My boyfriend wants to move in but keep his place too

[preraph]

Maybe he just knows he can't handle the busy atmosphere of a home with you and the kids, even though he loves you. Maybe he just knows he needs more space than that. You need to respect his need. Because if he did it and needs space and can't get it, it's not going to be pretty. It seems like "space" is exactly what you want to take from him. You've said you don't want him to just be able to run off. Well, he wants to be able to run off and gets some space. I think a family home is too much for him on a continual basis, as it is for LOTS of people. I mean, you know there's a gazillion men who will work late to avoid being at home in the chaos all the time. Some people can do that, and some can't. I can't, and I sounds like he already knows he can't. Respect his wishes. You don't need him financially. You're seeing him every day. You really have no reason to demand he give up his space.

[bathtub-row]

@BaileyB said it better than I did.

 

 

It's completely foolish to give your house to a guy with whom you have no legal commitment. In fact it's completely foolish regardless, when you've got children who will be screwed by your bad decision if something should happen to you and he gets your assets.

 

I agree. Doing this would top any bad decision she ever made to-date.

[vintagesangria]

How has he possibly earned to be on the title of your house? How will he continue to earn it if you break up? His name on the title means that if you die, he gets the house and your kids get nothing from it unless he chooses to share it with him. He's contributed nothing in all the years you've been together except he "works on the house". That's what boyfriends do. Especially when they benefit because they live there too (or at least spend a lot of time there). Unless he completely rebuilt it from top to bottom he deserves nothing. You're only hurting your children by doing such a ridiculous thing as putting his name on the title.

 

All boyfriends work on their girlfriends houses? I honestly have no clue as my husband of 17 years did nothing- just myself and my family. He has literally replaced all my doors and painted every room.

[vintagesangria]

Maybe he just knows he can't handle the busy atmosphere of a home with you and the kids, even though he loves you. Maybe he just knows he needs more space than that. You need to respect his need. Because if he did it and needs space and can't get it, it's not going to be pretty. It seems like "space" is exactly what you want to take from him. You've said you don't want him to just be able to run off. Well, he wants to be able to run off and gets some space. I think a family home is too much for him on a continual basis, as it is for LOTS of people. I mean, you know there's a gazillion men who will work late to avoid being at home in the chaos all the time. Some people can do that, and some can't. I can't, and I sounds like he already knows he can't. Respect his wishes. You don't need him financially. You're seeing him every day. You really have no reason to demand he give up his space.

 

I can do anything. But do I want to come home to crying teens every day alone? Nope. But I must because it is my role so I make it work. Why are men so easily freed of this task? Why does he get a hide away and I do not? He gets the privilege of loving my kids and having them love him. Why don't I get treated the same?

[vintagesangria]

@BaileyB said it better than I did.

 

 

It's completely foolish to give your house to a guy with whom you have no legal commitment. In fact it's completely foolish regardless, when you've got children who will be screwed by your bad decision if something should happen to you and he gets your assets.

 

We are registered legal domestic partners- have been since 12 mths together for medical coverage and tax benefits for him. My kids are set for life if I die- regardless of my house- I've made sure of that. Assets are meaningless and only cause fights after one is gone. All my loved ones get checks in the email after I am gone.

[vintagesangria]

I think there might be a few folks out there who would take great exception to that comment.

 

Look, either accept the guy as he is, or walk away. When he rambles about moving in, just take it with a grain of salt. Otherwise, you’ll continue to beat your head against the wall, and God only knows what that might do to your brain-learned knowledge. Lol.

 

Ummm what is brain-learned knowledge?

 

I said brain-based- like using brain-based data to learn about the brain and learning?! lol

[basil67]

All boyfriends work on their girlfriends houses? I honestly have no clue as my husband of 17 years did nothing- just myself and my family. He has literally replaced all my doors and painted every room.

 

No, not all boyfriends do work on their girlfriend's houses. But of the ones who do, a few weekend's work does not entitle them to have their name on the house.

 

Your house should go to your children when you die. Not to him.

[vintagesangria]

Oh goodness, NO! With all due respect, that would be the stupidest thing you could do... You have worked hard to own that home and it is a great accomplishment. You can't just give it away to some guy who may love you - but not enough to make a serious commitment. This guy has yet to "earn" anything, in my very humble opinion...

 

If you think that putting his name on the title of your home will enourage him to commit to you and move in, that is a significant error in judgment and a big risk to take.

 

You can't bury money, but you can leave it for your children and help them along in their lives after your death... If you do move in together, you would be wise to get a cohabitation agreement. Not that he would get nothing because the agreement is what you want it to be... but, such that your assets are protected and your children are protected.

 

Look, there is love and trust and then there is financial irresponsibility. You can give him your love and trust without signing away the home that you have worked your whole life to own and handing your childrens inheritance over to a man who you once dated for a few years...

 

My kids are set for life- regardless of my home- as I have made sure. He also has a huge trust he'll get in a few years. He is definitely more money concerned than me as he worries often about money. I do not. At all. I plan knowing life has no plan. And I lost my parents at 22 so money to me is very meaningless. It pays for university and a house. Besides that- it just causes problems.

[vintagesangria]

Is there any other type of learning??

 

Yes- many teachers do not look at data based upon all the facets of the brain and knowledge acquisition.

[BaileyB]

I can do anything. But do I want to come home to crying teens every day alone? Nope. But I must because it is my role so I make it work. Why are men so easily freed of this task? Why does he get a hide away and I do not? He gets the privilege of loving my kids and having them love him. Why don't I get treated the same?

 

Why is he so easily freed from this task, you ask? Because they are not his children. They are your children. You are responsible for parenting them. Not your boyfriend.

 

Tell me if I'm wrong, but I sense a woman who is desperately lonely here... By your own admission, you are independent and have been quite successful in her life, but you seem exhausted to be dealing with life's stress on your own. You seem to be desperately seeking companionship, someone with whom you can raise your children, maintain a home, and rest your head beside at night. But, you are struggling because your expectations are not being met... You have found a partner who seems to want his own space and companionship on his own terms... Am I wrong?

Edited August 23, 2018 by BaileyB

[vintagesangria]

Why is he so easily freed from this task, you ask? Because they are not his children. They are your children. You are responsible for parenting them. Not your boyfriend.

 

Why are your teens crying everyday?

 

I teach teens. They all complain/cry EVERYDAY. Maybe not to their "home parents" but to their "other parents" they will.

 

I am a mom to MANY kids- and I take their love and worries to heart as if I gave birth to them. As anyone would.

 

Just because one person is not the biological parent does not mean they are not a parent. If you accept the title then you are. Common sense to me.

[BaileyB]

I hear you. I also work with children. It's hard work.

 

You said, "do I want to come home to crying teens everyday alone?" That implied something different to me.

[vintagesangria]

Why is he so easily freed from this task, you ask? Because they are not his children. They are your children. You are responsible for parenting them. Not your boyfriend.

 

Tell me if I'm wrong, but I sense a woman who is desperately lonely here... By your own admission, you are independent and have been quite successful in her life, but you seem exhausted to be dealing with life's stress on your own. You seem to be desperately seeking companionship, someone with whom you can raise your children, maintain a home, and rest your head beside at night. But, you are struggling because your expectations are not being met... You have found a partner who seems to want his own space and companionship on his own terms... Am I wrong?

 

You are for the most part correct. But desperately lonely? No. He was not my only choice. But he was the one that I loved and knew my expectations very clear from the start. So I trusted him and allowed myself to love. Many woman my age do not take care of themselves or lay out their expectations from the start. I do. And I did. I don't like wasting time or energy on experiments. Because once I trust and give it is 100% all in. So I expect the same in return. Which is why I am very clear from the start.

[BaileyB]

By desperately, I didn't mean "any guy off the street..."

 

I meant, you sound like you really, really want a life partner. And, I can appreciate why you would want that.

 

I admire what you've built with your life - your career, your children, owning your own home. I respect the fact that you want to find a partner and go "all in."

 

I just worry, respectfully, that in your desire to find a life partner and go "all in" that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I'm sure he is a lovely man, but he has never had a committed relationship or lived with a woman before, by your admission. He's giving you signs that he's reluctant to commit. I just worry that your expectations many not be realistic and that you will be hurt. That's all I will say...

[vintagesangria]

By desperately, I didn't mean "any guy off the street..."

 

I meant, you sound like you really, really want a life partner. And, I can appreciate why you would want that.

 

I admire what you've built with your life - your career, your children, owning your own home. I respect the fact that you want to find a partner and go "all in."

 

I just worry, respectfully, that in your desire to find a life partner and go "all in" that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I'm sure he is a lovely man, but he has never had a committed relationship or lived with a woman before, by your admission. He's giving you signs that he's reluctant to commit. I just worry that your expectations many not be realistic and that you will be hurt. That's all I will say...

 

 

You sound very accurate. I am just not good with wasting time.

[BaileyB]

You sound very accurate. I am just not good with wasting time.

 

To be fair, you have dated for several years. That is a long time to wait.

 

It is not unreasonable to want to move in with your partner after this amount of time. I'm actually in the same boat - different reason for waiting, but waiting... And, the waiting is hard.

 

In my humble opinion, what you don't want to do is pressure a man to move in with you if he is really not ready to move in... I personally, would rather compromise and allow him to keep his own place for a while while he adjusts to the new living arrangements. For me, it costs you nothing but you have everything to gain.

 

I sincerely hope it works out for you.

Edited August 23, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't like wasting time or energy on experiments. Because once I trust and give it is 100% all in. So I expect the same in return. Which is why I am very clear from the start.

 

So you set clear, well-communicated expectations for him - which, for whatever reasons, he has not met. As a teacher, what do you do with students that don't meet similar expectations?

 

Mr. Lucky

[vintagesangria]

So you set clear, well-communicated expectations for him - which, for whatever reasons, he has not met. As a teacher, what do you do with students that don't meet similar expectations?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well since they are just kids- I make sure to go out of my way to point out the consequences of their actions. And since a school year has very clear date limitations, I give the consequences at the end- which can be many things but failure is the last resort consequence.

 

But he is not a kid- but there is less compromise in a relationship because he is an adult. Not a kid. Adults do not get to start over everyday- kids do.

[Mr. Lucky]

I make sure to go out of my way to point out the consequences of their actions.

 

Seems to have a pretty universal application. Have you told your BF "If you don"t __________ then I will __________?".

 

Both accepting his choice and ending the relationship would seem to be better options than living with resentment and tension...

 

Mr. Lucky

[vintagesangria]

Seems to have a pretty universal application. Have you told your BF "If you don"t __________ then I will __________?".

 

Both accepting his choice and ending the relationship would seem to be better options than living with resentment and tension...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ultimatums, at least I find, don't work in relationships. But I have told him that I need 14 hours a week of "awake time" with him. Which he has promised to make good. Which I don't find too demanding.

 

I have not even brought up the move in date that is in 2 weeks apparently at all. I thought I needed a break from that.

[Redhead14]

Good evening everyone, my boyfriend of five years finally decided to move in with me and my 2 girls that call him dad. But told me today that he wants to leave his bedroom furniture and office at his house with his brother. I told him that’s not moving in and that he probably was not ready to commit so he should take time to think about it. He got kind of angry and said if it’s not you were way then it’s no way. And I responded with no if it’s not your way then it’s no way. Why because he has been saying every two months for the last two years that he was going to move in. He states that he owns the house with his brother and his brother doesn’t want roommates so he’s going to leave the stuff there and still pay all of the bills like usual. I told him that is not moving out and moving in with me. It’s just bringing some stuff over to my house and stay more often. Am I wrong?

 

 

Frankly, I think it's a good idea. Even though you've been with him for 5 years, you really do not know a person until you live together. That's the cold, hard facts. I don't think he should be using it to skirt issues and hide when there are issues, but if the issues become irreconcilable, you would be "stuck" for a little while.

 

 

 

I think there should be an arrangement that you both agree to -- He needs to be at your house every single day for 6 months. Then re-evaluate the situation. If you both feel that things are on good ground, then he will let go of the other place. This is a negotiable situation and worthy of compromise.

[vintagesangria]

Frankly, I think it's a good idea. Even though you've been with him for 5 years, you really do not know a person until you live together. That's the cold, hard facts. I don't think he should be using it to skirt issues and hide when there are issues, but if the issues become irreconcilable, you would be "stuck" for a little while.

 

 

 

I think there should be an arrangement that you both agree to -- He needs to be at your house every single day for 6 months. Then re-evaluate the situation. If you both feel that things are on good ground, then he will let go of the other place. This is a negotiable situation and worthy of compromise.

 

I completely agree. I just know him. He avoids ever saying he is wrong or that he is sorry if he can be letting time pass. I have told him your exact suggestion and that is where we are at- yet he still has changed his move in date- all his reasons and times he has "changed" his mind are ironically centered around the activities with his single friends. But honestly I do not think he even recognizes it. He just basically does a cop out- that somehow allows him to take off work to hang with his friends or leave town with his friends. He rarely takes off work for myself.

 

I had an older male co-worker for 10 years that said "do not allow your man to cop out because that is what we try to do if we are immature."

[Redhead14]

He is not willing to compromise. That is a key factor in a relationship. He wants all the benefits of a "real" relationship without the responsibilities and still maintain a "sense" of singleness with a man-cave. He's keeping one foot outside of the door. I'd say stop stringing yourself along. You want a full-time man in your life and for your children. He clearly doesn't really know what he wants. You don't need another "child" either.

 

You've spent 5 years with this man so I know it would be hard, but I would cut him loose. I think you need to think of your children first and foremost. A "part-time" father isn't good for them. And, it seems they are already attached to him. If they are still pretty young, they will be resilient. The longer you wait the harder it will be for them too.

 

Find yourself a man who knows what he wants and is willing to put in an equal contribution to the relationship.

[vintagesangria]

He is not willing to compromise. That is a key factor in a relationship. He wants all the benefits of a "real" relationship without the responsibilities and still maintain a "sense" of singleness with a man-cave. He's keeping one foot outside of the door. I'd say stop stringing yourself along. You want a full-time man in your life and for your children. He clearly doesn't really know what he wants. You don't need another "child" either.

 

You've spent 5 years with this man so I know it would be hard, but I would cut him loose. I think you need to think of your children first and foremost. A "part-time" father isn't good for them. And, it seems they are already attached to him. If they are still pretty young, they will be resilient. The longer you wait the harder it will be for them too.

 

Find yourself a man who knows what he wants and is willing to put in an equal contribution to the relationship.

 

You are really right. He also has a problem of bad mouthing me to his family and friends anytime we have a disagreement. Literally anytime. Today his sister in law (or baby mama in law as they aren't married) shared she had to de-friend me due to her boyfriends request because my boyfriend said things about me to his brothers. Which were very inflated to make himself look good. He has a very bad temper and can not often control it. It's just too much to take. It's very hard.

[Redhead14]

Vintage, he's not a good candidate to be a father to your children. You seem to be a smart, independent secure woman. I know you can do what needs to be done. Rip the band-aid. You and your children deserve better.