Heartwoman Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Hi I'm having a tough time as my affair was close to home so he still wants to be able to visit me and my family but has ended the affair. He was over today texting away and I spotted him looking at a picture of another girl. I can see he is online and it kills me that he's not talking to me. This has been going on for 2 years but through out it he never admitted his feelings mostly he was always trying to fix me but eventually did tell me he loved me. Then he wouldn't make it physical which again made me doubt how much he wanted to be with me. I want to be with him but apart from the fact he's a commitment phobe he's too close to the family. The 2 years has been a whole on off thing he wants me to leave my husband but doesn't want me he said I should leave for myself. Help me.... How can I move on..... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 20, 2018 Share Posted August 20, 2018 Dear Lord. The best thing you can do is stop being around him, period. Full stop. I'm not really sure how you would be able to move on otherwise. That being said I don't have any experience with affairs just relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartwoman Posted August 20, 2018 Author Share Posted August 20, 2018 Thank you for the suggestion it all makes sense but makes withdrawal 100x more painful Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 The only way to get rid of the drug in your system is to flush it. There is no going around this. only through. Cut him out of your life. Suffer the pain. It heals. It gets better. Trust me. It was bad for about a month for me. I suffered badly. Dreams nightmares. Visions. I was a great big dramatic mess. It gets better. Hopefully like me you snap out of it eventually. Also be Careful of how you see your husband. People in affairs are not clear minded about this. It's called marriage history rewriting and most times the ones doing it don't even know what's happening. Look at sites like these. Read about infidelity. It messes with people's heads. Both the cheated on and the people cheating. Cut him out. Suffer through. Post here for tips on how to maintain nc and deal with urges and day dreams and all of the other stuff. Can you talk about your husband and marriage? What exactly is going on there. What little you wrote made it seem as if you want to escape a **** husband. Problem with that is you mention your affair partner is telling you to leave. Just so you know most affair partners make it their duty to poison their ap's mind towards their own spouse. Makes the affair easier. Vilify the husband and the wayward wife starts worshiping the ap as a man's man perfect God man. It's usualy just smoke and mirrors sadly. They tend to support you in everything. They are yes men. Because they don't care. They have no stakes in this. Of course they will tell you you are always right and your husband is secretly a demon sucking your soul out. Most times it's simply not true. But telling you that sure helps buttering you up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 hang in there. xx Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Welcome to LS.... Hi I'm having a tough time as my affair was close to home so he still wants to be able to visit me and my family but has ended the affair. What do you want and do you think his visiting you and your family is healthy? Why or why not? He was over today texting away and I spotted him looking at a picture of another girl. I can see he is online and it kills me that he's not talking to me. This is kind of confusing....he's 'over' but not talking to you? You spotted him looking at a picture of another girl? I presume this means you're in close proximity. Is this at work or home? Perhaps I misunderstand. This has been going on for 2 years but through out it he never admitted his feelings mostly he was always trying to fix me but eventually did tell me he loved me. OK, two years before he admitted any feelings. How long since that time? And why did he want to 'fix' you? Did you need fixing? What? Then he wouldn't make it physical which again made me doubt how much he wanted to be with me. So, this isn't a sexual affair? More of an emotional one? I want to be with him but apart from the fact he's a commitment phobe he's too close to the family. The 2 years has been a whole on off thing he wants me to leave my husband but doesn't want me he said I should leave for myself. Help me.... How can I move on..... Your marriage..... 1. How long? Any children? 2. At the point two years ago when you met, condition of marriage? Good, bad, other? 3. If he wasn't around, would you consider leaving your marriage? Why or why not? How can you move on? If you feel stuck, IMO get some counseling with a IC and specifically instruct them to provide psychological tools to sort out the emotions here and process them to a state where you can make a decision about your marriage. That's job one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartwoman Posted August 22, 2018 Author Share Posted August 22, 2018 Thank you that really helps Adotta. Yes my marriage has never been great from the outset but I just learn to live with it and didn't realise how lonely I had become and what barriers I had up until OM entered my life. As you said he was everything to me my husband wasn't supportive, considered me first, intelligent mentally, when he hugged me I felt immense love this was a biggy for me as my husband is only physical when he wants to touch me sexually. OM recognised this in me and start to suggest I change my behaviour to my husband as I was very defensive and we bickered alot so I did I started to not rise to the bait and felt so much better for it. However as the 2 years progresses OM started on a spiritual journey and would try and make me take on board what he was learning as he thought it would help me stop suffering in life but all I wanted was for him to love me. I asked him this as to if he loved me or wanted to fix me, his answer was if I didn't love you I wouldn't want to fix you. Whenever we texted it was never open I always had to guess and read between the lines. He became very involved in my relationship with my husband in giving me advice and did say my husband didn't deserve me and I was so much better than him. Please don't anyone tell me off but I sort of got addicted to the sympathy and concern and enjoyed sharing when my husband was mean or caused an argument and eventually I told OM this and I cut it down. He continued to suggest the idea of divorce but I have two children and truth be known my marriage has been so much worse in the past even though emotionally I had left the marriage way before OM I was getting on with it. OM just made me feel like what it is to be loved and to be able to love freely without it being abused or taken advantage of. I have never been loved in my 41 years other than from the unconditional love from my kids. But even this wasn't true love because I know I wasn't enough OM didn't want me like i wanted him. This is why my addiction is so bad because the hole inside of me is more apparent now its been temporarily filled, I never knew it was there till OM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartwoman Posted August 22, 2018 Author Share Posted August 22, 2018 (edited) Welcome to LS.... What do you want and do you think his visiting you and your family is healthy? Why or why not? No but I feel I needed to let him do this because otherwise he tells me my love is selfish and not pure. This is kind of confusing....he's 'over' but not talking to you? You spotted him looking at a picture of another girl? I presume this means you're in close proximity. Is this at work or home? Perhaps I misunderstand. OK, two years before he admitted any feelings. How long since that time? And why did he want to 'fix' you? Did you need fixing? What? So, this isn't a sexual affair? More of an emotional one?Yes family friend. He wanted to fix me and my marriage to make life better for me. It did eventually turn physical to a kiss upon my persistance and not long after he wanted to end it as he said my love was just a need to be loved which was selfish and he wasn't sure how much was none selfish as in just for him. Your marriage..... 1. How long? Any children? 3 children 12 years 2. At the point two years ago when you met, condition of marriage? Good, bad, other? Not great emotionally left marriage a long time ago 12 years have been uphill struggle 3. If he wasn't around, would you consider leaving your marriage? Why or why not?No because I feel grateful for what i have it's been so much worse and I see many people unhappy and I don't want to cause upheaval to my children because of my selfish needs. How can you move on? If you feel stuck, IMO get some counseling with a IC and specifically instruct them to provide psychological tools to sort out the emotions here and process them to a state where you can make a decision about your marriage. That's job one. Yes, this is something I will consider. [] ---------------------- This site has helped alot as this is like number 10 in trying to end things. We just made a decision last week, but I am finding it hard really miss him, so thank you for your support and replies it gives me somewhere else to go otherwise it's all just in my head. I am used to having him with me every moment of the day and now NC unless he contacts me. Edited August 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge and clean up quotes.... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 It sounds like he didn't want an affair...at least not physical and wanted to help you through difficult times in your marriage. You became emotionally attached because of the attention from him and he seemed to understand you. That wasn't difficult, because you gave him open access into your marriage, so he could see what you didn't like about your husband and play it to his advantage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartwoman Posted August 22, 2018 Author Share Posted August 22, 2018 To be honest that's how it started out for both of us but feelings did develop only he would always tell me after the fact where as I wore my heart on my sleeve. I suppose like many A it is never going to be clear cut because of that fact. I feel like he awoken so much in me and now he's gone its like having to block that part of me again. Link to post Share on other sites
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