How to stop being jealous and insecure?

[jellyy]

I am dating this guy for a couple of months now, he just broke off with his ex-gf before we got together. Day to day basis, we are ok, he is not someone who is romantic, more of a naggy type of bf. But it means that he cares for me. But then there are things that bother me during these period of time...

 

He didnt delete his photos with his ex and i cant really accept it. I tried to talk it out that i am uncomfortable with it. Jealousy

 

His initial reply was that those were the past, why am i getting jealous of his past gf. He has no feeling for her anymore. i should accept his past relationship. Deleting those photos doesnt mean it didnt exist. He is lazy to look up and delete as there are 2 thousands of photos in his gallery. (shouldnt he put in effort ? )

 

I am upset with his reply. He realised it and say he will delete them but e way he said it, its like he was being force to do it and he look really unhappy. It makes me feel like i am being unreasonable and I am e wrong one.

Its been a week and i didnt dare to ask if he had deleted e photos or not.

 

Another issue is that he didnt inform his family abt us. His family knew he broke off with his ex. He thinks that it is too quick to let them know he has a new gf. He did told me in advance and i understand it.

 

e problem kicks in when last month he asked when do i want to go back to his hometown with him? I was elated. I thought he finally decide to introduce me to his family. He suggested next month(which is this month aug ), i agreed and ask him to fix e dates so we can take leave from work and visit his hometown for a couple of days. Sadly, no news from him after. Until i asked him again during early aug, he is not ready to introduce me. part of his reason is that he is afraid that his family will think that i am e one who made him and his ex broke up. He suggest we can go but we stay in hotel instead.

 

Of cox i am upset with it again, he gave in in e end but said that if his family think badly abt me, dont regret it.

 

I get puzzled whenever i get jealous and insecure, when i talk it out with him. He has his 101 reasons and excuses to win our argument. I will usually be e one apologizing. But deep inside, i felt kinda 委屈 i feel wronged. He should not have asked if he didnt plan to introduce me, it gives me hope and make me disappoint after.

Shouldnt he try his best to make my insecurity away, delaying his actions make me feel like he doesnt care abt these issues at all. Its all talk but no action taken. Whenever I am upset i show it on my face easily, and he will get angry, do i not have e right to be upset?

I am not sure if i am e one being too insecure n jealousy, or he is not being sensitive? This few days i have been trying to google ''how to not be jealous in relationship'' lol.

[d0nnivain]

There's 2 issues here. You are jealous & insecure but he's doing nothing to help calm you concerns.

 

The pictures aren't that big of a deal unless he's looking at them longingly. I have been happily married for over 10 years but if I looked around somewhere in this house there are photographs of all my old BFs going back to HS. Those men were part of my past; experiences with them helped shape the person I am today. I have no feelings for them; they are memories.

 

His reason about not wanting to introduce you to his family for fear that they will think you are the reason he broke up with his EX-GF sounds fishy. Does his family think he has no integrity or is easily swayed? That excuse says way more about him then you.

[Guildford]

How do you get over jealousy? This is easier said than done, but keep saying to your self, 'I don't care about how he feels about others. I care about how he feels about me and how he treats me'. Based upon what you have said, I believe he is treating you very poorly. I would talk to him and tell him how you are being mistreated, and if he dismisses what you say and will not change then I would dump him. Look for someone who treats you right.

[jellyy]

 

His reason about not wanting to introduce you to his family for fear that they will think you are the reason he broke up with his EX-GF sounds fishy. Does his family think he has no integrity or is easily swayed? That excuse says way more about him then you.

 

I am not sure how his family thinks, i have not met them. But from what I know, he wants to keep a ' good guy, good son'' image to his family. He does care alot how ppl look at him.

[jellyy]

How do you get over jealousy? This is easier said than done, but keep saying to your self, 'I don't care about how he feels about others. I care about how he feels about me and how he treats me'. Based upon what you have said, I believe he is treating you very poorly. I would talk to him and tell him how you are being mistreated, and if he dismisses what you say and will not change then I would dump him. Look for someone who treats you right.

 

He has his man ego, n doesn't say sorry easily. He is bad at coaxing upset me and will get frustrated. But it was only when stuff like this happens.

other normal days, we will say good morning good night everyday. He will ask if i am tired from work, am i hungry. nag at me to not drink too much coffee. send me home from work.

He is not a bad guy in general, so i thought i could give it a shot n look for way to help with my insecurity. and yes it is easy to say then done, when insecure kicks in, its hard to control myself. So im here to look more suggestion or advice abt it.

[smackie9]

My suggestion is find a new BF. The way I see it he manipulates you, that's how he wins every argument, and his knit picking is the start of being abusive. Nowhere in your post do a see a "great guy"..sound to me he is insensitive, and cares more about himself not you. He's giving you reasons to feel insecure...then he slams in your face calling you jealous. That's just so bad.....why do you even put up with that. This isn't all your fault, he's being a jerk. He is the way he is, so there will never be him changing. Doesn't matter if you keep yourself quiet....he's still going to hold you down when you want to talk about your feelings about anything.

 

 

You need to find yourself a guy that's proud to be your BF, show you off to his friends and family, just simply adoring you. someone who doesn't trample you when you are upset.

Edited August 20, 2018 by smackie9

[MalachiX]

The pictures thing is something YOU need to get over. We all have a past and I don't believe we should erase part of our lives because our partner is insecure. I have ex girlfriends who I have no interest in ever seeing again but I still haven't deleted my photos with them because that's a part of MY LIFE. Our pictures are a record of who we are. Would you want him to delete his prom photos because he took another girl? I'm not trying to sound mean but this kind of insecurity poisons relationships.

 

As for the other stuff...it's hard to say. It's understandable that you're concerned that he hasn't introduced you to his family. I don't know if you should stay with this dude but, if you confront him, focus on what matters (like the family stuff), and not on silly things like pictures.

[basil67]

Are you asking him to delete his old photos from social media, or to delete them completely? It's reasonable to ask for them to be deleted from social media, but you're expecting far too much if you think he should delete his files/destroy his albums. Out of sight/out of mind should be sufficient.

 

I don't like that he nags you to not drink and sends you home from work. Does he think he's your father?

 

Two months without meeting his parents is not a long time. A lot of people don't make a relationship public until it's looking like it may last the distance.

[d0nnivain]

I am not sure how his family thinks, i have not met them. But from what I know, he wants to keep a ' good guy, good son'' image to his family. He does care alot how ppl look at him.

 

See that is why his stated reason is BS. He told you he wants to keep you away from his family so they won't think YOU caused him to break up with his long time GF. If his reputation is that he's a good guy & a good son, then you some random woman would not be able to persuade him to cheat or to dump a GF if that relationship had been working. For appearance sake alone you'd think he would not hide you. By keeping you in the shadows he's showing himself to be a man who lacks integrity & also one who needs external validation. Both are lousy qualities in a long term partner.

[jellyy]

My suggestion is find a new BF. The way I see it he manipulates you, that's how he wins every argument, and his knit picking is the start of being abusive. Nowhere in your post do a see a "great guy"..sound to me he is insensitive, and cares more about himself not you. He's giving you reasons to feel insecure...then he slams in your face calling you jealous. That's just so bad.....why do you even put up with that. This isn't all your fault, he's being a jerk. He is the way he is, so there will never be him changing. Doesn't matter if you keep yourself quiet....he's still going to hold you down when you want to talk about your feelings about anything.

 

 

You need to find yourself a guy that's proud to be your BF, show you off to his friends and family, just simply adoring you. someone who doesn't trample you when you are upset.

 

If he is changing me to be a better person, i will gladly accept it. But maybe he used e wrong way, negatively. I used to be a really quiet person and keep everyth within myself. He encourage me to voice out for all e good and bad so that we could fix things together. But when all arguments are hopeless fight for me, I am reluctant speak out anymore.

 

The pictures thing is something YOU need to get over. We all have a past and I don't believe we should erase part of our lives because our partner is insecure. I have ex girlfriends who I have no interest in ever seeing again but I still haven't deleted my photos with them because that's a part of MY LIFE. Our pictures are a record of who we are. Would you want him to delete his prom photos because he took another girl? I'm not trying to sound mean but this kind of insecurity poisons relationships.

 

As for the other stuff...it's hard to say. It's understandable that you're concerned that he hasn't introduced you to his family. I don't know if you should stay with this dude but, if you confront him, focus on what matters (like the family stuff), and not on silly things like pictures.

 

Yes, I do agree i have to get over it somehow. It is not easy but i'll try my best.

 

Are you asking him to delete his old photos from social media, or to delete them completely? It's reasonable to ask for them to be deleted from social media, but you're expecting far too much if you think he should delete his files/destroy his albums. Out of sight/out of mind should be sufficient.

 

I don't like that he nags you to not drink and sends you home from work. Does he think he's your father?

 

Two months without meeting his parents is not a long time. A lot of people don't make a relationship public until it's looking like it may last the distance.

 

Initially it was from social media only, it took him abt a month to get it done. His status is still single, I couldnt get to post any photos of us and tag him or else his family would have found out.

then recently i was browsing his phone for e first time out of boredness ( I DON'T read or check any of his msg), he allows me to use his phone. and yep i saw those pics, he grab his phone back cox he knew im gonna get jealous again. I tried to keep a straight face until hours later we happened to talk abt it n e argument began.

I am someone who didnt exist in his family mind. I honestly dont mind not meeting now. BUT he was e one who asked me then took his words back. It really doesnt feel good at all.

[Gaeta]

I am dating this guy for a couple of months now, he just broke off with his ex-gf before we got together. .

You start by not dating men freshly out of relationships, as simple as that.

[jellyy]

See that is why his stated reason is BS. He told you he wants to keep you away from his family so they won't think YOU caused him to break up with his long time GF. If his reputation is that he's a good guy & a good son, then you some random woman would not be able to persuade him to cheat or to dump a GF if that relationship had been working. For appearance sake alone you'd think he would not hide you. By keeping you in the shadows he's showing himself to be a man who lacks integrity & also one who needs external validation. Both are lousy qualities in a long term partner.

 

Of cox i am upset with it again, he gave in in e end but said that if his family think badly abt me, dont regret it.

 

We planned to go over in Sept and alr took leave from work. But then now I am hesitating, because I want him to introduce me willingly and not because i was upset and he did it for e sake of it.

[smackie9]

like I always say you date those who treat you the way you want and expect to be treated....he isn't doing that. You are feeling helpless and worried. That's not right. Things should be smooth sailing, and great.

[Rockdad]

How to stop being jealous and insecure? What a good question. That's something I haven't given much thought about? My ex was extremely jealous type and all I knew was it was a pain in the butt living around everyday. My wife and I both haven't one jealous bone to be found. Even when cheating isn't a factor some people seem to be born that way. So how does one overcome a jealous nature?

[d0nnivain]

We planned to go over in Sept and alr took leave from work. But then now I am hesitating, because I want him to introduce me willingly and not because i was upset and he did it for e sake of it.

 

It's already planned & scheduled. Just go.

 

See what you learn from being there.

[glows]

He's a complete idiot. Why are you with this man? He's NOT over his ex. I'm not going to mince this for you. Listen to your gut feelings and LOOK at what he's doing squarely. Don't dumb yourself down.

 

1) He's behaving like a child when it comes to being respectable and considerate regarding photos of his ex and removing them. That is unacceptable and irresponsible. No one woman he dates should be subjected to that behaviour.

 

2) He's worrying about what his family thinks about his EX relationship instead of focusing on your relationship together. This is a massive red flag. I think you should hold your horses being introduced to anyone he knows and stop the obsessive/compulsive need to be accepted by his family. If his family is anything like HIM, you are in for serious trouble.

 

Think through this carefully. I would not go on the trip due to the dysfunctional nature of the relationship and because you should be making a point about YOURSELF. This isn't about him or his family. It's about you and what decent people ought to do in a mutually respectful relationship. This is not a mutually respectful relationship. It's basically you and his head up his ass. Don't play into it.

[misspalmy]

does he have kids to his ex? if so could be reason hes keeping them. for the kids,

 

if no kids then he may still have feeling for her