ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Thanks. One day I hope I can find love again. That is my biggest fear right now...not finding someone to share my life with. You can. I'll chime in with a personal anecdote. I am 37, but my partner of 3.5 years is 51. He is the most lovely man I have ever had a relationship with, and we intend to spend our lives together. You can find love again, even a little later in life. People of all ages do. He and I didn't meet until he was 47 and had been single for a couple years. We met by chance, too, through friends. My point is that you just never know which doors will open when you close the one that was holding you back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 You can. I'll chime in with a personal anecdote. I am 37, but my partner of 3.5 years is 51. He is the most lovely man I have ever had a relationship with, and we intend to spend our lives together. You can find love again, even a little later in life. People of all ages do. He and I didn't meet until he was 47 and had been single for a couple years. We met by chance, too, through friends. My point is that you just never know which doors will open when you close the one that was holding you back. I really hope so. I want to get to the place you are in someday. He hasn’t reached out. Not that I really expect him to, but a part of me thought he would have responded with at least a goodbye. It makes me feel like I never meant anything to him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I really hope so. I want to get to the place you are in someday. He hasn’t reached out. Not that I really expect him to, but a part of me thought he would have responded with at least a goodbye. It makes me feel like I never meant anything to him. I also would have thought he'd at least acknowledge the message, but perhaps he's still thinking about what to say. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I realize it's been a painful few weeks for you. You did the right thing by setting yourself free, in any event. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 First off,you need to understand that it has nothing to do with you. Nothing. You are who you are, and you deserve someone who wants to be with you for who you are. You cant make yourself into something that you think someone else wants. Relationships are about emotions, and unfortunately that is nothing we can plan on. He isnt emotionally involved with you, as you are with him. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with him. Im sure he likes you, but he wont stay with you. You certainly dont want to stay with someone who has no emotional attachment to you. They will always have one foot in the door, and one day they will meet someone who they will emotionally connect with, and will leave you. And that will hurt far more than what you are doing now, leaving on your own terms. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Thanks. One day I hope I can find love again. That is my biggest fear right now...not finding someone to share my life with. And that is a totally normal way to feel after a breakup. I think the fear of being alone is a very basic fear we all have on some level whether we're in a relationship or not. One thing I've learned about worry and fear is that it's a lot of projection and imagining what might happen. Many times, the fear isn't based on what has actually happened. We're imagining the worst case scenario and wasting our lives away worrying about what might be. We're not enjoying the day that is right in front of us. We think that once we reach a certain goal (find a relationship, get married, get a certain job, have a certain income, buy a house, ect.), we'll have made it, and it will all make sense. We'll finally be content and be living our lives. But life is just not that way. What happens is that people reach these goals and find out it's not the answer. They still have the same old problems as they always did. Going through my breakup years ago taught me that lesson. I thought I had lost everything because I was no longer in a relationship. I thought a relationship with my ex was the pinnacle of my happiness. I thought I would never find a better life outside of him, but that turned out to be a false narrative I believed. I barely even remember much of what happened after the breakup. I've gotten some good natured laughs over reading through my old threads. It's such a foreign experience to me now. My life is completely different now, and it's a great life. You just need to have hope that while you don't feel that way now, you'll get there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CKJD Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 ...and you will get there, Hope! This situation calls for pragmatism, because let me tell you: there is nothing more attractive than a woman who walks and doesn't look back. You'll hear from this guy again when he sees you're doing much better without him, and I suppose then you can either reconsider dating again ON YOUR TERMS or laugh and give him the finger. Either way, you need to take the power back. Go out and turn some heads. All you need for that is a smile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 He texted me back last night. Basically it said this has been really hard for him. He said I am his best friend. However he thinks he is feeling pushed to make a decision. I disagree with that. I told him what my needs are and if he can’t see me in his life then I will need to move on. I didn’t ask for marriage or anything. I don’t think I have pushed him to make any decisions. We have barely talked in the past 4 weeks. I haven’t sent amythinh back. Not sure what I would even say? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 End it, hope. He's not all in. The sooner you end it, the sooner you will heal and be available for someone who will be all in to find you. He will not tell you directly that he wants out, because men don't want to be the bad guy, don't want us to cry and make a scene, they feel bad to hurt us, but it really seems that he wants out. The best way for you to find the truth is to give him space. The more you are trying to hold on, the further away he will go. Tell him you understand, go no contact with him and if he really loves you and wants to be with you, he knows where to find you. But don't allow yourself to stay in this painful back and forth and settle for crumbs. And btw, why do women always say "I didn't ask for marriage"? With a man who is all in you won't have to apologize if you ever think of marriage, he will want it as much as you do. It's not a shameful thing, if you want it. We always try to settle for less so he will stay with us, but it's not right? Hope it works out the best for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 He texted me back last night. Basically it said this has been really hard for him. He said I am his best friend. However he thinks he is feeling pushed to make a decision. I disagree with that. I told him what my needs are and if he can’t see me in his life then I will need to move on. I didn’t ask for marriage or anything. I don’t think I have pushed him to make any decisions. We have barely talked in the past 4 weeks. I haven’t sent amythinh back. Not sure what I would even say? Nothing has changed. You made the right decision. There’s nothing left to say other than “Wish you well. Please let me know when I can pick up my things.” The worst thing you can do is get into a dialogue with him. It would only hurt you more. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 He texted me back last night. Basically it said this has been really hard for him. He said I am his best friend. However he thinks he is feeling pushed to make a decision. I disagree with that. I told him what my needs are and if he can’t see me in his life then I will need to move on. I didn’t ask for marriage or anything. I don’t think I have pushed him to make any decisions. We have barely talked in the past 4 weeks. I haven’t sent amythinh back. Not sure what I would even say? Oh, what a load of equine manure. This relationship already had plenty of space, and you've been patient for a month now while he's deciding if he wants you as a his girlfriend. You haven't pushed; that's just him deflecting because it's not all on his terms anymore. There is nothing more to say to him at this point. The right man for you doesn't waffle around this much, and doesn't pout and kick rocks when you have the reasonable expectation of a definitive end to the relationship. He knows he wasn't coming back. He just wasn't quite sure how and when to finally inform you of that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 If he feels pushed to make a decision, he doesn't want to be with you. He just doesn't want to come out and say that. He wants to keep you at arm's length. He's not going to suddenly change his mind. I don't know why people do this. It's beyond frustrating and unfair. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CKJD Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 That he sees it all as his decision - as if your time and energy are not a factor in this relationship - is particularly gear grinding. My hope here is that he sees you happy with someone else before he can land his replacement for you. After all, it seems like he wants you there as back up until he's ready to ditch. Good on you for taking the power back, hope. If over the next few weeks or months you start to feel lonely, remember that you're strong and good things are coming. Try and be excited for this next stage in your life and enjoy the freedom! Good work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 22, 2018 Author Share Posted August 22, 2018 The worst part for me is I was doing ok with NC. I was definitely sad and teary many times, but it passed and I would go on with my day. Now his text brought back all the hurt, all the questions, all the doubt in myself. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have texted him about moving on? Those are my thoughts again. I know in a few days I will be ok again, but today I felt like I had to start over. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 The worst part for me is I was doing ok with NC. I was definitely sad and teary many times, but it passed and I would go on with my day. Now his text brought back all the hurt, all the questions, all the doubt in myself. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have texted him about moving on? Those are my thoughts again. I know in a few days I will be ok again, but today I felt like I had to start over. I think you were right to text him. You needed some answers. You waited for him to give you answers for a month, which was long enough. Yes, you do have to start over with NC, but he would have reached out to you eventually if you hadn't put a proper end to this. So you would have heard from him again in some way. Better that you controlled the situation and moved it along quicker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 The worst part for me is I was doing ok with NC. I was definitely sad and teary many times, but it passed and I would go on with my day. Now his text brought back all the hurt, all the questions, all the doubt in myself. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have texted him about moving on? Those are my thoughts again. I know in a few days I will be ok again, but today I felt like I had to start over. Well, at least you know this is a only a stumbling block. Good for you for not replying to his text, that would have merely made it worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 The worst part for me is I was doing ok with NC. I was definitely sad and teary many times, but it passed and I would go on with my day. Now his text brought back all the hurt, all the questions, all the doubt in myself. Am I doing the right thing? Should I have texted him about moving on? Those are my thoughts again. I know in a few days I will be ok again, but today I felt like I had to start over. This is why NC is best. As you can see trying to communicate will not give you what you want and only sets you back from moving forward with the inevitable. It has been a month since you said you were moving on and as you can see trying to communicate with him now has set you back 30 days. What you can do now to move forward is block him and keep it that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 26, 2018 Author Share Posted August 26, 2018 I finally decided I deserve better. It took a couple of months to get here. I am not over him yet by any means, but I know now I deserve to be happy! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 Did you finally block him? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 No more discussion. Go no contact and block and delete him asap. Do not ever let anyone put you on a shelf. You don't let them decide what is going to happen with YOUR life. He's not communicating, he's not interesting in fixing it, he's already done anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 26, 2018 Author Share Posted August 26, 2018 I have done NC. I haven’t blocked him yet. I honestly don’t think he has told his family yet because they are still texting me about everyday things...like my job and the dinner/drinks they were having, etc Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 26, 2018 Share Posted August 26, 2018 I have done NC. I haven’t blocked him yet. I honestly don’t think he has told his family yet because they are still texting me about everyday things...like my job and the dinner/drinks they were having, etc Block him and the next text you get a from his family, you tell them that the relationship has ended and that you wish them all well. Period. You can call them if you want, but tell them. Take control of the situation. You're entitled to that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 27, 2018 Author Share Posted August 27, 2018 If I did the right thing by letting him go why does it hurt so much? When will I start to feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 If I did the right thing by letting him go why does it hurt so much? When will I start to feel better? Because you didn't want it to end, but he ultimately did nothing to suggest he wanted to keep going. You will start to feel better in a little while; I imagine it will take at least a couple months to feel more settled about it. There will good days and bad days, as with any breakup. You just have to trust the process, in that the crappy feelings will eventually fade and you will start to feel happier with all of this behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 I think you may be moving in a more forward direction if you didn't have his family texting you. I didn't tell my mother that I was out of a relationship for almost a year. You can't let his family deter your forward motion. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 (edited) Maybe I am kidding myself that we can still work out. We technically haven’t broken up. I know what I want, but he doesn’t know yet. I want to be respectful of his space. But at the same time I agree I can’t be in limbo for long. I am just not ready to let go yet. Am I crazy? I want to be respectful of his space. -- He's not being respectful of YOUR space and that's what you should be doing. You are stringing yourself along. You've already been in limbo too long. And, the guy is saying he wants to get into therapy. If he needs therapy, whatever benefit he's hoping to gain from that isn't going to manifest itself soon. He's not going to change overnight, if at all. If I did the right thing by letting him go why does it hurt so much? When will I start to feel better? -- Break ups hurt no matter which side of it you are on. One reason this seems to hurt so much is that you have been giving him all the power. Letting him retreat to his cave to decide without communicating with you about what will happen. The guy doesn't know what he wants after all this time means you need to "man up" and do what needs to be done because he can't. Take some power back. End this right now and stop letting him decide unilaterally what is going to happen in YOUR life. Edited August 27, 2018 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
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