More Spontaneous Wife???

[Bored Husband]

Ok new to the site and this is my first post. Not sure if it is more for Venting or for advise all though I welcome any advise.

 

About us, we are both in our late 40s, good shape, married almost 25 years, and recent empty nesters.

 

So how do I get my wife to be more spontaneous? I was hoping once the kids where out of the house she would open up more. The first couple weeks where promising as she would wear less clothes around the house and sometimes even nude. But the spontaneous sex we used to have before kids has not returned. For instance at bed time I will lay there naked waiting for her to finish brushing her teeth and such then she comes in crawls under the covers and closes her eyes. Most of the time when we have sex I have to initiate it. We have some toys and she says she enjoys them but never breaks them out. My sex drive is high and I was just Hopi g to enjoy more sex noe with an empty house but having to start it all them time it seems more like a chore sometimes.

[somanymistakes]

Have you TALKED to her about it or are you just lying around hoping that sex will fall onto you like manna from heaven?

[Bored Husband]

Have you TALKED to her about it or are you just lying around hoping that sex will fall onto you like manna from heaven?

 

Sex falling from heaven works for me!! LOL.

 

I have expresses to her that I would like to have more sex and when I really needed it then I initiate it. And yes sometimes when I I initiate it, it is with her in mind with lots of for play cuddling and such. I also try to make sure she orgasms before I do.

 

I have not told her "look you need to be more spontaneous". And maybe spontaneous isn't even the word I am looking for.

[BluesPower]

Sex falling from heaven works for me!! LOL.

 

I have expresses to her that I would like to have more sex and when I really needed it then I initiate it. And yes sometimes when I I initiate it, it is with her in mind with lots of for play cuddling and such. I also try to make sure she orgasms before I do.

 

I have not told her "look you need to be more spontaneous". And maybe spontaneous isn't even the word I am looking for.

 

You have to change everything...

 

The first thing is you have to talk with her, REALLY TALK WITH HER.

 

I mean, a real uninterrupted talk about, sex, expectations, attraction to you, how she feels about the relationship, the whole shooting match.

 

I know you have not done that so start your planning.

 

Read about "sexless marriage", "low sex marriages", loss of attraction, all of that stuff.

 

But first you have to have a real talk where YOU are not insecure or uptight to hear the truth, whatever that may be...

 

Just a question, is "she just a one and done girl" or is she multi orgasmic because "I make sure she cums before me" sounds kind of weak to me.

 

Do you know if she is multi. Some are and some are not, but many figure this out later in life as well...

[carhill]

So, fully clothed and in an empty house, what happens when you spontaneously take her in your arms, cradle her face, kiss her and tell her you love her? No copping a feel, no rubbing your dick on things, just plain old expression of fidelity, love and cherish stuff.

 

How does that go?

[Bored Husband]

We have never Sat down and really had THE talk lol. I am not saying the sex is bad and she has never told me no. In fact the first week of the empty house we had sex every day but always me starting it.

 

I do not think she is multi orgasmic as in back to back. I usually make her cum with my mouth, I will stay down there and continue with her until she finally pulls me up. She is multi orgasmic in after a little while I can get her worked up for another orgasm. When it comes to penetration sometimes I don't last as long as I fell I should is why I try to give her hers first.

 

Examples of what I am missing and again this was 18-20 years ago lol and infrequently since. If I was laying there naked she would at least crawl on top of me and lay there even if nothing else happened. Sitting in the living room she would start a BJ just out of the blue or sexual advance through out the day. I guess I was just hoping her 20 year old sexual self would return once we where alone again.

[Bored Husband]

So, fully clothed and in an empty house, what happens when you spontaneously take her in your arms, cradle her face, kiss her and tell her you love her? No copping a feel, no rubbing your dick on things, just plain old expression of fidelity, love and cherish stuff.

 

How does that go?

 

That goes like a loving 25+ year couple. She kisses be back tells me she loves me and we stand there embracing usually for several mins.

[carhill]

Good, segue that into the talk suggested by others.

 

Can she do the same with you without you automatically going to sex? Does she? How does that go?

 

It's up to you and her how you feather your empty nest.

[Mr. Lucky]

In fact the first week of the empty house we had sex every day but always me starting it.

 

I would make sure, in your case, that the perfect isn't the enemy of the good.

 

You already have something many would envy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bored Husband]

Thanks everyone again it was probably more of a vent. Sounds like I just need to leave my comfort zone and talk.

[BaileyB]

I would make sure, in your case, that the perfect isn't the enemy of the good.

 

You already have something many would envy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This. ^^^

 

I do enjoy the picture in my mind of you laying in bed naked... my partner has done this on occasion and it makes me laugh... clearly, he wants something but I want to say to him “what is it exactly that you want to happen...” I’m sure that your wife does not have the ability to read your mind, so if you want something - ask for it.

[Bored Husband]

This. ^^^

 

I do enjoy the picture in my mind of you laying in bed naked... my partner has done this on occasion and it makes me laugh... clearly, he wants something but I want to say to him “what is it exactly that you want to happen...” I’m sure that your wife does not have the ability to read your mind, so if you want something - ask for it.

 

Oh I sure she knows I want something but at that point telling her ruins the surprise factor in my mind. I do have a plan for telling her what I want one of these times. When she walks by me I going to tell her to stop, take those panties off and get back over here lol.

 

Like I said I think my sex drive is in over drive because 50% of the time I am thinking about sex and things to do. I have encounters planned out in my head to have fun with. Lol.

[BaileyB]

Oh I sure she knows I want something but at that point telling her ruins the surprise factor in my mind.

 

I do hear you, the element of surprise and the feeling that your partner wants to have fun too is exciting!

 

So then, have the conversation - “when you see this, it means “I’m good to go!” and I want you to... Then, it’s clear to her what you want and you can still enjoy the element of surprise.

 

Just be prepared that she may not always be in the mood, she may not always want to jump at the opportunity... You have admitted that you have high expectations and it seems like there is a bit of a mismatch between what you both want.

[BluesPower]

Oh I sure she knows I want something but at that point telling her ruins the surprise factor in my mind. I do have a plan for telling her what I want one of these times. When she walks by me I going to tell her to stop, take those panties off and get back over here lol.

 

Like I said I think my sex drive is in over drive because 50% of the time I am thinking about sex and things to do. I have encounters planned out in my head to have fun with. Lol.

 

Well it is cliché... but you need to have the talk however out of your comfort zone.

 

But look, if you are one of those guys that DOES NOT LIKE to talk and dig deep about feelings, desires, direction of relationship, and all of that crap.

 

Well get over it. You guys, starting NOW, have to redefine your relationship.

 

You don't want to be like some of the guys on these boards where their wives basically say, hey the kids are gone, I really don't need you anymore, I don't really even like you much, I am done with you in a sexual way, if you want to divorce me cool, I get half.

 

It you think that stuff does not happen, you would be wrong...

 

And the encounters that you are talking about, should be preceded with an encounter that makes your wife feel special, whatever it is, dinner, walks, anything that she likes to do, that you guys never had time for before.

[JuneL]

Make yourself sexy and irresistible. You want her to want to do those spontaneous things, instead of doing just for the sake of pleasing you. Make her feel desired and sexy, flirt with her, take care of your looks in case you’ve let yourself go after all these years.

[Sunlight72]

It is very encouraging for you that she changed her behavior for even a couple weeks - nude around the house, less clothes, etc. In response, how did you change your behavior to make her feel more appreciated than she was before? Just by horn-dogging her after she'd dropped her clothes? Or did you become more loving, giving and romantic during the rest of the day/week?

 

You need to be romancing her and flirting with her, and making her life easier & more pleasant in thoughtful ways - at any and all times of the day when you are presented a chance... because you love her and are attracted to her, and wish her comfort and happiness in general. Without expectations.

 

When did you last buy her flowers for 'no reason'? Surprise her with a planned out 3-stop night out? Sweep her away for an overnight getaway? Rub her feet just because you wanted to? Ordered her a little something fun for her (not sexual)? Maybe you're just romancing her off her feet daily, and she is so worn out from opening the little presents and notes you leave around the house, and going out dancing with you that she doesn't have energy left over for playtime. If so, then reign it in a little. But from what you've written, I don't think so.

 

I read that you wrote you maybe just needed to vent, and this is not a real problem for you. If so, disregard the above, and enjoy your marriage. Sounds like over all you two have a LOT going for you.

 

Cheers.

[d0nnivain]

She's not a mind reader. Tell her what you want & ratchet up the romance on your end.

[Bored Husband]

It is very encouraging for you that she changed her behavior for even a couple weeks - nude around the house, less clothes, etc. In response, how did you change your behavior to make her feel more appreciated than she was before? Just by horn-dogging her after she'd dropped her clothes? Or did you become more loving, giving and romantic during the rest of the day/week?

 

You need to be romancing her and flirting with her, and making her life easier & more pleasant in thoughtful ways - at any and all times of the day when you are presented a chance... because you love her and are attracted to her, and wish her comfort and happiness in general. Without expectations.

 

When did you last buy her flowers for 'no reason'? Surprise her with a planned out 3-stop night out? Sweep her away for an overnight getaway? Rub her feet just because you wanted to? Ordered her a little something fun for her (not sexual)? Maybe you're just romancing her off her feet daily, and she is so worn out from opening the little presents and notes you leave around the house, and going out dancing with you that she doesn't have energy left over for playtime. If so, then reign it in a little. But from what you've written, I don't think so.

 

I read that you wrote you maybe just needed to vent, and this is not a real problem for you. If so, disregard the above, and enjoy your marriage. Sounds like over all you two have a LOT going for you.

 

Cheers.

 

Well been a couple months since I sent her flowers for no reason but then again we have been on vaction those 2 months. We have weekly date nights, and now we do it a couple nights a week. Eat out and then an activity, ballet, theather, art show etc. I know I am lucky to have her so I try to keep her impressed. We also work together, different departments so I am able to see and talk to her during the day.

[Bored Husband]

Make yourself sexy and irresistible. You want her to want to do those spontaneous things, instead of doing just for the sake of pleasing you. Make her feel desired and sexy, flirt with her, take care of your looks in case you’ve let yourself go after all these years.

 

No we are inshape and active. Gym 5-6 days a week, together. And most of our extra caricular activities are active, hiking, sports etc.

[Sunlight72]

Well been a couple months since I sent her flowers for no reason but then again we have been on vaction those 2 months. We have weekly date nights, and now we do it a couple nights a week. Eat out and then an activity, ballet, theather, art show etc. I know I am lucky to have her so I try to keep her impressed. We also work together, different departments so I am able to see and talk to her during the day.

Great.

 

And when she changed her moves to show you she was interested in a sexier, freer rhythm for those few weeks, did you change what you were doing for her?