I decided to move on...no more limbo

[Hope4thefuture]

I ended up in the ER today due to pain in my right side. My son’s coach texted me and I told him about my day in the ER. So he brought flowers to my house to cheer me up. Super sweet but now I think I need to make sure he knows about my situation.

[BC1980]

I ended up in the ER today due to pain in my right side. My son’s coach texted me and I told him about my day in the ER. So he brought flowers to my house to cheer me up. Super sweet but now I think I need to make sure he knows about my situation.

 

Yeah, that is definitely more than friendly.

[Hope4thefuture]

The guy asked me out on a date. I said yes and we went out last night. I was honest with him, and told him I recently got out of a relationship. I was nervous but I ended up having a nice time. We talked for hours and hugged goodbye at the end of the night. I’m not sure if I am doing the right thing but I had fun.

[BC1980]

I have no idea either. You were upfront with him about your situation, so he knows you could start to feel like you aren't ready. In these situations, you have to let it play out to see how you will feel.

[ThreeRainbows]

How are you feeling about this new person?

 

 

 

One thing I would say to you, and I am know I am going against the current here, but are you interested in getting back with your ex?

 

 

It is not an impossible feat. That being said, if you want to do it, I would spend the next few months working on yourself (inside and out, but primarily inside), and staying "low contact" (not no contact, just short, polite, and to-the-point responses to contact mostly initiated by him - this is not to play "games," this is to give him the space he needs right now). When exes break up with us, it may seem cruel and we don't understand, but in reality, we may have communication or emotional issues that hurt them and cause them to distance and need space (that doesn't mean they don't have problems either, or that they handled things in the best manner). They key to repairing the old relationship (if that's what you want) is through building trust and emotional connection, and by also building a secure, strong sense of self for yourself (boundaries are part of this), with a mindset of love and abundance. You have to understand your former partner.

 

 

 

If you aren't interested in that, good for you! You totally deserve whatever you want.

 

 

The reason I suggest this alternative is because I am in the process of reconciling with my ex, never thought it would happen, but amazing things do come true every now and then. It sounds like your ex wasn't a bad guy, and you seemed in quite a lot of pain. I just want to let you know it is possible, and there is no loss of self-respect to get back with an ex necessarily (assuming he wasn't abusive) - that's our ego talking. That doesn't mean you should just jump back in with full trust, either. They will need to earn back your trust, but not because they deserve to have to earn it - no, that's more ego - it's because they hurt you, and you don't want to let yourself get hurt again by going too fast too soon. Watch their respect for you grow...

Edited September 11, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[Hope4thefuture]

My ex doesn’t want to get back together. He made that clear when I told him

I wanted to work on things. In the past few weeks I have been thinking what if he wanted to come back and try. Would I want to now? I have been thinking about how he treated me when we were dating. He rarely initiated anything, he didn’t want people to know about us (even after a year of dating), he didn’t seem to want a commitment, he drank a lot from my point of view, and I never felt like a priority. I think I have come to realize we are not right for each other. He loves to party, and get drunk many nights out of the week. That is not what I am looking for. He isn’t going to change his ways for me and I shouldn’t expect him to. But I don’t want to be with someone who is a huge partier. I did that in my college days and I had fun. But I am past that now and that is still his lifestyle.

 

This new guy is completely different. He has called me. He has invited me out for bikes rides, ice cream, etc. I am enjoying my time with him. Do I know if this is going to go anywhere? I am honestly not sure. However for the first time I am trying to look out for my needs in a relationship. It is nice to know that someone actually wants to call me instead of the other way around. It feels good to know that we can do things that don’t involve drinking.

 

I am trying not to compare because that is unfair to both of them. Each has good qualities. But I am looking out for myself now. What do I want from a relationship? All I know is that I am feeling better right now than I felt the past several months with my ex. So all I am going to do is take it one day at a time.

[drdre]

How are you feeling about this new person?

 

 

 

One thing I would say to you, and I am know I am going against the current here, but are you interested in getting back with your ex?

 

 

It is not an impossible feat. That being said, if you want to do it, I would spend the next few months working on yourself (inside and out, but primarily inside), and staying "low contact" (not no contact, just short, polite, and to-the-point responses to contact mostly initiated by him - this is not to play "games," this is to give him the space he needs right now). When exes break up with us, it may seem cruel and we don't understand, but in reality, we may have communication or emotional issues that hurt them and cause them to distance and need space (that doesn't mean they don't have problems either, or that they handled things in the best manner). They key to repairing the old relationship (if that's what you want) is through building trust and emotional connection, and by also building a secure, strong sense of self for yourself (boundaries are part of this), with a mindset of love and abundance. You have to understand your former partner.

 

 

 

If you aren't interested in that, good for you! You totally deserve whatever you want.

 

 

The reason I suggest this alternative is because I am in the process of reconciling with my ex, never thought it would happen, but amazing things do come true every now and then. It sounds like your ex wasn't a bad guy, and you seemed in quite a lot of pain. I just want to let you know it is possible, and there is no loss of self-respect to get back with an ex necessarily (assuming he wasn't abusive) - that's our ego talking. That doesn't mean you should just jump back in with full trust, either. They will need to earn back your trust, but not because they deserve to have to earn it - no, that's more ego - it's because they hurt you, and you don't want to let yourself get hurt again by going too fast too soon. Watch their respect for you grow...

 

How long was the relationship and how long was the break before you attempted reconciliation? Were both parties interested in reconciling at first or was it one sided originally? I think those are important questions. I dont think people change change overnight, I tried changing after a few weeks separation on my last relationship. Even though when we first got back together I really believed I could and had made my mind I'd try as hard as I could, ultimately, after a few months, I fell back into having the same issues/fears I had vowed to let go/overcome. Im not saying people cant change at all, but I do think it has to be over a long period of time.

 

In this case, hope4thefuture has been trying to get him to change for a long time and he hasnt. I dont know he can even if he wanted to. The advice I heard and believe is valid here is, you gotta give it time.

 

Ill end with a quote I heard recently that Im trying to apply for myself:

 

"Time destroys everything it didn't help build"

 

(Meaning, if it came quickly, it will be gone quickly. If it was built over time, it will last).

[ThreeRainbows]

How long was the relationship and how long was the break before you attempted reconciliation? Were both parties interested in reconciling at first or was it one sided originally? I think those are important questions. I dont think people change change overnight, I tried changing after a few weeks separation on my last relationship. Even though when we first got back together I really believed I could and had made my mind I'd try as hard as I could, ultimately, after a few months, I fell back into having the same issues/fears I had vowed to let go/overcome. Im not saying people cant change at all, but I do think it has to be over a long period of time.

 

In this case, hope4thefuture has been trying to get him to change for a long time and he hasnt. I dont know he can even if he wanted to. The advice I heard and believe is valid here is, you gotta give it time.

 

Ill end with a quote I heard recently that Im trying to apply for myself:

 

"Time destroys everything it didn't help build"

 

(Meaning, if it came quickly, it will be gone quickly. If it was built over time, it will last).

 

 

 

 

Our relationship was 5 months, knew each other as friends before that for several more months. We were apart for 3 months, in that time I read five books on relationships and communication Apparently he was also studying relationships while we were apart, via YouTube channels. I also dated many other guys (nothing serious), and seriously faced down my fear of rejection. I became less insecure. Much more relaxed, as I realized that I could easily find a new partner if I wanted to! Also did all the self-esteem boosting things (started running again, lost weight, new haircut, etc. etc.).

 

 

 

We were both interested in reconciling, but I didn't KNOW he was.. I just figured he was sending breadcrumbs. However, he told me that he was pretty heartbroken during this time, and didn't know how to tell me. He DID, however, have trust issues about our compatibility (and we are still building each others' trust back). I was a touch controlling, and a little insecure at times. Pressured him to commit, etc. He wasn't an angel, either. He has a tendency to bail when things get remotely difficult.

 

 

 

The biggest reason I believe we got back together is that we share the same faith (spirituality). We are both teachers dedicated to living lives with a higher purpose of compassion and love. Not easily replaceable.

[ThreeRainbows]

My ex doesn’t want to get back together. He made that clear when I told him

I wanted to work on things. In the past few weeks I have been thinking what if he wanted to come back and try. Would I want to now? I have been thinking about how he treated me when we were dating. He rarely initiated anything, he didn’t want people to know about us (even after a year of dating), he didn’t seem to want a commitment, he drank a lot from my point of view, and I never felt like a priority. I think I have come to realize we are not right for each other. He loves to party, and get drunk many nights out of the week. That is not what I am looking for. He isn’t going to change his ways for me and I shouldn’t expect him to. But I don’t want to be with someone who is a huge partier. I did that in my college days and I had fun. But I am past that now and that is still his lifestyle.

 

This new guy is completely different. He has called me. He has invited me out for bikes rides, ice cream, etc. I am enjoying my time with him. Do I know if this is going to go anywhere? I am honestly not sure. However for the first time I am trying to look out for my needs in a relationship. It is nice to know that someone actually wants to call me instead of the other way around. It feels good to know that we can do things that don’t involve drinking.

 

I am trying not to compare because that is unfair to both of them. Each has good qualities. But I am looking out for myself now. What do I want from a relationship? All I know is that I am feeling better right now than I felt the past several months with my ex. So all I am going to do is take it one day at a time.

 

 

Good for you. Sounds like you've found your peace.

[Hope4thefuture]

I think I am feeling better. I still go to counseling which seems to be helping. I know I still need to work on myself so I don’t make the same mistakes in any future relationships. I still have some days where I reflect back on my ex and our relationship. The next step is eventually blocking him from social media. I sometimes see his post and it makes me wonder if he is happier without me. Then I think back to how things ended and I know my answer...he is. But I am moving on, enjoying my kids, time with my friends, time with this new guy. I think one day I will be at peace.

[BC1980]

I think I am feeling better. I still go to counseling which seems to be helping. I know I still need to work on myself so I don’t make the same mistakes in any future relationships. I still have some days where I reflect back on my ex and our relationship. The next step is eventually blocking him from social media. I sometimes see his post and it makes me wonder if he is happier without me. Then I think back to how things ended and I know my answer...he is. But I am moving on, enjoying my kids, time with my friends, time with this new guy. I think one day I will be at peace.

 

You sound really levelheaded about all this, which is good. You seem like you have a lot of perspective. Blocking on social media is a must IMO. It's virtually impossible to move on with that window into someone's life.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Do you think you would be feeling as good if you weren’t seeing a new man?

[Hope4thefuture]

That is a great question! I think about that myself. I wonder if I feel better because of this new guy. To be honest I am sure that is partly true. I seem

to smile more and I am feeling better.

 

When I went to see my therapist I talked about this very thing. I told her I don’t want to be feel better just because of a guy. So we are working on exercises to help me become more aware of how I feel about myself. The difference is with this new guy I have been honest with him about my previous relationship, my thoughts, and my feelings. We are going slow, haven’t even kissed yet. I am trying hard to communicate with him better.

 

I think with my ex it was my first relationship after my divorce. My ex-husband was my first BF, first everything. So then I met my ex I wanted to make sure I pleased him and made him happy so I did that regardless of my feelings, wants, and needs. I wanted to feel loved again, even if that meant ignoring red flags. He made me happy so I wanted to be with him. But I never really told him how I honestly felt. I was scared he would leave if he knew I may want to get married again or move in with each other. So I went on pretending I would be ok just seeing him a couple of times a week. That would be enough for me.

 

But what I realized going to see my therapist is that it is ok to want more or different things. It is going to be fine to be alone. It is good to listen to what I want and need. So I am working on that still. It is a process and I know it will take time.

 

So maybe this guy made me feel better quicker than if I was by myself. However i going to keep working on myself, feeling more confident, and we shall see what the future holds.

[BC1980]

It's absolutely okay to want more than what he gave you. I know where you are coming from when you settled. Being alone can be scary and lonely. It slings like you are very self-aware throughout all of this.

[Hope4thefuture]

Tonight was a difficult night. My ex brought all my stuff over he had at his house. Seeing him brought back some memories. We talked for about 20 minutes just catching up, small talk. To be honest it was nice to see him. I do still miss him. And that makes me feel guilty going out with this new guy. We have a date tomorrow night. I really want to see him and find out what this could be. But am I kidding myself? Is this relationship even possible? I know my ex and I aren’t getting back together, but like tonight I miss him. I don’t want to stop seeing this guy because I like being around him. I am just feeling mixed up tonight.

[BC1980]

Tonight was a difficult night. My ex brought all my stuff over he had at his house. Seeing him brought back some memories. We talked for about 20 minutes just catching up, small talk. To be honest it was nice to see him. I do still miss him. And that makes me feel guilty going out with this new guy. We have a date tomorrow night. I really want to see him and find out what this could be. But am I kidding myself? Is this relationship even possible? I know my ex and I aren’t getting back together, but like tonight I miss him. I don’t want to stop seeing this guy because I like being around him. I am just feeling mixed up tonight.

 

One thing I've learned is that out of sight, out of mind is accurate. Seeing your ex will bring up feelings of some kind. I don't know if you're ready to date, and you have to try to find out. You might have some kind of delayed grief on the backend but maybe not. There's no manual of rules that tell you how long you have to wait before you are ready to date. It's different for everyone.

[Hope4thefuture]

I have been dating the new guy for almost 6 weeks now. Everything is going well. He is completely different from my ex. He wants to spend time together, he listens when I talk without being on his phone, and we actually do other things besides drink at a bar.

 

My ex texted me today to tell me he saw me at the train station. I was with the new guy. He didn’t mention that part, but I know he saw us together. He said I blocked him on FB and if I am going to do that I should get unfriend him instead. To be honest I haven’t done either. Then he said I am sorry this is how I feel.

 

Why is he texting me now? I don’t need this. I am finally getting on without him. I am dating someone new, and he has to contact me now!

[hippychick3]

I have been dating the new guy for almost 6 weeks now. Everything is going well. He is completely different from my ex. He wants to spend time together, he listens when I talk without being on his phone, and we actually do other things besides drink at a bar.

 

My ex texted me today to tell me he saw me at the train station. I was with the new guy. He didn’t mention that part, but I know he saw us together. He said I blocked him on FB and if I am going to do that I should get unfriend him instead. To be honest I haven’t done either. Then he said I am sorry this is how I feel.

 

Why is he texting me now? I don’t need this. I am finally getting on without him. I am dating someone new, and he has to contact me now!

 

He was jealous. Even though he doesn’t want you, his ego doesn’t want you to be happy with anyone else. He was a selfish a** to even contact you like that.

 

Btw, he can just unfriend you. So stupid to even say what he did.

 

His text just reinforces why you’re better off without him. Focus on the new guy and block your ex. He doesn’t deserve any more space in your heart or head.

[Hope4thefuture]

The worst part is I was feeling better, and now I feel bad because he has been on my mind today. I know I am better off without him. It took me awhile to figure out I deserve someone who wants to be with me. But my mind is thinking about the past. My ex didn’t treat me the right way. I know it goes both ways, so I am at fault too. I just wish he wouldn’t have texted me because it brought back memories.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Do you not feel comfortable blocking him?

[ThreeRainbows]

The worst part is I was feeling better, and now I feel bad because he has been on my mind today. I know I am better off without him. It took me awhile to figure out I deserve someone who wants to be with me. But my mind is thinking about the past. My ex didn’t treat me the right way. I know it goes both ways, so I am at fault too. I just wish he wouldn’t have texted me because it brought back memories.

 

 

Have you tried reaching out and testing the waters? "Hey, I saw [some mutual interest] today... Reminded me of you. Hope you're well."

 

 

You never know.

 

 

People can grow and change (my ex did). And he may be open to reconciliation. I say this because you're clearly still not over him/still attached... so grow with him. What do you have to lose by texting and feeling him out?

Edited October 9, 2018 by ThreeRainbows

[Hope4thefuture]

Part of me doesn’t want to block him. I don’t know why. I don’t text him. He has texted me twice. Once about sports and yesterday to tell me he saw me at the train station. He doesn’t seem to want to get back together.

 

I am dating someone. Yes it has only been 5 and a half weeks, but I am enjoying myself. I like spending time with him.

 

I am afraid of hurting him though. What if my feelings are clouded? I know this new guy is so sweet, treats me right, and cares about me. I know my ex hasn’t changed. He still drinks 5 out of 7 days of the week. I wouldn’t be a priority. But I sometimes think about him. I don’t want to. I don’t contact him. I wish I could just concentrate on this new guy, but my heart is having a hard time.

[hippychick3]

Part of me doesn’t want to block him. I don’t know why. I don’t text him. He has texted me twice. Once about sports and yesterday to tell me he saw me at the train station. He doesn’t seem to want to get back together.

 

I am dating someone. Yes it has only been 5 and a half weeks, but I am enjoying myself. I like spending time with him.

 

I am afraid of hurting him though. What if my feelings are clouded? I know this new guy is so sweet, treats me right, and cares about me. I know my ex hasn’t changed. He still drinks 5 out of 7 days of the week. I wouldn’t be a priority. But I sometimes think about him. I don’t want to. I don’t contact him. I wish I could just concentrate on this new guy, but my heart is having a hard time.

 

Blocking him is the best thing you can do to rid yourself of the toxicity of your ex. He still has a hold on you, and every time he texts you he sets you back. You need to tell yourself that you deserve happiness and to be treated well. Once you fully grasp that, he will not have such a hold on you. Block him and start your life over with a clean slate with the new guy.

[ThreeRainbows]

Part of me doesn’t want to block him. I don’t know why. I don’t text him. He has texted me twice. Once about sports and yesterday to tell me he saw me at the train station. He doesn’t seem to want to get back together.

 

I am dating someone. Yes it has only been 5 and a half weeks, but I am enjoying myself. I like spending time with him.

 

I am afraid of hurting him though. What if my feelings are clouded? I know this new guy is so sweet, treats me right, and cares about me. I know my ex hasn’t changed. He still drinks 5 out of 7 days of the week. I wouldn’t be a priority. But I sometimes think about him. I don’t want to. I don’t contact him. I wish I could just concentrate on this new guy, but my heart is having a hard time.

 

 

If he is still drinking a lot, then there is not much hope for reconciliation or change. Drinking in excess is a numbing technique to avoid processing difficult emotions. We can only feel love, however, to the same extent we can feel loss or sadness. It goes both ways. If he is drinking to self-medicate, he is not likely to be emotionally available at this time.

[Leigh 87]

You mind plays tricks on you. On us all. I am sure we have all been through this thing where - the people we most want seem to be out of reach, and the people who actually WANT us - who WANT to see us often, call us when they say they will, and get EXCITED about being our partners -

 

All that comes so easy feels underwhelming since.. surely, what we want most should not be easy or straight forward? '

 

I think many of us are conditioned to think that anything worth having takes work, blind faith and pain.

 

This is not so with relationships. It SHOULD be like this, with your new guy. Your eggs must have kept you one egg shells the entire time, kept you on your toes - one moment he seemed to want this life together so he must have loved you right - only for the next minute for you to know deep down that wait.. this is not right, you deserved more...

 

On some levels, our egos serve us badly by... getting a real buzz from making the unattainable want us... But your heart will be happiest with either this new guy, or a guy just like him. A guy who wants to be with you, clear as day plain and simple.

 

Good luck. Your ex is a moron. Ditch him. Do not even respond:sick: