Ladies and flirting

[Whitehart]

Open question for the ladies. Do you flirt, are you flirted with and what are the acceptable and unacceptable limits to flirting.

[somanymistakes]

While it's a good discussion topic I think the way you've asked it is too broad.

 

Acceptable and unacceptable limits for flirting are going to be totally different when you're talking about 'on a date', 'at work', 'at a party', 'on the subway platform', 'in the grocery store', etc... because context and expectations matter.

 

Coming up with good broad guidelines to cover ALL situations perfectly in a single post is a tall ask

 

I guess the most important guideline would be - be aware of what reaction you're trying to achieve, and consider what to do if that's not the reaction you get.

 

If you meet a woman and greet her with "Hello, beautiful", hoping that she'll smile, you haven't done anything horrible. But if she frowns at you instead of smiling, be prepared to say "Sorry" and back off, rather than getting angry at her for not reacting the way you wanted. Flirting is a game that requires both people to be willing to play.

[PRW]

If you meet a woman and greet her with "Hello, beautiful", hoping that she'll smile, you haven't done anything horrible. But if she frowns at you instead of smiling, be prepared to say "Sorry" and back off, rather than getting angry at her for not reacting the way you wanted.

You got me curious. In that situation what would think think of these two versions of the guy's reaction,...they both end the same way, only the initial reaction is different:

 

 

1. Guy says "Sorry", maybe seems flustered, or intimidated, and backs off, does not get angry, interacts neutral/platonically after that.

 

 

2. Guy doesn't respond apologetic, is unflustered, seems confident and unintimidated, yet STILL backs off, does not get angry, interacts neutral/platonically after that.

[carhill]

OP, I tend to agree as a general topic it's too broad for meaningful responses. However, in light of this topic about your marriage:

 

Wandering Eyes Will Cheat?

 

Perhaps narrow it to married women who flirt? Or, is that issue resolved/marriage concluded and now you're interested in other women flirting with you as a single/divorced/separated man?

 

IME with MW's, their flirting is remarkably crafty. It's often quiet and seemingly innocent. They're experts at projecting an aura of sexual availability without being obvious about it. Masters of nuance. Comparatively, that of single woman I've met in life is far more obvious and at the same time not nearly as crafty or nuanced. That's why when it has, rarely, been directed my way when single I tend to not believe it, thinking it's over the top fake, but that's my problem, one of perception, having been trained on the nuances of those fence-sitters who play with men for attention and fun.

 

On the other side, I know I've failed when I don't push boundaries enough to get a 'stop' or 'no'. Why? Men who push boundaries are the successes in life. The winners. In nearly everything that matters to society. Of course, their demeanor is 'aw shucks' but their persistence, boundary pushing and attractiveness is what gets them ahead. I didn't believe that for many years but, darn it, once trying it, I was amazed at the results.

 

You've been the respectful/loving husband. How's that working out for you? I remember, when married, man I had to beat the single women off with a stick. That was when I learned most of how single women flirt. Never experienced that before as a single man in the couple decades of dating and mating. How has that gone for you while married? Yeah, you don't have to reciprocate or act on it in any way but it's hard not to notice, right?

[somanymistakes]

You got me curious. In that situation what would think think of these two versions of the guy's reaction,...they both end the same way, only the initial reaction is different:

 

1. Guy says "Sorry", maybe seems flustered, or intimidated, and backs off, does not get angry, interacts neutral/platonically after that.

 

2. Guy doesn't respond apologetic, is unflustered, seems confident and unintimidated, yet STILL backs off, does not get angry, interacts neutral/platonically after that.

 

Spinning out possible outcomes could be a fun discussion on its own, although it's kind of getting into role-playing and requires a lot of guesswork about our theoretical couple, so I worry that we might derail the topic too much. It's a fun game to play though!

 

If he backs off instantly and has no further interaction with her at all, she will immediately relax and then probably forget the whole thing ever happened. No offense and no impression. He can go on and look for a more receptive target.

 

If he apologises, and has the charm to pull off an apology in a way that makes her laugh, she might relax and be willing to talk in a friendly way. This really depends on how hostile she was to his approach to begin with and how good he is at laughing at himself without seeming like a buffoon. Guys can definitely turn around a bad first impression with me this way. But if he tries this and fails, it'll be groveling and just make her more annoyed.

 

If he ignores her reaction and keeps interacting with her but avoids further flirtation, she is likely to stay on her guard, uncertain whether he's actually crossed a boundary or not. If he seems nice and non-pushy, she may slowly relax and decide that he did nothing wrong, that he's just the kind of person who is very talkative and outgoing. Whether this makes a good impression on her or not probably depends on her personality. She might decide that it means the "beautiful" remark was nothing personal at all. She might decide that it was a sincere compliment. Or she might decide that he's REALLY full of himself and she wants nothing to do with him.

 

No matter what approach you pick, the other person might respond unexpectedly!

 

Which is the trouble with any sort of answer really I can guess, but I'm sure people in real world situations have gotten results I won't even have thought of. People are funny!

[PRW]

If he ignores her reaction and keeps interacting with her but avoids further flirtation, she is likely to stay on her guard, uncertain whether he's actually crossed a boundary or not. If he seems nice and non-pushy, she may slowly relax and decide that he did nothing wrong, that he's just the kind of person who is very talkative and outgoing. Whether this makes a good impression on her or not probably depends on her personality. She might decide that it means the "beautiful" remark was nothing personal at all. She might decide that it was a sincere compliment. Or she might decide that he's REALLY full of himself and she wants nothing to do with him.

 

No matter what approach you pick, the other person might respond unexpectedly!

 

Which is the trouble with any sort of answer really I can guess, but I'm sure people in real world situations have gotten results I won't even have thought of. People are funny!

Thanks. Good responses. In my research the guy who is unapologetic and confident ("owns" his actions, not arrogant) usually comes out far ahead of the others. No need for us to side track the thread any more I guess.

[Whitehart]

Very interesting replies to what is a wide ranging issue. So range in on that which, as ladies in a relationship, you think is playful, and that which is harmful and disrespectful.

[d0nnivain]

I'm a happily married woman & a big flirt. I flirt all the time. Acceptable is anything playful, public & G to PG rated. I would never act differently in front of my SO's face then I do behind his back.

 

Anything vulgar or overly sexual is off limits for casual flirting.

[Whitehart]

Well I appreciate the well thought out opinions. Me, personally, I do not know how much I can take. My other thread covered many things.

I’m trying to make things work. But the sentiments of love do it tie up to the actions I see.

I am the most loved husband, apparently, but another man and she doesn’t see me, and disrespects me, smiling, throwing back her hair, turning again and again.

Gaslighting seems to naturally suit her. A few years ago on a course in a hotel room I heard, via the phone, a man in her room speaking.

She told me it was a guy from the hotel to fix the tv after 10.00pm at night. I recently asked about it and she said the tv story was my imagination.

When I pointed out that it was was she told me, she just stared at me.

We spoke and I told her what I thought her character was.

Intelligent, free, determined and that she likes men to like her. She agreed and said I read her well.

She really hurts me, makes me feel stupid and I don’t know if it is just “crazy” me? Don’t tell me to talk to her, it’s a zero. She also knows she does it as in some cases I see her control herself and I appreciate. But sometimes she really acts like a single young woman who is emitting the I’m interested signal. Rant over.

Edited September 10, 2018 by Whitehart