My story

[Garfield2018]

preposterous.

no, because they are not grown up. they are children. no, i don't say stay in a loveless marriage. but stay, close by. co=parent. hello?

 

do not bring anyone into their lives overnight for five years.

 

have woman over to your house on your 2/3s days off.

 

you took on a job. your job is not done.

 

move another baby in or another woman in, in front of them and you will ruin their lives. in the aspect of ever having loving healthy relationships.

 

i guess its not a big a deal to you because you are not in a loving healthy relationship and haven't been for years, ever think about that? do you want the same for your kids?

 

live alone while you're alone and keep your sex life from your children. it's none of their business. don't bring your dating/sex/living together info to them.

 

period.

 

5 years seems a bit excessive. I am not a robot. I will look after my kids they are the most important thing I have and everything I do going forward will be with them in mind. I am not going to replace them.

 

You seem like a very unhappy and rude individual.

[minimariah2]

Some children will adapt.

 

they will - but that's the problem right there.

 

YOU should adapt to your children & their life... not the other way around, children shouldn't be forced to adapt to... well, anything. divorced parents do this ALL THE TIME. they put their children into difficult situations where those children have no other choice BUT to adapt. sure, most of them eventually come around. the thing about emotional scars - you don't really see those until the children in question are WELL into adulthood and are creating their own personal relationships.

 

a child adapting is not, by any means, a positive thing. it's not a sign that a child is doing OKAY - in fact, if you put your child in a position where that child must adapt, you have a problem.

 

OP - don't take this the wrong way but... you keep repeating that you've learned so much about everything but i don't think you did. frankly - you come off as naive, immature and extremely unaware of LIFE in general. your casual approach to the consequences of this mess is something that makes me think of you as a bomb waiting to explode - i don't think you've even began your worst phase, darkest moments. i think the real life lessons are ahead of you and storm is yet to come.

 

Whats the difference if this AP moves in now or whether I meet someone else in any case in the future with our without children and they move in?

 

this question shows just how little life experience you have, doesn't really matter how old you are.

 

there is a HUGE difference between dating someone with kids and dating someone without kids. there is a HUGE difference between starting out as an affair and starting out as a "new" relationship.

 

and there is a HUUUUUUGE difference between moving in with your affair partner & her newborn AND moving in with a new person, after some dating time.

 

moving in with your MW and her newborn child is a bad idea - first of all, it will come as a shock to your kids. remember - it is up to YOU to adapt to your kids not the other way around. kids need time, the fact that they seem happy doesn't really need to mean a thing. it is up to YOU to know better. also - i assume her husband won't be excited over his wife's new address. if that was me, i'd take every possible legal action in order to win custody. no way would i sit quietly while my wife takes OUR baby into a stranger's home.

 

As long as you really love your children I am sure they will be OK at the end of the day.

 

another proof of your inexperience and naivety.

 

loving your children does not mean that you're a good parent, that you have their best interests at heart OR that they'll turn out good at the end of the day. to be honest, i'm surprised at the fact that you don't know this - my ex and i have learned that in the very 1st year of our daughter's life. it's one of the first realizations for almost every parent: love is not enough.

 

kids won't be "okay" because you love them. love is a bare minimum and it takes SO MUCH MORE than just love, to raise a healthy and happy human.

 

you're making a whole lot of bad decisions while patting yourself on the back and talking about "i love them. they'll be fine" - they won't.

 

i strongly suggest some kind of professional guidance, family therapist specialized in divorces to help you out with advice regarding your kids. of course - individual counseling to help you cope with the MW relationship and obviously, taking it one day at the time. for starters - stop telling to yourself that you've "learned so much!!!" - you haven't learned a damned thing.

 

and you know what? that's just fine. you've been through a lot and there is really no need to rush anything, especially recovery and growth.

Edited August 23, 2018 by minimariah2

[somanymistakes]

preposterous.

no, because they are not grown up. they are children. no, i don't say stay in a loveless marriage. but stay, close by. co=parent. hello?

 

do not bring anyone into their lives overnight for five years.

 

have woman over to your house on your 2/3s days off.

 

you took on a job. your job is not done.

 

move another baby in or another woman in, in front of them and you will ruin their lives. in the aspect of ever having loving healthy relationships.

 

This is pretty offensive to a large percentage of the population who has caring step-family relationships.

 

If you want to focus on the AFFAIR being bad that's fine. But it's crazy to suggest that parents can never date again and that having stepsiblings destroys your life forever and makes you a damaged broken person.

[Garfield2018]

they will - but that's the problem right there.

 

YOU should adapt to your children & their life... not the other way around, children shouldn't be forced to adapt to... well, anything. divorced parents do this ALL THE TIME. they put their children into difficult situations where those children have no other choice BUT to adapt. sure, most of them eventually come around. the thing about emotional scars - you don't really see those until the children in question are WELL into adulthood and are creating their own personal relationships.

 

a child adapting is not, by any means, a positive thing. it's not a sign that a child is doing OKAY - in fact, if you put your child in a position where that child must adapt, you have a problem.

 

OP - don't take this the wrong way but... you keep repeating that you've learned so much about everything but i don't think you did. frankly - you come off as naive, immature and extremely unaware of LIFE in general. your casual approach to the consequences of this mess is something that makes me think of you as a bomb waiting to explode - i don't think you've even began your worst phase, darkest moments. i think the real life lessons are ahead of you and storm is yet to come.

 

Whats the difference if this AP moves in now or whether I meet someone else in any case in the future with our without children and they move in?

 

this question shows just how little life experience you have, doesn't really matter how old you are.

 

there is a HUGE difference between dating someone with kids and dating someone without kids. there is a HUGE difference between starting out as an affair and starting out as a "new" relationship.

 

and there is a HUUUUUUGE difference between moving in with your affair partner & her newborn AND moving in with a new person, after some dating time.

 

moving in with your MW and her newborn child is a bad idea - first of all, it will come as a shock to your kids. remember - it is up to YOU to adapt to your kids not the other way around. kids need time, the fact that they seem happy doesn't really need to mean a thing. it is up to YOU to know better. also - i assume her husband won't be excited over his wife's new address. if that was me, i'd take every possible legal action in order to win custody. no way would i sit quietly while my wife takes OUR baby into a stranger's home.

 

As long as you really love your children I am sure they will be OK at the end of the day.

 

another proof of your inexperience and naivety.

 

loving your children does not mean that you're a good parent, that you have their best interests at heart OR that they'll turn out good at the end of the day. to be honest, i'm surprised at the fact that you don't know this - my ex and i have learned that in the very 1st year of our daughter's life. it's one of the first realizations for almost every parent: love is not enough.

 

kids won't be "okay" because you love them. love is a bare minimum and it takes SO MUCH MORE than just love, to raise a healthy and happy human.

 

you're making a whole lot of bad decisions while patting yourself on the back and talking about "i love them. they'll be fine" - they won't.

 

i strongly suggest some kind of professional guidance, family therapist specialized in divorces to help you out with advice regarding your kids. of course - individual counseling to help you cope with the MW relationship and obviously, taking it one day at the time. for starters - stop telling to yourself that you've "learned so much!!!" - you haven't learned a damned thing.

 

and you know what? that's just fine. you've been through a lot and there is really no need to rush anything, especially recovery and growth.

 

Thank you. You ask some hard questions and make very valid points(not easy to admit but yes). Your post is exactly the reason why these forum's do exist and why I shared my "story" or "mess".

 

I have decided to see a children's psychiatrist. I need to better understand their thinking.

 

As you say I (and my soon to be ex) will need to create as perfect an environment for them as possible and adapt around them.

 

All other points also taken. I think I just need to slow down and consolidate. Just me and my children for a period of time and focus on work and health.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Garfield2018

[BurnedAndLost]

This is pretty offensive to a large percentage of the population who has caring step-family relationships.

 

If you want to focus on the AFFAIR being bad that's fine. But it's crazy to suggest that parents can never date again and that having stepsiblings destroys your life forever and makes you a damaged broken person.

 

That's not what she's saying... At all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you. You ask some hard questions and make very valid points(not easy to admit but yes). Your post is exactly the reason why these forum's do exist and why I shared my "story" or "mess".

 

I have decided to see a children's psychiatrist. I need to better understand their thinking.

 

As you say I (and my soon to be ex) will need to create as perfect an environment for them as possible and adapt around them.

 

All other points also taken. I think I just need to slow down and consolidate. Just me and my children for a period of time and focus on work and health.

 

It's hard to give advice over the internet to a stranger. On one hand, your children are 2 and 4. Marriage is really tough at that stage, many people want to divorce. Many do and regret it. If you weather the storm, it does get better, I'm living proof. On the flip side, when you are done, you are done and you know it. Again, I'm divorced so I'm living proof. There was not a think on God's green earth my ex could have done to get me to love him again and want to stay married.

 

I do think children are stronger than we give them credit for. It is worse for them to witness their parents unhappy, abused and staying in miserable relationships. That sends a terrible message. My kids have a high percentage of friends with divorced or forever separated parents. The kids seem to be okay as long as the parents are good to them. Of course it is tough and they are not happy their parents are split up but from what I see, they seem to be alright. It does suck though.

 

As for your relationship, I don't see positive things, sorry. Lots of drama. But that is your deal to work through. Lord knows I've entertained a lot of drama in my life. We all need to work through our stuff.

[Miss Clavel]

This is pretty offensive to a large percentage of the population who has caring step-family relationships.

 

If you want to focus on the AFFAIR being bad that's fine. But it's crazy to suggest that parents can never date again and that having stepsiblings destroys your life forever and makes you a damaged broken person.

 

huh? i didn't say the affair is bad. haven't got a thing against step families and i can't see that in my post.

 

i said he should not move his AP and her new baby into his house because he has very young children that are going to be going over there for visitation.

 

i said they will not recover emotionally from going to there father's house for visitation and finding a new mommy and a new baby.

 

i said he should wait 5 years before having his lover and her baby overnight at his house in front of his children.

 

i don't think children need to know who their father's sleeping with.

 

maybe he should ask his doctor for advice. i'm betting any shrink worth their salt will tell him the same thing i did.

[Miss Clavel]

Seriously, you don't see any problem with moving a woman with a newborn baby into your home? (If she leaves her H, which I doubt). Your children have just gone from having you around full time to only seeing you a third of the time and you would expect them to be ok with you being FT "dad" to another child just because of their ages? IMO the eldest at least may be resentful and feel they're being replaced. I know that's not your intention but you talk about creating stability for your kids as being a priority and then saying something like the statement above just doesn't make sense. And no I'm not saying you should stay with your wife, I think she deserves better tbh.

 

Again, does your wife know about the affair? If you just told her you wanted a divorce because of internal factors in the marriage your "amicable divorce" could change quickly if you move a new woman and baby in with you.

 

apparently he doesn't. and he finds pointing that out, rude. well, when i do it.

 

hopefully he will see a psychiatrist and the doctor can explain it to him.

[BourneWicked]

Eh I think his present choices are overall good ones. I think getting divorced when children are younger is better than sticking it out in a marriage that just isn't working. Garfield, if you can be good, reliable, and present in your children's lives, that is so important. And hopefully you and your ex-wife will someday be able to role model what a good marriage should look like (with someone else) if that wasn't something you were able to find together.

[Amethyst68]

I was merely pointing out some of the possible risks I have personally seen when someone immediately splits from their family and moves in with their AP and their kids. The results were not good for the children and had long lasting effects. That's why I recommend spending some time on your own after a split and providing some stability for your kids.

 

Similarly with the divorce, I watched one of my closest's friend's divorce change from the friendliest I had ever seen to the worst one when she discovered her husband's affair. This was also hell for the kids as it just turned into a battle ground, this is another reason I recommended not moving the AP in straight away.

 

The OP now seems to have a good plan to move forward which will help give his kids the best start going forward and that will also give him time to find out what he really wants.

Hopefully his wife will also find peace, she is the one who truly deserves it!

[pepperbird]

5 years seems a bit excessive. I am not a robot. I will look after my kids they are the most important thing I have and everything I do going forward will be with them in mind. I am not going to replace them.

 

You seem like a very unhappy and rude individual.

 

 

op,

my kids are all almost adults now, but when they were younger, our home was a gathering place for them. We were the only home they knew of where both mom and dad were still together.

 

 

Too many times, I heard stories from them that mirrored yours. These kids were incredibly, incredibly hurt by the divorce, even the ones where their mom and dad had split and were still getting along well.

 

Sometimes, i think that when we get to be an adult we forget what it's like to be a child. A young child only knows mommy and daddy aren't together. The concept of romantic love doesn't really exist to a two year old. All they know is their home is being split apart, their sense of security is gone. They don't have the life experience yet to know it can all work out okay.

 

The best outcomes i saw were where mom and dad made it clear tot he kids that they were still a family and always would be, even if mom and dad aren't together. They also got counseling as a family to help all adjust, and there was no room for om/ow in that equation.

 

 

 

You are also talking about having your ow move in with her new baby. Surely, you can't think that;s a good idea? You and his/her mom can offer absolutely no stability at this point. You don't insert a small baby into a situation like that.

 

In other words, the two of you need to get your current crap together before you start a whole new pile.

[pepperbird]

I was merely pointing out some of the possible risks I have personally seen when someone immediately splits from their family and moves in with their AP and their kids. The results were not good for the children and had long lasting effects. That's why I recommend spending some time on your own after a split and providing some stability for your kids.

 

Similarly with the divorce, I watched one of my closest's friend's divorce change from the friendliest I had ever seen to the worst one when she discovered her husband's affair. This was also hell for the kids as it just turned into a battle ground, this is another reason I recommended not moving the AP in straight away.

 

The OP now seems to have a good plan to move forward which will help give his kids the best start going forward and that will also give him time to find out what he really wants.

Hopefully his wife will also find peace, she is the one who truly deserves it!

 

 

It's going to be pretty hard for the op to explain why a woman and baby have suddenly moved in. I think his wife and kids will figure it out.

 

 

I can just imagine. The kids will not only have to cope with their home being split apart, they'll also be forced to interact with his new love interest and her baby living with him.

 

 

That is so messed up. Those poor kids.

[ABernie]

Sometimes, i think that when we get to be an adult we forget what it's like to be a child. A young child only knows mommy and daddy aren't together. The concept of romantic love doesn't really exist to a two year old. All they know is their home is being split apart, their sense of security is gone. They don't have the life experience yet to know it can all work out okay.

 

It's all perspective. Starting at 8, I remember wishing my parents would divorce. I made up stories, wished my father had another family somewhere so he would leave, could not wait to get out of that house for college and never look back.

 

As I have gotten older, introspectively, I have lost some respect for my mother. She was an enabler. I would have rather been poor and happy with just her and my sister, than living in the crappy household that I did.

[ABernie]

OP, I think you are using these forums exactly as intended. You are open to feedback and brainstorming.

 

I don't have any words of wisdom, only words of support. {{{hugs}}}