Broke up with possible BPD 3 weeks ago while in italy.. Update

[BillPaxton2424]

I made a post about a week ago regarding breaking up with my ex while on vacation with her in Italy. The first week was really difficult, but now after a week of working out and thinking about it I realize it was the best decision I've ever made.

 

I feel so stress free and without worry. I feel like getting back into shape and improving my life, where as before I was bogged down into taking care of her emotionally. Now I have room to take care of myself.

 

Is it normal that after only 1 week gone from a 3.5 year relationship I feel so liberated?

[preraph]

When you know something has run its course and don't have a lot of question marks hanging over it or still hoping someone will magically transform into who you hoped they'd be, it's a lot easier to let go.

 

I understand that feeling. I felt a big relief after one breakup, immediately. He'd wanted to move in with me, but I said no. I had to move because of a gas explosion and just let the landlord move me into this dump, and the boyfriend, since I wouldn't let him move in, moved into the same dump just a few feet down the row. After the breakup, it was still weird having him so close by and having to see how quick he moved this woman in who'd been after him. I wasn't emotionally attached by then, but once I moved to a new place, I wrote this poem. I didn't realize how stifled I had been feeling. Such a relief.

 

THE SHADOW ROOM

 

There you were for just a moment

pegs and holes aborted

lines on lines connecting

deceiving life

eluding time

 

Ducked into the shadow room

shut the door

Nobody saw

Here for awhile

Good to be here

let out my breath

pick up a cigarette

lick my lips

look around

Like what I see

just shadows

no sounds

nothing there but me

 

It’s okay

There’s no one here but me

hanging in lifeless forms

dark and sparkling

deep and velvety

slick and shining

steeped in memories

strapped in anticipation

 

She has dreams for every occasion.

 

 

Just roll with it, rest up, start your new chapter. Good luck.

[MountainGirl111]

Congrats, Bill. Must feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Are you THE Bill Paxton or is that a nickname? His nephew stayed at our house a few times.

[BillPaxton2424]

Bill Paxton is RIP. Just a nickname. Weight has definitely been lifted. For a week after I was questioning my decision but I was finally given some clarity and god am I lucky I didn't have any kids or get married. I am honestly a lucky man. I feel so relieved.

 

What makes it better is I realized it in time and I was the person to leave. Makes it much easier to be the one walking away.

[MountainGirl111]

Oops. I didn't realize he had passed. Shows how much I'm not up on "things". Well, anyways, he was one of my favorite actors. His nephew is a good kid. Well, yes, it is often advantageous to be the one walking away. For sure. There is something liberating about walking AWAY. It's perhaps literal as well as symbolic.

[basil67]

I felt that way after leaving a 6 year relationship/marriage. Like the sun has come out and the clouds have lifted.

[d0nnivain]

Your feelings are yours. If you feel like a weight has been lifted assume that is a sign you did the right thing for yourself.

[mrs rubble]

When my first marriage ended I felt elated for the first 3 months, then one day I broke down and sobbed all day grieving the end of it!!

[preraph]

Grieving the good times, but knowing they're over, and that they've been over.

[DKT3]

Oddly enough, as a man in my 40's I've only had two relationships.

 

My Wife: When we divorced I felt that sense of relief, like a burden had been lifted. After several months it hit me hard and I really struggled.

 

The GF: Had a relationship after my divorce and when it ended it was more difficult then ending my marriage. that was because there was nothing wrong with the relationship. It was a question of expectation. She was about 10 years younger and wanted children. I had children and was really not interested in kids with multiple women. Plus it was a relationship in the shadow of my ex wife who i had never dealt with emotionally.

 

I have friends who ended horrible relationships and suffered no Ill effects from the split. They were instantly more happy. I'm guessing that is your situation. It sounds like it was a nightmare of a relationship.

[Jamess1]

Most men are not really happy in marriages or LTR, mostly men who had weak fathers, who weren't masculine or were raised by single mothers. They defer to a woman in a relationship and are in it for validation. Most of the time the woman has more power in a relationship because she needs the relationship and intimacy less than the man does. The relief and the freedom you felt is exactly what it is : freedom and relief, you weren't free and authentic in that relationship. Now you have men who go to the extent of saying every LTR is slavery of a man to a woman, and such relationships like marriage are not beneficial to a man...

 

In a relationship your woman is 'mental point of origin' : when you want to go out with guys, your first thought is her and yourself and what you want. You were never yourself when you were in that relationship, you even lost your identity in it...it's not necessarily the woman it's you.

 

A man who sacrifices his identity and purpose for a woman is not a man at all, and that is part of why she left you. No woman wants to be a man's main gaol and focus in life, if she is, soon enough she won't be.

 

When the time comes, (wait for it) don't take her back. Who did she replace you with in Italy ? When that dumps her she will reach out to you, don't even entertain it...

[BillPaxton2424]

She is being pursued by debt collectors now and they have my phone number. KILL ME

[mrs rubble]

She is being pursued by debt collectors now and they have my phone number. KILL ME

Just get a new phone number and make it private.

[usa1ah]

I made a post about a week ago regarding breaking up with my ex while on vacation with her in Italy. The first week was really difficult, but now after a week of working out and thinking about it I realize it was the best decision I've ever made.

 

I feel so stress free and without worry. I feel like getting back into shape and improving my life, where as before I was bogged down into taking care of her emotionally. Now I have room to take care of myself.

 

Is it normal that after only 1 week gone from a 3.5 year relationship I feel so liberated?

 

Depends on the relationship. Yours wasn’t a healthy one with your ex.

[BillPaxton2424]

I made a post about a month ago regarding my now EX gf inviting me to Italy, and then going out with other guys.

 

I found evidence of cheating and confronted her only to be lied to and strung out for weeks until she FINALLY admitted that she was raped.. while in the meantime continued to go out with the same group of people without me and carry on day long whatsapp conversations with another guy.

 

When I finally told her we were over and I was leaving, she went ballistic..

 

At first she

 

-begged me to stay promising that the next 3 weeks of the vacation would be different

-asked if she enrolled in therapy if I would stay

-asked if she could travel BACK to the US if it meant we would be together

 

I said no to all of these things

 

Then she

-Told me to kill myself

-Threatened to kill me

-Told her parents to kick me out of the house (causing me to sleep in a hotel for a night)

-finally enrolled in therapy for the alleged rape

-later apologized for threatening to kill me after my night in the hotel...

 

On the final day I was there she spent the whole day out with her family shopping/at therapy/realizing it was over

 

When she finally arrived home at 8 PM I was packed and waiting for her father to drive me to the airport. I left without looking back and she started bawling. I think at this point she realized she no longer had someone to suck the life out of and had to move on to her monkey branched friend, but that wasn't fully in motion yet.

 

SINCE the breakup I have remained NC besides sending an email giving her 30 days to setup a pickup for her computer she stored at my house, and responding to her email regarding that. I sent her an email telling her I forgive her for all the ****ed up things shes done and that I have moved on and she should to (mainly for myself to give up my resentment). This email is AFTER she went on facebook and posted that I was a monster and everyone should block me if I try to contact them... (which I haven't.)

 

Eventually I got my brother to mediate the drop off of her computer to a LONG TIME orbiter in our relationship. The same guy who tried to sabotage the relationship by messaging me on facebook saying he slept with her while I was out of town on work. The same guy who confessed his love to her 2 years ago... only to be denied multiple times. The same guy who has, for 3 years, only given her horrible dating advice regarding me and her.

 

This is a guy who she has never met IRL, only on a video game. He drove 24 hours round trip to pick up her computer. Georgia to Indiana. This was the point where I KNEW that I had made the right decision to dump her and never look back. If this is the person she is trusting for advice then she clearly isn't worth the time of day.

 

The first 2 weeks were rough, I was pretty devastated at how fake our relationship had been. Thoughts were running through my head. Was everything a lie? Did she cheat on me hundreds of times throughout the years? Why would she literally abandon the only person whos ever given a **** about her, someone who stuck with her through her depression, self harming, suicidal thoughts..

 

Then a lightbulb went off in my head. I realized all of her traits were INDEED similar to someone suffering from either Borderline or Histrionic personality disorder. Every single symptom and warning sign was there. I realized at that moment I dodged massive bullets. I realized the best thing she ever did for me was to indeed get those 2 abortions throughout our relationship. I could have had two kids with someone like this and be stuck for life.. And given that in the last year of our relationship she adopted and then abandoned 2 pets in a matter of 9 months... It was a gift from god.

 

She showed me who she was in the end and I know for certain that the decision I made saved my life. At this moment I am at complete peace. I didn't think I would recover this fast but its miraculous. I feel overjoyed every morning when I wake up knowing that I don't have to deal with the circus that was our relationship anymore. Somebody else has to deal with her now.

 

I am writing this because I haven't really spoken to anyone outside of close family about this situation. Most guys don't really have resources to unload their thoughts to. You could consider this just an information dump.

 

I have lost 35 lbs since returning home, and am down to my high school weight.

 

I have secured a brand new job making good money starting in September

 

I have become happy again, after years of being a therapist.

 

In the end I'll never know what was real and what was fake. I'll never know how many times she lied to my face, or how many times she cheated on me. The only thing I do know is that I tried my best, gave someone I trusted many chances, and got out with dignity.

 

She hasn't made any attempts to contact me and I hope that will never change.

 

Life is short, my advice is do not spend it on someone who values their facebook profile pictures and choosing the right filter more than talking to you. Do not give someone a second chance for cheating. Take it from countless stories you read on the internet. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't believe their words, only their actions.

 

You guys are amazing, and I appreciate all your support.

 

-Bill

Edited August 17, 2018 by BillPaxton2424

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad you are doing better.

 

Please stop saying that she "finally admitted to being raped." She didn't admit to it. She lied & told you she was raped to cover up her latest infidelity. There's a big difference. Your response to the lie was fine; your response had she actually been raped would have been disgraceful which is why we all yelled at you in the beginning of this thread.

 

Anyway I post not to keep bashing you about your vocabulary choices but because you posted this:

 

I have lost 35 lbs since returning home, and am down to my high school weight.

 

That scares me. You have only been home for what, a month? You are losing 7-8 pounds per week which is too rapid to be healthy. Sustainable healthy weight loss is 2 - 2 1/2 pounds per week. You have to take care of yourself & eat sensibly.

[BillPaxton2424]

I meant to say since I began the trip. So 35 lbs since early June. I was overweight by 50 lbs. I am healthy now is what I am saying.

 

Thank you don <3

 

Still can't believe she has never even apologized to me. It shows you how messed up some people are..

[d0nnivain]

As long as you are losing weight in a healthy way, keep up the good work! It's just one more step in the right direction after a relationship that wasn't working. Good for you.

[smackie9]

It was a good life lesson, you are ready to take on the world! best of luck in this new chapter of your life.

[BillPaxton2424]

The only thing that still bothers me about the entire situation is the fact that she adopted a cat last year and abandoned it within 3 months. (i had to take it back to the shelter.) and also a bunny back in May (abandoned when she left for Italy, I had to take it back to the seller...)

 

That's literally the only part of this whole situation that I still feel bad about... Who adopts pets and then dumps them? God

[Thingsfallapart]

Bill,

 

My ex sent me breadcrumbs after 4 months and then a long rambling email asking me to just remember the happy times we had together... never got an apology...

 

They don’t change.

 

I bet you any money she will contact you in 3-6 months after she feels a bit down and lonely...

 

Do what I did. Ignore-ignore-ignore

It’s the only way to win

[BillPaxton2424]

I highly doubt it. She is the kind of girl who has the next boyfriends lined up while things are going south in her current relationship. She cheats and then plays the victim every single time. She cuts and acts suicidal for sympathy when she's down, so the next white knight gives her attention and she uses the previous bf to gain even more sympathy.

 

She is incapable of being alone. The best thing she did for me was to get 2 abortions while we were together... Imagine the hell I would be in right now with 2 kids..

 

She tells the new bf she cheated with the ex was a monster. This is her MO.

 

I am already 100% over her because I know I dodged a lifetime of misery and depression.

[d0nnivain]

She treats animals & people the same -- as disposable. Just be happy you are out & home.

[BillPaxton2424]

I'm pretty sure she won't ever contact me again. I made sure of that by telling her off pretty harshly.

 

The thing that made it all easier was the fact that I had the balls to walk out the door while she started crying and never look back.

 

Plus the fact that shes in another country with a new partner (probably) my guess is she is already perfectly fine.

 

Who cares though? Not my problem anymore. The Crazy is somebody elses now.