My boyfriend wants to move in but keep his place too

[vintagesangria]

Good evening everyone, my boyfriend of five years finally decided to move in with me and my 2 girls that call him dad. But told me today that he wants to leave his bedroom furniture and office at his house with his brother. I told him that’s not moving in and that he probably was not ready to commit so he should take time to think about it. He got kind of angry and said if it’s not you were way then it’s no way. And I responded with no if it’s not your way then it’s no way. Why because he has been saying every two months for the last two years that he was going to move in. He states that he owns the house with his brother and his brother doesn’t want roommates so he’s going to leave the stuff there and still pay all of the bills like usual. I told him that is not moving out and moving in with me. It’s just bringing some stuff over to my house and stay more often. Am I wrong?

[PegNosePete]

Neither of you is "wrong", just different opinions. But what's wrong with him keeping his old house? You seem to be hung up on some technicality of whether it's considered "moving in" or not, rather than the reality of what life will be like.

 

There could be many reasons for him wanting to keep his old place. Maybe he just wants to keep a safety net, maybe his brother can't afford 100% of the bills, maybe he just wants to keep his property as an investment, maybe he wants to maintain a "man cave" for when he needs alone time. If he will be living with you full time and paying half the rent, then he's moved in, whether he keeps some stuff at his old house or not. For what it's worth a friend of mine did exactly this: moved in with his girlfriend (and her kids), but kept his old flat for many of the reasons I mentioned above.

[bathtub-row]

In most cases, I’d agree with you. But this is an unusual situation where he’s part owner of a house and a relative is living there. I doubt he has ulterior motives and, even if he’s just being cautious, what’s wrong with that, really? I’d leave this issue alone if I were you.

 

The bigger problem I see is that both of you seem to feel you each have to have things your own way. Sounds like there may be some underlying problems that need to be addressed.

Edited August 16, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Art_Critic]

As long as he doesn't use the home to evade any issues you 2 might have in the relationship then time will fix it, he will sooner or later move all his stuff in with you.. now if every time you guys have a disagreement and he says, I'm going over to xyz house for a couple of days then this will be detrimental to the relationship unless you deal with those issues together and work them first.

[Chilli]

l'm more worried about your girls calling him dad when you haven't even been living together all these years and them ending up heartbroken again if things don't work out.

Where is their real dad ?

 

Don;t really see a problem with him leaving some stuff at his house, it's half his after all. Unless it's that you don't you trust him to stick around , but that'd be even more reason your girls shouldn't be allowed to get so attached.

[BaileyB]

Normally, it wouldn't bother me terribly but because you have young children... I would want a firm commitment from this guy before you let him move into your home and call your children dad.

 

I agree with the previous poster who asked why your children are calling him dad. I can appreciate why they would want to do that if they don't see their father, but I think it's inappriopriate for them to call your boyfriend dad when he doesn't live with you and you are not married. It sets them up for a lot of pain if/when you split.

[bathtub-row]

l'm more worried about your girls calling him dad when you haven't even been living together all these years and them ending up heartbroken again if things don't work out.

Where is their real dad ?

 

Don;t really see a problem with him leaving some stuff at his house, it's half his after all. Unless it's that you don't you trust him to stick around , but that'd be even more reason your girls shouldn't be allowed to get so attached.

 

This is the biggest problem I see, too. I think it’s generally a bad decision to try living together when kids are involved. But I’m old fashioned in that sense. These days, people seem to think it’s normal and, the truth is, even marriage is no guarantee. Really, there are no guarantees where relationships are concerned but I just think marrying says a lot more about a man’s level of commitment than anything else.

[Arieswoman]

vintagesangria,

The bigger problem (as I see it) is that it has taken him 5 years to work out that he wants to live with you.

 

 

It seems to me that he's had a foot in each camp for 5 years and this is just more of the same.

 

 

I also don't agree with the kids calling him "dad" when you are 100% together.

 

 

Why can't you sell your place, buy out his brothers share of the house and live there?

[PRW]

The whole "let's move in together" is firmly based on the idea of "not willing to commit". If the two are willing to commit then they would just get married and be done with it. So him wanting to keep his house falls perfectly in line with the underlying concept of what "let's move in together" means.

 

 

The full concept if stated in it's entirety would be "Let's move in together,...so that if we fail we can just go our own way more easily without a divorce". So it is basically the two people "planning to fail",...while marriage is more like "planning to succeed".

Edited August 16, 2018 by PRW

[BaileyB]

Why can't you sell your place, buy out his brothers share of the house and live there?

 

With all do respect, I wouldn’t do that... What if it doesn’t work out? Then you’ve got kids to support and you have nowhere to live. Given, he would have to buy you out of the house... but, could he afford to do that? Not to mention, the trauma of leaving their home, and then having to move again. The stability and security of the children is most important - that’s too much of a risk!

[Normm]

Leave him alone and give him a chance to get settled in to the new living arrangement with you and your two kids. I totally get where he's coming from and the way you put it "You've been promising for months to move in!..." you're lucky he's going to make ANY sort of move.

 

Back off, be reasonable and give him the opportunity to make an adjustment which isn't an easy thing for him especially when he's gotta deal with two children that aren't his own.

 

If it was me, and I was on the receiving end of your sort of pressure I would say the same thing he did. You're not thinking of his feelings and the pressure involved with making such a commitment, you're not the one being uprooted and having to make a lot of changes, in fact you're being rather selfish. So what he's leaving himself an escape hatch to give himself a bit of a secure feeling. What's it to you?

Edited August 16, 2018 by Normm

[preraph]

I mean, he owns that house. I don't blame him for not wanting to just relinquish it. Especially since it doesn't sound like you two get along all that well. I think it might be wise to see if it's even going to work.

[vintagesangria]

As long as he doesn't use the home to evade any issues you 2 might have in the relationship then time will fix it, he will sooner or later move all his stuff in with you.. now if every time you guys have a disagreement and he says, I'm going over to xyz house for a couple of days then this will be detrimental to the relationship unless you deal with those issues together and work them first.

 

 

That is what he does 80% of the time. Which is why I’m worried That leaving his bedroom set up and his office all set up he can just go there to escape. I own my home as well so I’m asking him to contribute to any sort of mortgage or rent but It feels like it’s a partial commitment. He has not even told his brother that he owns the home with that he plans on living with me in a few weeks. The other issue is he’s been saying he is moving in next month for the last 2 years. Then if we have a disagreement he doesn’t talk to me for several days in isolates himself at his house at work. Then says he’s not moving in. My teenage daughters can still love him like a dad for life even if were not together. But even they tell him stop telling us you’re moving in unless you actually do it.

 

Idk leaving your bedroom all set up at your investment property and home seems indecisive.

 

And I am the flexible one in the relationship but on this one issue I am not flexible because I do not want my girls to get hurt by him. If he moves in and then runs to his house every time there’s a disagreement they will get hurt and angry.

 

 

Their birth dad lives only a few miles away but he did some weird things around the kids a few years ago and never apologized. Plus he doesn’t Even tried to be a part of their life. So the girls don’t really like being around him and talk to him a few times a year.

[vintagesangria]

Normally, it wouldn't bother me terribly but because you have young children... I would want a firm commitment from this guy before you let him move into your home and call your children dad.

 

I agree with the previous poster who asked why your children are calling him dad. I can appreciate why they would want to do that if they don't see their father, but I think it's inappriopriate for them to call your boyfriend dad when he doesn't live with you and you are not married. It sets them up for a lot of pain if/when you split.

 

My kids are teenagers in high school and they started calling him dad or referring to him as dad over the last year and a half. We have been together five years and they are very close to him. If my children feel comfortable calling him now and I don’t see a problem with it. But I also never told them to call him dad and I refer to him as Henry not their dad.

 

And I agree. That is my biggest concern because when you have children you need a firm commitment. Not a wishy-washy one.

[vintagesangria]

Leave him alone and give him a chance to get settled in to the new living arrangement with you and your two kids. I totally get where he's coming from and the way you put it "You've been promising for months to move in!..." you're lucky he's going to make ANY sort of move.

 

Back off, be reasonable and give him the opportunity to make an adjustment which isn't an easy thing for him especially when he's gotta deal with two children that aren't his own.

 

If it was me, and I was on the receiving end of your sort of pressure I would say the same thing he did. You're not thinking of his feelings and the pressure involved with making such a commitment, you're not the one being uprooted and having to make a lot of changes, in fact you're being rather selfish. So what he's leaving himself an escape hatch to give himself a bit of a secure feeling. What's it to you?

 

The whole idea of moving in together came from him. He started saying 4 years ago that he wanted to move in as soon as his house was paid off and that was two years ago. He is the one who keeps giving the date to move in not me.

[vintagesangria]

vintagesangria,

The bigger problem (as I see it) is that it has taken him 5 years to work out that he wants to live with you.

 

 

It seems to me that he's had a foot in each camp for 5 years and this is just more of the same.

 

 

I also don't agree with the kids calling him "dad" when you are 100% together.

 

 

Why can't you sell your place, buy out his brothers share of the house and live there?

 

He is 10 years older than me and at age 50 I am his first relationship that is longer than six months. My home is bigger and his Brother would never sell. He would never move.

[Normm]

He is the one who keeps giving the date to move in not me.

 

 

So he's clearly up for the whole moving in idea but he's got reservations and a good amount of fear. Let him go at his own pace and over time, hopefully he won't feel the need to escape as you expect him to do. The more you pressure him the more he's going to want to run. You think by constantly badgering about leaving his stuff at the other house and reminding him how long it's been since he promised to move in, it's going to help the situation?

 

How about you try something radically different? How about you give him a big hug and say "I understand you have fears about moving in with me and my kids and I appreciate the effort you're putting into making this happen. You work at your own pace and if you want to leave stuff at your other house then go ahead, it's perfectly fine with me but of course I hope you won't feel the need to escape there".

Edited August 16, 2018 by Normm

[BaileyB]

He is 10 years older than me and at age 50 I am his first relationship that is longer than six months.

 

That is a HUGE step for him! For this guy to even be considering moving in with you and your children, is a really big thing. I can certainly appreciate why he would be anxious - I'm sure you and your children are lovely but that's a major life change for him.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is 10 years older than me and at age 50 I am his first relationship that is longer than six months.

 

Are you looking to go "next step" after he moves in and get married? His history would indicate a desire to live outside normally committed relationships with his current reluctance to fully move-in par for the course. Heck, it took him 5 years to get to this point!

 

Hate to bring bad news but this looks like square peg, round hole...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

That is what he does 80% of the time. Which is why I’m worried That leaving his bedroom set up and his office all set up he can just go there to escape. I own my home as well so I’m asking him to contribute to any sort of mortgage or rent but It feels like it’s a partial commitment. He has not even told his brother that he owns the home with that he plans on living with me in a few weeks. The other issue is he’s been saying he is moving in next month for the last 2 years. Then if we have a disagreement he doesn’t talk to me for several days in isolates himself at his house at work. Then says he’s not moving in. My teenage daughters can still love him like a dad for life even if were not together. But even they tell him stop telling us you’re moving in unless you actually do it.

 

Idk leaving your bedroom all set up at your investment property and home seems indecisive.

 

And I am the flexible one in the relationship but on this one issue I am not flexible because I do not want my girls to get hurt by him. If he moves in and then runs to his house every time there’s a disagreement they will get hurt and angry.

 

 

Their birth dad lives only a few miles away but he did some weird things around the kids a few years ago and never apologized. Plus he doesn’t Even tried to be a part of their life. So the girls don’t really like being around him and talk to him a few times a year.

 

Between this description and the conversation the two of you shared in your opening post, I think it's VERY wise that he keeps his current house. The two of you have a relationship which suffers from very poor communication and there's a high chance it will fail.

 

To be honest, I have no idea why you're wanting a man who has such poor relationship skills to move in with you. It sounds dreadful.

[BaileyB]

Forgive me OP, I looked back at your posting history because something about this story sounded familiar...

 

This is your third thread, your first post was a year ago. Same story - you wanted him to move in but he had been dragging his heels for a year and a half at that point.

 

In your more recent thread, you were threatening that he could not sleep over at your house until he pulled the trigger and moved in. I'm curious, how did that work out for you?

 

I'm also wondering, why is it so important to you that he moves into your home. It's quite clear by your other posts and the length of time you have been having this discussion that he is reluctant to move in with you...

 

It seems that the pressure is coming from you, and I wonder why you are trying so badly to pressure this man to move in with you. It won't work, it will only build anger and resentment. And if it did, why would you want to start your life together this way? As Mr. Lucky said, why are you trying so hard to put this square peg in a round hole...

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/634272-together-3-5-years-he-has-said-he-moving-over-1-5-few-months

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/654098-so-i-told-my-boyfriend-4-years-he-can-t-sleep-over

[d0nnivain]

Your BF owns part of the house that he's moving out of. You are being unreasonable to expect him to sell. Maybe the brother can't afford the mortgage on his own or at least can't qualify.

 

As for the BF's furniture, does it fit in your house? If not, it should stay where it is. Again, asking him to sell it is unreasonable. If there are pieces that can be incorporated into your home, do that.

 

Even if you two got married, he will still own the other real estate.

 

You see it as an escape hatch, as him keeping a safety net & Not being fully committed. I see it as an investment.

[BaileyB]

You see it as an escape hatch, as him keeping a safety net & Not being fully committed. I see it as an investment.

 

Absolutely.

[basil67]

 

You see it as an escape hatch, as him keeping a safety net & Not being fully committed. I see it as an investment.

 

Given the communication issues in the relationship, I too see it as an escape hatch and lack of commitment. I just can't see how this relationship will work out successfully long term.

[BaileyB]

Given the communication issues in the relationship, I too see it as an escape hatch and lack of commitment. I just can't see how this relationship will work out successfully long term.

 

I don’t think he will actually move in. And, it he does it will be under some duress... not exactly a recipe for success.

 

He’s done nothing, besides move his lips, that would indicate that he is prepared to move in. In fact, he has given every indication by his behaviour that he has one foot out the door at all times... that would not be acceptable to me, if I had children in the home.

 

If the relationship was healthier, it may be possible to maintain a separate residence and keep his home as an investment. I doubt that is what will happen here...

Edited August 17, 2018 by BaileyB