Dilemma with former friend - can't believe I have tolerated this for so long!

[despairingbuttrying]

So I have had this "friend" since around 2004/5 and I have finally decided to cut ties with him once and for all but there is an issue which I'll come to at the end.

 

This guy has always been rather sarcastic and rather attention seeking etc. but at first I found this amusing myself and went along with it, as this is my sense of humour as well.

 

We have stayed in touch and for more than 10 years or so now we have travelled together on mainly short trips, occasionally with others. But he's not someone I have met on a regular basis socially, just occasionally. Anyway, I have finally realised that this guy was never really any kind of friend to begin with. The long and short of it is that he would always find a way/opportunity to poke fun of me at some point when we were with other people in a social setting, whether it was strangers or people I knew. For the last few years it would involve my lack of hair/being bald as I have had a totally shaved head. He would quite often point it out and dish out some kind of stupid joke about it. For example, compared my head to maltesers (chocolate), once I was wearing a hat and took it off and asked a girl who was with us what she thought of my hair etc. Just childish stuff. He is balding himself so I know that this is simply an insecurity and he takes it out on me.

 

 

Among other things he would occasionally make sarcastic, silly comments on my fb photo albums, point out my dark skin complexion, tell me and others with us how I would suck at doing xyz. In general he would just attempt to embarrass me in a subtle and unsubtle manner. Here's the thing though, when it was just me and him, he was fine, no making fun at all, it only happened when there were other people around. The worst thing by far though was about 5/6 years ago on his birthday and I called him just to say I was bringing someone along as a surprise and I didn't want to tell him despite the fact that he carried on asking. I obviously caught him in a bad mood because he then snapped and said "If I was in your situation, I would have killed myself by now" I was literally in shock and just speechless. Even so, I went to his bday and soon forgot about that. I realise that I should have never spoken to him again from that moment.

 

 

I now realise looking back how two faced this is - people who are nice to your face but then the moment there are other people around, they look for any opportunity to make fun of you and embarrass you and put you down. Keep in mind, I have hardly ever spoken badly of him, hardly ever retaliated I guess because I just took it as a joke and pretended I was fine with it. I guess this has been my mistake.

 

 

I finally cut him out 2 years ago. He figured out I removed him from FB, blocked him on my phone etc. but he managed to find a way to contact me and informed me he was getting married. I don't know maybe I just felt for him and figured I'll just go to his wedding. That was fine and he was actually for once being decent. Eventually we had a sit down and he wanted to know why I had cut him out. I explained to him the reasons and simply asked him to stop with the insults and the unnecessary jokes. He never said sorry but just said he understood. We met a couple of times again, with other people too and he was actually fine the entire time, no put downs or anything. At this point I genuinely thought maybe he really has changed and matured due to being married, mid 30s and the fact that I told him as a friend to stop this childish nonsense etc.

 

 

So this summer I invited him and his wife to a week trip with a few other friends of mine. Things were ok for a couple of days but then after dinner on one of the evenings, he crossed the line in a way he hasn't before (certainly not in front of others). We were playing this game, 2 truths and 1 lie and you have to guess the lie. His two truths were that he took a leak (urinated) in the sea near me and that he said my head looked like a malteser in front of my two friends. I was shocked but just didn't know how to respond. He could visibly see I was annoyed and upset but then just continued to use his bullying tactics and say things like “he's about to go and cry” My friend suggested we should play another game and he's like “yeah I want to play around with his (my=me) self-esteem.” It's interesting during this time though his wife wasn't at the table. The next morning though he brought up again and told his wife what happened last night and again he was just laughing about it even though he could see I was unhappy. I got through the last couple of days and we haven't spoken since.

 

 

I can't believe looking back on all this now, how on earth I have tolerated someone who is a downright pathetic bully with a mentality of a 12 year old. I cannot believe I have associated with someone like this for so long. Infact this guy is worse than a bully, as he pretends that we're friends somehow but then will find any opportunity to mock me when we're with other people.

 

 

Anyway, the issue now is that we booked another trip sometime ago for a week in about a months time. I am contemplating selling the tickets or simply going anyway and just ignoring him for the flight there and back. I haven't made accommodation arrangements thankfully. What do you think I should do?

[preraph]

I hope you can get your money back for the tickets.

 

I think you already know basically why he does this because you said his own insecurity. Thing is it's not just about him going bald and it's bigger than that, a low sense of self-worth. So this is called "leveling" and it's about having bad self-esteem, self-worth, and instead of working on it, some people instead build themselves up by trying to make others around them look worse than they are, or "bring them down to their level." This gives them a temporary boost which then dissipates, so they just keep it up.

 

So just telling him to stop, well, you're dealing with a bigger problem than bad jokes. You're dealing with a person who has to tear down others to himself up, a problem which probably started in childhood and isn't going to get better, probably. I've noticed that online, these types are the ones who really go after and criticize the celebrities. Why? Because the more they admire someone, the bigger boost it gives them to feel temporarily superior to them in some aspect!

 

So if it's any consolation, he probably likes you, but he's sick and has to take you down a peg to make himself feel better.

 

No one needs that. If you can cancel the trip, do it. I have a suggestion if you are unable to get a refund. Maybe instead of a refund, you can simply schedule something for yourself NOT when he's going instead.

 

You're best off without him, but if you want to try this, you can. You can bust him on it and tell him that apparently everyone but him knows that people who put down others are building themselves up because they have pitiable low self-worth. There's a small chance he'd start wondering if in fact everyone does know that or give it some thought and realize how people look at him. Probably not though. And it's actually not commonly known. I mean, Dr. Phil has talked about it and articles on psychology, but it's not real well known.

Edited August 20, 2018 by preraph

[O'Malley]

I'd send him a brief email or text that you're cancelling the mutual trip, then attempt to get a refund or sell the tickets. If you're looking forward to that trip and just don't want to socialize with him, go and enjoy yourself. You don't owe him an explanation for what ever decision that you make.

 

At this point your friendship with him is past confrontation and recriminations; you probably will never get an apology from him. If you don't feel your interactions with him to be positive and beneficial it's time to move on and cut contact.

[despairingbuttrying]

Thanks for the replies.

 

It's been more than a week and I'm still thinking about it. Even I'm surprised as to the extent this has affected me. I know it has alot to do with the fact that this guy is someone I've known for almost 15 years so it's just sad and upsetting that I look back on all this and think what was I doing even associating with someone as nasty as him. I'm annoyed with myself that I tolerated so much nonsense.

 

You're right preraph, just telling stop to someone like this doesn't work as inherently they have issues. I like what you said here - "these types are the ones who really go after and criticize the celebrities. Why? Because the more they admire someone, the bigger boost it gives them to feel temporarily superior to them in some aspect!" I suppose there's a small part of me that feels sorry for him but after what I've been through I can't do this anymore. What's more the fact that he hasn't come close to apologising reflects on the person he is. Infact, even during the trip after that night he was still stirring and pushing it by sarcastically telling everyone how I hated him and jokingly said he was scared I might hurt him etc. Just more childish levelling and attention seeking behaviour. It's the whole act of I have to act like an alpha male and put others down so I look cool and come across as dominant. There have things that I could have brought up about him but I'm not a child and refuse to play those games as I know if I did, it would just go back and forth anyway.

 

However, I have decided to still go on the trip. This is a place that I've been looking forward to going and I'm not going to let him, especially after what's happened, affect this. Might be tricky having to deal with him on the flight there and back and we may have to stay together somewhere for a night or two at a hostel but I'm ready for any kind of confrontation that may arise. Any further advice on how to deal with this scenario?

[Standard-Fare]

How many people are involved with the trip, besides you and him? How much would you have to interact with him? (I hope was not reading correctly that you might be sharing a room at one point?)

 

If it's something where you can effectively keep your distance, I think it's still worth going. But if you and him will realistically have to spend a ton of time together, that's not going to end well.

 

Your friend does sound like a bully, but it seems like your responses to him haven't been effective for either of you. You describe a lot of situations where you fail to stand up to him in the moment but stew privately and inflate the conflict in your head. Blocking him on social media/phone was a bit pouty, if he really had no idea what the problem was. And with the latest incident... however much his teasing ruffled your feathers, you shouldn't have given that the power to destroy your evening.

 

The bottom line, though, is that you guys aren't a good match as friends. It sounds like this guy would be better with friends who can dish it right back at him with the teasing. That's not you, and that's ok. You don't have to be friends with people you're incompatible with.

[preraph]

I mean, he's not going to change on the trip. He might be nice to you when no one is looking or something. You'll just have to put up with it, I guess. This probably isn't the time to tell him he's insecure and stir the hornets nest.

[despairingbuttrying]

You don't have to be friends with people you're incompatible with.

 

Well yeah, I'm not a bully.

[despairingbuttrying]

I mean, he's not going to change on the trip. He might be nice to you when no one is looking or something. You'll just have to put up with it, I guess. This probably isn't the time to tell him he's insecure and stir the hornets nest.

 

I know it's not going to be comfortable but there's no way I'm cancelling either. He's expecting us to hang out as usual but no way is that going to happen as I'm going to make my own plans and spend time doing what I want without him. I'm used to it, as I'm a solo traveller anyway. He isn't and might well struggle. I think given how this has affected me, it's almost impossible now not to call him out and tell him everything on my mind. Surely people like this need to be put in their place.

[sadwithouthim]

I think some people just have this style of humor. Think of the celebrity roasts, the aim is to make fun of each other. People tune in and some think it's hilarious.

 

 

I, personally, think it's rude and obnoxious.

 

 

If you have the same style of humor as he does, why are you taking offense to it? Why not give it back to him?

[Carpe Diem]

Friends build each other up, they are generous with their time, advice and compassion. This is a “friend.”

 

Putting down, laughing at, ridiculing, goading etc are actions that are the anthesis of friendship. They are the modis operandi of bullies and ass-h——— the world over.

 

Have strength in yourself and the know with certainty that you are worth more.

 

Just end it. Nobody is making you hang out with this caustic human who constantly works to demean your self worth.