Axee Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 I always remember the kind souls here at love shack who have helped me earlier so writing here to share the serious dilemma I am in .. I have been married for 3 years , my husband is well educated , kind, intelligent, funny , smart and generous . He is also a rationalist and an atheist .. The issue I am in right now is he consumes 55 to 70 drinks per week .. every evening from 6 pm to 12 am he is glued to the tv and drinks .. he even smokes 10 to 15 ciggrattes per day .. after he is drunk,he starts annoying me, calling me a horrible person etc ..he even makes me get alcohol at times .. Last 1 yr we were staying in a 1 bedroom apartment and every single night we were fighting . Now we are in a 2 bed apartment and I sleep in the other room when he drinks . I have begged , cried, pleaded and nagged him to stop but he hasn’t .. every week he says next week onwards no drinking but then it’s back to square one after a day or two .. he says he is depressed, I shared a few therapists numbers with him but he said they won’t be able to help and he will help himself .. so that option also he has ruled out . Second issue is he says he doesn’t want kids .. I am neutral about this at the moment but in in the future I might regret this . I am 33 and he is 35 right now ... The last issue is no sex , he says he has a low sex drive .. and slowly I too have the lost the desire to have sex with him .. the last time we had sex was 8 months ago .. in 3 years we might have had sex say around 10 times in total. I feel something is not normal there too .. Every evening I get anxious and I feel i need to separate if I have to take care of my future but next day morning when everything is sunny I feel I might be overthinking and with patience and understanding it will get better.. I am not able to share all of these aspects with anyone in the family or with my friends so thought of sharing this here in the hopes that I will be advised correctly ... I am also overweight and have an inferiority complex, but career wise doing ok. I also have societal pressure to stay married . What should I do - I feel I lack the experience to solve these issues.. I am not able to look that far into my future to take a decision too ... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Start going to local Al Anon meetings. These are support groups for people who love addicts. They will help you make sense of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 I have been married for 3 years , my husband is well educated , kind, intelligent, funny , smart and generous . He is also a rationalist and an atheist ... For some reason, you left alcoholic and emotional (and physical?) abuser off this list. Makes no sense to even consider the idea of bringing children into this relationship. And unless he'll start detox and rehab tomorrow, it also makes no sense for you to stay. This isn't a marriage, it's a prescription for unhappiness. If he won't address his addiction, you should leave... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 (edited) For some reason, you left alcoholic and emotional (and physical?) abuser off this list. Indeed. Your husband may be well educated, kind, intelligent, funny, and generous... But he is also a mean drunk. It makes absolutely no sense to stay and even less sense to bring children into this situation. I'm sorry, you need to go to an Al-anon meeting and then, you need to pack your bags... Edited August 18, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Axee Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 Indeed. Your husband may be well educated, kind, intelligent, funny, and generous... But he is also a mean drunk. It makes absolutely no sense to stay and even less sense to bring children into this situation. I'm sorry, you need to go to an Al-anon meeting and then, you need to pack your bags... I have often considered Al Anon but way too shy to attend it .. . Also when I told him I will leave if this continues , his response was drinking is his problem and he isn’t doing anything to impact me.. and he will stop on his own terms .. he also now tries to be in the bed room and drinks so that he doesn’t talk to me after he is drunk .. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 (edited) I have often considered Al Anon but way too shy to attend it .. . Also when I told him I will leave if this continues , his response was drinking is his problem and he isn’t doing anything to impact me.. and he will stop on his own terms .. he also now tries to be in the bed room and drinks so that he doesn’t talk to me after he is drunk .. It impacts you because you have a partner who is not present in your marriage... While he is drinking in the bedroom, you could be out having a nice dinner, watching a movie and cuddling on the sofa, entertaining friends and family, talking about your future, having sex, raising your children... Think of the money that he is spending on cigarettes and alcohol - that could be spent on a fantastic trip or put toward your retirement fund. Do you agree, his drinking affects you in many ways. His drinking is keeping you from sharing your life with a loving, attentive, engaging partner... It's keeping you from having the children you want and sharing life's greatest joy as you watch them grow... Edited August 18, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I echo the advice to seek out Al-Anon. Begging, pleading, crying, arguing and giving ultimatums does abosolutely nothing to change an alcoholic. If you are going to stay with an alcoholic then you pretty much have to accept that they are an alcoholic, do not fight it or enable it, just get on with life and figure out how to make your own happiness. If you cannot accept the alcoholism then you leave. In either case you have to shift your focus from him to yourself and what you can do to help yourself because you cannot change him. Al-Anon will help you find your path. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I have often considered Al Anon but way too shy to attend it .. .. You don't have to share. Just go & sit there. You need to listen to what the others have to say. In time you may become more comfortable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 If you are afraid to try Al Anon, why is it that you think he will attend counselling or therapy? That doesn't make sense. Did you know you can do Al Anon online? Why are you staying with him? No kids, no sex, abusive drinker. Perhaps if you filed for divorce it would shock him into changing. Perhaps not either and even if he did change, I doubt he could change enough. There is so much missing here. Besides the drinking. You are still young enough to start over. Don't waste another minute. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted August 23, 2018 Share Posted August 23, 2018 My poor woman, it is time for you to leave. Being big does not mean you are not beautiful in the eyes of another. Leave and find a man you will treat you and himself better. From the bottom of my heart you deserve better, many here know this even if you refuse to believe it, say to yourself "They know I deserve better, because I do, I do deserve better." Doing so may be the only thing which could help your husband snap out of the alcoholism. He may well need to hit rock bottom to rise up, and cannot do that with someone like you enabling him. But do not go back to him, help him learn the lesson of how destructive his behaviors are by making it cost him the marriage. If you stay, you will only be helping him live this lifestyle which is so obviously abhorrent to the outside observer. Link to post Share on other sites
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