Reconciliation Post-Infidelity

[house13um]

I'm a 28yo male, B.S. Psychology, M.A. MFT, school counselor. Was dating a 22yo female, HSD, waitress, semi-professional artist, previous hardcore drug user (early-2015 - mid-2016). We met in 2014 online via a dating site, but went in and out of communication for two years until we started informally dating in Dec 2016, and formally by Feb 2017. Dated until Jun 2018, when information came to light that she had not only been unfaithful, but had been in contact with two previous partners, possibly been offering paid sex services to customers at her work site at the time (she now works elsewhere), and delving back into drug use within a month's time. We had moved in together back in Feb this year with our roommates; executive decision was made to kick her out the night the information came to light, have her parents pick her up, and temporarily cease communication. I also made it clear we were breaking up.

 

When the info came to light, some of it was confirmed, but other elements were not, such as the drug allegations. She voluntarily went within 48 hours to get a full-panel hair follicle drug screening: sample was obtained from a lab technician, and results were negative across the board. However, we did get confirmation from various sources that she was in fact attempting to go out on a date with one of her coworkers the day the allegations were brought up, and that she had received money under the table from at least two customers of whom coworkers were suspicious they had been having romantic affiliation. She denied this was for sex services, but rather for art commissions.

 

I offered a chance at reconciliation. She seemed interested and accepted. We started counseling within two weeks of the incident, during which time she stated her reason for contacting previous partners and attempting to date the coworker / others was because she craved positive physical attention. She was obese during high-school and, per her statement, was violently bullied over it. It wasn't until she lost the weight post- high-school that she ever received genuine positive attention, and anytime it was offered to her, she said she would pounce at it. She said I provided more than ample attention and affection, but if she could get it elsewhere as well, she would. She pledged to cease (and stated she had already ceased) further contact with those she had affiliated herself with, be honest and up-front about anything related to these issues, and would work to a healthy long-term resolution.

 

By late July, things were going well; we had established good communication once more, and we had setup a comfortable temporary physical boundary where we wouldn't engage in regular sexual activity as we had while dating, but would still share physical affection, until we could get a firm foundation setup between us once more. At this time, she had offered and opened up all access to online resources for me to peruse at my leisure if I ever doubted her. I utilized this opportunity without premeditation during the last week of July; she wanted me to queue up an art post on a social networking site while she was at work, but to login, I needed to access her email and click a link. While there, I noticed an email from one of her previous partners, and decided at this point to peruse the rest of her account. In the end, I found multiple email threads between both her previous partners, a handful of partners I was not aware of, and suggestions that money had been exchanged. A number of these communications happened after we began counseling, and her pledge to end all contact and be honest / up-front with me about things.

 

I asked her, without referencing my knowledge of any of this, if she had been in contact with previous partners or anyone else since we began working on things. She said no. I then revealed I had the information, and she acknowledged everything, in a very dry and "welp, you caught me" manner. I decided at that point to cease any further attempt at reconciliation, and although we still had another counseling appointment set up and I attended, she did not. She stated early on she would continue to see the counselor whether I was involved or not, as she didn't want to continue on the way she had.

 

- - - - -

 

There are a bunch of missing parts to the story like most posts here, but here's the end point:

 

One of the things we discussed in counseling was our mutual concern I wouldn't be able to reestablish trust. Admittedly, the counselor was not of much help with us, as they made it clear they were unfamiliar with the process as well. I'm unfamiliar as well, even with my experience as a counselor and my education in marriage and family counseling; reconciliation is just not well-covered. In any case, since all of this has happened, I've done some research on my own time, and I understand the general responsibilities of both parties, but I wanted to ask a couple things to you all:

 

1. What input do you guys have on the process of reconciliation post-infidelity for both parties? What should be expected from each? What are healthy steps to take?
   
2. I've been considering opening up communication one last time, despite her having continued on as she has and, thus, making it seem clear she continues to involve herself with others. Because we were so concerned and unfamiliar with the process of rebuilding trust, I wanted to share with her that I had the knowledge now and knew how to proceed, as well as highlight sources that may be of use for her. Is this as dumb and unhealthy as I think it is, or could this potentially be reasonable? I know I can't paint the full picture here of who either of us are (or, in this case, who I think she is), but nevertheless, this is one of my biggest concerns.
   

 

And of course, if you have any questions for me, just let me know.

[Zahara]

I would advise you to move on. Aim higher and have better standards for yourself. You’re only 28 with a life ahead of you. Find someone that shares your life values. Seeking a partner that needs significant fixing, with a high probability of failure shouldn’t be an option.

 

Change has to come from her. Even if that happens it’s going to take time, effort and commitment on her part to want it and to work on it — without you being in the picture — you do not want to put yourself in position of pain if she relapses again. So you move on and let her find her way.

 

You need to focus on understanding why you believe you need to revisit someone who has a pattern of such dysfunction and why you think this is all you deserve.

[stillafool]

I agree with Zahara just move on. This girl is 22 and have found out how easy it is to make money by selling herself. This is happening a lot nowadays with young women. Once they start it's hard to stop and she could get back into drug addiction as well. You are only 28 years old and should not be shouldered with trying to figure out this girls comings and goings as if you are married to her. She is a liar and will continue to do so. I agree that you should be more worried as to why you are attracted to someone with this behavior.

[house13um]

I would advise you to move on. Aim higher and have better standards for yourself. You’re only 28 with a life ahead of you. Find someone that shares your life values. Seeking a partner that needs significant fixing, with a high probability of failure shouldn’t be an option.

 

Change has to come from her. Even if that happens it’s going to take time, effort and commitment on her part to want it and to work on it — without you being in the picture — you do not want to put yourself in position of pain if she relapses again. So you move on and let her find her way.

 

You need to focus on understanding why you believe you need to revisit someone who has a pattern of such dysfunction and why you think this is all you deserve.

 

I agree with Zahara just move on. This girl is 22 and have found out how easy it is to make money by selling herself. This is happening a lot nowadays with young women. Once they start it's hard to stop and she could get back into drug addiction as well. You are only 28 years old and should not be shouldered with trying to figure out this girls comings and goings as if you are married to her. She is a liar and will continue to do so. I agree that you should be more worried as to why you are attracted to someone with this behavior.

 

This is what I get for trying to keep it concise.

 

I'm not attracted to her within the context of the behavior, or thinking this is all I deserve. I am attracted to the love, be it artificial or authentic, she provided for the past year-and-a-half. She spoke all my love languages perfectly and voluntarily, plus communication between us, if not what was going on in her own life, was open and clear. She was a far better fit of a partner than my previous partners and ex-wife have been, but in addition to that, there was who I thought she was: she had a personality that I liked quite a lot, and we had differences that complemented us very well.

 

But all that said, the validity of who she is now lies in question, so it may have all been artificial. And getting back into something that was little more than a ruse would, of course, be nothing but unhealthy.

[Zahara]

You're attracted to an idealized image you've created in your mind. The idea of love. Within that past year and a half she was cheating on you. You're romanticizing this rather than focusing on the reality of who she is and what your relationship actually entailed. You want to redeem love that was artificial? While she was showering you with the languages of love, she was also cheating and soliciting sex for money. Is that what you construe as love?

 

Love does not equal mistrust, disloyalty, lies, cheating, betrayal, etc. Personality and "love" isn't enough to build a foundation. When you caught her the second time, she was still lying and she was almost nonchalant in her response. She didn't care. There was no remorse. And she's still engaged in that same lifestyle. How many times does a woman have to play you for a fool for you to find your self-respect and move on?

 

And if someone has betrayed you twice and has been offering sex for money with the possibility of drug use, is the best partner you've had in comparison to your past, then the common denominator is you. Your boundaries and values are lacking. You have to figure out why you keep selecting these women. Your brain is is truly clouded.

 

Maybe there will be other posters that will support your decision to revisit a highly dysfunctional situation and provide you with what you want to hear.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited August 18, 2018 by Zahara

[house13um]

You're attracted to an idealized image you've created in your mind. The idea of love. Within that past year and a half she was cheating on you. You're romanticizing this rather than focusing on the reality of who she is and what your relationship actually entailed. You want to redeem love that was artificial? While she was showering you with the languages of love, she was also cheating and soliciting sex for money. Is that what you construe as love?

 

Love does not equal mistrust, disloyalty, lies, cheating, betrayal, etc. Personality and "love" isn't enough to build a foundation. When you caught her the second time, she was still lying and she was almost nonchalant in her response. She didn't care. How many times does a woman have to play you for a fool for you to find your self-respect and move on?

 

And if someone has betrayed you twice and has been offering sex for money is the best partner you've had in comparison to your past, then the common denominator is you. Your boundaries and values are lacking. You have to figure out why you keep selecting these women.

 

Maybe there will be other posters that will support your decision to revisit a highly dysfunctional situation and provide you with what you want to hear.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Has this site deteriorated since I was last here? The heck.

 

No. I understand I'm a counselor with experience and education, and thus I'm supposed to get some of this stuff. But it's far too soon, and there are far too few details I haven't listed, to assume what I define as love, my level of self-esteem, my values / boundaries, or what kind of women I've dated in the past. This is not help, this is uninformed accusations.

 

In any case, moving along:

 

- - - - -

 

I'm settled in and comfortable with moving on. The tentative plan has been to get back into the online scene this September. One of the main reasons why I've been considering reaching out to her again, aside from a number of details I haven't listed here (again, if you have questions that could help with giving input, let me know), is the fact that I can't identify an incentive as to why my partner was with me if it was all fake.

 

She never received any money from me. No resources, no major material gifts, nothing. In fact, she actually paid for a lot of our dates, gave me more creative gifts, and helped me financially for a couple of months both during a move to a new house, and when I broke up with her, since I was expecting her to help out with some things over the course of June and July.

 

So, on that front, it seems odd. But regardless of reason, she did cheat, and more importantly, she continued to cheat and communicate with those she promised not to during the attempt at reconciliation. I guess I'm mostly curious as to the possible nature of the whole situation, although speculation doesn't have much productive value in and of itself.

[ExpatInItaly]

This will never work.

 

As the others have said, you need to move on and find someone who loves you and respects you. No matter how you look at it, this girl just doesn't.

[Marc878]

It's hard for a lot to understand there are basically dishonest people because we aren't like that so we don't get it.

 

They will lie and deceive even in front of a counselor.

 

This behavior is apparently deep rooted in her.

 

You could try and understand this for a thousand years and not get it.

 

Trying to rafionalze the irrational is a fools errand.

 

You made the right choice

[house13um]

This will never work.

 

As the others have said, you need to move on and find someone who loves you and respects you. No matter how you look at it, this girl just doesn't.

 

It's hard for a lot to understand there are basically dishonest people because we aren't like that so we don't get it.

 

They will lie and deceive even in front of a counselor.

 

This behavior is apparently deep rooted in her.

 

You could try and understand this for a thousand years and not get it.

 

Trying to rafionalze the irrational is a fools errand.

 

You made the right choice

 

Understood, and agreed. Even though I logically know I made a sound choice, it helps to hear others voice their input on the matter, for sure.

 

But, man. What a situation. I'm an at-fault divorcee, so I know what it's like to be the "bad guy" in a relationship, albeit not with infidelity. But I've never been on the receiving end of deception. I know a year-and-a-half wasted is not the end of the world, and nothing by compare to some situations. But it does suck having had my love languages stroked for the first time. It's like the bar for what I expect in a relationship is now set far higher than I ever once had it – which I guess could be a good thing, since I'm looking for healthy elements. Still, it's a yucky situation.

[vla1120]

Understood, and agreed. Even though I logically know I made a sound choice, it helps to hear others voice their input on the matter, for sure.

 

But, man. What a situation. I'm an at-fault divorcee, so I know what it's like to be the "bad guy" in a relationship, albeit not with infidelity. But I've never been on the receiving end of deception. I know a year-and-a-half wasted is not the end of the world, and nothing by compare to some situations. But it does suck having had my love languages stroked for the first time. It's like the bar for what I expect in a relationship is now set far higher than I ever once had it – which I guess could be a good thing, since I'm looking for healthy elements. Still, it's a yucky situation.

 

I just spent four years in a marriage with a man who, in the beginning, spoke my love languages as I had never experienced before - not in my 32-yr-marriage, nor before. I also believe your initial question was basically - how does reconciliation post-infidelity work. I feel I can best answer your questions with a bit of experience from both of my marriages.

 

My first husband cheated on me four times that I am aware of during our 32-yr marriage. Each time, it was at a pivotal time in our relationship and the situation did not lend itself to ending the relationship (I was pregnant, or we were about to be restationed in the military, or I simply wanted to keep our family together.) I actually was never able to fully trust him again. Because there was no trust, our relationship turned into more of a platonic partnership/friendship. Clearly, we had sex at least three times since I bore three daughters, but I do not look back on that marriage and remember a time when we were truly loving or affectionate toward one another. If you are prepared to never trust her again, but like the common love language, maybe that will work for you, but you will forever wonder whether she is doing sexual favors for money, whether she is using again, etc.

 

My second marriage was the one where I experienced love and affection like I never had in my life, at least in the beginning. It was as if he could anticipate my every need and desire. I still miss that about our relationship. I actually mourn the loss of that type of connection with someone. When things were good, they were very good. Unfortunately, he was also manipulative, controlling, and verbally and emotionally abusive if I didn't live up to his expectations of me. I had tried to leave at one point, but because of my guilt (he has cancer) I went back. I was feeling suicidal at one point because I literally felt so trapped, it seemed like a viable alternative at the time. I had weekly therapy sessions with two different therapists for over three years trying to make that marriage work. Each therapist encouraged me to leave and feared for my safety because of how controlling he was and the fact that he had "nothing to lose" and often threatened suicide himself.

 

Given those two marital circumstances, I found myself missing my first marriage. It was difficult to deal with the infidelity, but he was my best friend and I have great family memories with him. My second husband makes my first husband look like Prince Charming, except for the infidelity. However, no level of commonality in the love of language is worth accepting any type of abuse and I feel that infidelity is such a betrayal that it is a form of abuse.

 

So, maybe you will never find someone who shares your love language, but you could at least have someone who respects you and cares enough about you not to betray your trust. That is pretty important, too.

[ExpatInItaly]

Understood, and agreed. Even though I logically know I made a sound choice, it helps to hear others voice their input on the matter, for sure.

 

But, man. What a situation. I'm an at-fault divorcee, so I know what it's like to be the "bad guy" in a relationship, albeit not with infidelity. But I've never been on the receiving end of deception. I know a year-and-a-half wasted is not the end of the world, and nothing by compare to some situations. But it does suck having had my love languages stroked for the first time. It's like the bar for what I expect in a relationship is now set far higher than I ever once had it – which I guess could be a good thing, since I'm looking for healthy elements. Still, it's a yucky situation.

 

She stoked your love languages while stoking others' love languages too. This girl knew exactly what she was doing, so you need to question the sincerity and authenticity of those love languages here. When it comes from a place of dishonesty or emotional manipulation (ie. to keep you around while she went off with other men) it's not a sign of true love. It's a calculated series of actions intended to blind you to what she was really up to.

 

You're right that it's a crappy situation. She was just not the woman you are looking for, and you deserve a lot better than this trainwreck of girl.

[SpecialJ]

This woman has low self esteem and no healthy coping mechanisms. You can't help her or even wait it out. It's all internal changes she needs to want to make, and her behaviors have shown you that she's not interested enough in making them for herself yet.

 

Kudos to her for working through her issues enough to get off drugs, but the work isn't done. At 22, there's unlikely to be enough negative consequences and wisdom yet for her to face all of her problems. She's still able to get away with relying on others for validation etc. She's got insatiable holes she's trying to fill, so the hurtful behavior towards others is going to continue until she can be fulfilled by herself.

 

Love languages etc are nice, but you've been married. You know what's important when life gets difficult. A relationship that's great when things are good is important, but one that's stable and reliable when things get bad (like if someone is sick) is key. Sounds like you'd be reliable if she relapses, but what about her behavior shows you she could be a reliable partner to you if you hit some sort of major life obstacle?

 

Making the decision to move on without her, and looking at your own blind spots and why they're there once you are ready to, is a good one. Good luck.

[house13um]

This woman has low self esteem and no healthy coping mechanisms. You can't help her or even wait it out. It's all internal changes she needs to want to make, and her behaviors have shown you that she's not interested enough in making them for herself yet.

 

Kudos to her for working through her issues enough to get off drugs, but the work isn't done. At 22, there's unlikely to be enough negative consequences and wisdom yet for her to face all of her problems. She's still able to get away with relying on others for validation etc. She's got insatiable holes she's trying to fill, so the hurtful behavior towards others is going to continue until she can be fulfilled by herself.

 

Love languages etc are nice, but you've been married. You know what's important when life gets difficult. A relationship that's great when things are good is important, but one that's stable and reliable when things get bad (like if someone is sick) is key. Sounds like you'd be reliable if she relapses, but what about her behavior shows you she could be a reliable partner to you if you hit some sort of major life obstacle?

 

Making the decision to move on without her, and looking at your own blind spots and why they're there once you are ready to, is a good one. Good luck.

 

An overarching problem is, she was also dependable and stable when things were tough. I was diagnosed with clostridium difficile, or C. Diff, back in November after taking a round of antibiotics for surgery I had in October. It was absolutely debilitating, because I don't handle basic stomach pain well as it is. It took several weeks for doctors to do the appropriate lab, as they were first interested in doing a colonoscopy, given the severity of the symptoms. Once they got the results back though, I went on vancomycin, and was back to normal within two weeks.

 

During that time, she went above and beyond the call of support, paying for groceries, cooking meals that would be gentle on my stomach, calling an ambulance one night when the pain was severe enough to make me feel faint, and keeping her phone on her person and turned up at all times in the event I needed her when she was away.

 

Although the authenticity of this support and the many other positive things she did is up in the air, I think the primary point, much along the lines of what you and others have said, is that she has made it clear she intends to continue doing what she has behind the scenes, regardless of the reason (which by her statement, on the financial end versus the attention end, largely included, "I did these things so I could buy you gifts, the groceries you needed when things were tough, etc."). And I definitely agree with you, knowing what objective points I do know about her, that she hasn't hit enough obstacles in the right areas to incentivize a true turnaround.

 

Coming here to ask about the situation includes a lot of the usual post-manipulative relationship sentiments: Did I do something wrong? Was I the primary one at fault? Did I make her do these things? Could she be telling the truth, that she got the money for me? Was she telling the truth in counseling, that she craves the attention, and perhaps this is just her struggling to do what's right?

 

The relationship on both ends was healthy from start to finish, at least seemingly, but at this point I can only vouch for my actions. My downfalls included being quick to turn negative when money got tight, and complaining far too much when things got tough (for example, when we moved to the new house, during which anything you could think of that could hold up the process before a move-out deadline near about did). We always talked through our problems and, much better than my ex-wife and I did, we would actually act out on what we discussed and see the resolutions to reality.

 

But, again, it's pretty much all null and void given her actions not only at the outset, but more importantly to me, during the reconciliation process. Nothing changed behind the scenes. All the information I discovered highlighted she had continued on just as she had before she was first found out. And I have to remember: had I not found out, it seems quite unlikely she ever would have willingly brought it up. All of which leaves the summary of her half of the relationship as unhealthy and dishonest.

 

I do know now that I have to have my love languages communicated, and that I will do the same for my partner in equal measure. My ex-wife and I attempted to do so with each other since we understood them, but we were both young and very much focused on whatever bad stuff would come up between or around us, so attempts were few and far-between. I at least now understand from an experiential standpoint, rather than just textbook, how important it is in the grand scheme of a relationship. There are definitely positive takeaways from this relationship, regardless of the outcome.

[ExpatInItaly]

The relationship on both ends was healthy from start to finish, at least seemingly, but at this point I can only vouch for my actions.

 

This is where I have trouble following - how was it healthy from start to finish if you know she was cheating, and possibly prostituting herself and using drugs again?

 

That is a sincere question, by the way. I see that your intentions with her serious and sincere, but I don't think the same could be said about her at all.

[house13um]

This is where I have trouble following - how was it healthy from start to finish if you know she was cheating, and possibly prostituting herself and using drugs again?

 

That is a sincere question, by the way. I see that your intentions with her serious and sincere, but I don't think the same could be said about her at all.

 

Right, that’s why I added “at least seemingly” after that line, as it’s clear it’s very possible the interactions we had during our relationship were not genuine, and either way, keeping the secrets she did / doing what she was behind the scenes was in and of itself unhealthy.

[Ralph79]

house13um,

 

I think I've gone through enough bad relationships to provide you with examples that might aid you in finding the answers you are looking for.

 

You started a relationship which you KNEW would have complications but I'm under the impression that you believed yourself prepared enough to face head on.

 

For some reason, my relationships have been with women who have suffered some sort of traumatic experience in their lives. Both my ExWife and my Current Wife were sexually assaulted as teenagers and I found this out AFTER marriage. I believed I could help them or at least convince them to seek help with a specialist.

 

I knew I provided a more secure, supportive and positive environment than even their own households, let alone other relationships. In the case of my ExWife , she kept in touch with a drug-addict friend from her childhood behind my back. Then kept emailing her exBF that she wanted to go back to him and begging forgiveness for marrying me. I was kept in the dark because although I saw she was always living in the moment and never planning for a future with me (I found out she had an abortion without my knowledge when we were expecting, she would never help us save money, etc), she told me she loved me in such a way that I always believed her, until she confessed that she only married me to see what kind of settlement she could get out of a divorce. 5 years later.

 

Needless to say there were more insults thrown my way, and humiliating experiences I went through trying to save that marriage that in the end I hurt myself by allowing a person like her to step over me and treat me that way. For the record, I have an Engineering degree from one of the best schools, I manage family businesses, and she was a waitress, who admittedly wanted to marry the "man of her dreams who would whisk her away from her prison of daily life and live a happily ever after" . Yes , that meant she didn't intend to work or go to college. (She was home schooled through High School).

 

My current wife cheated on me with her exBF. A guy who previously had literally beaten her up and left her bloodied out on the street in broad daylight. Not only that, but money she had asked me for "personal" reasons when into his pockets. The only think I know about that guy is that he spends all his earning on booze and drugs and lives off handouts from friends and GF's. She was also a waitress but at least she does have an interest in growing. At least she does now.

 

You really can't compare people, but you can share lessons learned. Your GF, is young. She has yet to grasp what it is she wants in life. She's not ready for you. People here are telling you that you deserve better and to raise your standards because of where you are at this point in your life, not because of what you have. You have TONS to offer to a partner, to society, to a family, and unfortunately this person cannot see how valuable you truly are in her life at this moment. Give her 4-5 years and she'll come around. But by then your goals, your needs , your ambitions will have evolved to the point where she will still not be ready for you.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. There is nothing you can do to help her through her troubles. Only those who want to be helped CAN be helped, you know this. And she clearly is still trying to find how she fits in this world.

 

Yes when the situation called for it, she rose up to the occasion and proved that she could be counted on. But you won't live your life in a constant state of emergency. She is trying to feel useful in her own way and I think she might find you "too perfect" for her if you know what I mean.

 

I think there is a probability that she feels that there is nothing she can contribute to your life that could be of any use other than her companionship and love. Maybe she feels like a trophy wife around you. And the main reason she stays in contact with other people is because they make her feel truly useful.

 

How did I resolve my situation? I allowed my now Wife to hit rock bottom. I shut her out of my life and convinced her that it was over. I went beyond NC. I disappeared from her life completely. After a while she came knocking to my house. She even slept on the floor outside waiting for me to open the door. I made her wait months to even give her a chance to earn back my trust. I put her through a lot of BS so that when I did finally gave her a chance she was immensely grateful for the opportunity. And while she still has other faults she needs to address (as do we all, myself included), there isn't a week that goes by in which she doesn't tell me that she will always be grateful for letting her back into my life again.

 

So my advice to you my friend is, do what you must to get the peace of mind you seek. I was able to work things out with my wife post-infidelity, but the circumstances were different and there is no blueprint for a clear-cut solution. I like to think that I worked things out because she wanted things to work out in the end, but had I made it easy for her, she would've not hesitated to put our relationship at risk again. But it is possible to work things out, as long as the other partner wants it as vehemently as you do. In your case I would not approach her anymore. You've done your part . It's her turn to do things willingly.

 

If you have to resort to opening up her emails, just for the sake of checking up on her, then that should tell you that the relationship was on shaky ground even then. If you have to perform a drug test to see weather or not she's telling the truth about her habits, you know things are not headed in the right directions. Yes I know this happened earlier, but still, we're not talking about a kid. You are acting more like a father figure than a partner. In order to establish a healthy relationship there has to be trust on both sides. And that entails risks. If you're not going to trust this person in the future and plan on checking her every move without giving her an inch of trust on your part, then what's the point of giving her chance then ?

 

Or could you really see yourself married to someone who you don't trust for the rest of your life?

 

I hope you are able to sort your feelings out. You are smarter than to be stuck in this emotional loophole.

 

Cheers Bud

[Orokotikki]

I am very sad for you house, this is much worse than just "infidelity".

You cannot fix her, do not look for a woman to fix.

 

If you were my counselor and I saw this thread, I would fire you instantly for displaying such poor judgment, rugsweeping, and minimization.

 

You should be seeing a counselor yourself for this.

I am sorry for your pain, and I have no intent to insult.

 

If you love her, or even like her, encourage her to get counseling/treatment, but remove her from your life entirely.

 

I wish you the very best, but I feel very sad that you may pursue her (judging from your very defensive response earlier). If you do, when the inevitable and so very clear tragedy that will follow happens, I hope you learn from it and become stronger and wiser.

 

Be well, house.

[house13um]

I am very sad for you house, this is much worse than just "infidelity".

You cannot fix her, do not look for a woman to fix.

 

If you were my counselor and I saw this thread, I would fire you instantly for displaying such poor judgment, rugsweeping, and minimization.

 

You should be seeing a counselor yourself for this.

I am sorry for your pain, and I have no intent to insult.

 

If you love her, or even like her, encourage her to get counseling/treatment, but remove her from your life entirely.

 

I wish you the very best, but I feel very sad that you may pursue her (judging from your very defensive response earlier). If you do, when the inevitable and so very clear tragedy that will follow happens, I hope you learn from it and become stronger and wiser.

 

Be well, house.

 

I appreciate the well-meaning sentiments. But posts like this are why I’m confused as to the nature of this site versus how it was a few years ago. People were not nearly as quick to pass judgment without information or reading all the details.

 

I’ve already made it clear which side of the fence I was leaning on: that of moving on. I’ve since made the final decision. And it is because I am a counselor that I sought outside support for this, to ask questions and confirm my suspicions. To state, with intent to insult or not, that you would fire me based on the non-applicable points you made, and to ascertain my likely direction strictly on my defensiveness out of context is, as with the previous poster, an uninformed judgement.

 

But to the others who have posted, I thank you. The input definitely helped, and will help moving forward. I think at this point though, the thread can be locked. I don’t know what’s changed over the years, but some of these responses feel far too post-truth culture for me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just hope you make healthier choices for yourself moving forward, OP.

 

Use this as an opportunity to learn something more about you, and what drew you to consider returning to this very troubled woman and destructive situation. Many would run a mile and never look back, after the truth about her came out. I would take the time now to really reflect on why you debated trying to make this work, even knowing what a mess she is and how little she respected you.