N0rt0n Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 History: Together for 26 years. Married almost 19. 3 Children under 12. Bad Breakup in 2002 (no kids-just us). I wanted out of our marriage. Was miserable. Felt trapped. Left my house and spent time with friends and met some women (no intimacy). Got caught, confronted family and wife, still wanted out but decided to try and make it work. We both agreed to move forward. We did and We started a family. Things have been awesome! Present day (16 years and 3 beautiful kids later). We're both in our 40s. We were both chunky since we had kids. 7 months ago, I decided to get healthy. She followed a month later. We both lost about 50lbs and look\feel great. Noticed my wife became distant 3 months ago. I attributed it to stress. So I gave her space. Then it was getting clear to me that it wasnt stress, it was something else. I confronted her. At first, she blamed the distance on me, implying I was jealous of her weight loss. Not true as I was her biggest supporter. Even purchased Exercise stuff for her the past few months. So not sure where that came from. She said that her "weight loss journey has brought back some demons". And brought up our breakup in 2002. I apologized to her for what had happened but we both agreed to move forward which i thought we did. I was hoping she'd forgive me, and not forget. She's also obsessed with a Tummy Tuck. She loved the attention shes been getting on Social Media for looks. She mentioned for us to see a Marriage Counselor. I agreed and did research. Found 2 places to try and spoke with a therapist at each site for 40 min. When i asked her if she found any Marriage Counselors, she said no. That she would ask her friend for hers this weekend. So far, nothing. Then my wife said she loves me but is numb right now. What does that mean? I just want whats best for my kids. First and Foremost. I broke down the other night and they all saw me. Said I had a sneeze attack that i was ok. But my wife has become a room-mate. No affection. No intimacy. No kisses hello and goodbye. I don't think she's seeing anyone (yet). I trust her and respect her privacy. My question to you. 1. Are those just excuses because she wants to leave me? 2. Should I just present a Divorce to her? I feel I'm ready. 3. Pursue MC with open mind. 4. Should I start speaking to my family (and hers). I don't think anyone is aware of our issues. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Only she knows what it means. I think some of it may be fear. Being 40 & single with 3 kids is no picnic even if you have a hot new body. Go to the Marriage counselor. Fight for your marriage before you throw in the towel. Personally having done a weight loss journey, fixing the marriage seems easier. Plus good sex = good cardio & more weight loss. Hang in there. I know it's trite but bring home some flowers tonight. Tell her you love her & want to work on things. See if that thaws her out a bit Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Welcome to LS... If you felt comfortable with either of the two MC's, make an appointment for the two of you for an initial consultation. She mentioned it first so should be on-board to go. I'd table the other stuff until after a few sessions in MC. See how it goes. If wife feels 'numb' and hasn't had recent physical, suggest that. Cause could be organic. Health changes from weight loss, hormones, etc, etc. Check it out. She said that her "weight loss journey has brought back some demons" Interesting. Don't immediately conclude the demons have to do with you. Save that for MC. Ask her in MC to expand on that. The MC will assist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N0rt0n Posted August 20, 2018 Author Share Posted August 20, 2018 Thanks for the reply. I want to make it work. I understand I need to take the high road. I think that fact that I'm being cast aside is what turns me off the most. I cant help but feeling like "ewww". What happens after her tummy tuck? That'll move me way down the totem pole. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author N0rt0n Posted August 20, 2018 Author Share Posted August 20, 2018 She pretty much validated the Demons were because of me. I understand and apologized (again) for what happened years ago. But we agreed to move on. And I thought we did. Seems like several years and 3 children later, it's coming back. But why now? Is it because of the attention shes getting? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Great questions for MC. Get in front of a neutral trained third party and ask the person who knows all her answers. Listen. 2002 was 16 years ago, so late 20's/early 30's at most. You were both broken up. Avoid making it about you. The focus is the marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 2002 was 16 years ago, so late 20's/early 30's at most. You were both broken up. Avoid making it about you. The focus is the marriage. Bingo. NOrtOn, your wife knows what many generals and NFL coaches have learned - the best defense is a good offense. The more she makes this about you, the less her motives and actions are examined. Don’t let it happen... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 3 kids later whatever happen 16 years ago is not the only thing driving her decisions today. If she was that upset about 2002 she never would have had 3 kids with you. Link to post Share on other sites
WorstFeelingEver Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Hey OP, sorry you are here. I agree with d0nnivain___buy her some flowers, maybe write her a little note. Hopefully the MC works for her. But, man, just stop apologizing to her about what happened 16 years ago, it is making you look weak. it takes TWO to make a relationship work. You apologized then (16 years ago) & you said, you both AGREED to move on and since, had 3 kids together. I am wondering, does she go outside of the home to workout, exercise, etc...? Like a club? If she is, I bet she is getting attention or getting hit on from other guys. Not only that, but now all of a sudden, after losing some weight, she now wants a tummy tuck? I hope I am wrong, but my spidey senses are all over the place. But my wife has become a room-mate. No affection. No intimacy. No kisses hello and goodbye. I agree with other posters, what happened 16 years ago, doesn't sneak up on her all of a sudden, that she does not give you kisses when saying hello, or goodbye to you anymore. OR does not give you affection or intimacy. AND, you have taken time to look at 2 MC, speak with therapists at both of them & your wife hasn't tried looking for a MC??? Again, spidey senses are tingling.... Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Go online and check your phone bill Link to post Share on other sites
Author N0rt0n Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 Thanks guys. Love all the responses. I agree about the apologies. It's exhausting. She exercises at home. If she's getting attention from someone else, it's from Social Media or her Texts. I don't think so but who knows. I don't have access to neither, nor do i want it. I respect her privacy, as I do mine. I also know good guys finish last. I am going to take your advice and not make this about me, and am pursuing the MC's that I found. It's my last resort, because I'm on a string. She's not the same person to me, and I'm losing interest so it's tough. Large part of me is ready to move on. Large part of me wants this to blow up in her face. And the other wants to find my old wife and get back to normal. It's really exhausting. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Not wanting to be a stick in the mud but the most logical reason for bringing up the thing in 2002 is that she has been cheating herself (even just emotionally). An ex dumped me once and started talking about a time I had semi-cheated maybe 6 years earlier. She told me these things during the breakup speech. Of course it made sense later because she had dumped me for another man Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 You must decide if your marriage is worth fighting for. You seem very much on the fence post. If it is worth fighting for stop respecting her 'privacy' and snoop to find out if she is courting (or being courted by) another man. Privacy is having the door closed when you use the bathroom. Secrecy is hiding, deleting, or lying about communication (or other things). One of them is fine in marriage. The other isn't. Don't let 'respecting her privacy' mean that you value her secrecy over your marriage. If it is not worth saving to you, just file and try to be fair and not acrimonious. How very sad if it is not worth fighting for. Best of luck to you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts