Father wants to look for new partner just DAYS after mother passed away

[baretteo]

My mother only passed away TWO DAYS AGO and my father who is a senior (I'm only in my early 20s), is already thinking about remarrying. I don't know if my parents discussed this while my mum was still alive but no matter that, I feel it is disrespectful to the utmost, at this time. Maybe a year or more later, but

NOT

NOW!!!

I told my father, why don't we get a nice dog, they are great companions and you know how to take care of them. They love you when you show them love.

my mother was ill for many months before she passed away but my father never lost hope. Now only days after and he wants to look for some stranger woman.

 

Before he met my mother, he had a horrible pick of women, usually they did drugs or were just messed up mentally, thinking he would 'save' them. My mother was a stable beacon with great dignity. They had a great marriage and there were literally no fights I can think of. The fact he wants to look around online is so disrespectful. You can say people grieve differently or they started grieving months ago, but my mother didn't even pass away 72 hours. IT'S BEEN LESS THAN 72 HOURS.

 

This is VERY WORRYING because I think this could lead to some BAD things, to MORE heartache. My father is NOT in a sound, mental condition to even think about looking for a woman. And I'm really not accepting of a woman that I will never consider my mother because my mother, who I came from her own womb, is irreplaceable. She is my mother, she was really one of a kind (a foreigner and craftswoman). I can't trust my father's judgement on the type of woman he picks, not now. She might take away everything we have. My father and I are artists who are working together to build something, and I'm NOT looking forward to another person coming in and changing everything EVEN MORE. Especially not now.

 

Not.

Now.

 

I've spoken to him a little bit but he just says I am being negative. I don't think this is healthy. I want my father to be happy too, but why does this have to happen now...?

 

PLEASE HELP!

Edited August 18, 2018 by baretteo

[BaileyB]

First things first, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother. And yes, you should not have to be dealing with this now... I'm sorry.

 

I lost my mother six years ago. My father told me two weeks after she passed that he was going to start dating because he "was not going to be single forever." He started a relationship with another woman two months after my mother passed. He dated my mom's sister's best friend - needless to say, it didn't go over well. They are still together and things are much better today.

 

I will tell you what I've learned. Grief does terrible things to people. My father had difficulty coping with the pain and loss of grief, and he literally grabbed onto the first woman that crossed his path... It was a distraction from the pain, it was not healthy but it was what he did to cope.

 

You can talk with your dad to express your concern, but you must remember - he is a grown adult and he will make his own decisions. You will not agree with all of his decisions, it doesn't change the fact that he is responsible for his own life and he has the right to make whatever decisions he wants to make...

 

And, as he is responsible for his own life, you are also responsible for your own life. The only thing that you control in this situation is how you chose to respond. It is ok for you to take a big step back and say - "I can't deal with this right now. I am grieving the loss of my mother and I need time to do that." That's what I had to do... It hurt like hell, because I wanted and needed my dad in that moment... But, we couldn't be there for each other at that time.

 

I had to make my peace with the fact that I could not control the decisions my father was making - if he chose the wrong woman, if he spent or gave away all his money, if he chose to walk away from our relationship... I could not control that. I could only control my own reaction and I needed to focus on my own wellbeing and mental health.

 

It has only been a few days... You are in the very early days of this journey and it will be a long and winding road. Give him some time, take some distance and give him a chance to get his feet underneath him. Try really hard to remember, he is hurting too and he is doing his best to cope with his pain. Try to be kind and understanding, but not at the expense of your own mental health.

 

Take care.

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my condolences on your mother's passing.

 

Your father may be simply looking for an outlet for his grief. If your mother had been ill, he knew this was coming. As his daughter you have logic on your side but this is an emotional issue. Why not tell your father that while you don't care for his method of processing, you certainly can't stop him but suggest that companionship doesn't have to mean marriage & that he needs to take his time before finding a new permanent partner.

 

You are an adult. This new person will not be a new mother to you. She will be a companion to your dad.

[Whodatdog]

Everyone has different ways of handling grief. You and your father are 2 very different people, and what you need in this situation is not the same as what your father needs. All you can do is take care of yourself and handle your emotions the best way you can. Let you father do what he will do, because he will probably do what he wants to do no matter what you think he should do. As another said, his new companion will not be your mother...it will just be his companion. Take care of yourself thru this very difficult time.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I've spoken to him a little bit but he just says I am being negative. I don't think this is healthy. I want my father to be happy too, but why does this have to happen now...?

 

PLEASE HELP!

 

I'll join in adding my condolences. I lost both parents within a short period of time and it's rough.

 

Were I you, I'd simply stop discussing this topic with your dad. If he brings it up, tell him you don't want to talk about it. He's an adult and will process his grief in his own way so it's out of your control. And while those actions don't need your consent, you obviously don't have to offer your approval...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Were I you, I'd simply stop discussing this topic with your dad. If he brings it up, tell him you don't want to talk about it. He's an adult and will process his grief in his own way so it's out of your control. And while those actions don't need your consent, you obviously don't have to offer your approval...

 

Brilliantly said. And, absolutely true.

 

It's hard to see your parent in pain. But, this is something you can not help him with...

 

OP, I hope you have some other support to help you during your time of loss. An aunt perhaps, or a close friend... Keep posting if you need to talk.

Edited August 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm so sorry for your loss .

[Miss Clavel]

take your father to a lawyer and tie up the money.

 

remind him gently, that any other woman will still not be your mom. his love. let him know that of course, when the time comes that he finds a woman that is good for him, not just a replacement for what he's lost, you will support him.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Miss Clavel

[Robert]

If the thread starter returns and would like to reopen the thread then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks