in the 30's

[lifeisamaze]

Hi All,

 

I just wanted to get some thoughts from the people out there. A little bit about me, i am male, south asian, in my early 30's and starting residency and ill be about in my mid 30's before i am done. Residency is the training you do after medical school, for those who are unfamiliar with the process.

 

 

I have been in some very meaningful and strong relationships in the past that had to end, my last one was recent and i had to move and they didn't want to move with me because we were not at that stage in our relationship. She would have moved if i put a ring on it, but we both knew that it was not the right time for that, and it ended on mutual terms. It was a such a sad thing to see end, we both worked really hard to try and make it work ( went to counseling etc)

 

Anyway, recently i have been on this sort of panic stricken trend that ill be ib my mid thirties soon and im still going to be single, when will i start my own life?

 

 

For those of us who have had demanding careers that have required some time commitment that put us into the 30's and are single, how are you going about it? I am well aware of the focus on yourself and itll all just happen on its own etc.

 

I do keep busy with my own work and responsibilities, some days are better than other when i dont focus so much on it but at times its much worse.

 

Thanks all

 

lifeisamaze

[central]

Anyway, recently i have been on this sort of panic stricken trend that ill be ib my mid thirties soon and im still going to be single, when will i start my own life?

 

You have already been living your own life, and it sounds like a good one. You have made choices that got you to this place, based on your priorities in the past. Are you questioning that progression, or are you just missing a relationship at present?

 

The thing is, you will be able to have a relationship in a few years, and even now you can probably have one, but it may be intermittent, or with a series of short-term people, until you have time to fairly devote to someone. Besides, when you do have time, you'll be extremely desirable and have plenty of choices - and you have past experience on which to make a good choice of mate at that time.

[lifeisamaze]

You have already been living your own life, and it sounds like a good one. You have made choices that got you to this place, based on your priorities in the past. Are you questioning that progression, or are you just missing a relationship at present?

 

The thing is, you will be able to have a relationship in a few years, and even now you can probably have one, but it may be intermittent, or with a series of short-term people, until you have time to fairly devote to someone. Besides, when you do have time, you'll be extremely desirable and have plenty of choices - and you have past experience on which to make a good choice of mate at that time.

 

i enjoy what i do but sometimes but it truly is a sacrifice.

 

i dont want people to be with me when i am done w training because of what i do, i want them to be w with me because we get along and have personalities that jive and interests that match, have similar vision of what we want life to be like etc.

 

how are you so certain that i will have plenty of choices?

[Chilli]

Can't be certain of anything but you coming at a great age being a guy , my 30s were absolute prime for women.

 

Besides , you might even rekindle with the ex , that sounded like a nice relationship if not for the move.

 

Good luck anyway.

[OatsAndHall]

I was separated at 35 and divorced by age 36 so I can relate to what you're feeling. Especially when I look around and all of my friends are married and starting/continuing families. Dating in your 30's can be daunting but it can still be enjoyable if you focus on the right things. I struggled when I first started dating as I was meeting many women that were in the mid-late twenties. Many of them had little-no true relationship experience and it made things difficult. And, I am truly a Gen Xer; there are aspects of technology that I dislike (texting, texting, and MORE texting..) and that complicated things.

 

 

 

I started to date women around my own age or a little older and my dating experience was more successful and fun. The women I date now have more relationship experience, seem to communicate better (i.e. life doesn't revolve around texting, FB messaging, Snapchat, etc..) and I relate to them more.

[Els]

From what I know about residency, it's extremely rough. You'll be working 80+ hr weeks, right? It's probably not a great time to date, unless you happen to fall into a relationship that just falls into place.

 

 

I'd recommend just focusing on keeping your head above water and keeping stress at bay until you finish your residency. If someone really comes along without you looking, and both of you are willing to make the sacrifices needed to make things work, great - otherwise, I don't think it's worth it. What's wrong with being 35 and single?

[glows]

The answers can be as simple or as difficult as you want them to be.

 

My straight answer to you is:

Figure out and visualize what's important to you in life and prioritize. Prioritze prioritize prioritize. Don't grasp and greedily grab at everything all at once and bumble around wondering why you're not getting everything you want at the same time.

 

I suspect you are grieving the loss or breakdown of a relationship and that's normal. Keep on working through those feelings and remember to grow forward.

[Eugeleh]

Been there, and it's reasonable to anticipate that dating during residency will be challenging.

 

Not sure what specialty you're in , so I don't know the length of time you're anticipating for residency/fellowship. It was 6 years for me, was 32 when I finished (late 40's now)

 

I was single for most of residency and met my wife 3 yrs into practice.

 

My observation regarding dating during residency is that most single residents date primarily people they meet through work. I had a handful of dates with people I met through other means, but the one significant relationship I had was with a woman who was clerical staff at one of the hospitals I trained at. Most of my single friends in residency dated other physicians, but nurses, physiotherapists, etc were also in the mix. One of my friends married a woman whose father was an administrator at our hospital, and they met while she was doing a summer internship.

 

Assuming that you'll be doing a minimum of 3 yrs and you're already in your 30's, I would advise doing your best to date at least occasionally. The choices may be limited, and the reality is that as residents we don't have much time for a diverse social life. It's also a reality that our long/irregular work hours and low pay make us less appealing than we'd like to think to potential partners. That being said, it's still best to make an effort; you don't want to finish your training in your late 30's not having dated for a few years and with no prospects.

[Garcon1986]

Im in Cardiology fellowship and just went through what you went through; happy to help in any way I can; my sympathies go out to you.