Feeling Like a Hot Mess of a Failure

[vla1120]

I started posting out here 5 years ago when my marriage was breaking up. I met a man shortly thereafter and we married (too quickly, but because he had no health insurance with stage III cancer and I could give him health benefits.) That marriage turned sour very shortly after the vows because he was controlling and manipulative. After trying to make it work for 4 years, I finally left in mid-June. I now share a house with two of my grown daughters. He's leaving me alone (unlike last time, when he stalked me after I left him in Oct 2016, then went back out of guilt when his cancer advanced to stage IV.)

 

I stayed in therapy for over a month after I left, but stopped going because I really didn't think I needed it, since my main problem (being with him) was resolved. However, I am overeating, I stopped going to my workouts, and I find myself only getting out of bed to go to work. I know what I need to do - stopping eating my emotions, get my behind to exercise classes every day after work, find a hobby to fill my time, maybe even go back to speak to my therapist about this again (but when I do, we end up talking about him and the failed marriage and I think this clearly has to do with ME!)

 

I find myself wishing I could go back with my first husband and have that life back (well, not the cheating, but the friendship.) What I really need, though, is to take this time to work on myself - learn to care about myself, etc.

 

What is wrong with me!? Why can't I find the inspiration to just DO what I know needs to be done!!? Has anyone else gotten to the light at the end of the tunnel? If so, how?

[basil67]

Wow, you've been through the wringer. Would I be correct in summarising your current feelings as being a 'complete and utter lack of motivation'? If so, I'd be discussing whether or not you may be suffering from depression with your doctor. Perhaps meds might put you back on the right track?

[d0nnivain]

There's nothing wrong with you. You have been through a lot & you are processing. Do try not to eat so much & get back into your workouts. Other than that, know you will be OK

[FMW]

It sounds like you're experiencing situational depression. I can relate, I've experienced it on and off for the last three years due to life experiences. It also sounds that you are an emotional eater like I am which only makes you feel worse about yourself and that's where you lose the motivation to work out and participate in things you enjoy.

 

Something that helps me push past that is taking an over the counter supplement - 5HTP. It may sound silly to you, but I can really tell a difference when I don't take it regularly. Google it, there's a ton of information out there on it and it's easily available.

 

Try not to look back, and when you do make sure you clearly remember all the negatives that made you move on.

[vla1120]

Thank you, everyone, for your sound advice. I am going to check out that supplement. Also, I have been on anti-depressants since my suicidal ideations three years ago, when things started getting really bad. However, maybe it is time to talk to my doctor about adjusting my medication to get me through this period of time. I know I will get through it. I think I am just having a moment of "What have I done with my life?" I did not think about adjusting my medication, so I am glad I came out here to get some feedback! Thanks again!

[d0nnivain]

Tweaking your meds may help but the meds need to be supplemented with talk therapy. You are not going to find happiness or stability through a pill alone.

[Ralph79]

Picking yourself up after going through hardships is extremely difficult. I don't think there's anything wrong with you either. I know part of you wants to get yourself out of the gutter but the rest of you doesn't think you are worth the trouble.

 

Well you took the first step which is telling yourself that you want to get to a better place. There are people out there who can't even do that.

 

Secondly you are posting here , meaning you are not beyond seeking help. That is another HUGE step you have already taken. I would suggest you talk to someone close to you who can physically be there to help yourself up.

 

I would also suggest you try and really make an effort to engage people that have like minded goals. People who are working on bettering themselves. Make friends with people who will dare you to challenge yourself day in and day out.

 

And lastly, always give yourself the best possible chance to succeed. Success doesn't happen by chance. You don't reach your goals simply because you tried. It takes hard work and more importantly dedication. And even then, you aren't guaranteed to make it, but without hard work and dedication you never will.

 

You are eating too much? Go to the grocery store on a full stomach (to best avoid cravings) and fill your cart with healthy food, healthy snacks and water. Make sure you only have access to healthy food in every corner of your house. Like I said, put yourself in the best possible situation to succeed.

 

The most important thing is to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you are worth the time to become better than who you are today. For your sake and for your daughters sake. You've survived a lot in life, and it hasn't broken you. A lot of people will find that very admirable myself included. You have every right to walk with your head held up high and start focusing on yourself.

[vla1120]

It's now October 11th and I am no better off than when I posted this in August. I just made an appointment with my doctor to alter my medication. I've gotten better about controlling my emotional eating. Now I just need to get back to working out.

 

I know I am down because have a friend that I met in the cancer support group. Her husband was dealing with the same cancer condition as my husband. He has been about 12-15 months in advance of my husband since I have known them. He just passed away this weekend. That took a toll, not only on me, but also on my estranged husband, understandably. Then, this week, my husband got the word that his cancer is now spreading again. I told him that, when it comes to needing support he can contact me (because he has no one else - and criticize me as you may - I cannot completely turn my back on someone in his condition.)

 

So last night, he texted me about some issues he is having with the insurance company paying bills. I told him I would contact them. Then, he started with some stupid minor insults. I told him not to ask me for help and then insult me. That's just ludicrous and he owes me an apology. He didn't apologize. He never does. Narcissists don't apologize because they don't see themselves as having ever done something wrong. I understand that. I'll still continue to tell him that he needs to learn to apologize, though.

 

Then he asked me if I would come over for dinner and we could go over the bills. I said "I will only meet you in a public place." He asked why I would be afraid of him. I told him "Because when we were still living together, you threatened to buy a gun and shoot me if I walked in the door without announcing myself." He told me he was kidding, and I should have known that. I told him considering his second wife committed suicide with a gun, I would think he would be a bit more sensitive to even mentioning a firearm. Hours later, he texted me again asking if we can meet somewhere public to go over the bills and he promises to be "pleasant."

 

I can do this. I can meet with him, keep it cordial, help him with his overwhelming billing issues, help him arrange his hospice care - which is just around the corner, and still keep my sanity and independence. This is what I need to do to be able to look myself in the mirror. Regardless of how he has treated me, or what he has put me through, he is a human being and deserves to be treated as such. If I need to be the one to take the high road, then so be it.

 

I do remember some months ago, he was telling me he wanted me to set him up an apartment in D.C. where physician-assisted death is legal. He would have had to establish residence then have a series of appointments before they would give him the medication to end it on his own. But then, I "tattled" on him and told his doctors. His palliative care doctor told him that there are ways that can also be handled in our state. Maybe that is what he wants to meet me about, knowing that his cancer is spreading again. He always said, once this last cycle of chemotherapy medication stops working, he's going to be ready to "check out."

 

I guess there's no question or request for advice in there. I'm just spouting off. Reading back what I wrote, it's no wonder I am depressed. Ugh.

[vla1120]

Vla I just read all you are going through and let me tell you that you are a wonderful person which is going through rough times. Regarding your husband, this may sound mean, but even if his condition is critical I believe you should consider stop visiting him/helping given he is not treating you the way he should and seems to bring more harm than anything. Yes, he is a human being, he deserves compasion but you are a human being as well that deserves respect.

 

Thank you, Daniel. That means a lot to me. I agree with you. If he continues mistreating me when I am trying to help him, then I will no longer help him. We met for dinner tonight and it was pleasant. I told him, as long as it remains like this and he expects no more from me than I am willing to give, then we will be fine. I can be his caregiver, but not his wife. Tonight, I reminded him that when we first met, he was looking for nothing more than someone to spend time with, have a coffee, see a movie, etc. if he can get back to that place, I can be a friend to him. We will see if he can stay within the boundaries I have set.