Whodatdog Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 If I did the right thing by letting him go why does it hurt so much? When will I start to feel better? You will begin to feel better when you block him. No more contact from him. You havent blocked him because you are hoping he will contact you. As long as you keep that line open, you wont feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 27, 2018 Share Posted August 27, 2018 If I did the right thing by letting him go why does it hurt so much? When will I start to feel better? It hurts because it's a loss and because he didn't stop you from leaving. He let you go and was okay with it. Anyone would be hurt by that. The problem is that you won't stop hurting by going back to him because he is the source of your pain. Being in limbo with him while he comes and goes as he pleases will also hurt. By leaving him, you give yourself a chance to move on from the hurt. Staying where you were is a path to endless hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 We officially broke up tonight. One of the worst days of my life. My heart is breaking and I can’t stop crying. Part of me knows it is for the best because now I can try to move on. Part of me is so upset that it is over. We were happy together for a long time. I just want to be happy again. Hopefully one day I will. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 We officially broke up tonight. One of the worst days of my life. My heart is breaking and I can’t stop crying. Part of me knows it is for the best because now I can try to move on. Part of me is so upset that it is over. We were happy together for a long time. I just want to be happy again. Hopefully one day I will. I'm sending you a big hug, girl. I know it's so hard, even when it's the right thing to do. You will be happy again one day. And I think when that time comes, you will see that a relationship has the potential for much more than this one appears to have offered you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 The worst part is I asked him “what was it that made him feel this way?” His responses were hard to hear but I wanted to know. He said I was too quiet, too kind and should have treated his home like my own, not confident enough during the relationship, and too structured. Well at least I know my faults and what I need to improve on. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 The worst part is I asked him “what was it that made him feel this way?” His responses were hard to hear but I wanted to know. He said I was too quiet, too kind and should have treated his home like my own, not confident enough during the relationship, and too structured. Well at least I know my faults and what I need to improve on. That is his opinion though. If you agree with certain things that's fine but don't take everything he says as your faults. I don't think that quietness, kindness and structure are bad things. Other men that might like these traits. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 The worst part is I asked him “what was it that made him feel this way?” His responses were hard to hear but I wanted to know. He said I was too quiet, too kind and should have treated his home like my own, not confident enough during the relationship, and too structured. Well at least I know my faults and what I need to improve on. Hope, these are not faults. These are character traits that he did not appreciate in you. There are many men out there who would see these as attributes. Please don't let this wishy washy guy affect your self-worth. He is not the be all end all and does not represent every guy out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 If I did the right thing by letting him go why does it hurt so much? When will I start to feel better? When you block him and move on. There is no reason to communicate with his family. Close the door already. By not blocking you are holding out hope that he will contact you. Say what you mean and do what you say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 The worst part is I asked him “what was it that made him feel this way?” His responses were hard to hear but I wanted to know. He said I was too quiet, too kind and should have treated his home like my own, not confident enough during the relationship, and too structured. Well at least I know my faults and what I need to improve on. I don't know how much stock I would put in those reasons. I mean, who breaks up with someone because he/she doesn't treat the person's home like their own? Who cares if you are too stuctured? That's just his opinion. People often give these weird or vague reasons that don't mean much in the long run. It's not necessarily a fault but a compatibility issue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 I think it was a compatibility issue for him, but I wish it didn’t take him almost 4 years to figure that out. Right now I feel like I wasted a lot of time with him if he knew much earlier we weren’t going to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 I think it was a compatibility issue for him, but I wish it didn’t take him almost 4 years to figure that out. Right now I feel like I wasted a lot of time with him if he knew much earlier we weren’t going to work out. It’s his opinion and don’t let it keep you down. You don’t need to “work” on anything. I’m sorry you asked him that . And very sorry you’re hurting. You asked how long it’ll last, the hurt. The worst of it I estimate 6 months. Many hugs ! Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Hope, I think the bottom line here really is that there isn't anything wrong with you and nothing really wrong with him. You two just weren't right for each other. Don't beat yourself up for being who you are. I'm seeing a strong, secure, independent woman with lots to be thankful for and those children are your priority. Your children need a mother who is confident and who loves and takes care of herself so that she can be the best mother to them as possible not a mom who is distracted and beating herself up. Keep moving forward and don't look back. Give yourself some time to grieve here and there and then just make yourself get back to and focus on your priorities -- You and your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 29, 2018 Author Share Posted August 29, 2018 The hardest part is tonight my boys go to their dad’s house so my house is empty...no noise just loneliness. My friends who lived close to me moved to Florida. My other group of friends all have families with younger children. So it is so lonely here. I feel I have lost everything all at once. I know I am wallowing and I should be strong. It is really really difficult today to feel good about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted August 29, 2018 Share Posted August 29, 2018 Bummer, why not go to the movie theater? The happytime murders is pretty funny if its showing in your area. Or workout and put on some music? Take the action to be well this evening, take the action and let the feelings follow. If you cannot bring yourself to do this, it is ok to mourn as well, but do not be consumed by it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 Im really sorry you asked him what it was that he didnt like about you, because you consider them as faults. They are virtues! Be proud you are the kind of person you are. He didnt appreciate you for that, thats his problem not yours. I know you are hurting and will be for a while, but dont change yourself for anyone. If someone doesnt love you for the good person you are, you dont need them. Its their loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 30, 2018 Author Share Posted August 30, 2018 I know it in my head it was for the best. I just wish my heart would catch up. Looking back at our years together there are some red flags I should have noticed but when you are in that moment you ignore them or hope they will change. I always had to push to spend time together. He was happy with seeing me once a week. I wanted more. Eventually he wanted to spend more time together but it was always me who had to ask for it. Big sign I overlooked! Also he drinks a lot more than me. That is not a bad thing, but he spends a lot of his free time at the bar. That is now who he hangs out with most of the time...his bar drinking buddies. Again I feel like I am being judgmental of his choices, which I don’t want to be. However I like to do other things too. I know he loves to drink, and I just like it sometimes. So I guess that is another flag I hoped would change when we started hanging out. But it only continued and sometimes got to be excessive. So I am trying to remind myself that I am better off. But like I said I wish my heart would catch up! Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 I know it in my head it was for the best. I just wish my heart would catch up. Looking back at our years together there are some red flags I should have noticed but when you are in that moment you ignore them or hope they will change. I always had to push to spend time together. He was happy with seeing me once a week. I wanted more. Eventually he wanted to spend more time together but it was always me who had to ask for it. Big sign I overlooked! Also he drinks a lot more than me. That is not a bad thing, but he spends a lot of his free time at the bar. That is now who he hangs out with most of the time...his bar drinking buddies. Again I feel like I am being judgmental of his choices, which I don’t want to be. However I like to do other things too. I know he loves to drink, and I just like it sometimes. So I guess that is another flag I hoped would change when we started hanging out. But it only continued and sometimes got to be excessive. So I am trying to remind myself that I am better off. But like I said I wish my heart would catch up! It sounds like the relationship just never progressed past a certain point if you were usually the one initiating and only saw him once a week. Just based off that information, it seems like he might not have been as committed as you. As far as the drinking, it's a compatibility issue. You're not judging him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 30, 2018 Share Posted August 30, 2018 It sounds like the relationship just never progressed past a certain point if you were usually the one initiating and only saw him once a week. Just based off that information, it seems like he might not have been as committed as you. As far as the drinking, it's a compatibility issue. You're not judging him. I completely agree with everything above. It seems this relationship was always one conducted at a bit of an emotional distance, which becomes very tiring and demotivating when you want more. Also, on the subject of drinking and hanging out in the bar - I myself rarely drink alcohol anymore. I left the bar scene behind in my 20s, really. (37 now) Sure, I occasionally enjoy a glass of wine or beer with dinner, or a night out, but it happens maybe once every 6 months. It just doesn't interest me much anymore. I don't care if others do it, but I know the right man for me personally isn't a guy who drinks a lot or spends much time at a bar. It's a matter of preference and compatibility, as BC points out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 30, 2018 Author Share Posted August 30, 2018 You are right it is a matter of compatibility. He didn’t want to commit to our relationship like I wanted to. The drinking did bother me. He would go to the bar 3-4 times a week. He wouldn’t always drive home safely, which kept me up at night. I definitely drank a lot more these last few years because that is what he liked to do. So when we hung out we went to the bar many times. I think I tried to change for him so he would accept me. I am trying to learn that I shouldn’t change for anyone but myself. Someone should love me for who I am. That is very hard for me because I tend to try to be who I think they want me to be instead of myself. I can’t do that anymore! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted September 1, 2018 Author Share Posted September 1, 2018 I am at my son’s high school football game to watch him in the marching band. We sat down on the bleachers and my youngest son hear his travel coach’s voice announcing the game. I texted his coach to ask if it was him. He replied “it depends on if I like it or not.” Then he said he is going out with the other travel coaches after the game and invited me to go. I know it just a friendly invite but it will be good to get out of the house. I am afraid all I am going to do is think of my ex. However I just want to go and try to have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 Did you end up going? I think it's good to get out of the house even if you are feeling miserable. You have to kind of fake it until you make it. It might be hard to have fun for awhile, but try to take the good where you can get it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 Yes I did end up going out for a drink. I did have a good time and it did take my mind off my ex. However his coach texted me again to meet up with our boys this time. They are on the same baseball team so again it could be a friendly invite. I don’t mind hanging out together as friends. My concern is what if he is asking because he is interested in me. He is divorced and I believe he is single. The other night he was asking me a lot of questions about myself. He has texted me a few times which he has never done before. He seems nice but I am not ready to jump into anything. Maybe I am completely wrong and he just wants to be friends. That is my hope right now. I don’t want to say something and look stupid if that is all he wants. So I guess I will wait and see if it goes in that direction, and then I will have to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 He is dating you, whether you see it or not. Guys usually dont ask girls out just for friends. So if thats all you are interested in, you probably need to tell him that you will go out with him, but you have no interest in him other than as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted September 3, 2018 Share Posted September 3, 2018 It does sound like he is trying to gauge your interest. I'd probably just wait it out and deal with anything when it happens. You could drop a hint along the way that you are just getting out of a relationship and not ready for anything. You could just say it in passing and not directly to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted September 3, 2018 Author Share Posted September 3, 2018 Yes I will let him know somehow that I just got out of a relationship. His son and mine are on the same baseball team. They don’t normally hang out outside of baseball. Part of me thinks he is just being friendly so the kids can start to hang out and become friends. So I figure I will just wait and see. I must admit when I get a text from him it makes me smile. Not because I want to date anyone, but it makes me realize when I am ready to date there are other guys out there. Maybe I won’t be alone forever. Link to post Share on other sites
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