20, Virgin and its eating me inside

[woninnok]

This may sound strange, but I’m a highly unconventional 20 year old virgin. I’m extroverted, very confident, have a large social circle and am usually ‘the life of the party’. Plus, I’m pretty good looking - I never had issues getting one-night hookups(making out) and getting a girl’s attention. But I’ve had issues forming romantic relationships since a) I had a negative experience with my first girlfriend back in the 7th grade and b) I had an ‘encounter’ with OCD, which manifested initially in the first grade of highschool, with its effects on my character lasting through to the 2nd grade.

 

So, let me explain... The first problem was that with this first girlfriend of mine, I was being pushed into it by my peers. I was always hanging out with the cool kids so to speak, I was one let’s say, and I was expected to get girls and such. And after we were together, my friends didn’t make it easy either, with constant harassing on how we should publicly kiss and how I should do this or that(It felt like a burden). What this created, in retrospect, is a subconscious cognitive connection between relationships and bad emotions.

 

We ended our relationship pretty quickly, and I never even tried to pursue girls untill later in high school - under the pretense that I don’t have to have a girlfriend in junior high, Its only expected to have one in high school( it was then being prolonged until social pressure started mounting). I was basically subconsciously avoiding this negative feeling I’ve inherited from this ‘first relationship’. What happened then at the beginning of high school was just sad. I had a complete involuntary transformation of character. A host of psychological problems started occuring, and I didn’t know what they were or how to handle them and I quickly became their puppet.

 

Now, I’m able to recognize them and control them with great efficiency, but then, they consumed me... Anyways, what happened was I had all those irrational thoughts coming into my head, that I’m a sinner and if I do some things that I enjoyed doing before, I am going to hell (I was raised in a moderate Catholic family, but for some reason, thats where this illness started striking me). So instead of facing this ‘virus’ that attacked me, I went with it. I effectively went from a cool kid, with all his mannerisms, labels and expectations, to a highly religious kid who was constantly waiting for a confession to get his compulsion from his obsession which was basically an act I considered a sin(we all know how many traditional Christian sins are considered normal and expected behaviour from millenial teenagers...).

 

But I progressed. I loosed free from my OCD chains in a series of events in the 2nd grade of high school and voila, I was stepping in an unexpected identity crisis. I started hanging with some of my former ‘cool’ friends which I, I guess intrinsically already, enjoyed more than the ones I made during those two first years of highschool. I wanted to reclaim my former lost status and I again gradually completely changed my behaviour(which was more or less just letting loose my natural tendecy towards extroversion, the need to be in the center of attention, plus my picked up childhood boyish bravado a.k.a. ‘bad boyism’). But because of this dark chapter in my life, and inexperience with women, plus the fact that I went to a Catholic highschool(which I picked, as opposed to the public junior high i went to before) where not many were having sex,

 

I was very hesitant with my pursuit of women and felt no need for it. A couple of my close ‘cool’ friends knew about my virginity and weren’t bothered since we were childhood friends, but as I got older I started lying about it. My social circle was widening, people liked me, I was also good with girls, I had alot of one night hook ups at parties, etc., but I never went any further. If a hook up turned into sex and she finds out I am a virgin by the quality of sex and this gets known, I lose a lot of reputation. And it would be shameful to be a virgin in my social circle at 17,18,19... Long term relationships didn’t work either. Firstly, I didn’t pursue them very actively and secondly, the ones I did just failed in the building steps for some reason.

 

So, now I’m 20 and I know this is all bull**** and I should pursue girls normally and more actively, knowing I have the confidence, looks, status and charisma to do so, but there’s this catch. I can’t help falling into depression constantly about it. My mind is telling me that I’m a loser, I’ve wasted my highschool years, never having a highschool sweetheart, wasted my sexual opportunities(which I had many) and when I want to pursue an attractive girl I feel like she will immediately lose attraction when she finds out that I’m a virgin. I can’t help it. I have bouts of depression and I don’t know how to help myself.

 

They just won’t go away. I can’t get this thought, this idea of missing out and fear of a relationship when she finds out out of my head. What should I do? Thank you a lot for your time in reading this, I’m sorry for the long post and I hope you have a great day!

Edited August 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Part of me thinks you are over analyzing all of this & in doing so are making yourself crazy.

 

7th grade was a long time ago. Things that upset you in junior high should be long forgotten now that you are an adult. Even your friends who bullied you into acting a certain way have hopefully matured. You have to kick them out of your head & remind yourself to approach life & dating from a more mature place.

 

Go with the flow a bit more. Don't analyze everything to death. Just be in the moment. Learn about a concept called mindfulness & apply it's teachings to your life. You don't have to figure out every problem right now. You can simply enjoy the moment & feel the sun on your face.

 

If religion is an over arching issue speak to a priest. Read some of the books by Pope Francis. God is forgiving & wants His people to be happy.

 

Try to remember that being a virgin is not a disease. It's just a state. As an extrovert who is generally good with people, when the time comes instinct will take over & You will know what to do. Try to relax.

 

If doing any or all of that on your own feels overwhelming reach out for a therapist. I'm not saying there is something wrong with you. Just that you need a person to talk to.

[preraph]

I think I understand. You did go through a weird troublesome period there, and that might be something to run by a psychologist somewhere down the line in case there was a chemical component that might return.

 

Anyway, so now because of being pushed by your silly friends to be someone you weren't and reach some sort of level you weren't ready for, you have actually bought into their pressure and feel like because you never got comfortable with that, that they are right and you are inadequate. I promise you this is not the case. You bought their nonsense. Between all of you, they're the ones who wanted to live through you because you were outgoing, rather than take those same chances themselves, or who expected you to be at the same place in development as they were or ahead of them. They were idiots!

 

Now you are afraid some woman will think you're crap in bed and know you're a virgin. I am a woman. I was in my 20s in the sexual free 1970s. Please believe this if you believe nothing else I'm going to say:

 

How good a man is in bed has NOTHING to do with how many partners he's had. MOST guys are crap in bed! It takes for a man to have a longterm relationship with a woman who communicates well to teach him when to do what -- and even then, that is only THAT woman's preferences, because women and what they like are all different. Some like intercourse, some only get off with outside stimulation, some like it hard, some like it gentle, some like it gentle, then hard.

 

There's no denying that deck is stacked against men. We're all annoyingly different! We don't all like 20 minutes of intercourse, so never worry about not lasting long enough. It's usually best to spend a lot of time on foreplay before you go all in though. Most women can agree on that. I've never heard any of my friends say "I hate foreplay." And that doesn't have to be anything exotic. The most common mistake is "hitting the bases." This isn't a home run, so you need to linger on each base if she's enjoying it rather than hit and run.

 

My point is that a woman can't tell you're a virgin. I accidentally had sex with a virgin and 30 years later, we caught up with each other, and he said he'd always remember me and I'd always be special because I was his first. I had no memory of that at all, which shocked him. I mean, I do remember it was 4 in the morning, he was visiting from out of town, and I just wanted to go to bed already because I was tired and drunk, and whatever happened after that was nice but I had no clue he was a virgin. I always thought he was very sensuous and sexy in bed.

 

So they won't even know, and the fact you're otherwise gregarious means they'll never even suspect it. If you're affectionate, they'll like that. If it's someone you end up seeing again, you can start asking what she likes or she can start saying, "over here," etc. And that's how you eventually learn more. But most women just want an affectionate guy, but not to the extent they're clingy.

 

Stop worrying. Most guys are mediocre in bed, especially one-night stands or hookups. Women don't care all that much and if they start caring, they can start guiding you at any point.

 

Also, you're only 20. That's not old to be a virgin. Don't put that stigma on yourself. Find a nice girl and take her out and see where it goes. Good luck.

[smackie9]

This is what you do....go out of town and pursue a fun night of romping. Who cares what she thinks of the sex, and she doesn't know you so no one will even know in your group. Get it out of your system. Once you get over that initial "hump", it will all be different for you....your anxiety and all this other crap will be gone. From there it's all going forward.

[Macaronie]

Sounds to me like you are having an identity crisis where you're not (and still aren't) truly happy in who you are so you try and choose a role for yourself - whether this be a cool kid or a religious person.

 

This unhappiness could be in part because the romantic area of your life is lacking and I think maybe what bothers you more is the belief that you're not normal. Forget this. I lost my virginity at 21 and the guy I was dating didn't care one jot. There are more older virgins out there than you think - I know 3 who are all older than 35! Take things at your own pace and remember there is no such thing as normal! You'll lose it when you're ready to.

[snowboy91]

7th grade was a long time ago. Things that upset you in junior high should be long forgotten now that you are an adult. Even your friends who bullied you into acting a certain way have hopefully matured. You have to kick them out of your head & remind yourself to approach life & dating from a more mature place.

 

Couldn't agree with this more. As you go into your 20s people the attitudes of those around you change a lot, people often become a lot less judgemental. Unfortunately a lot of the coping mechanisms we learn in our teenage years carry on into our adult years, and many of these strategies end up being detrimental to forming relationships in your 20s. As someone who's had to unlearn those strategies, I sort of know how you feel (different strategies but same deal).

 

I'll also say that what happens in high school has no bearing on your adult life. I didn't lose my virginity until I was almost 21, and while I do feel like I missed out on some things in high school, I've more than made up for it at uni and throughout my 20s. But at the time inexperience was never an issue, as I said, people tend to be a lot less judgemental about a lot of things in their adult years. Also, people with sexual experience may not be great the first time they have sex with a new partner, just take the time to learn about what your partner likes.

 

In any case, take things at your own pace and allow yourself to get help as you may need it. Contrary to what some may think, your best years are ahead of you, enjoy!

[woninnok]

Thanks for all the answers, they”ve been really helpful. As someone mentioned, it might be an ongoing identity crisis... Me just trying to filter or ditch the social tags that I put on myself before. Hopefully I can put that thing behind me and start focusing on the future. Hopefully I will stop thinking that I didn’t have a highschool sweetheart or that I had no sexual experience untill my twenties. Somehow I have to get it out of my head. Again, thank you for your help and I hope you continue to have a fulfilling life

[guest569]

You seem obsessed with status and being cool, charismatic and socially accepted. Like this is the most important thing. Find yourself, and learn to love and accept yourself. 20 is so damn young. So many virgins at your age.