Why is it hard to let go of affair

[grass-hopper]

That seems to be the common theme for most OW/OM whether married themselves or not.

What is it that keeps us so loyal to our MM/MW even when it’s obivous that they don’t love us and are not good for us?

What makes us think there’s nothing better out there for us when to someone else looking in from the outside can see the train wreck moving fast ahead towards us?

What makes us put these MM/MW on a pedestal?

Why does going NC seem the end of the world for us?

[carhill]

Emotional attachment style.

[BaileyB]

What is it that keeps us so loyal to our MM/MW even when it’s obivous that they don’t love us and are not good for us?

 

I have absolutely no idea! It makes no sense to me, for the most part...

 

Who do people do anything - because there is a need and they are meeting that need, somehow. The need could be sex, excitement, validation, attention, affection, escape... so many things. At the point when the cost outweighs the benefit, that is when things change.

 

The thing is, the "cost" is different for everyone. That's the thing that is perplexing for me, what would never be tolerated by one person, is perfectly acceptable to another.

Edited August 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[Luvmykidz]

Love and addiction.

[FMW]

I never had my xMM on a pedestal, from day one I was clear on his weaknesses and messed up behavior.

 

I also never found the behavior "totally acceptable".

 

As I've written here so many times, if you haven't been there it is impossible to understand. It didn't happen to me until I was 50 so I had plenty of life experience and looking at what other people got involved with to relate to thinking "there's no way in hell, what's wrong with these people."

 

Sometimes life can really knock you out and leave you vulnerable to things you would have previously sworn you would never have any part of. That's not given as an excuse or saying that it was ok. It's simply an explanation of how it came about. It's definitely like a strong addiction - I absolutely know he's bad for me and I'm disgusted by the whole situation. But that doesn't stop me from feeling completely gutted that it's over.

 

That's why it's nice to have a place to go where other people have actually experienced what you're going through. But in the end we each have to figure out what happened in our particular situation to ensure we never let it happen again.

[Origin]

I personally think it’s the thought of “what it could be” if they got with us.

 

When we all got involved in the beginning it was great and a lot of plans were made and whatnot, a lot of dreams, things you wanna do and so on. We unfortunately hold onto those thoughts while they don’t. That’s what keeps us attached. It’s aleays the thought in the head “oh they will change, be with me and it will finally be good”.

 

Anyways those are my thoughts.

[Bittersweetie]

For me, it was three things.

 

One, was the addiction factor. Which I did not see until I was farther away from the A. But every text, email, thought, google search, gave me a fix and I became addicted to the fix.

 

Two, I felt I invested in this relationship, as messed up as it was. And I didn't walk away from that investment. As crazy as it sounds, I kept going back because I thought, maybe this time will be different.

 

And three, the affair prevented me from facing the true issues I had in myself and my marriage. It was an escape pod that I didn't want to walk away from. However walking away allowed me to face the pain, work through it, and come out better on the other side. But I did fight it at first.

[carhill]

OP, one aspect I examined in MC, the place where I learned a lot about attachment styles, was comparing detaching from a marital partner versus an affair partner. The overriding difference I discerned after working on the task was one of 'business'. A marriage is complete, all-encompassing and immersive. One has experienced a complete, full and often lengthy relationship. What I noticed about affairs was the concept, and often reality, of 'unfinished or incomplete business'. Where parts are missing, our psyche, and often id, write a narrative to benefit ourselves, and often that benefit falls on the side of optimistic. Optimistic is nice but it can also disrespect reality.

 

Once I learned the tools to accept reality, including that of unfinished business, letting go was far easier and more complete. It was a really exciting discovery which has reaped benefits far exceeding the original work. The days of the 'you and me forever' narrative/fiction were replaced with real, in all facets of relationships, including marriage. My exW, who was married three times including myself, also assisted. I learned a lot from her.

 

Now, NC with whomever is a gift. A pleasure. Completion. Billions more to be encountered.

[misspalmy]

its like a drug

[oceansaway]

Because the relationship is not real...it's fantasy. No kids, money issues, family ect to deal with. Just fun and sex. It's addicting because it's not real.

[jah526]

Mine was different I think. He continually put me down, compared me to other women, told me I wasn't good enough. It made me want to try harder, because after all it isn't love if you don't have to fight for it, right? Or maybe that's just the lesson I learned growing up...

 

Letting go meant I failed, once again, at proving myself worthy of someone's love. Someone whose love was never attainable in the first place. Sad, really, and sick.

[Heartwoman]

Mine was the same he wanted me to change and fix me continuously telling me my love was selfish. However he was really lovely to me too and I've never experienced such intense love and emotion. I still really love him, but he has ended the affair he says he wants a proper relationship as I've reminded him of what intimacy feels like. He's single I'm not, as he is a family friend he still wants to come over and see us this I find hard.

[Chica80]

Emotional attachment style.

 

Yup have to 100% agree