imsosad Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Hello all, My situation is as follows. I was married for 15 years, with four children. Their ages range between highschool and kindergarden. I had a very short emotinal affair with a married man and father of two. I broke it off and went NC. A year later we resumed our relationship. By then, he had already left his marital home. I soon followed. We both divorced and have been in a relationship for nearly three years. We are not living together, as we wanted to let our ex spouses and children adjust to this new situation. We have been very careful in introducing each other to our children, and have been trying to take things slow and think through every step. We haven't always made the best choices, before and after our divorces, but things have been going smoothly for a while now, and we feel it's time to move in together, before we decide to marry. I would appreciate any advice on blending my four kids and his two. His children are younger than mine. We live within minutes of each other, so no one has to change schools. My house is bigger, and can accomodate everyone, but would it be better to move to a new house? So that my children don't feel invaded and his don't feel like guests? We are trying to decide what to do about visitation. For example, should we have all six children one weekend, and a totally private weekend the following week? If we do this, should we spend the weekends alk together or each parent alone with their children? We thought maybe it would be better for the kids to alternate weekends, so thay each time, one set of kuds recieves our full attention. But that would mean no alone time for us Please share from experience or common sense. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I think it’s a great idea - provided finances allow it - to purchase a new home and get all the kids involved in the process, so that everybody can feel like it’s a new start for everybody involved. And I’m sure it’s gonna help with bringing more balance to the family, as opposed to, for example, your kids feeling like it’s their home, and not everybody else’s, if you keep yours. Wrt the parenting schedule, I would prefer a weekend sans kids, i.e. all of them together during one weekend, and I’m sure you can still be there 100% for yours, and he can be there 100% for his. In general, I think a set schedule is helpful, but it should be flexible, like, let’s say you have theater tickets, you can switch weekends with your ex, etc., provided that he’s on board with that. And your bfs ex is on board with that. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 If I were your bf’s kids, I honestly wouldn’t want my home to suddenly explode with 4 more kids from other parents. Why don’t you just maintain 2 households until at least most of your kids are out of the house? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 If I were your bf’s kids, I honestly wouldn’t want my home to suddenly explode with 4 more kids from other parents. Why don’t you just maintain 2 households until at least most of your kids are out of the house? I think that will be the ideal way, but I think they’ve been doing this for quite a while now, so they’re ready to move in together. But you’re right. They would be better off maintaining two households. I would be all for that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 If I were your bf’s kids, I honestly wouldn’t want my home to suddenly explode with 4 more kids from other parents. Why don’t you just maintain 2 households until at least most of your kids are out of the house? And oh, please move to a new house if you have to move in now. But I just can't imagine having to live with the 4 kids of my daddy's girlfriend. And what makes you think you and your boyfriend both have complete say on your respective custody schedules? Link to post Share on other sites
startingagain15 Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 (edited) I have four kids and my now husband has two. We waited to get married and move in together until his youngest was 18 (4 years since we started dating). It just would have been asking too much for his children to give up everything and move into a house with my four kids. I agree with the others to wait if it's at all possible. Otherwise idk, I would probably have one set of kids one weekend and the other on the other weekend. Alone time would be nice for your relationship, but the kids will have to be the priority at this point. (My first husband died, so I have my four all the time, so no weekends off, I know it's tough.) ETA: I just saw that his kids are younger. That's tough. I guess waiting isn't much of an option then. You'll just have to try things and see what works I guess. Do you have enough room for all 6 kids where they won't have to share rooms with their non-siblings? I would maybe wait to move in together until you get married and then move into a new house all together. Edited August 20, 2018 by startingagain15 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 What are the exact ages of the children? I would not recommend buying a house together before getting married. Maybe wait a couple more years, until at least some of your kids move out and then just get married and move into a new house. Keep two households until then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imsosad Posted August 20, 2018 Author Share Posted August 20, 2018 Thank you, everyone, for your input. My children are , 15, 11, 9, 5 His are 6 and 3 We can move to a house that enables each child to have their own room (plus a big back yard). We now live in the city, that would mean moving to a suburb, about half an hour away. Problem with moving is changing schools for some of the children. What kind of problems can I expect? What are common issues you'd expect, from your experience? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah2 Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 what is your custody arrangement now...? what will it be in the future - would all 6 kids live with you two, full time? do you & your partner both have primary custody over your kids or do you share with your exes? from experience - the thing about each parent hanging out with their child, that's a bad idea. you're now a blended family & should spend time ALL together. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 I don't think you should buy a house together prior to marriage. What is the current custody arrangement? Link to post Share on other sites
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