I decided to move on...no more limbo

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't judge yourself so much, OP. Do what helps you feel good.

[Hope4thefuture]

Funny I saw a therapist this morning and that is exactly what she said. I am very hard on myself. I compare myself to others. I want to work on these things so I can feel better about myself. Baby steps I guess.

 

I will work on what makes me feel good and focus on my needs. I usually put myself last but let’s try something different for a change.

 

By the way we still haven’t talked. I did text and he is out of town right now. He said when he gets back we can sit down and talk.

[guest569]

During this past week I have come to realize I am happier when I am around others. When I am by myself I tend to get sad or lonely. I think it is important to be happy when you spend time alone too, which is very difficult for me.

 

So my question is am keeping myself busy during this break just to avoid being alone? Is that healthy? Or I should spend time alone thinking about what I want?

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. Most of the advice around here is to keep busy and social rather than mope around in isolation, as long as you acknowledge and feel your emotions and process it in your own time. And I think in general most humans need interaction to feel happy, in varying doses. You're talking to a therapist and working through things so I think you're on the right track.

[Hope4thefuture]

I leave for vacation tomorrow so we decided to talk in a week when I get back. I hope this decision helps me to just focus on having a good time with my family. When I get back then my boyfriend and I can talk about our relationship and if we move forward.

 

I still really want to work things out with him, and I hope we do. But I know I also have to work on myself. And not for him but for me.

 

I hope next week I have positive news.

[ExpatInItaly]

I leave for vacation tomorrow so we decided to talk in a week when I get back. I hope this decision helps me to just focus on having a good time with my family. When I get back then my boyfriend and I can talk about our relationship and if we move forward.

 

I still really want to work things out with him, and I hope we do. But I know I also have to work on myself. And not for him but for me.

 

I hope next week I have positive news.

 

What were the problems he feels necessitated a break? I know you said he'd been distant, but were there specific issues that were causing conflict or tension?

[Hope4thefuture]

To be honest the break discussion came out of now for me. A few weeks earlier he said he felt smothered. We don’t see each there that often. Usually 1 time a week and every other weekend since the other weekend we spend with our kids. I gave him some space and he contacted me two days later. We hung out and went on dates. But unfortunately we never talked about it, which was wrong, but things felt different after that. Our communication felt forced and I felt like I didn’t want to rock the boat so I always walked on eggshells around him. I wanted to stay in the relationship, but was afraid to talk to him.

 

I realize now that I let my fear control me. I didn’t want to lose him so I just went along with things. I know that was wrong. That is why I am going to therapy. I want to know my self worth. I don’t want to be afraid to tell him how I feel. He never was abusive or made me feel like I couldn’t say what I felt. That is all on me, and I now know I can’t do that anymore to make this work.

 

As for the conversation about the break he wants to make sure we are compatible. He is more social and I like to go out. I am just more reserved and open up once I get to know someone. He feels we spend money differently. I tend to save more being a single mom and a teacher and he doesn’t as much. He would like us to cook more. The things I mentioned above I feel are able to be worked out if we talk about it and make a plan.

 

The bigger realization that came from taking a break at least for me is that I need know that I am strong, I shouldn’t compare myself to others, and to find happiness in myself and my partner.

 

So if we don’t get back together I can still move forward and be ok. Maybe right now I am still hopeful because we haven’t talked yet. We texted once and said we have been thinking of each other but that is it. So I want to be hopeful that we can work through this and become stronger individuals, which will make us a stronger couple.

[ExpatInItaly]

To be honest the break discussion came out of now for me. A few weeks earlier he said he felt smothered. We don’t see each there that often. Usually 1 time a week and every other weekend since the other weekend we spend with our kids. I gave him some space and he contacted me two days later. We hung out and went on dates. But unfortunately we never talked about it, which was wrong, but things felt different after that. Our communication felt forced and I felt like I didn’t want to rock the boat so I always walked on eggshells around him. I wanted to stay in the relationship, but was afraid to talk to him.

 

As for the conversation about the break he wants to make sure we are compatible. He is more social and I like to go out. I am just more reserved and open up once I get to know someone. He feels we spend money differently. I tend to save more being a single mom and a teacher and he doesn’t as much. He would like us to cook more. The things I mentioned above I feel are able to be worked out if we talk about it and make a plan.

 

I am curious to know how he felt smothered when you saw each other so infrequently anyway. There is already quite a lot of space in the relationship. Did he clarify how much more space he wanted? How often were you communicating?

 

As for the incompatibilities - I am surprised he'd take issue with you saving money, unless he felt he was always paying for things and you weren't contributing or some such thing. And cooking more? Well, that's an easy thing to fix, and a seemingly minor point to cite in needing a break. It seems a little odd for either of these things to be dealbreakers, but perhaps there's more to it.

[Hope4thefuture]

That is why I am so confused. These are the reasons he came up with the night he wanted the break. I tried to talk about it then, but his mind was made about the break.

 

I feel these are fixable things. Unless he just wants his freedom. I don’t know where the smothering comment came from. It was such a shock to me. I was hurt and didn’t understand why he thought that. When we saw each other two days later I told him if he needs more space from each other then he can take it. But then he said what if I don’t want that.

 

Then things felt different with us. So i’m not sure if he just wants to be single, if he is really confused about what he wants. We did mention loving together so maybe that scared him off. Just so many questions that are unanswered. So I am hoping next week we can sort through some of them. Not saying it will all be fixed but I am hoping we can move forward slowly after we hear each other needs and wants.

[BC1980]

That is why I am so confused. These are the reasons he came up with the night he wanted the break. I tried to talk about it then, but his mind was made about the break.

 

I feel these are fixable things. Unless he just wants his freedom. I don’t know where the smothering comment came from. It was such a shock to me. I was hurt and didn’t understand why he thought that. When we saw each other two days later I told him if he needs more space from each other then he can take it. But then he said what if I don’t want that.

 

Then things felt different with us. So i’m not sure if he just wants to be single, if he is really confused about what he wants. We did mention loving together so maybe that scared him off. Just so many questions that are unanswered. So I am hoping next week we can sort through some of them. Not saying it will all be fixed but I am hoping we can move forward slowly after we hear each other needs and wants.

 

 

I would agree that the smothering things seems weird. You only see each other once a week and every other weekend. If he feels smothered by that, I don't know that to say. The cooking thing is silly. The money thing, well money differences can lead to incompatibility, but it's usually the other way around. It's usually that one person spends too much money. It seems like he's reaching for concrete reasons to breakup. I went through this will my last ex when he broke up with me. There was never a concrete reason that made any sense. I can't even remember what the reasons were now, but they didn't make sense. I read a book after that breakup that made the point that unless someone has a really concrete reason like abuse, cheating, addiction, they just don't feel strongly enough about you to continue the relationship. They may really like you a lot or even love you and enjoy your company, but the feelings aren't strong enough to stay. That made a lot of sense to me, and it might be what is happening here.

 

 

 

Your reluctance to discuss his need for space resonated with me because I did something similar during my last relationship. My ex did and said some things that I didn't confront, and it just kicked the problem down the road when it eventually resurfaced and we broke up. And then I was really mad at myself for not speaking up. I did it because, like you, I didn't want to rock the boat. I thought I could ignore it, and it would go away. You really end up learning this stuff by trial and error when you get burned by it.

 

 

 

Truthfully, I think he's easing out of the relationship. Just objectively, that seems to be what he is doing. He said he feels smothered, which is crazy, and the he wants a break. I would go talk to him when he gets back, but you need to be really concrete about what you want. He's either in or out. No breaks. What do you want from this relationship? Three years is long enough to have gotten married. Is that what you ultimately want, or do you not want to get married? What are your long term goals for this relationship?

[Hope4thefuture]

We both don’t want to get married again. He has been married twice and I have once. I have told him that I definitely want to be in a commitment, for example living together.

 

He has always been slower in this relationship. We introduced my kids to him almost a year before I met his. We didn’t rush into anything if you are thinking that. We were dating for almost 2 years before my kids met him.

 

I thought we were on the same page, but he was just always a few steps behind.

 

Maybe he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

I hate to throw it out there, but perhaps he has met someone else?

[Hope4thefuture]

I guess it is a possibility, but he still wants me to go on vacation with his family. He hasn’t told anyone about our break. Just not sure how to read this situation. I guess time will tell. I will keep you posted next week.

[BC1980]

We both don’t want to get married again. He has been married twice and I have once. I have told him that I definitely want to be in a commitment, for example living together.

 

He has always been slower in this relationship. We introduced my kids to him almost a year before I met his. We didn’t rush into anything if you are thinking that. We were dating for almost 2 years before my kids met him.

 

I thought we were on the same page, but he was just always a few steps behind.

 

Maybe he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore.

 

Okay, that's good that you are both on the same page regarding marriage. You said you talked about living together recently right? Maybe he realized he doesn't want to do that, so he's reevaluating the relationship.

[Hope4thefuture]

That is a possibility, but I never pushed the issue. At least I don’t think I did. Maybe just talking about it made him question it and scared him.

[BC1980]

That is a possibility, but I never pushed the issue. At least I don’t think I did. Maybe just talking about it made him question it and scared him.

 

I've found that sometimes stuff like that can be big for the other person, and you never know it.

[Hope4thefuture]

The funny thing is we are not even ready to move in. We talked about maybe in a couple of years or longer. I just don’t get why that would scare him if it is so far away.

[Hope4thefuture]

So we made a plan to meet up for coffee tomorrow night. I don’t know why I am nervous but I am. I am hoping for a change and to move forward together. But I am preparing myself in case that doesn’t happen. Any advice? Thanks.

[ThreeRainbows]

One thing I am noticing is a bit of a pattern. You "both" don't want to get married. Okay. You "both" aren't ready to move in. Maybe in a couple years on top of the 3 years you have already got. Okay..

 

 

Are you absolutely sure you are not just telling yourself you don't want marriage, don't want to move in yet, so that you don't rock the relationship boat?

 

 

Make sure you're not lying to yourself. If you are, your partner will catch on to that. It smells of insecurity. It will push men away and they will feel smothered.

[Hope4thefuture]

Yes eventually I would like to move in, but I don’t want to do that right away. I was thinking in a year. I know we have been together for 3 years, but it has been so slow. I am not ready to move in together. I do like having my own place. I can come home and be on my own. I also like spending time together. Yes I definitely want to live with him one day, but not soon.

 

My concern is he experienced what it is like to be apart for a couple of weeks. Maybe he likes that more than being in a relationship with me. I will try to be ready to hear that if that is what he wants. At this point it is not what I want. These next 24 hours are going to long.

[ThreeRainbows]

Yes eventually I would like to move in, but I don’t want to do that right away. I was thinking in a year. I know we have been together for 3 years, but it has been so slow. I am not ready to move in together. I do like having my own place. I can come home and be on my own. I also like spending time together. Yes I definitely want to live with him one day, but not soon.

 

My concern is he experienced what it is like to be apart for a couple of weeks. Maybe he likes that more than being in a relationship with me. I will try to be ready to hear that if that is what he wants. At this point it is not what I want. These next 24 hours are going to long.

 

 

If that happens, respect him and let him go. You want someone who wants to be with you, and doesn't take you for granted. You have beauty, even if he is blind to it. Keeping working on yourself to be the best you that you can be.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes eventually I would like to move in, but I don’t want to do that right away. I was thinking in a year. I know we have been together for 3 years, but it has been so slow. I am not ready to move in together. I do like having my own place. I can come home and be on my own. I also like spending time together. Yes I definitely want to live with him one day, but not soon.

 

My concern is he experienced what it is like to be apart for a couple of weeks. Maybe he likes that more than being in a relationship with me. I will try to be ready to hear that if that is what he wants. At this point it is not what I want. These next 24 hours are going to long.

 

Unfortunately, if that's the case, then this relationship was already over.

 

I would go into this meet-up willing to listen, but don't overlook your own needs and desires in a relationship, too. If he doesn't appear open to meeting you in the middle, then it is likely time to part ways.

[Hope4thefuture]

So we met tonight. He asked for more time. He still wants to think about things. He told me he wants to see a therapist too and ask him/her about all these questions he has. For example, why does he fail at relationships, what makes him happy? I told him those are better questions to ask himself.

 

I think he just isn’t sure of what he wants. I respect his decision and give him more time. But does more time most likely equal a break up?

[hippychick3]

So we met tonight. He asked for more time. He still wants to think about things. He told me he wants to see a therapist too and ask him/her about all these questions he has. For example, why does he fail at relationships, what makes him happy? I told him those are better questions to ask himself.

 

I think he just isn’t sure of what he wants. I respect his decision and give him more time. But does more time most likely equal a break up?

 

There is no way I would accept this position of being in limbo.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him that I am moving on without him. If my bf is this unsure about me this far into the relationship, then I am not the one for him. And, he certainly is not the one for me. I'd wish him good luck and goodbye. He'd be welcome to reach out when he is ready, but I may no longer be available at that point.

[Hope4thefuture]

Maybe I am kidding myself that we can still work out. We technically haven’t broken up. I know what I want, but he doesn’t know yet. I want to be respectful of his space. But at the same time I agree I can’t be in limbo for long. I am just not ready to let go yet. Am I crazy?

[ExpatInItaly]

If he is that unsure, I would wish him the best on his journey of self-discovery and part ways.

 

He isn't ready for the relationship you were hoping for if it's this hard to commit to it, after this much time together. He's not wrong to want to go to therapy and do some self-reflection, but I would not keep myself on hold while he does so.