PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Hi For those of you married or no longer married for the second time, did the stepchildren (not your own children) adult or young impact the marriage to separation or divorce? Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 First marriage, but we each had a child from a previous relationship and both children lived with us fulltime. We also had a child together. He always felt that my parents preferred my child over our child and his child, he used to go on and on about it, and treat my son more harshly because of it. He was abusive and violent. One day he picked my son up (aged 11) and threw him into a wall and put his hands around his throat, my son managed to get away and screamed at me that he wanted to call the police, I told him to go ahead. Police arrived took my ex away, and that was the end of the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 (edited) I had thee stepsons in my marriage and there was quite a bit of contention over handling the oldest. He's a great kid, he and I still talk and I love him but his mother enabled some seriously lazy behavior on his part. At the end of the day, it came down to his total lack of work ethic. He barely graduated high school because he was continually failing classes and didn't care about the consequences. I never felt the consequences were steep enough so my ex and I fought over that. He had absolutely no interest in extra-curricular activities and was basically a lump. When he became old enough to get a job, I demanded that he do so; ASAFP. But, my ex dragged that one out and wouldn't force him to do it. He did manage to land a job with her cousin the summer before his junior year (roofing) but was fired for being lazy..The summer before his senior year, I became hard-nosed about it. He was unemployed, he had just finished yet another round of summer school and I was tired of watching him sit around all day, drinking two cases of soda and playing video games. So, I STRONGLY suggested that we ship him to his grandfather's ranch for the rest of the summer if he wasn't going to get a job. He dragged his heels on getting a job, my ex didn't get on him for it and I told her that I was losing patience with it in a hurry. That turned into argument after argument and things blew up when I found a bong in his room. I told her point-blank that he was going to end up just like his biological father in less than a year's time; an unemployed stoner and that I was NOT going to financially support him if that happened. He managed to land a job working 20 hours/week at a department store so I dropped it and called it good.. Edited August 19, 2018 by OatsAndHall 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 20, 2018 Author Share Posted August 20, 2018 (edited) I had thee stepsons in my marriage and there was quite a bit of contention over handling the oldest. He's a great kid, he and I still talk and I love him but his mother enabled some seriously lazy behavior on his part. <snip> He dragged his heels on getting a job, my ex didn't get on him for it and I told her that I was losing patience with it in a hurry. That turned into argument after argument and things blew up when I found a bong in his room. I told her point-blank that he was going to end up just like his biological father in less than a year's time; an unemployed stoner and that I was NOT going to financially support him if that happened. He managed to land a job working 20 hours/week at a department store so I dropped it and called it good.. Thanks for your response. Do i read that you decided on divorce? Edited August 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 I commented on your other thread. It’s puzzling that you would break up your marriage over your stepson’s job incident. Do you think your marriage had lots of problems before this particular incident? How about your relationship with the stepson before the incident? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Thanks for your response. Do i read that you decided on divorce? Yes, we ended up divorced but it wasn't over the issues with the oldest stepson. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Would it be fair to say that your marriage is ending because of issues related to trust, respect, communication, his lack of consideration for your feelings, his unwillingness to enforce respectful and healthy boundaries with his children, among other things... Is it possible that the incident with the stepson has highlighted other issues you were having in your relationship? In other words - it's a symptom, not the problem? I'm also curious, were there problems in your marriage before this incident? It seems strange to end a marriage based on one incident, albeit - a bad incident - with an adult child who is grown and has his own life to lead... Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 My best friend... had a marriage end because of the step daughter. The mom, felt guilty for the divorce from last husband and she gave in to every whim of the daughter. The wife, fell further into depression, refused to embrace the marriage and that relationship. She was just too weak to stand up to a 12 YO. Completely ruined everything, he finally had to divorce them both... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 I commented on your other thread. It’s puzzling that you would break up your marriage over your stepson’s job incident. Do you think your marriage had lots of problems before this particular incident? How about your relationship with the stepson before the incident? The SS and H did not speak for years until I built the bridge to bring themback together. It’s actually H choosing SS Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 23, 2018 Author Share Posted August 23, 2018 Would it be fair to say that your marriage is ending because of issues related to trust, respect, communication, his lack of consideration for your feelings, his unwillingness to enforce respectful and healthy boundaries with his children, among other things... Is it possible that the incident with the stepson has highlighted other issues you were having in your relationship? In other words - it's a symptom, not the problem? I'm also curious, were there problems in your marriage before this incident? It seems strange to end a marriage based on one incident, albeit - a bad incident - with an adult child who is grown and has his own life to lead... There were no problems prior. It’s your first paragraph. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 My second marriage is breaking up because of his controlling and abusive behavior. However, if you spoke to him, I am sure he would say my three grown daughters broke up our marriage. He tried, for four years, to isolate me from them. My 29-yr-old went through a rough 7-8 years with anorexia and suicidal ideation (which started years before I met him) and he literally hated her because he felt she was making everything up just to try to get my attention. He constantly criticized my parenting and said I did a horrible job with them because they still wanted to see me all the time. Meanwhile, when his son (at the age of 18) came to the U.S., he did not speak to him for 8 years because he was mad at him for not staying in Greece. I don't take parenting criticism from someone who can turn his back on his son for 8 years. I never intend to be involved with a man ever again, but if for some reason I am, you can bet he is going to either accept the close relationship I have with my daughters, or he will be kicked to the curb stat! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 My second marriage is breaking up because of his controlling and abusive behavior. However, if you spoke to him, I am sure he would say my three grown daughters broke up our marriage. He tried, for four years, to isolate me from them. My 29-yr-old went through a rough 7-8 years with anorexia and suicidal ideation (which started years before I met him) and he literally hated her because he felt she was making everything up just to try to get my attention. He constantly criticized my parenting and said I did a horrible job with them because they still wanted to see me all the time. Meanwhile, when his son (at the age of 18) came to the U.S., he did not speak to him for 8 years because he was mad at him for not staying in Greece. I don't take parenting criticism from someone who can turn his back on his son for 8 years. I never intend to be involved with a man ever again, but if for some reason I am, you can bet he is going to either accept the close relationship I have with my daughters, or he will be kicked to the curb stat! That’s what’s so perplexing. I gave his children more love and support than he did. I’m just distraught Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhillyLibertyBelle Posted September 12, 2018 Author Share Posted September 12, 2018 Just an update. SS convinced my H we should get divorced BUT STAY ENGAGED SO H ISNT LONELY BUT WOULD MAKE SS COMFORTABLE FOR ME BOT TO BE A LEGAL MEMBER OF THE FAMILY. Link to post Share on other sites
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