I decided to move on...no more limbo

[Hope4thefuture]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. It started off wonderful, but lately it seems like we haven’t had the same connection as before. I feel the communication seems more forced, and when we get together for date nights it is just not the same. I am still happy in our relationship and wanted to work things out. He thought a break would be better. He wants us to think about things, and really figure out if we are compatible. We talked for a couple hours about our relationship, but he ultimately decided he thought a break was for the best. Even though I really don’t want a break I agreed. The only other option is breaking up, which we both said don’t want at this point. I want to work on our differences, communicate more, and grow as a couple.

 

We have been on our break for 3 days now. We agreed we would not date other people and talk in about 2 weeks when I come back from visiting family out of state. It has been very difficult not talking or texting him. He is my best friend and even though we have disconnected a little, I still feel he is the one I want to be with.

 

I have stayed strong so far with NC, but it is so hard. I am trying to keep busy by spending my days with my children, having lunch with friends, exercising, and journaling.

 

These past few days have been tough but also eye opening. I have realized things about myself I want to change. Not for him necessarily but for myself. So I think this break will be good for me, but I still have a hard time with it too.

 

Do breaks ever really work? Or am I kidding myself and I am looking at a break up in my future?

[CantTakeMySmile]

Yes, I do think that breaks can work for some couples. But, i do believe the majority of breaks lead to a break up.

 

I think it depends on the underlying issues of the break. I have had a break from an ex for about six months and we got back together only to eventually break up for good.

 

You just can never tell but since you don’t really have a choice in the matter, try to not focus on what will happen but what is happening right now. Prepare for the worse but hope for the best and most importantly, enjoy your family!!

 

Good with not contacting him!!

[Hope4thefuture]

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate any comments or advice.

 

The first day I stayed in bed most of the day. I read through old cards, old text messages, websites about breaks. I had no motivation. I barely ate. I did go out with my cousin for a few hours but I just felt miserable so I home home.

 

The next day was pretty much the same. Good thing my boys were at their dad’s house for his weekend. But that afternoon I went to see my son play baseball, and I hung out with the baseball moms. I felt slightly better. After that her had a party to go to where I didn’t know many people. I am on the quieter side so I know going into it I had to make an effort. I actually had a good time, and didn’t think about my boyfriend.

 

The third day I met a friend for lunch. She was telling me how far I have come since my divorce. That I am a good person, a strong woman, and I need to value myself more. I thought about that conversation on my drive home. I have low self confidence, I am hard on myself, and I always am looking for ways to improve. So I figured why not take this time during the break to do that. I am just having a difficult time taking that first step. I am reading all about how I want to improve myself, but the actions aren’t there.

 

I keep telling myself just take baby steps. I did laundry today, I took a walk with my kids, I ate some food, I got out of bed. That is a start. But then I had a day like this morning...day 4.

 

I wanted so badly to text him. I wanted to call him. I wanted to tell him all the things I have been thinking these past few days. Instead I texted a family member who told me it was too soon. Give it time and be strong. Instead I came here to write my thoughts down. I am trying to be strong, but I feel weak. I feel like crying. I hope day 5 is better.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Good for you… Keep doing what you’re doing… Since he is the one that one of the break, I think he’s the one that needs to reach out first.

[Hope4thefuture]

I am going to try, but the problem is that we have a vacation planned with his kids and his family the first week of August. I think we need to talk before that for sure. That is why I told him we should talk in about 2 weeks. Not sure if a vacation is the best idea but this has been planned for several months.

[d0nnivain]

I think a little bit of time apart like a weekend, with some contact can be beneficial. But if you want to fix what is wrong in your relationship you must communicate & work together to address what is wrong. Sometimes it's beyond what can be repaired. You are grasping for the beginning back but you have both evolved, grown & changed since then

[MissBee]

Breaks (just like NC) can't threaten what's real in my opinion.

 

A break helps to provide clarity about what you both want, where you're both at and if things are to work breaks usually allow both people to come to that realization and gain clarity and insight.

 

If a break leads to you breaking up, it's safe to say you'd have broken up anyway and it's not because of the break why things ended. I think structured breaks are helpful (where there is a time frame set to come back together, where you discuss what you hope to accomplish in the break, etc.) A friend of mine and his wife did this, they had a couple's therapist who also helped with providing a structure and framework for what the break was supposed to do. They agreed they'd separate for 2 months and individually meet with the couple's therapist every 2 weeks and then meet all together after the allotted time to discuss where they wanted to take the relationship. The therapist also said that if either of them before the 2 months felt sure they no longer wanted to be together, then they should let her know and they'd have the final meeting sooner than the 2 months to discuss separating.

 

 

For them they ended up getting back together but separated again. However, the break did provide clarity for each of them and other couples have done this and it's helped. I think the point though is that if the relationship is actually salvageable a break can help. I don't believe taking a breather to think can ever harm something real. However, if it's not salvageable, whether you take a break or not, it will eventually implode. A break might actually make breaking up less volatile than if you don't and you carry on to the breaking point.

[Adiron]

Why would taking a break change any of the negative relationship dynamics that existed before? Do you think that somehow being away from the person fixes all the problems? It's like walking away from a leaking sink, going back to it a month later and scratching your head and thinking "I left it alone for an entire month why is there still water coming out of the faucet?"

Edited July 17, 2018 by Adiron

[Hope4thefuture]

I am not the one who wanted the break, but what choice did I have. I can’t change his mind. All I can do now is better myself and focus on me. I want to go into our conversation with hopes to improve our relationship and make it stronger than it was before. I am hoping he wants to do that too. I was just wondering if that is even possible.

[Adiron]

The only thing you can really do is pull back further. He just may see you're withdrawing and second guess his decision to end it. If you come running back as soon as he shows any interest, he'll take you for granted and your "perceived value" will be lower.

 

 

If I was you, I'd let him know you've decided the vacation is not a good idea given the circumstances and you've decided not to go and sorry for any inconvenience. Do not leave it up to him to plan the next "meeting". Go dark and if he is persistent about wanting to meet you again, then you can "consider it" after say a month.

[overcome]

Hi Hope,

 

Several things to unpack here.

 

You say that things have not been the same. Communication, date night, etc. Do you feel that the things that are lacking are coming from him, you, or both of you? Really think about this one because if you feel like things are not going well because he has lost interest, that is your first clue as to where this may be headed.

 

Going NC can serve a couple purposes.

 

1) It can make your significant other realize how much he/she misses you and reopen the door of the relationship. What happens from there is up to the couple.

 

2) NC is designed for you to heal from a breakup. Perhaps it doesn't yet apply in this case since you're on a break. I've never been an advocate of "breaks". If there's a problem, that is the time to figure out the issue(s) and work on them. If you're both not capable, you would need to go seek a professional for help.

 

3) NC will give you time apart for both of you to think about the relationship and come back to the table with what you think the problems are and how to fix them. Two weeks seems like a long time but maybe it's just enough time to really figure out what you want.

 

What are you learning about yourself from this break? What do you want to change?

 

Final thought.

 

Be prepared that coming back from this break will not be helpful. There is a chance that nothing will change and he may want out of this relationship. I've always believe that when someone wants to go on a break, it's really just a way for them to let you down easy. A cushion of time between the two of you before the cushion is deflated and the other person calls it quits.

 

It doesn't make things easier but in the mind of the other person, he/she thinks it does.

 

I hope that is not the case for you but it is something you should be considering.

 

Keep us posted.

[d0nnivain]

I am not the one who wanted the break, but what choice did I have. I can’t change his mind. All I can do now is better myself and focus on me. I want to go into our conversation with hopes to improve our relationship and make it stronger than it was before. I am hoping he wants to do that too. I was just wondering if that is even possible.

 

If you don't want a break, tell the other person that. Don't acquiesce. Here you are hoping he'll miss you. He is hoping the break will show him he can live without you. He also now knows he has you; that you are a doormat who will wait patiently & won't stick up for herself.

[PegNosePete]

I am not the one who wanted the break, but what choice did I have.

You had the choice to say:

 

"No, I do not want a break. I want to fix the relationship and the only way to do that is communication. If you would rather walk away then I guess that's your decision but if you do then it will prove to me that you'd rather walk away than fix the issues."

[ExpatInItaly]

Several weeks apart isn't going to somehow fix things, if you're not communicating and working out what exactly needs fixing.

 

What incompatibilities does he feel exist between you? Had you been having any issues leading up to this?

 

That forced connection you'd felt was likely down to him pulling away, and you sensing he wasn't all in.

[guest569]

That's assuming that OP did not make her position clear, which sounds unlikely given that they spoke for 2 hours prior to his decision to take a break. I think OP did the right thing (and only thing). When someone says they want a break, or decide to break up then what can you do?

Edited July 18, 2018 by smiley1

[ElKay]

It sounds like he wants to break up and this is a good way to get you in the mindset for it... Just build yourself up in the meantime so it won't devastate you as much if he does end it afterwards...

[fromheart]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years. It started off wonderful, but lately it seems like we haven’t had the same connection as before. I feel the communication seems more forced, and when we get together for date nights it is just not the same. I am still happy in our relationship and wanted to work things out. <SNIP>

 

 

Did you tell him what you had written here? Had he been going on thinking that everything was fine? Had he been making the effort as he had been in the beginning?

 

If so, there is no option for him back to back off. I personally would end it, as it rarely ever gets solved in my experience.

 

Chances are, it will just go back to the point of you not feeling fulfilled by him in some way, and he will have to back off again.

 

This is harsh advice and I'm sorry for that. But if you have been feeling unfulfilled by him, its probably not going to be solved by a break.

Edited July 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Hope4thefuture]

When I went through my divorce I was so hurt. I thought I was the reason we ended things. It was all my fault. I know that sounds stupid because it takes two people to make the marriage work. But unfortunately I only saw my flaws and wanted to make sure I would do better in my next relationship.

 

So when my boyfriend and I started dating I made sure I would try and be the perfect girlfriend. Again looking back at my thinking it doesn’t make sense. I wasn’t communicating with him about things that frustrated me because I didn’t want to come across as someone who disappointed him. Please understand he was never abusive or making me feel any less. I believe I did that to myself.

 

So what I learned is that going forward in this relationship, if there still is one, is I need to be proud of who I am as a person. I need to be more open with my feelings. I need to realize they just because we fight or get in a disagreement doesn’t mean he will leave me. I need to stand up for myself, and have a voice.

 

I have made an appointment to see a counselor. I hope talking with someone about my self worth will help me regardless of the outcome of the break. I want to be a stronger person for me, but I also hope he and I can become stronger together.

[d0nnivain]

. When someone says they want a break, or decide to break up then what can you do?

 

When someone says they want to break up, you accept it & move on. If this announcement is the first time you are hearing about problems or concerns you can ask Qs, perhaps try to persuade them to stay & fix things but don't beg.

 

When somebody asks for a "break" you ask them what that means. Most times it's some sort of time off from the relationship. That you don't have to accept. You can point out that time off won't fix anything but working together & communicating will. If the other person is talking about a night or a weekend, that is fine. Sometime people feel smothered. I know in a relatively new relationship I'd get overwhelmed in the beginning & need some time just to do stuff like go to the grocery store or do my laundry.

[Hope4thefuture]

When we discussed on break we said no dating others but we never put a time limit on it while talking. I did text him and said why don’t we sit down in 2 weeks when I get back from vacation. He never really responded to that so I took that to assume ok.

 

What if I want to reach out after a week? That would be this Saturday. Is that too soon? I would like to talk to him before I leave but not sure if that is for the best.

 

My thought is if I know what I want can’t we at least check in and talk? See if we need more time or should I push through and wait until I get back?

[BC1980]

When we discussed on break we said no dating others but we never put a time limit on it while talking. I did text him and said why don’t we sit down in 2 weeks when I get back from vacation. He never really responded to that so I took that to assume ok.

 

What if I want to reach out after a week? That would be this Saturday. Is that too soon? I would like to talk to him before I leave but not sure if that is for the best.

 

My thought is if I know what I want can’t we at least check in and talk? See if we need more time or should I push through and wait until I get back?

 

A break without a timeline isn't good. Breaks are usually beneficial to one party and a trial run for a breakup for that party. 9/10 that is what is happening. It's really not fair to you that you are just out here with no idea what's going on. He didn't even respond when you suggested a 2 week meet up. That's not fair to you because you have no idea what's going on. No wonder you are upset.

 

I'd leave it be until you get back from vacation I guess. Then, when you get back, it either needs to be over, or you are back together. You're either in or out in a relationship. Your vacation won't be enjoyable either way. You're either gonna be in limbo or have to confront him beforehand. I don't know which one is better.

[d0nnivain]

When we discussed on break we said no dating others but we never put a time limit on it while talking. I did text him and said why don’t we sit down in 2 weeks when I get back from vacation. He never really responded to that so I took that to assume ok.

 

What if I want to reach out after a week? That would be this Saturday. Is that too soon? I would like to talk to him before I leave but not sure if that is for the best.

 

My thought is if I know what I want can’t we at least check in and talk? See if we need more time or should I push through and wait until I get back?

 

I'd call him & say you wanted to talk before you left for vacation. See how his week has been & where his head is at. If he's still uncommunicative or worse if he breaks up with you, you can regroup on your vacation. If things are good or at least better check in from vacation but don't smother him.

 

When you get back, force the issue. You are part of this relationship & you are entitled to know where you stand.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I would enjoy the vacation and deal with it when you get back.

 

You reached out already. If he wanted to respond, he would have.

[usa1ah]

Just so you know. The no dating others has been said many times by the person wanting the break. It has been broken by that person many times as well. The break was a means of ending the relationship softly so not to hurt the other all at once. But the one that wanted the break had already started another relationship.

 

Hope for what you want but be prepared for what could happen.

[Hope4thefuture]

During this past week I have come to realize I am happier when I am around others. When I am by myself I tend to get sad or lonely. I think it is important to be happy when you spend time alone too, which is very difficult for me.

 

So my question is am keeping myself busy during this break just to avoid being alone? Is that healthy? Or I should spend time alone thinking about what I want?