Step up and win him back

[Sweetcandy11]

The love of my life has moved out because I struggled to commit , be consistent , and I wasn’t very nice to him. He has given me an opportunity to prove myself and try and build our relationship again. I’m now really nervous when I see him and get frustrated as I don’t know what to say because of the way I was and sometimes still can be. Help!

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m now really nervous when I see him and get frustrated as I don’t know what to say because of the way I was and sometimes still can be. Help!

 

Not a lot to go on. Why weren't you nice to him? Why didn't you want to commit to the relationship?

 

How old are you guys and how long were you together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[glows]

He doesn’t sound very confident. Honestly if someone is expecting you to be someone you’re not, that person should have the balls to move on. This is just awkward and unnecessary. My opinion is that both of you aren’t being mature enough and treating each other with respect.

[d0nnivain]

Just be nice to him.

 

Do you understand why you struggled to commit? Have those concerns been addressed? You have to be happy in your own skin before you can be a good partner to someone else.

[Gaeta]

In your other thread you were saying even though you've been clean you are still acting like a cocain addict so your bf left.

 

If I were in a relationship with a recovering addict and he still acted as if he was using I would be leaving as well. If you are not using seek help to break those habits that are interfering with your life.

 

Even if you glue back a broken vase it will always remain a broken vase. Accept not everything can be put back together. Words and actions have consequences and sometimes it means losing people we love.

 

 

 

 

.

[Guildford]

How is it that this man is the love of your life, but he makes you feel nervous and frustrated when you see him? When you see the love of your life approaching your spirits should rise and you should be happy (butterflys in your stomach are good but not necessary). Is it possible that most people would view this man as "good husband material" that any single woman would want to snap up, but you just don't feel a strong attraction to him?

[Sweetcandy11]

Not a lot to go on. Why weren't you nice to him? Why didn't you want to commit to the relationship?

 

How old are you guys and how long were you together?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I was on coccaine addict started using when I was a dancer . I’ve been clean for 5 years now . We’ve been together 7 years and wasn’t honest about my addiction from he found out 3years into the relationship . He has stood by me through everything.

I’m 39 he is 43 we also have a daughter together.

[maxi105]

hi there sweet candy, hhhmmmm...good luck if you can win him back, but I fear that even if you do win him back after what went on (whatever went on); then it wont be long before things go close back to how they were.

 

people and situations don't change overnight, however much we want them too.(and that is also the case that I think he will find if you live together again for the moment).

 

it sounds as though you gave this guy a rough time. not committing, not being nice to someone and not being consistent all sounds like one massive headache!!! never mind what might have gone on between you (if you were with him during the addiction to cocaine).

 

look, congratulations on being 5 years clean, but I think its going to take a serious amount of time and sorting yourself out properly before you even should consider this person, he is obviously a good person, willing to give you a chance, but you say you can still be like this with him!!!! that doesn't reassure me at all.

 

maybe if you are not getting professional help with this then you ought to look to that for the first step and even then you need time away from things to sort yourself out, otherwise you will be back where you were again, I mean, this dude has moved out of your place! that must tell you something, you are not ready to be with him, regardless of his loving or forgiving personality towards you! you are lucky to have someone like that around you...many guys would have told you what you can do, left and that would be it, some would have just gone regardless of whether you have a child or not!

 

don't be fooled by the habit of missing him, that will happen even with folks who've moved on and were kind to each other!

 

I think you need some time alone and maybe let this guy meet someone new! if it is meant to be you will get him back: in time.

 

I think this guy deserves someone who is going to respect him, and regardless of whether you love him and want him back, going back to someone before you are ready (and you really don't sound ready), will just be picking at an already inflamed sore!!!!!

 

sorry it may not be the answer you were hoping for, but it is what I think.

 

you need to sort things emotionally and mentally for yourself, I don't mean a slur (I mean of the mind).

 

I don't think when you love someone you treat them in this way. love is a natural thing and it makes you feel good, if you feel good you act In a loving way. when things don't go that way especially if you are living with a person it is telling you something is wrong.

 

it must have taken a lot for him to move out!

 

if you do love this guy then maybe you need to give him a minimum of 6 months to sort yourself out and ask him if he's willing to wait for you.

 

if he's not then that will also tell you something. if he is prepared to wait for you then you need to be prepared again if things don't go well then he will be off again.

 

its a big ask for him because of what has gone on and what could happen in the future that we don't know, but you don't have many options, even if it is him doing all the asking...I still feel it is too soon if you are still behaving in this way at times towards him. it sounds like different things, but love isn't one of them at the moment the way you are telling it.

 

if you both love each other, then 6 years or 16 wouldn't keep you apart if you were both determined and able to be together properly, you would find a way.

 

 

but you have to be honest with yourself about what real love is and what that means to other people!

 

 

good wishes, its a difficult write, but all the best anyway.just remember, your choices and decisions are serious ones if you have a child...and you need to be totally honest and if it is time to move on then you have to both make sure your actions are with your child's best interests in mind....not some needy, selfish, what society expects or anything else...you need to really change your ways and start committing, because your child is picking all of this stuff up.

 

 

if you want "help" (as you are asking for), then as I say, your first call must be if you haven't got that already to meet with a suitable therapist where you can talk things properly and truthfully. I don't believe (for this post) you will really get to finding what you want, (or we could possibly really know what is going on or has gone on).

 

this post is about you and your behaviours and only someone who has the experience to talk with you over several months is realistically likely to be able to give you a proper chance to try to change some of you behaviours....but it will require your honesty and commitment and ideally your partners input with the therapist too so they can get the fuller picture of what your relationship is really about (or not) as the case may be!

 

this may sound like a negative post, but there is a chance if you are serious about wanting and are still LOVING???? this man. you need to take a few steps back and look at how your actions are affecting people, whether you realise it or not...you don't say anything about your child other than you have one, but your actions and the moving out will have had a profound effect on your child!!!!!

 

there is no guarantee that therapy will save your relationship anyway just because you've gone for help, but maybe you would be wise to seek that help anyway, just so you are not taking this kind of selfish, immature and distructiveness to your next relationships in the future.

 

love is a really good feeling, and it sounds like you've lost your way in this situation and with this person. I think a professional maybe able to help you address some of your behaviours, and if that happens then you may both appreciate each other as fresh individuals again...but until that happens, I don't think if you get together it sounds as though it will be long lasting as the old habits will eventually come back and irritate and frustrate you about him, knock his confidence and frustrate him about you, and bruise your child's view of relationships and how love is.(or how love shouldn't be but is accepted for the sake of another issue or agenda etc..)

 

ok, take care of yourself, and sorry it is not more upbeat. but its an honest reply and one that might help you get proper help to move forward (with him or forward in yourself, alone). best wishes, im sorry its not a happier reply, but just be honest and the help you need can find you. maxi:eek:

[preraph]

I mean, if you know you can't fix everything the way he wants, be honest with him about it. People can't just change overnight. Any adult should know that. But then he has to decide whether to stay or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

I was on coccaine addict started using when I was a dancer . I’ve been clean for 5 years now . We’ve been together 7 years and wasn’t honest about my addiction from he found out 3years into the relationship . He has stood by me through everything.

I’m 39 he is 43 we also have a daughter together.

 

Hmmm. Your addiction was 5 years ago, what’s that got to do with being erratic, uncommitted and treating him poorly now?

 

Mr. Lucky