I decided to move on...no more limbo

[guest569]

So we met tonight. He asked for more time. He still wants to think about things. He told me he wants to see a therapist too and ask him/her about all these questions he has. For example, why does he fail at relationships, what makes him happy? I told him those are better questions to ask himself.

 

I think he just isn’t sure of what he wants. I respect his decision and give him more time. But does more time most likely equal a break up?

 

I'm so sorry, this is such a difficult position to be in. I imagine it would feel you with hope but at the same time you're stuck in limbo which is really unfair. At the same time, he is in a difficult position too and wants to make the right decision. He doesn't want to throw it away when he is not sure, but doesn't want to hurt you more and needs to be sure. But limbo is hurting more.

 

I've been there too. My first boyfriend told me out of the blue he was unhappy and needed time to think. I was expecting the worse the whole time. I stayed in limbo for 10 days and I think by that point I couldn't be in limbo anymore and pushed him to talk and he broke it off.

 

You're right that he is asking personal questions of himself, not necessarily about your relationship. How long is it going to take him to see a therapist and work through all his issues to make a decision whole your relationship hangs in the balance?

 

I don't know what to advise you.. How are you feeling? Have you slept on it yet?

[Blanco]

Maybe I am kidding myself that we can still work out. We technically haven’t broken up. I know what I want, but he doesn’t know yet. I want to be respectful of his space. But at the same time I agree I can’t be in limbo for long. I am just not ready to let go yet. Am I crazy?

 

If he still doesn't know, then I think you have your answer. When you're an adult, you don't get the luxury of "breaks." You can't just pause life like that, especially since these situations almost always involve one person who's only going along with the break because they view it as their only hope of saving the relationship.

 

I get needing to think things through, but as others have said, you don't really work through these things apart. What would happen if you two got married and had children and he suddenly felt this way again? Would you permit him to run off for two weeks to "think" about what he wants? No, and you'd be right to prevent that.

 

As hard as it is, you can't set the precedent that rifts in the relationship can be solved through detachment. He's either in or he's out.

[Hope4thefuture]

I'm so sorry, this is such a difficult position to be in. I imagine it would feel you with hope but at the same time you're stuck in limbo which is really unfair. At the same time, he is in a difficult position too and wants to make the right decision. He doesn't want to throw it away when he is not sure, but doesn't want to hurt you more and needs to be sure. But limbo is hurting more.

 

I've been there too. My first boyfriend told me out of the blue he was unhappy and needed time to think. I was expecting the worse the whole time. I stayed in limbo for 10 days and I think by that point I couldn't be in limbo anymore and pushed him to talk and he broke it off.

 

You're right that he is asking personal questions of himself, not necessarily about your relationship. How long is it going to take him to see a therapist and work through all his issues to make a decision whole your relationship hangs in the balance?

 

I don't know what to advise you.. How are you feeling? Have you slept on it yet?

 

I feel a little sad today. I don’t want to push him and want to give him the time he needs. But I won’t be able to wait for months. I think he made an appointment in about a week and a half. I am not sure he will have all the answers he is looking for by one session. I know I will have a tough decision to make in the weeks ahead.

[Hope4thefuture]

The vacation we planned with his family is tomorrow. He still asked me to go and I said yes. That may be stupid of me. When we were talking about starting to move forward again he said “how do we begin again?” And I am not sure either. Then he said maybe going on this trip will help us. I don’t know if he means that or just wanting to make me feel better. But at this point I would rather try and see if it does help us start again.

[ExpatInItaly]

The vacation we planned with his family is tomorrow. He still asked me to go and I said yes. That may be stupid of me. When we were talking about starting to move forward again he said “how do we begin again?” And I am not sure either. Then he said maybe going on this trip will help us. I don’t know if he means that or just wanting to make me feel better. But at this point I would rather try and see if it does help us start again.

 

Forgive me, but I don't see how going on this trip will help you when he says he felt smothered before and doesn't know about long-term compatibility. What does he feel is going to happen on a trip that will clarify that for him or address his concerns?

 

As for how to begin again, well, only he can answer that as he is the one who called time-out. You don't know really what you are starting over from. That would be like running a race, and in the middle the judge disqualifies you and sends you back to the starting line without really explaining why or how to avoid disqualification on your second attempt.

[BluesPower]

Maybe I am kidding myself that we can still work out. We technically haven’t broken up. I know what I want, but he doesn’t know yet. I want to be respectful of his space. But at the same time I agree I can’t be in limbo for long. I am just not ready to let go yet. Am I crazy?

 

No, you are being a doormat...

 

Listen, you need to have some self respect, and stop waiting.

 

When someone does not choose you, then you need to move on. If they come back, OK, MAYBE.

 

Look, you have worth, whether you see it or not. You want to be with a man that chooses you above all others, now and always.

 

What you need to say it, "OK, well we are officially broken up. If you decide you want to be together later and I am not in a committed relationship, I will think about it. But for now, I am moving on, hope you catch up."

 

Can you understand that?

[Hope4thefuture]

The best I can do right now is to focus on myself. I want to continue to see my therapist and improve on what I think I need to work on. I am not ready to break up. Maybe i will be in a few weeks or so if I feel it is something I must do. But I just can’t right now. I know that makes me seem weak.

[BC1980]

There is no way I would accept this position of being in limbo.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him that I am moving on without him. If my bf is this unsure about me this far into the relationship, then I am not the one for him. And, he certainly is not the one for me. I'd wish him good luck and goodbye. He'd be welcome to reach out when he is ready, but I may no longer be available at that point.

 

Exactly. This arrangement obviously benefits him. How long are you supposed to wait around? Indefinitely? That is not fair at all. You're either in or out. There's no going back and forth and waiting around. And you're right. if you're unsure after 3 years, it's time to move on.

[BC1980]

The best I can do right now is to focus on myself. I want to continue to see my therapist and improve on what I think I need to work on. I am not ready to break up. Maybe i will be in a few weeks or so if I feel it is something I must do. But I just can’t right now. I know that makes me seem weak.

 

It makes you normal because you don't want the relationship to end. I think it's already over in all ways except officially. You have to find the strength to walk away though. Because what's going to happen is he's going to end it with you sooner rather than later, and you will feel 10x worse because you waited around for him.

[CantTakeMySmile]

It makes you normal because you don't want the relationship to end. I think it's already over in all ways except officially. You have to find the strength to walk away though. Because what's going to happen is he's going to end it with you sooner rather than later, and you will feel 10x worse because you waited around for him.

 

I agree with this.

 

He is trying to let you down easy... allow him to.

[Hope4thefuture]

I know I need to let him go. But it is very hard. All I keep thinking in my mind is “what did I do wrong” “why does it feel like no one wants me?” I know these are irrational thoughts but I can’t get them out of my head.

[CantTakeMySmile]

I know I need to let him go. But it is very hard. All I keep thinking in my mind is “what did I do wrong” “why does it feel like no one wants me?” I know these are irrational thoughts but I can’t get them out of my head.

 

Well, you made a positive step forward realizing that. Good

Job!’

[BC1980]

I know I need to let him go. But it is very hard. All I keep thinking in my mind is “what did I do wrong” “why does it feel like no one wants me?” I know these are irrational thoughts but I can’t get them out of my head.

 

We all feel that way when a relationship ends. Or in your case, it might end. It's probably not anything you did. More often than not, it's just that the feelings aren't strong enough. We want to think it's something specific because then we can fix it. Feelings are weird things that we can't always explain.

[Hope4thefuture]

Well we are on vacation together with his family. Everything has been easy going so far. We are relaxing and having a good time with each other. He is still introducing me as his girlfriend, holding my hand, calling me pet names. My fear is that after vacation we go back to our reality and things will be different.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well we are on vacation together with his family. Everything has been easy going so far. We are relaxing and having a good time with each other. He is still introducing me as his girlfriend, holding my hand, calling me pet names. My fear is that after vacation we go back to our reality and things will be different.

 

This is probably what will happen, sadly.

 

It's easy for him to put on a front on holidays, especially in front of his family, but as soon as this vacation is over I would brace yourself to be back to uncertainty and limbo and requests for more time to decide if he still wants this.

[BC1980]

Well we are on vacation together with his family. Everything has been easy going so far. We are relaxing and having a good time with each other. He is still introducing me as his girlfriend, holding my hand, calling me pet names. My fear is that after vacation we go back to our reality and things will be different.

 

I would go ahead and expect that. Vacations are not reality. You can go on a vacation and forget about your problems, but the same stuff will resurface when you get back. Has this vacation been planned for awhile?

[Hope4thefuture]

We have had it planned since January. I have a feeling it will go back to the way it was before. It is so strange that it feels so good between us right now. We had a month of poor communication and connection. This week it has been so nice. I am trying to enjoy this time, and prepare myself for when we get back.

[BC1980]

We have had it planned since January. I have a feeling it will go back to the way it was before. It is so strange that it feels so good between us right now. We had a month of poor communication and connection. This week it has been so nice. I am trying to enjoy this time, and prepare myself for when we get back.

 

I ask because I had something similar happen to me. Trip planned, breakup happened, still invited to go on trip, went on trip. I'm thinking he wanted you to go because he felt bad leaving you out in short notice. I think he does genuinely enjoy your company though. I'm sorry you're in a bad place. I feel for you.

[ThreeRainbows]

Going on this trip is a bad move. It just shows a lack of self-respect.

 

 

The reason he is out of love with you in the first place, is because he can't see your sense of self, your boundaries, you self-respect.

 

 

A man loves a woman who can stand on her on two feet without him, and who is strong enough to know what is and isn't good for her.

 

 

This trip isn't good for you. It's giving you false hope, and he thinks he has you in his back pocket.

[Hope4thefuture]

Well the trip is over and back at home. I wasn’t sure this trip was a good idea or not. However I had a good time with him and his family.

 

I texted him this morning just to thank him for the trip. Later tonight he starts texting me about my day. We sent a few texts back and forth. Is he just being polite or trying to reconnect in some way?

[ExpatInItaly]

Well the trip is over and back at home. I wasn’t sure this trip was a good idea or not. However I had a good time with him and his family.

 

I texted him this morning just to thank him for the trip. Later tonight he starts texting me about my day. We sent a few texts back and forth. Is he just being polite or trying to reconnect in some way?

 

There's no way of knowing at this point.

 

You can only see what happens in the coming days. Give yourself time limit, though, as how much longer you are going to wait while he decides if he wants to continue with you. You don't need to share this with him, but you do need to set some boundaries somewhere for yourself. This will drive you absolutely crazy otherwise.

[BC1980]

Well the trip is over and back at home. I wasn’t sure this trip was a good idea or not. However I had a good time with him and his family.

 

I texted him this morning just to thank him for the trip. Later tonight he starts texting me about my day. We sent a few texts back and forth. Is he just being polite or trying to reconnect in some way?

 

I can't tell you why he sent the texts. Only he knows. It could be that he was trying to be nice after you texted him to thank him for the trip, or he could have been trying to reconnect. The bottom line is that you have no more answers today than you did several weeks ago. You still don't know where you stand with him. You're basically in an indefinite limbo, and he's in the driver's seat.

 

I would give yourself an ultimatum. At most, I would wait 2 weeks to see how he acts. After that time, I would ask to meet him and tell him you want to be in a committed relationship with him. If he doesn't want that, you understand, but you have to walk because that isn't compatible with what you want.

[Hope4thefuture]

Thanks for the advice. I agree! I can’t be in limbo indefinitely. Should I wait for him to contact me? I want to keep focusing on myself, but I thought if I want to reconnect I could reach out and text him, right?

[BC1980]

Thanks for the advice. I agree! I can’t be in limbo indefinitely. Should I wait for him to contact me? I want to keep focusing on myself, but I thought if I want to reconnect I could reach out and text him, right?

 

I actually wouldn't. I would see if he makes a move first. He knows where you stand and what you want. I just don't see the responsibility being on you to initiate reconnecting in this scenario. You've been the one to initiate things thus far. He needs to do some of the legwork at this point, and I think you will find out a lot about how willing he is to do any legwork. I would still give yourself the 2 week ultimatum that I mentioned.

[Hope4thefuture]

I have decided that if things are not improving in a couple of weeks then I need to end things. I deserve to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me. I am really scared that by the end of these 2 weeks I will be single. But I guess that is better than being in a one-sided relationship.