My boyfriend wants to move in but keep his place too

[vintagesangria]

I don’t think he will actually move in. And, it he does it will be under some duress... not exactly a recipe for success.

 

He’s done nothing, besides move his lips, that would indicate that he is prepared to move in. In fact, he has given every indication by his behaviour that he has one foot out the door at all times... that would not be acceptable to me, if I had children in the home.

 

If the relationship was healthier, it may be possible to maintain a separate residence and keep his home as an investment. I doubt that is what will happen here...

 

We do not fight often. ALL of our disagreements come from our backgrounds. His family taught them to be fiecely independent- but they taught that was done by not needing anyone, not showing love, and not showing any vulnerability at all. His mom is the only one in the family that shows any affection or says I love you. He was also taught to not share any of your personal thoughts or desires to others.

 

I was taught to be independent financially but not emotionally. My mom showered me with love and affection. But she was always financially independent like me.

 

I've been very patient. I've never pushed the issue. I believe in love at first sight and marriage. I am very vulnerable and say I'm sorry often. He does neither of those things- which he admits. So with kids- it's just so hard.

[vintagesangria]

vintagesangria,

The bigger problem (as I see it) is that it has taken him 5 years to work out that he wants to live with you.

 

 

It seems to me that he's had a foot in each camp for 5 years and this is just more of the same.

 

 

I also don't agree with the kids calling him "dad" when you are 100% together.

 

 

Why can't you sell your place, buy out his brothers share of the house and live there?

 

My house is bigger and worth more- which I own. And his brother would never move- he is not a motivated homeowner at all. My boyfriend pays for ALL home improvements and bills as he says he has too- because otherwise his brother would let the house fall apart. Literally.

 

And my girls are teenagers (12th grade and 9th grade). So at 17 and 14 if they want to refer to him as their dad that is fine with me- because that is how they feel. Regardless of our relationship he will always have his girls love. That is not mine to control.

[vintagesangria]

l'm more worried about your girls calling him dad when you haven't even been living together all these years and them ending up heartbroken again if things don't work out.

Where is their real dad ?

 

Don;t really see a problem with him leaving some stuff at his house, it's half his after all. Unless it's that you don't you trust him to stick around , but that'd be even more reason your girls shouldn't be allowed to get so attached.

 

Their "birth" dad lives close by but does not contact the girls often. Their birth dad did some crazy crap in front of them when we divorced and never took ownership. So the girls lost all respect and don't like being around him. They are 17 and 14 so when they started referring to him as "dad" last year it didn't bother me. Those are their feelings. I still refer to him as Henry not as their Dad. He has never really had a long term relationship before me. (well, nothing over 6 months) and he is 10 years older than me at age 50. He isolates in conflict and likes to ignore or deflect all causes.

[vintagesangria]

In most cases, I’d agree with you. But this is an unusual situation where he’s part owner of a house and a relative is living there. I doubt he has ulterior motives and, even if he’s just being cautious, what’s wrong with that, really? I’d leave this issue alone if I were you.

 

The bigger problem I see is that both of you seem to feel you each have to have things your own way. Sounds like there may be some underlying problems that need to be addressed.

 

I wish I was that determined. 90% of all disagreements result in me saying I am sorry and/or wrong. He has a real hard time saying sorry and being wrong- which he would agree with. In his family household you NEVER say you were wrong or sorry. Only his mom (BTW one of my closest friends) does. All 3 boys (all over 40) have never been married. The closest is his youngest brother has the same baby mama for his 2 kids. That is it.

[preraph]

He is 10 years older than me and at age 50 I am his first relationship that is longer than six months. My home is bigger and his Brother would never sell. He would never move.

 

Yeah, but his brother might decide to marry and have a family right there in that house if he wasn't living there.

[vintagesangria]

Are you looking to go "next step" after he moves in and get married? His history would indicate a desire to live outside normally committed relationships with his current reluctance to fully move-in par for the course. Heck, it took him 5 years to get to this point!

 

Hate to bring bad news but this looks like square peg, round hole...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

IDk- maybe because I'm a high school teacher and have a masters in brain based learning I feel I should be SOOOOO patient. Why? Because of poor parenting. He was literally taught to trust and love and need NO ONE. Which he knows. He makes great strides but in a disagreement he slides back to what he knows best. I guess I am hoping he can feel and see how being vulnerable is an asset and not a liability.

[preraph]

That is a HUGE step for him! For this guy to even be considering moving in with you and your children, is a really big thing. I can certainly appreciate why he would be anxious - I'm sure you and your children are lovely but that's a major life change for him.

 

I completely agree with this. Becoming an instant father is daunting to a man who's not even used to sustaining a relationship. And he may be at higher risk of not being able to handle all that domesticity. Some of us are like that. Independent, uncompromising. Better not to insist because it only validates their fears.

[Normm]

I'm a high school teacher and have a masters in brain based learning

 

 

Is there any other type of learning??

[preraph]

We do not fight often. ALL of our disagreements come from our backgrounds. His family taught them to be fiecely independent- but they taught that was done by not needing anyone, not showing love, and not showing any vulnerability at all. His mom is the only one in the family that shows any affection or says I love you. He was also taught to not share any of your personal thoughts or desires to others.

 

I was taught to be independent financially but not emotionally. My mom showered me with love and affection. But she was always financially independent like me.

 

I've been very patient. I've never pushed the issue. I believe in love at first sight and marriage. I am very vulnerable and say I'm sorry often. He does neither of those things- which he admits. So with kids- it's just so hard.

 

So that is his role modeling for being a father or husband. That's it. You can't change that. You're never going to be happy with it. He's probably just not cut out for it. There's something to be said for independence. I think if he decided he wanted a family, he'd have had one of his own by now. think you have to take this man for who he is. I don't know why you want him to move in. Is it for financial reasons? He might be a slob or something, and then you'd just end up having more work to do like a third kid. Or he might be a neat freak and completely criticize you for being a slob. I mean, you already have issues. Moving in together will only make a lot more issues, especially with kids around. He'll probably disagree with either your discipline or think you spoil them and not be happy without a say, and yet, you know his background, so you wouldn't accept him to do that. If it's financial reasons, find a better job or something. If you just want to have a man in the house maybe find a different man.

[BaileyB]

No, you are not going to change that...

 

He has lived his life this way for the last 50 years... 50 years he has been on his own, done his own thing, had his own space...

 

You are asking a lot if you expect him to change who he is and how he copes with life/conflict now.

[BaileyB]

He has a real hard time saying sorry and being wrong- which he would agree with. In his family household you NEVER say you were wrong or sorry. Only his mom (BTW one of my closest friends) does. All 3 boys (all over 40) have never been married.

 

Two more red flags...

[Normm]

He has lived his life this way for the last 50 years... 50 years he has been on his own, done his own thing, had his own space..

 

 

He's been on his own since the day he was born? Now that's one independent guy.

[BaileyB]

OP, what do you like about this guy? What brings you together and makes you feel good about the relationship?

[vintagesangria]

I completely agree with this. Becoming an instant father is daunting to a man who's not even used to sustaining a relationship. And he may be at higher risk of not being able to handle all that domesticity. Some of us are like that. Independent, uncompromising. Better not to insist because it only validates their fears.

 

Not really "instant" father after 5 years. Even we fight and he runs he still calls and sees the girls everyday. He loves them and they love him. They are really like best friends. Which is why I stick around and love him so much.

[vintagesangria]

Your BF owns part of the house that he's moving out of. You are being unreasonable to expect him to sell. Maybe the brother can't afford the mortgage on his own or at least can't qualify.

 

As for the BF's furniture, does it fit in your house? If not, it should stay where it is. Again, asking him to sell it is unreasonable. If there are pieces that can be incorporated into your home, do that.

 

Even if you two got married, he will still own the other real estate.

 

You see it as an escape hatch, as him keeping a safety net & Not being fully committed. I see it as an investment.

 

I'd never expect him to sell. ever. His furniture fits in our home. My house is 1.5 bigger with a guest house. Which he has not been asked to pay towards at all. Why? Because I find in a relationship things work out. I pay for all our groceries, insurance, etc. for the last 4.5 years. He works on my house. In the end things work out with time and effort. And again I have offered to add him to the title of my home. Why? Because I feel he has earned it and will only continue to do that even if we break up. And as a couple if we each give 100% I feel I must give my trust- which is SO hard for me- but I know is required in the long term. You can't bury money with you- nor will it cry for it. It's basically meaningless and easily made if you work hard.

[vintagesangria]

So that is his role modeling for being a father or husband. That's it. You can't change that. You're never going to be happy with it. He's probably just not cut out for it. There's something to be said for independence. I think if he decided he wanted a family, he'd have had one of his own by now. think you have to take this man for who he is. I don't know why you want him to move in. Is it for financial reasons? He might be a slob or something, and then you'd just end up having more work to do like a third kid. Or he might be a neat freak and completely criticize you for being a slob. I mean, you already have issues. Moving in together will only make a lot more issues, especially with kids around. He'll probably disagree with either your discipline or think you spoil them and not be happy without a say, and yet, you know his background, so you wouldn't accept him to do that. If it's financial reasons, find a better job or something. If you just want to have a man in the house maybe find a different man.

 

 

I make double what he does. I just actually love him. He's caring, clever, independent, and not easy. I'm not easy either. I had many male suitors after my divorce- but I am a locked treasure chest as I was taught. He tells me all the time he can't believe I am his and he feels so lucky- but really it's the Italian ass that comes out to ruin things. I just try to breathe and understand he is a new parent and learning- instead of judging and yelling.

[vintagesangria]

Is there any other type of learning??

 

lol. Yup. Unless you are a school psychologist or psychiatrist in the US you are not trained in anything in depth with the brain. It's a med school class. Which I took. Maybe 10% of US teachers have done this degree due to cost and lack of incentive. I like learning and knowing why I feel or think like I do.

[vintagesangria]

He's been on his own since the day he was born? Now that's one independent guy.

 

Pretty much. His family shows no affection nor solves conflict. The entire small family of 5 (his dad, mom and 2 brothers) have not all talked to each other for over 30 yrs. Why? All of the men actually believe they are never wrong and no one ever apologizes! Except his mom- which her and I are very best friends and very similar. She is the only other person he says out loud that he loves besides me.

[bathtub-row]

lol. Yup. Unless you are a school psychologist or psychiatrist in the US you are not trained in anything in depth with the brain. It's a med school class. Which I took. Maybe 10% of US teachers have done this degree due to cost and lack of incentive. I like learning and knowing why I feel or think like I do.

 

I think there might be a few folks out there who would take great exception to that comment.

 

Look, either accept the guy as he is, or walk away. When he rambles about moving in, just take it with a grain of salt. Otherwise, you’ll continue to beat your head against the wall, and God only knows what that might do to your brain-learned knowledge. Lol.

[vintagesangria]

I think there might be a few folks out there who would take great exception to that comment.

 

Look, either accept the guy as he is, or walk away. When he rambles about moving in, just take it with a grain of salt. Otherwise, you’ll continue to beat your head against the wall, and God only knows what that might do to your brain-learned knowledge. Lol.

 

I'm not really into put-downs if that was what you are aiming for. But thanks for the input.

[bathtub-row]

I'm not really into put-downs if that was what you are aiming for. But thanks for the input.

 

It was just silly sarcasm, not a put down.

[Mr. Lucky]

Two more red flags...

 

I make double what he does.

 

Make that three...

 

I just actually love him.

 

vintagesangria, if this is true (and it must be, given the amount of time you've hung in there), you'll accept him as he is rather than seeing him as a relationship fixer-upper.

 

You love him, your kids love him, he'll be spending most of his time at your place, remote furniture or not. It might be time to stop pushing and start enjoying...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

And again I have offered to add him to the title of my home. Why? Because I feel he has earned it and will only continue to do that even if we break up.

 

 

How has he possibly earned to be on the title of your house? How will he continue to earn it if you break up? His name on the title means that if you die, he gets the house and your kids get nothing from it unless he chooses to share it with him. He's contributed nothing in all the years you've been together except he "works on the house". That's what boyfriends do. Especially when they benefit because they live there too (or at least spend a lot of time there). Unless he completely rebuilt it from top to bottom he deserves nothing. You're only hurting your children by doing such a ridiculous thing as putting his name on the title.

[BaileyB]

I have offered to add him to the title of my home. Why? Because I feel he has earned it and will only continue to do that even if we break up. I feel I must give my trust- which is SO hard for me- but I know is require in the long term. You can't bury money with you.

 

Oh goodness, NO! With all due respect, that would be the stupidest thing you could do... You have worked hard to own that home and it is a great accomplishment. You can't just give it away to some guy who may love you - but not enough to make a serious commitment. This guy has yet to "earn" anything, in my very humble opinion...

 

If you think that putting his name on the title of your home will enourage him to commit to you and move in, that is a significant error in judgment and a big risk to take.

 

You can't bury money, but you can leave it for your children and help them along in their lives after your death... If you do move in together, you would be wise to get a cohabitation agreement. Not that he would get nothing because the agreement is what you want it to be... but, such that your assets are protected and your children are protected.

 

Look, there is love and trust and then there is financial irresponsibility. You can give him your love and trust without signing away the home that you have worked your whole life to own and handing your childrens inheritance over to a man who you once dated for a few years...

[Normm]

@BaileyB said it better than I did.

 

 

It's completely foolish to give your house to a guy with whom you have no legal commitment. In fact it's completely foolish regardless, when you've got children who will be screwed by your bad decision if something should happen to you and he gets your assets.