Ex is adopting all of my interests

[Arcy]

Hey, Ill try to keep this as short yet detailed as possible. Read the bolded only for a quick version!

 

We were each others first in practically everything.

We are both 25 years old.

Mad level of attraction and love throughout the entire relationship.

We were together all in all for roughly 1.5 years.

 

 

This despite her family being racist towards me and so she has to hide our relationship.

She grew up without a father and her mother is verbally abusive. She also has quite a strict upbringing with conservativeness.

I am the opposite, loving family, parents together and complete freedom.

I am not looking for anyone to tell me to let this one go because I already know this. I merely want answers to her state of mind.

 

 

 

She dumped me out of the blue after 1 year due to her family finding out. It was the worst pain I have ever felt.

Imagine spending two nights with someone only to be dumped the day after out of left field.

I went no contact and after roughly 2 months, I got her back.

She also told me she felt I had became complacent.

 

 

So me being excited with my second chance, made sure to be the absolute best I could be.

Six months later (late June this year), I ended up dumping her due to myself feeling she became complacent.

Ontop of this, I had just been diagnosed with a chronic disease unrelated to her but it made me uneasy.

I just could not handle her negative attitude and lack of loving and caring communication.

During our first breakup, I made sure to read up about relationships and communication.

I was aware of all the red flags she had and they just became more and more apparant over time. This is why I broke it off.

 

 

Fast forward to today (2 months later): She has been in absolute no contact ever since.

I have reached out through email as I am blocked everywhere else and simply apologized because the way I broke up was quite harsh.

However I have been very clear on the fact that the breakup was still for the best and that we simply are not good for each other.

I still told her that I love her and that she will aways have a special place in my heart. She has not replied at all.

 

 

 

I am quite certain that she is trying to forget about me and move on.

Yet she made her instagram public because she knows its the only way I can see into her life.

And she keeps posting images that correlate to my interests.

She bought herself a game console, she bought games we played together, she is suddenly into boxing, she puts up quotes from all the tv series I introduced her to.

These are all my hobbies. She can barely play games herself, doesnt know much about boxing, etc...

 

 

 

What the heck does this all mean? Is it helping her move on to basically emulate/adopt my interests as her own? I dont understand.

She successfully drives me crazy and I just want to understand this phenomena. Have you ever encountered it?

Edited August 19, 2018 by Arcy

[SpecialJ]

The truth is, you don't know why she's doing this and it may or may not have anything to do with you. Hide her instagram and focus on yourself and your healing. Don't worry about any possible games.

 

I think she didn't respond to your email because there was no way to respond. You said I'm sorry, but then, I also still don't want to be with you. What would you say if you were in her position as the dumpee? Anything? Or lick your wounds and try to quietly keep your pride and move on?

 

You don't have enough information to know anything for sure. What you do know is you're not in contact, and you're blocked, so leave it at that. If she really has something to say to you one day, she will, and you can worry about her intentions then.

[d0nnivain]

Just stop looking at her Instagram then you won't know what she is posting.

[Arcy]

Guys my illness actually has me on a majority bedrest for a month now. I get to actually live normally in hopefully 2 weeks time. I have been unable to gym and I cant really avoid her instagram because I dont even have an account. Its rather the loneliness and lack of distractions that makes it so freaking hard to not google her insta. I tell myself I wont look again yet every morning, I relapse the moment I wake up. Why am I so weak? What can I do?

[d0nnivain]

Change your morning routine as much as your illness allows. Instead of going to IG, come here on LS. Repeatedly tell yourself you are strong & you are not going to look.

 

Feel better.

[Arcy]

Thx but I still wish I understood why shes doing that ;(

[marky00]

Thx but I still wish I understood why shes doing that ;(

 

I didn't read your full post (edit: now i have) but I can say, based on your thread title, that can sometimes happen.

 

I think when relationships end, people take the good qualities but chuck out the bad qualities they saw in their former partner. This is especially true for a dumper. A dumpee is usually taking things hard so they would prefer to just neutralise the situation and take steps to keep memories from entering their mind.

 

But I have definitely heard people say bout their exes things like "oh so now he's doing those things I wanted him to do" etc. Its pretty common and I have witnessed it in my own breakups.

 

People do learn from breakups and they can be our biggest teacher. Also, its can simply be the case that their next partner had something about them that drew those particular qualities out of them.

 

So in summary, it's probably a combination of breakups teaching people some things combined with new partners forcing some other changes as well. I am talking more about qualities. As for why she took up boxing etc, that's a lot trickier to answer.

 

Other thing to consider is that you dumped he for being complacent which basically translates as "you didn't value her" so much. Since she was dumped, she went hard No Contact which indicates she herself thinks she has some value. This has no doubt thrown you for a loop and is the risk associated with dumping someone. Not all dumpees go quietly like her but in the end they always eventually find the strength to exit the scene completely. In your case, you didn't get the ego boost because she went completely dark from Day 1.

Edited August 19, 2018 by marky00

[Arcy]

Ah I see. Well she did call and plead the first 3-5 days but after that she went full no contact.

 

 

 

She just put up an image with a heart next to the first letter of my name so I guess I am still in there...

 

 

God damnit. I know I shouldnt want it but I just miss her so much. It feels like we might just reconcile. I stopped being complacent when she dumped me first. So maybe she can infact learn from this the way I did...

 

 

Getting complacent feels like a matter of time. We have to try and always be the best we can and there are other issues in this relationship but the main cause for it ending both times seems to be due to that reason.

[preraph]

It may have nothing at all to do with you. Maybe she just learned some new interests she thinks guys might like from you and is using that to be interesting online. She might even be trying to make you feel worse like look what you're missing.

 

She knows where to find you if she wanted you back. There's plenty of places to spend time than Instagram. You could take up reading, for example. I am sorry you're ill and I know this situation isn't helping any, so I hope you get better soon.

[marky00]

I stopped being complacent when she dumped me first. So maybe she can infact learn from this the way I did...

 

 

Getting complacent feels like a matter of time. We have to try and always be the best we can and there are other issues in this relationship but the main cause for it ending both times seems to be due to that reason.

 

Pretty much. did you think she would pine for you forever? Very unlikely. When someone had you on a pedestal and they move on, that will throw you for a loop.

 

But seriously, your being a bit selfish here. You dumped her and now your wanting to figure out if she likes you. Man, that isn't cool. If she hates you or is indifferent, so what?... you did dump her.

 

Dumpers are allowed to dump yes but those who try to look for ego boosts, relieve guilt and generally just pull moves to make themselves feel better about themselves is just not cool.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like you are both just trying to work through the emotions of the breakup.

 

She probably has had a lot of hurt and resentment to work through, hence making public posts about taking up your hobbies. Kind of like someone trying to look hotter to their ex as revenge for being dumped. Either that or she is doing it as a form of comfort to fill the void that was left.

 

Do I think this mirroring of hobbies will last? Probably not. She has had opportunities to communicate with you, but she has shut it down. Maybe deep down she agrees with you that it is best that you both move on. Nevertheless it is still a process and grief that needs to be worked through.

 

I'm sure you understand that better than anyone. You know looking at her social media isn't a good idea, but in some ways it has been a form of comfort or connection while you are in a vulnerable place. When you get back on your feet and find other things to fill that space, hopefully that need will lessen and you will start to let go.

 

That being said, social media stalking can become an obsession for some people so try and control the urge as much as you can.

 

It will get better in time.

[Ralph79]

Ok so long story short:

 

1. So you have broken up twice in the past year.

 

2. You went NC for 2 months until you got her back the first time she broke up with you.

 

3. She's gone NC for 2 months and you want her back now, after you dumped her.

 

Yet you are still convinced you did the right thing ending the relationship, and simply miss her and want to know why she's posting things that relate to you because:

 

she made her instagram public because she knows its the only way I can see into her life

 

My friend, this is a HUGE assumption on your part. If you are convinced she's not good for you, then why are you "poking the bear with a stick" (so to speak) ?

 

Yes, I agree with the marky00 regarding your ego. I think you need to reflect on your feelings and understand that you either messed up and should go do what is necessary to earn her forgiveness and risk exposing yourself to whatever answer she might give you , or realize that you simply want what you no longer have.

 

In which case, given your past history with her, I will let you hear it from the source:

 

[Arcy]

Thank you all for answering, specially you Ralph79. You are so right.