in your life is addictive and you want to hold on to what/who gives you that feeling. But holding on to it blindly will bring you a whole other world of hurt and damage. Read the posts in this section of the forum and let it sink in.

 

You absolutely do need to focus on your children, helping them adjust to the new situation. You also need to spend time being single and making sure you really know who you are as an individual and not just as part of a couple. Because at this stage between your marriage ending and your affair still in progress you really do NOT know yourself. I can guarantee you that.

 

Thank you for the message. You are right. This is the only way forward. This is also the only "honorable" way should there be a future for us. (not that the word honor should really feature in this thread) Leaving her husband now and practically moving in with me will effectively expose the A.

 

Whilst I don't care "what people say" - as someone else mentioned I don't want to be the main reason the baby did not have a chance with its family.

 

She should have the baby and try to work out things with her husband (or the other way around). If their marriage really doesn't work out - who knows - but I should not be the primary reason for it. I am however placing very little hope on this scenario for my own sanity.

 

You are right, I need to focus on myself and who I am really. I have lost so much of myself in my soon to be shiprecked marriage.

 

My only concern is that she will not be able to sustain the NC. I just get that feeling................

[SnowBaby]

A situation that was very similar to your's happened to my dh.

 

He was the husband in that situation, his then wife had an affair. She was a smart attractive woman. She was also just pregnant (his) at the time.

 

He wasn't surprised by the affair, as their marriage had been stale for a very long time. (Reading your story, it doesn't sound like your wife was surprised as well.) I think for him, he didn't want to be the bad guy by ending the marriage, so when she announced she was leaving, he was actually very fine with it.

 

He then proceeded to have the time of his life. Actually for a time, , he went a little crazy with the fun and dating. His wife's paramour unfortunately left her.

 

When the reality at about 8 months pregnant set in that he would have to take care of another man's baby (changing diapers, midnight feedings) he decided to cut his losses and move on.

 

I am not judging you on having an affair at all. Things happen. But I do have a few questions. Please don't take these the wrong way, but I am just wondering if you have possibly answered these questions yourself.

 

1. When she told you she was interested, was she already pregnant. Could it be that she was looking for a plan B.

 

2. What is the reality of your situation. Where do you see this going?

 

3. It sounds like your wife is being very amicable in the situation. I can only imagine that she wants to move on with her life as well. Therefore, you may have your kids half the time, is your AP okay with that. Is she willing to be an amicable co-parent with your ex.

 

4. Are you willing to take care of her baby as a full time possible step-parent. In the first couple of years, I can't imagine that she is going to want her baby not far away from her. Sounds like she was wanting to be a mom, so she may very well obsess over baby for a while. Meaning you both will have the baby most of the time. Are you okay with that?

<

5. If her ex is possibly angry, he may not wish to fully support the child. He may want to move on himself and may have more kids in the future to support, leaving him with less money. Are you willing to take on that financial obligation .

Edited August 16, 2018 by SnowBaby

[BTDT2012]

My only concern is that she will not be able to sustain the NC. I just get that feeling................

 

 

 

When you block all methods of contact that won't be a problem. Women who are on the path to divorce don't set out to get pregnant. What makes you believe her husband is just going to walk away quietly from his child? You should stay away from her and hope this doesn't blow up in your face.

[Garfield2018]

A situation that was very similar to your's happened to my dh.

 

He was the husband in that situation, his then wife had an affair. She was a smart attractive woman. She was also just pregnant (his) at the time.

 

He wasn't surprised by the affair, as their marriage had been stale for a very long time. (Reading your story, it doesn't sound like your wife was surprised as well.) I think for him, he didn't want to be the bad guy by ending the marriage, so when she announced she was leaving, he was actually very fine with it.

 

He then proceeded to have the time of his life. Actually for a time, , he went a little crazy with the fun and dating. His wife's paramour unfortunately left her.

 

When the reality at about 8 months pregnant set in that he would have to take care of another man's baby (changing diapers, midnight feedings) he decided to cut his losses and move on.

 

I am not judging you on having an affair at all. Things happen. But I do have a few questions. Please don't take these the wrong way, but I am just wondering if you have possibly answered these questions yourself.

 

1. When she told you she was interested, was she already pregnant. Could it be that she was looking for a plan B.

 

2. What is the reality of your situation. Where do you see this going?

 

3. It sounds like your wife is being very amicable in the situation. I can only imagine that she wants to move on with her life as well. Therefore, you may have your kids half the time, is your AP okay with that. Is she willing to be an amicable co-parent with your ex.

 

4. Are you willing to take care of her baby as a full time possible step-parent. In the first couple of years, I can't imagine that she is going to want her baby not far away from her. Sounds like she was wanting to be a mom, so she may very well obsess over baby for a while. Meaning you both will have the baby most of the time. Are you okay with that?

<

5. If her ex is possibly angry, he may not wish to fully support the child. He may want to move on himself and may have more kids in the future to support, leaving him with less money. Are you willing to take on that financial obligation .

 

Well thank you for not judging. Answers:-

 

1. Definitely not. This I know for a fact. We backtracked the timelines and she basically told me she "liked" met when she was 2 weeks pregnant.

 

2. Well as of now (after forum feedback) I see NC and myself moving forward and then she.... once she can think straight again, work things out with her husband and make a call. There will however be no guarantees that I will still be there in 18 months time

 

3. Yes she knows the arrangements. I only have my kids one third of the time

 

4. Yes I am OK with that

 

5. Our countries laws are rather clear and strict in terms of maintenance but in any case finances on my side is not a problem

 

Your questions have been answered a long times ago. I have thought about every possible scenario.

 

But like I said the NC has to happen now. If she then decides to walk out of her own M then she must do it on her own account. She will then also have to move into her own place for a period and we can start a our relationship over and take it from there.

[Garfield2018]

When you block all methods of contact that won't be a problem. Women who are on the path to divorce don't set out to get pregnant. What makes you believe her husband is just going to walk away quietly from his child? You should stay away from her and hope this doesn't blow up in your face.

 

I don't think there was any intent to divorce 3 months ago as we where still technically friends back then. It is what has happened since. While she now still wants to work things out she has mentioned that if it was not for the baby she would seriously have considered leaving him. I also do think when I go NC she is going to see what she is missing out on. Either way it is her decision and she has to make it on her own.

 

The biggest unknown is her husband yes.

[Amethyst68]

Does your wife know about your affair? If not then your amicable divorce could change very quickly if the OW does decide to leave her husband.

 

Another question, if she does leave what's the plan? Is it for her to move in with you or to get her own place? If it's to move in with you have you put any thought into how your children would feel? First their dad leaves and then has a brand new baby living full time, having a "new family" when they only see you a third of the time. What would happen when when you have your children overnight, is it straight to blended family? There's a reason most experienced people say to wait a reasonable time before introducing kids to new SO.

 

Not saying you don't deserve to be happy but all your consideration seems to be tied up with the OW. BTW remember you are getting all the information about the information about the husband from a biased party, she's hardly going to be telling you about the good/nice things he's doing for her.

[BTDT2012]

She's not leaving her husband. It's up to you whether you want to be her fun on the side. I think this really was an exit affair for you. Not so much for her. Make your peace with being alone.

[Amethyst68]

Agree she's not leaving, just think OP"s stuck in KISA mode and not reality.

 

Should focus on children and himself going forward.

[BourneWicked]

Anika. Regarding your question I think "being happy" depends on if you know what real happiness is? When are you happy and when do you think you are happy? I have come to realize that people assume a lot of things in life and the problem is that sometimes they just don't know any better. Is this not the problem with society - us being sheep. I ask too many questions I guess. I truly know we (myself and MW) would / could be very very happy together forever because we get so much return for effort put into one another and I will keep on putting in the effort because I love what I am getting back. Another thing is we are both decent sincere straight thinking people (yes I know there be a lot said about that statement). We don't do lies. Also we got to know each other in a controlled safe environment. There was no intent and no psychical connection. I took a long time. We became friends. This was not a hormone based adrenaline living on the edge type of thing. Despite it being labeled an "affair" it actually had a pretty amazing start.

 

You meet someone you think you are compatible and you marry. Fact is that there are more compatible people out there. I believe if the gap is too big between what you have and what you then see is out there the trouble starts (along with maybe not putting effort into your existing marriage). However if you meet someone very compatible then I highly doubt the cycle will repeat. (if it does again what kind of person are you then really?). I have learned so much about relationships.

 

Also the appearance was that they were happy - the very same illusion / appearance I put out there for everyone to see. Happy Facebook photos etc.......

 

We (I) don't specialize in affairs. In fact now that we (I) know the "warning signs" and or no go areas I can promise you I (and she) will run away very quickly once the earliest signs reappear. I also now know that if you keep on investing in a relationship then you keep getting out so the equation is simple. If you are focused on your partner it will be OK. If you are focused on your partner you should pickup immediately if something does go wrong and when you can still remedy it. I am however not Dr Phill so these are only my insights

 

Before you ask why didnt/dont I invest in my soon to be Ex-wife then the answer is that we are on a different planet intellectually. It is impossible to have proper conversations because we just cant. There are other reasons as well but I would rather not go into them.

 

I work in an office where there is an 70% female ratio. They are intelligent and attractive. I have worked here for 15 years. We do work functions, socialize etc yet nothing has ever happened. I have never felt threatened or uncomfortable - as I said this "affair" thing was not even in my frame of reference.

 

As for the rest of the responses as well thank you.

 

I know what I must do and that is stop being selfish. I will break it off and focus on my kids and my work etc and being happy by myself.

 

However this is easier said than done. I have already started the process.....................

 

I have learned so much about myself, love, life, relationships and being honest with one self (yes that right) in this whole period I can take so much away from it with me going forward (despite it being an "affair" which is horrible and I know I will be judged on this forum)

 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are doing the right thing pursuing divorce, and I'm glad you and your wife are both in the same place on this.

 

I think compatibility is a thing too. But even more important is that the person is your cheerleader, that they don't ignore or minimize your biggest internal needs, ambitions and desires. This time is a good time to define your values, what's truly important to you in life.

 

A warning: I had a two year old when I got involved with a MM. Children don't necessarily make marriages stronger, they put strain on them. So be aware that the MW may come back pretty strongly after a baby. I had a strong desire to be seen as something other than a mother - to be seen not not only as a woman but as a human being with my own passions, interests and goals beyond just raising a healthy child.

 

I'm in a sort of limbo; for MM, I think it was an escape. For me, it was waking up to what love and connection could really be like, and realizing that communication and non-sexual touch are things that I feel starved without. I suppressed my own needs, and didn't think I was worthy of having needs. I've made an effort to ask for the things I need, clearly and repeatedly. I've been told that my SO cannot do these things. He's tried to make up for it in other ways, and there are many other great things that he's done. But it's a struggle. Same with me - worked in an office for over a decade and never had any inappropriate relationship prior to this.

 

Just wanted to say - use this time to know what it is that you need in a relationship, because the fun of it all will wear off somewhere between 18 months and 7 years into the relationship, and you want someone that you enjoy being with anyway after the newness of it is over. And again, be prepared for MW to come back, not have any interest in leaving her husband, and enjoy you for your time, attention, and connection because being a new mom is tough.

[Garfield2018]

Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are doing the right thing pursuing divorce, and I'm glad you and your wife are both in the same place on this.

 

I think compatibility is a thing too. But even more important is that the person is your cheerleader, that they don't ignore or minimize your biggest internal needs, ambitions and desires. This time is a good time to define your values, what's truly important to you in life.

 

A warning: I had a two year old when I got involved with a MM. Children don't necessarily make marriages stronger, they put strain on them. So be aware that the MW may come back pretty strongly after a baby. I had a strong desire to be seen as something other than a mother - to be seen not not only as a woman but as a human being with my own passions, interests and goals beyond just raising a healthy child.

 

I'm in a sort of limbo; for MM, I think it was an escape. For me, it was waking up to what love and connection could really be like, and realizing that communication and non-sexual touch are things that I feel starved without. I suppressed my own needs, and didn't think I was worthy of having needs. I've made an effort to ask for the things I need, clearly and repeatedly. I've been told that my SO cannot do these things. He's tried to make up for it in other ways, and there are many other great things that he's done. But it's a struggle. Same with me - worked in an office for over a decade and never had any inappropriate relationship prior to this.

 

Just wanted to say - use this time to know what it is that you need in a relationship, because the fun of it all will wear off somewhere between 18 months and 7 years into the relationship, and you want someone that you enjoy being with anyway after the newness of it is over. And again, be prepared for MW to come back, not have any interest in leaving her husband, and enjoy you for your time, attention, and connection because being a new mom is tough.

 

Thank you for the response. Well yes there is a couple of thoughts going through my head lately...

 

1. So I messed up my first marriage. Why on earth would I now get involved in another one right away? I have an opportunity to make a clean break and start over, figure myself out and be happy on my own and then take it from there. Surely this will be the responsible thing to do?

 

Still somehow I fell for this MW and I fell hard. I have never connected with someone in this way.

 

2. Back to reality. My main priority should be my kids. I have a massive responsibility towards them. I have created a situation that will hurt them and everything I do must be with them in mind. I must create a stable and secure environment for them when I do have them

 

3. Yes I thought over the weekend........... a good start for finding a "life partner" would be the following rules:-

A) Find someone that you can spent hours talking to and engaging and I mean hours on end.

B) Find someone that you really feel you can be yourself with. If you find yourself changing to try and impress someone then that's a big red flag in my opinion. My marriage changed me completely. My wife also changed completely over time once we had gotten married

C) Understand personalities and try and be emotional intelligent. Really try and think how your partner will react if you consider different responses

D) Always be 100% honest with yourself and your relationship status

E) A relationship is hard work. Be prepared to put a lot of effort in over long periods of time

 

I have learned so much with this A. I really feel I understand woman better in general.

 

4. The problem with my current situation is just that I really believe I have found a partner for life but now have to let it go for obvious reasons. If she does make a comeback I am not sure I will be willing to just carry on where we left off. I don't work that way. Not sure I am willing to be a backup plan although I do understand she technically cannot leave her husband right now carrying his baby. Its such a mess.

 

NC started out yesterday by lasting half a morning then she text me. 2nd attempt today and so far so good.

 

I know what I need to do it is just so difficult

[Miss Clavel]

"So now I am in the final stages of my divorce. It is unchallenged as my wife also realized it was dead once I started discussing our issues. I made a brave choice as we have 2 little kids but I have to say we are doing very well in divorcing amicable and everyone is well cared for."

 

 

huh? you left your own flesh and blood unprotected two-thirds of the time, not to mention their mother and you would like, in an ideal world, to stay "connected'' to your AP and move her baby over to your house???

 

you.are.nuts. period

 

i can't even.

 

how about this, you bravely suck it up and try to do the right thing.

 

starting with getting counseling. take the kids too. your behavior has damaged your children. move another mommy and her baby into your house and you're will ruin them!!

 

omg

[Garfield2018]

"So now I am in the final stages of my divorce. It is unchallenged as my wife also realized it was dead once I started discussing our issues. I made a brave choice as we have 2 little kids but I have to say we are doing very well in divorcing amicable and everyone is well cared for."

 

 

huh? you left your own flesh and blood unprotected two-thirds of the time, not to mention their mother and you would like, in an ideal world, to stay "connected'' to your AP and move her baby over to your house???

 

you.are.nuts. period

 

i can't even.

 

how about this, you bravely suck it up and try to do the right thing.

 

starting with getting counseling. take the kids too. your behavior has damaged your children. move another mommy and her baby into your house and you're will ruin them!!

 

omg

 

Thank you for your post. The laws in our country heavily favors the mother who always gets primary residence and care of the children (unless she is homeless, a drug addict and beats the children). The children also needs stability and having them in different homes during the school week is not ideal.

 

Look what we are doing is far from ideal but we have done our homework and research and are truly trying to make this as painless as possible.

 

My soon to be "ex wife" is also a very good mother for our children by the way.

 

When I take my kids out of the equation then there is nothing left in my marriage. Are you proposing I stay with my wife no matter how unhappy we are for the sake of the children? Well I tend to differ. Then what happens in 10 years time when the kids are practically out of the house - do you then divorce at the age of 50? What then?

 

Whats the difference if this AP moves in now or whether I meet someone else in any case in the future with our without children and they move in?

 

As long as you really love your children I am sure they will be OK at the end of the day.

 

I would think its better now as the children are 2 and 4. They are highly adaptable. I would much rather have them live in separate happy houses than one very unhappy home.

 

When you grow old it is not with your children - they have their own lives to live, it is with a spouse who hopefully loves you.

 

But I see where you are coming from.

[Amethyst68]

Whats the difference if this AP moves in now or whether I meet someone else in any case in the future with our without children and they move in?

 

As long as you really love your children I am sure they will be OK at the end of the day.

 

I would think its better now as the children are 2 and 4. They are highly adaptable. I would much rather have them live in separate happy houses than one very unhappy home.

 

When you grow old it is not with your children - they have their own lives to live, it is with a spouse who hopefully loves you.

 

Seriously, you don't see any problem with moving a woman with a newborn baby into your home? (If she leaves her H, which I doubt). Your children have just gone from having you around full time to only seeing you a third of the time and you would expect them to be ok with you being FT "dad" to another child just because of their ages? IMO the eldest at least may be resentful and feel they're being replaced. I know that's not your intention but you talk about creating stability for your kids as being a priority and then saying something like the statement above just doesn't make sense. And no I'm not saying you should stay with your wife, I think she deserves better tbh.

 

Again, does your wife know about the affair? If you just told her you wanted a divorce because of internal factors in the marriage your "amicable divorce" could change quickly if you move a new woman and baby in with you.

[Garfield2018]

Seriously, you don't see any problem with moving a woman with a newborn baby into your home? (If she leaves her H, which I doubt). Your children have just gone from having you around full time to only seeing you a third of the time and you would expect them to be ok with you being FT "dad" to another child just because of their ages? IMO the eldest at least may be resentful and feel they're being replaced. I know that's not your intention but you talk about creating stability for your kids as being a priority and then saying something like the statement above just doesn't make sense. And no I'm not saying you should stay with your wife, I think she deserves better tbh.

 

Again, does your wife know about the affair? If you just told her you wanted a divorce because of internal factors in the marriage your "amicable divorce" could change quickly if you move a new woman and baby in with you.

 

Thanks for your input - the very reason for this thread is to hear the truth as painful as it may be.

 

No she does not know and it will not add any value telling her at this stage. The A is over in any case for all practical purposes.

 

What you say about the children does make sense thank you. NC is going well and I am already finding some acceptance in not pursuing this MW further. Its difficult but she has made her choice and I know what I must do.

 

I think I should also see a psychiatrist who specializes in children

[Chica80]

Hi OP... Divorce sucks. And unless you've been through it with children....everyone has an opinion.

 

The best you can hope for is I think what you are trying to do. A stable environment for them and an amicable co parenting relationship.

 

NC is going to be super hard.

But in the end the best thing for you.

Take care of you get to know you.

And therapy for your kids, is a good idea.

[Miss Clavel]

Thank you for your post. The laws in our country heavily favors the mother who always gets primary residence and care of the children (unless she is homeless, a drug addict and beats the children). The children also needs stability and having them in different homes during the school week is not ideal.

 

Look what we are doing is far from ideal but we have done our homework and research and are truly trying to make this as painless as possible.

 

My soon to be "ex wife" is also a very good mother for our children by the way.

 

When I take my kids out of the equation then there is nothing left in my marriage. Are you proposing I stay with my wife no matter how unhappy we are for the sake of the children? Well I tend to differ. Then what happens in 10 years time when the kids are practically out of the house - do you then divorce at the age of 50? What then?

 

Whats the difference if this AP moves in now or whether I meet someone else in any case in the future with our without children and they move in?

As long as you really love your children I am sure they will be OK at the end of the day.

 

I would think its better now as the children are 2 and 4. They are highly adaptable. I would much rather have them live in separate happy houses than one very unhappy home.

 

When you grow old it is not with your children - they have their own lives to live, it is with a spouse who hopefully loves you.

 

But I see where you are coming from.

 

preposterous.

no, because they are not grown up. they are children. no, i don't say stay in a loveless marriage. but stay, close by. co=parent. hello?

 

do not bring anyone into their lives overnight for five years.

 

have woman over to your house on your 2/3s days off.

 

you took on a job. your job is not done.

 

move another baby in or another woman in, in front of them and you will ruin their lives. in the aspect of ever having loving healthy relationships.

 

i guess its not a big a deal to you because you are not in a loving healthy relationship and haven't been for years, ever think about that? do you want the same for your kids?

 

live alone while you're alone and keep your sex life from your children. it's none of their business. don't bring your dating/sex/living together info to them.

 

period.

[niteandfog]

Some children will adapt. My daughter has. She talks to my boyfriend like he's her "friend" and not a threat. She's 8 and she knows I dated him while I was still with daddy.

My boyfriend's kids had a bumpier ride but now his son (who at some point said he had no father) sees him regularly and they even text each other about just life in general. He's even asked about where he lives. Sure, they still haven't spoken about "me" but their relationship is back to where it should be.

 

I would say though if you can live separately and once everything is in place you move in together, that's the best and least disruptive way of doing it.

[Garfield2018]

Some children will adapt. My daughter has. She talks to my boyfriend like he's her "friend" and not a threat. She's 8 and she knows I dated him while I was still with daddy.

My boyfriend's kids had a bumpier ride but now his son (who at some point said he had no father) sees him regularly and they even text each other about just life in general. He's even asked about where he lives. Sure, they still haven't spoken about "me" but their relationship is back to where it should be.

 

I would say though if you can live separately and once everything is in place you move in together, that's the best and least disruptive way of doing it.

 

Yes. If there is a future I did tell her she must divorce her husband on her terms and live by herself. She must divorce him because she wants and not because of me. Only then can we "start over" and "date" and see what happens.