Girlfriend told me she cheated on ex..

[Utsuo]

Hi.. I'm new here and I'm seeking some advice...

 

My name is Utsuo and I'm in a serious relationship with my girlfriend for more than a year now. Our relationship is going along so well and we are deeply in love. I can vouch for her because she already did a lot of things to prove that to me. We had some troubles during our dating and she had innumerous chances to break up with me, but chose to have patience. We even talk about marriage and stuff.. So far so good but now comes the problem...

 

Yesterday she told me that she cheated a couple of times on her ex boyfriend. She's 23 and the cheating happened when she was 17-18. So not a long time ago. I was so shocked and disappointed.

 

So she said that she had feelings for him but did it anyway. First time she cheated they broke up, but got together again and she did it again. So she started to regret what she was doing with the boy and decided to break up with him for serious because realized that it was making him suffer a lot.

 

And now I don't know what to do. I value trust and faithfulness and now I'm feeling so much disapointment and algo cheated in some way. My blind trust in her got shattered and I don't know if I can keep up with her. People change but when it comes to cheating.. I don't know.. I hate it so much. I know she really loves me but the idea of not trusting 100% in her and the doubts of possible future affais makes me sick.

 

What should I do? The doubts are consuming me:(

 

And sorry for my broken english.

[BillPaxton2424]

Dump her now. She will cheat on you too.

[BaileyB]

Yesterday she told me that she cheated a couple of times on her ex boyfriend. She's 23 and the cheating happened when she was 17-18. So not a long time ago. I was so shocked and disappointed.

 

So she said that she had feelings for him but did it anyway. First time she cheated they broke up, but got together again and she did it again. So she started to regret what she was doing with the boy and decided to break up with him for serious because realized that it was making him suffer a lot.

 

I would like to say that she was young, and she has matured more now...

 

But, I don't hear much remorse or any indication that she has learned from her mistakes... In fact, she cheated, and then she cheated again, on the same guy!

 

For that reason, I would break up with her. I'm sorry.

[Utsuo]

Dump her now. She will cheat on you too.

 

That what I'm inclined to think but also not. My mind is kinda melted now

 

I would like to say that she was young, and she has matured more now...

 

But, I don't hear much remorse or any indication that she has learned from her mistakes... In fact, she cheated, and then she cheated again, on the same guy!

 

For that reason, I would break up with her. I'm sorry.

 

She said that she regreat it and wouldn't do this anymore, especially with me and now despises cheating. That's why she decided to break up for good at that time. He was her second boyfriend and with the first, there was no cheating. So yes, she wasn't inexperienced with relationships and sex, but was imature. I'm 24 and inexperienced. This is my first serious relationship and my first real girlfriend. All my previous ones were just little adventures, but I never cheated and hate it.

 

Anyway, I'm finding really tough to come with an decision to break up or not. The trust isn't going to be the same and I value it so much. But I also don't want to be too harsh because she already did a lot of good things for me and proved her love. It looks like she really changed and wants so make things right, but when comes to loyalty in the future... My mind is splited:(

Edited August 19, 2018 by Utsuo

[smackie9]

Maybe she told you because it weighs heavy on her conscience. You are very special to her, and she wanted to be open with everything before she moves forward with a future with you. It was a growing time for her, she didn't know herself then....but what teenager does? 5 years at that is is a long time. She's an adult now, she understands what she did was wrong. How else can it be? you find out from someone else? If she was a serial cheater, like she would tell you anything about it, right? Sorry she's not the angle you thought she was, but oh well, most people have a past, and lord knows nobody's perfect. It is what it is. I don't think you should breakup over this.

[MalachiX]

People can change. She did this five years ago when she was still a kid. Were I in your position it would probably bother me as well but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. The important thing is that she's honest with you now.

 

I've never cheated on anyone and, as far as I know, I haven't been cheated on. I usually tell people who I'm serious with that I'd rather they break up with me than cheat on me (just text me from the hotel or something )

 

No one can tell you "this girl will never cheat again." It's a risk. HOWEVER, it doesn't seem very healthy to spend your relationship judging people for mistakes they made years ago.

[Utsuo]

Maybe she told you because it weighs heavy on her conscience. You are very special to her, and she wanted to be open with everything before she moves forward with a future with you. It was a growing time for her, she didn't know herself then....but what teenager does? 5 years at that is is a long time. She's an adult now, she understands what she did was wrong. How else can it be? you find out from someone else? If she was a serial cheater, like she would tell you anything about it, right? Sorry she's not the angle you thought she was, but oh well, most people have a past, and lord knows nobody's perfect. It is what it is. I don't think you should breakup over this.

 

I thought that too. I don't doubt her love for me and this is why I thinking carefully about everything. I think 5 years isn't a long period but we are constantly changing, so I believe she's mature now. Maybe I was idealizing her and the perfect relationship idea too much.

 

People can change. She did this five years ago when she was still a kid. Were I in your position it would probably bother me as well but it wouldn't be a deal breaker. The important thing is that she's honest with you now.

 

I've never cheated on anyone and, as far as I know, I haven't been cheated on. I usually tell people who I'm serious with that I'd rather they break up with me than cheat on me (just text me from the hotel or something )

 

No one can tell you "this girl will never cheat again." It's a risk. HOWEVER, it doesn't seem very healthy to spend your relationship judging people for mistakes they made years ago.

 

True. This risk is what's killing me. Yesterday I asked to her to come talk to me. We're here at the university and we'll have a conversation later. I'm going to say everything I'm feeling now and also try to see her point better. The more I think about her cheating in the past, the more I get disappointment, but I will try to go with a clean head and not judge.. Too much. But the break up route isn't completely out of question yet. Let's see what's going to happen.

 

I will give the update here later.

[usa1ah]

Growing time or not she still cheated twice.

[Utsuo]

Growing time or not she still cheated twice.

 

Yes. Sucks a hell lot..

 

That's one of the things I want her to clarify.

 

Just why.

[d0nnivain]

She was a 17 year old child when she made a mistake. She is now a 23 year old adult who has presumably matured. She disclosed something to you that she didn't have to tell you. One childish error a lifetime ago does not make her a perpetual cheater. If she has been faithful & good to you, assess her character on the woman she is now not the child she was in high school. Especially if she's remorseful, this should not be a deal breaker.

 

However, if you think you are not going to be able to get passed this or you find yourself emotionally punishing her, just let her go. She deserves better & you need to be with somebody else.

[Utsuo]

She was a 17 year old child when she made a mistake. She is now a 23 year old adult who has presumably matured. She disclosed something to you that she didn't have to tell you. One childish error a lifetime ago does not make her a perpetual cheater. If she has been faithful & good to you, assess her character on the woman she is now not the child she was in high school. Especially if she's remorseful, this should not be a deal breaker.

 

However, if you think you are not going to be able to get passed this or you find yourself emotionally punishing her, just let her go. She deserves better & you need to be with somebody else.

 

Point taken.

 

Actually I had a lot of problems and things that affected our relationship and thought I was just making her unhappy, so I decided multiple times to break up for her sake, but she refused and things came to get better.

 

I'm very immature when it comes to serious relationships, both emotionally and mentally. That's why I'm taking everything in consideration. I don't want to punish her or something like that, but I feeling that I need to know more about it, so I can stop making assumptions in my mind.

Edited August 20, 2018 by Utsuo

[smackie9]

She probably didn't leave her BF because she was emotionally attached, but had enough low self esteem to want the attention of another guy to boost herself emotionally....it happens especially in young people who don't know how to control these strong emotions....her brain was developing, and not every teenager makes good choices. There are spikes of dopamine because of the new experience, like an addictive drug, they lose all perspective.

 

 

 

BUT I tell you this we've had adults post threads on here that never had a history of cheating, end up cheating. They come here grieving and confused as to why they made that choice. So not everyone is immune to the prospect of cheating. It can be you one day.

 

 

 

And yes 5-6 years from 17-18 to 23 is a big jump in age maturity wise for sure. You are going from high school, living with your parents to, working and living on your own in that span is a huge difference in mentality.

 

 

 

At 54, I have learned over the years that, relationships are always a gamble no matter how much you put yourself into them. Life gives no guarantees, ever. S&*% happens because life happens. Just the way it is.

[Utsuo]

She probably didn't leave her BF because she was emotionally attached, but had enough low self esteem to want the attention of another guy to boost herself emotionally....it happens especially in young people who don't know how to control these strong emotions....her brain was developing, and not every teenager makes good choices. There are spikes of dopamine because of the new experience, like an addictive drug, they lose all perspective.

 

 

 

BUT I tell you this we've had adults post threads on here that never had a history of cheating, end up cheating. They come here grieving and confused as to why they made that choice. So not everyone is immune to the prospect of cheating. It can be you one day.

 

 

 

And yes 5-6 years from 17-18 to 23 is a big jump in age maturity wise for sure. You are going from high school, living with your parents to, working and living on your own in that span is a huge difference in mentality.

 

 

 

At 54, I have learned over the years that, relationships are always a gamble no matter how much you put yourself into them. Life gives no guarantees, ever. S&*% happens because life happens. Just the way it is.

 

I know a little about addiction myself .. Not drug related but close. I want to think that it was just some really bad judment and decision because of her immaturity. I know how a adventorus feeling looks like, so I will take that into consideration..

 

I'm going to talk to her now and will post the update here later..

 

Good luck for us.

[d0nnivain]

I'm very immature when it comes to serious relationships, both emotionally and mentally. That's why I'm taking everything in consideration. I don't want to punish her or something like that, but I feeling that I need to know more about it, so I can stop making assumptions in my mind.

 

Knowing more about it is the worst thing you can do. You know enough. When she was in HS she cheated on her BF. She felt so bad about she broke up with him. What else is there? She doesn't know why she did that. No 17-18 year old has that level of insight. If you start asking detailed Qs & heaven forbid your GF is dumb enough to give you answers you are going to have more pictures in your head & those will ruin your relationship.

 

All you need to know is she made a mistake, she corrected it, she is remorseful & now she's a changed person.

[Utsuo]

Knowing more about it is the worst thing you can do. You know enough. When she was in HS she cheated on her BF. She felt so bad about she broke up with him. What else is there? She doesn't know why she did that. No 17-18 year old has that level of insight. If you start asking detailed Qs & heaven forbid your GF is dumb enough to give you answers you are going to have more pictures in your head & those will ruin your relationship.

 

All you need to know is she made a mistake, she corrected it, she is remorseful & now she's a changed person.

 

I asked for details and she told me. Actually I wasn't that shocked anymore. Let me go full Jack The Ripper mode and go piece by piece on this.

 

We met yesterday and she looked like she spent her weekend crying. Red eyes and a very cold face. So we started to talk and I told her what I was feeling, like disappointment and angriness, but I knew that I was beeing too much judgemental on her, so I asked her about that cheating past, because I needed to know for the sake of my mind and emotions at the moment.

 

So basically, that second boyfriend was actually her affair. He was a friend of her first boyfriend. She already had told me in the past that the first one was too much fast on things, like asking to marry and stuff (she was 16 to 17 at that time, so very very immature), but she wasn't that engaged on relationship stuff yet. She met his friend, started to like him and started a case. Then she broke up with the first one and started dating his friend for real.

 

She told me that she liked him, but things didn't work out and they broke up for a while. That was when she met a new guy and started to date him, but also tried to make up things with the ex.

 

Fast foward.. She was divided by these two guys and in the end decided to end everything with both. She was 17 to 18 at that time and after that, chose to stay single until she met me with 22 (I was 23).

 

I knew I was missing something. When she told me about it in the first time, I was so shocked that I almost shut off and didn't pay much attention. Just thinking "how is that possible?" and started to hear just what I wanted. So yeah.. My mistake for getting the wrong message and make up things with my mind.

 

She was hurt and sad for me beeing too judgemental and cold with her during the weekend (I didn't contact her), but we talked a lot about our relationship, remembering our history and what need to change for make things work better to us for the future. In the end, we decided to stay togheter and move on.

 

So yeah.. That my resolution. I actually feel relieved for knowing everything. I'm not beeing picturing anything bad or making assumptions anymore. I prefered to know instead of just making my mind go crazy.

 

Thank you for everybody here who gave their opnion on my problem. I'm learning more and more about serious romantic relationships and hope to improve more with this and other experiences, good and bad ones. For the sake of my partner and me.

[Exformer]

I think you overreacted, jumping on her hard with the heavy handed judgement and a weekend of silence. That said, I'm glad that full disclosure put your mind to rest.

 

I understand the thought of needing more information once the cat is out of the bag. I'd prefer to not know things like this about exes/past relationships, unless they concern my current relationship...say for instance a girlfriend still has an ex who acts out and may try to start something with me, and this is the sort of thing the ex is going to throw out.

 

But once I do hear a bit, its hard for me to let go of the bits that feel like red flags, and I also do better with a fuller picture. So, I see where you're coming from on that end.

 

I still can't wrap my head around your girlfriend, out of the blue, bringing up cheating in previous relationships. She had to know that could stir up some issues. Well, I guess if she didn't, she does now.

 

I suggest you consider a different approach to handling this sort of thing in the future. She didn't do anything to you, and she doesn't really owe you an explanation, even though she did give you one this time. Perhaps you can come across a little more understanding toward her the next time she opens up, to encourage her being honest with you. This time, I think the lesson learned was to not share things with you.

 

I probably shouldn't mention it, but juggling through three guys in the span of a couple years, and then going completely single, zero guys, for the next four years...this strikes me as very odd. It makes me think she's leaving out something, whether abuse or a series of flings that didn't amount to full relationships, or something else...not that you should poke around, but just don't be surprised and jump the gun again if you find out there is more to her past than she lets on.

[Utsuo]

I think you overreacted, jumping on her hard with the heavy handed judgement and a weekend of silence. That said, I'm glad that full disclosure put your mind to rest.

 

I understand the thought of needing more information once the cat is out of the bag. I'd prefer to not know things like this about exes/past relationships, unless they concern my current relationship...say for instance a girlfriend still has an ex who acts out and may try to start something with me, and this is the sort of thing the ex is going to throw out.

 

But once I do hear a bit, its hard for me to let go of the bits that feel like red flags, and I also do better with a fuller picture. So, I see where you're coming from on that end.

 

I still can't wrap my head around your girlfriend, out of the blue, bringing up cheating in previous relationships. She had to know that could stir up some issues. Well, I guess if she didn't, she does now.

 

I suggest you consider a different approach to handling this sort of thing in the future. She didn't do anything to you, and she doesn't really owe you an explanation, even though she did give you one this time. Perhaps you can come across a little more understanding toward her the next time she opens up, to encourage her being honest with you. This time, I think the lesson learned was to not share things with you.

 

I probably shouldn't mention it, but juggling through three guys in the span of a couple years, and then going completely single, zero guys, for the next four years...this strikes me as very odd. It makes me think she's leaving out something, whether abuse or a series of flings that didn't amount to full relationships, or something else...not that you should poke around, but just don't be surprised and jump the gun again if you find out there is more to her past than she lets on.

 

I prefer not to know anything about her past relationships too, but in this case I felt that it was necessary. At least my mind is at ease now.

 

As for the sudden cheating past revelation, this was actually accidental. We were hanging ou the day before and took some pictures with my phone. After that we went to an ice cream parlor to.. Ice cream

 

So she took my phone and started to scroll over the photos we had taken. But in my phone there are different folders. Depending on how you take the picture, it will go to it respective folder (selfies, screenshots, etc). So instead of opening the camera roll, she opened the favorites folder and found an old pic of a random fitness model.

 

No, I don't have pics like these anymore and that particularly one was old and got it way before we met. Just completelly forgot about it and to delete it it:rolleyes:.. That was the moment things started...

 

She got jeaulous and angry. As we kept talking about it (not in a fighting way) she told me one of her fears: to be cheated on:(.. Because of her past with this, she's afraid of the same thing happening to her, like karma. So yeah.. She regreted what she did that time and even went back to her religion to seek a new beginning (when she was 18-22).

 

We also decided to not to talk about our romantic past anymore. What we had to learn, we learned. No need to give life to it again. I'm not an angel too.. There are some stuff that I prefer not to reveal to her and I understand that now.