Should I Contact Him After 9 Months to Help Myself?

[JS17]

I broke up with a man that I was in love with in the beginning of this year, it's what brought me to LS. We had a short yet intense relationship but we had been friends first and I believe that he left me for his current girlfriend. I've dated since but have never really gotten past it, nobody has ever hurt me so badly.

 

I spent a lot of time thinking about it this weekend and my friends are realizing just how much it changed me and just how badly I've been burned. There's part of me that never wants to speak to him again and then there's the part of me that is still looking for something to help get past the pain. Maybe I'm looking for some truth, I don't know, I don't trust him anymore so I probably wouldn't believe what he will tell me anyway.

 

I've been contemplating talking to him because I just don't know what to do anymore. It's been a very long time, I should be over this by now. My judgement is being severely clouded by my emotions in this situation. Is it a terrible idea to contact him?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Is it a terrible idea to contact him?

 

First, before you do, think about it really hard and - write down - yes, write down a few things:

 

1. What you plan to say - to the word - make a script (not to read to him - this is for your eyes only).

2. The best case scenario reaction to it.

3. The worst case scenario reaction to it.

4. What it is you want him to say.

5. What it is you don't want him to say.

6. What it is he will say that you think will give you closure.

7. What it is that he will say that you don't think will give you closure.

8. What a "magic" conclusion would be: if you could snap your fingers and things would go 100% your way.

9. What the "worst" conclusion would be: if you were cursed in the most horrible way for things to go as bad as they could.

10. If he died tomorrow (meaning there is a zero chance of closure), what would you be able to give yourself in terms of closure?

11. Since its not likely he's going to die tomorrow, can you give yourself that same closure you would have had to done had he died?

 

Really think about your answers. Answer each question fully, and really put your heart into it. Once you are finished, put your list away and give yourself a week. At the end of the week, read this list again. Then, decide if you are ready to call.

 

At the very least, you will have really had some time to consider a few more angles than you would have by picking up the phone and impulsively dialing with no real clue of what you want to say.

 

You've waited a good few months now. Give yourself just this one more week and do some serious constructive thinking before you decide to call him or not.

[Art_Critic]

I know how you feel .. I to had something similar happen to me.

 

We broke up a little over a year ago and at about the 5 month mark I went thru the same contemplation you are going thru.. Although I knew she already had a new boyfriend.

 

I was mostly over her but I still hurt from the breakup. She was real cruel to me and I wanted final closure.. The kind that wasn't going to come within.

 

So I did call her .. Made a fool out of myself.. Which I knew I was going to because she had a boyfriend but I needed to be able to move on..

In the short 3-5 min phone call I got what I needed and moved on.

 

I will say this though.. I was embarassed and foolish and I'll bet she thought I was a sap .. But I did get what I needed and moved on..

 

That was 7 months ago and I hardly ever think anything about her other than how lucky I am that I'm not her boyfriend anymore.

 

This was the only breakup I've ever had that had any kind of real hold on me.

Even when I got divorced from a 5 year marriage I didn't have any trouble moving on.. But this girl had me..

 

It had something to do with how she treated me during the breakup

 

Now I'm not saying to call him because I believe in the power of NC, But if you do call him prepare yourself for the worst

[JS17]

Thank you both for your advice. This was an extremely complicated relationship so I'm not really sure what i'm looking to accomplish with this phone call. I'm desperate enough to consider it.

[Fallen_Angel]

I agree with Lucrezia.

 

I used to call my ex without really thinking about it. I was swept away by impulse, and eventually regretted those decisions because after I spoke with my ex I felt worse than I did before I called him.

 

I believe you can sum things up best by saying "What do I hope to gain by calling?" I ask myself this now, and I have yet to call (though, granted, it's only been about two weeks).

 

It's not a terrible idea to contact him per se, but you have to be prepared for any possible consequence.

[Art_Critic]

I'm desperate enough to consider it.

 

These words alone should stop you .. STOP and think first before you act.. Then you won't have to react

[Jayhawks]

JS,

Don't call. You do not want to know anything that he will say to you. You feel it will help you but it will just upset you more and you still will not get the answers you think you need. Your emotions are still raw and talking to him will probably turn into anger and you both will say things that should never be uttered to another human being. Believe me, I know. I have been in your situation and I know your pain. You think you would be calm but if he refuses to talk or he says some nasty things or tells you to leave him alone you will be hurt all over again.

 

I think you should do the exercise that Lucrez has suggested and take the time to really think it through. If after that you still want to call then I think you need to do what you think will help you get closure. I personally think that it will do you no good but I am not you and you need to make up your own mind. My advice is to leave it alone and in time your emotions will ebb but do what you must and be prepared for the consequences.

 

Much Love...Jay:love:

[Jayhawks]

That was 7 months ago and I hardly ever think anything about her other than how lucky I am that I'm not her boyfriend anymore.

 

Amen Art. This is the conclusion we ALL have to get to before we can move on. We have to tear them down to muscle and bone and see their inner being. Glad you saw her true self and that you didn't want or need her Art.

[moon]

First I'd rent the movie the Upside of Anger. It's still a new release I think. I'd really think about what you see in that movie.

 

Then I'd write a letter to your ex. I wouldn't call. I'd tell him how he hurt you, what it made you feel like and how it changed you. I'd tell him you'd like some answers and you'd appreciate a phone call or an e-mail back. That's what I did with my ex when he burned me. I did it about nine months after the break up too. He got back to me soon after. I was shocked to find out that so much of what I thought was happening wasn't happening at all. He'd been dumped by a two girls since me (I think a first for him) and was not in a good place at all. He didn't have a job.......I was wondering for a minute how he was going to pay his rent. I actually went and visited him for a weekend. I got all the answers I needed.

 

But I had gone and gotten counseling all along, so I knew where I wanted to draw the line with this guy. My ex asked me to get back together with him. He seemed very needy. I didn't do it. But seriously I have felt soooooooo much better ever since. I got my closure. My ex gave that to me. Karma gave it to me....whatever. So hopefully that'll happen to you too. I'd reach out a bit if that's what you feel you really need. That's really painful though that he left you for an ex. He sounds real wishy washy and not somebody you'd want anyway. Remember that! But I agree sometimes you do need answers. It's up to him if he'll give it to you.

 

Good luck.

[Gottabestrong]

HI JS,

 

I understand how you are feeling. My question would be: Do you still have contact with him?

 

My ex left me 11 months ago after a 2.5 year relationship and I am still not over it or have come to terms with the fact that he left me.

 

I am proud to report that I will soon have completed 6 months of No Contact on my part (besides one impersonal mass-email I sent a month ago, but I will forget that for now).

 

My ex on the other hand has never really disappeared from my life. I used to receive stupid emails and texts all the time. He also resorted to contact my sister on occasion when he realized that I ignored him.

 

Because of his messages I never managed to really get him out of my head and was sooo often tempted to contact him and ask what happened, why he walked out of our life.

 

A short while ago I changed my email address and phone number and told my sister to not tell me in case he contacts her again.

 

Now I am feeling much better and the urge to contact him and ask him what happened has subsided a bit. I am giving myself a deadline of 1 year since the breakup to get over this, if after 1 year (which is in 3 weeks) I still feel bad about this and want to know what happened, I might contact him. I hope I wont though.

 

I don't know whether contacting him would you give you closure or set you back even more. Just wanted to let you know I am in a similar situation.

[NewLee40]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

I don't think you should call him. The reason is simple.

 

You are in pain and you are seeking relief from the SOURCE of your pain. That never works. I'm not saying he's an addiction to you necessarily, but that's what alcoholics do. They know the booze is bad for them and hurts them, but they think just a little bit will ease the pain enough so they can cope.

 

It won't ease your pain honey....it will likely make it worse. Give it more time and as Art said, the desparation you feel is reason enough to stay away.

[JS17]

At this point I don't plan on calling him. As I said, this was a very complicated relationship but there are a lot of things that I never really got to say to him , the consequences of things that I did for him and I wonder if that is why I've wanted to get in touch with him. He left me with a lot of physical and emotional things to deal with and he doesn't even know about it.

 

I've been over him for a very long time. He's a narcissistic jerk, I haven't wanted to be with him since shortly after we broke up and he was absolutely brutal during the break up. Writing to him won't help, he's happily with the woman that I believe he left me for and has since finished grad school and gotten a job. He's leading the life that he's wanted with the woman that he wanted, his perfect girlfriend.

 

I'm just trying to figure out why I can not get past the pain after all this time when I've been over him for a very long time. I'm not sure calling him will help so I won't do it until I am sure.

 

Thanks all for your thoughts.

[NewLee40]

Well, understand this....

 

If he truly is a narcissistic jerk, trying to get solace by making him understand how badly he hurt you or the mess he left in his wake is an exercise in futility.

 

Narcissists lack empathy for the pain of other people, especially the pain they may have caused. Even if you could express to him exactly what you feel you need to express, chances are he would never comprehend the depth or the significance of what he has done.

 

Rather, he might be even more brutal or say things to make you feel like your reaction to all that he did was a REASON to break up with you..i.e., look how weak and pitful you are....

 

You aren't weak and pitiful, but narcisissts are experts at deflecting blame. Engaging with him is just asking to be hurt further.

 

I sincerely doubt he is happy, becuase people like that are rarely happy for long. He may be in a honeymoon period, but that won't last.

 

And if it does last? Well, if you love him then you do want him to be happy. And you deserve nothing less than that for yourself.

 

And for what its worth, I don't think you are really over him. You may be over the idea that he's the guy for you. You may be realistic about the flaws in the relationship and in him. You may not want to go back to him. But, that's not the same as being over him.

 

I'm sure I will never be with my ex again and I'm sure that I don't want to be with him. But, it will be a long time before I'm over him. There are physical and emotional wounds he left me, too. He will never understand what he's done. He will never really be sorry for it either.

 

But that's ok, because I won't be his victim forever. I am not going to let him take away anything more from me. You shouldn't either.

[francis]

new lee's advice is absolutely spot on...perfect and absolutely right

[JS17]

Thanks Lee. Yes I know that he doesn't care and he hasn't contacted me since shortly after we broke up...which was actually only responses to me contacting him.

 

You're absolutely right, just after we broke I told him that I was sad that he couldn't feel about me the same way about me but I understood why. It was difficult that he seemed to be able to get over this so fast, erase me, and move on when I was having so much trouble even though I knew we were wrong for each other. To that I received an email saying:

 

"I understand that you have a lot of difficulty channeling your emotions. You found somethign new to aim your sadness and anger at. But really, its not a big deal at all. The reason i am doing so well with this is because you are making it very easy for me move on. With all the things I have going on I dont need this and you are acting in a way that is making me better and better understand why we can't be together."

 

He'll never understand nor care and perhaps that is what has held me back for so long.

[JS17]

I wasn't really thinking...it's been 8 months since we broke up and we haven't spoken in 6 months. My bad.

[bendit]

js, Never ever contact him again..

What do you want from life? Take a moment

and really think and put it all down on paper.

Ask yourself if it includes what this guy has put

you through. The reason he moved on easily is

because they don't really feel love for their

partners the way you and I would. They don't

Operate that way. Partners are necessary, of course, but which one hardly matters. It would be

a shame for you to break your NC at this stage.

I am sorry for what you are feeling. I am feeling awful for allowing myself to get conned by two

different NPDs. But I recognize my mistake and know that only Strict NC can get me where I want to be and that is Happy!

 

regards

 

Mike

[JS17]

Last night I ran into the guy I dated after my ex at a concert last night. As crazy as this sounds, until last night I've never run into anyone that I had dated and slept with. Now we didn't have a very involved and intense relationship but I was still attached to him at one point in time. Last night when I saw him I didn't feel anything for him at all. It was a great feeling! It was like all of the pain just fizzled away to almost nothing.

 

Now I'm not going to act impulsively, I want to really think this through but my question to everyone is can I have this same experience with my ex that broke my heart? It was far more involved and I did love him at one point whereas I never loved the second guy. Our breakup was very painful and has left me with a lot of baggage and I'd do anything to make some of that go away. Can I accomplish that by speaking with or meeting up with my ex?

[sanne]

i'm not sure that pain ever completely goes away. with time, the pain of the less is greatly diminished, however they will always occupy a small space in your heart. at least that is how I see it.

[alphamale]

i'm not sure that pain ever completely goes away. with time, the pain of the less is greatly diminished, however they will always occupy a small space in your heart. at least that is how I see it.

I agree SANNE...this is pretty much the same thing that happens when a close relative dies, such as a parent. The hurt and pain gets less and less with every passing year but it never really goes away....

[kscholze]

I dont think it will help by seeing or contacting your ex. Love is never going to go away and the pain will always be there. If you contact him and dont here or say the things you were hoping, you will have to start all over

[JS17]

Ok guys, thanks for your responses. I know what I was looking to accomplish but I don't know what I was expecting to hear from him. Maybe just to clear the air, get some answers but then again I don't trust him anymore anyway. It's just overwhelmingly sad when someone so important in your life has to be let go forever. I'll stick to NC for now, maybe revisit this all next year if I feel better about it.

[JS17]

I feel like a complete reject. I can't understand why this is all not just going away. I had a dream last night that he got engaged to his girlfriend. He wrote a book (I helped to put him through grad school in reality) all about their relationship and how perfect she was and how much he loved her (He never loved me) I confronted her in person and she told me that they were together for 3 months before we broke up and they had spent extended periods of time together. She told me I must have been an idiot not to see it. I confronted him over the phone and he didn't really have anything to say to me. In my dream I just went crazy and wanted to do something to really harm him.

 

This whole dream was really upsetting and scary. I'm not the kind of person to harm anyone but the fact that I was so crazy scared the heck out of me. The fact that he was marrying the woman that he supposedly left me for was very upsetting and it felt like my heart was being broken all over again. This should all be gone by now, I shouldn't have any feelings left, it's been a long time. I can stop myself from thinking about him when I'm awake but there's nothing I can do when I'm dreaming. Every time I'm thinking straight about the whole thing and think that I'm over it, something like this happens. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[JS17]

Should I also mention that he's never cared to contact me post-breakup. He returned any mails I sent to him shortly after but I have not heard from him since via his own valition.

[AndrewJ]

Hey js17,

 

Dreams can be very confusing at times.

 

I allways try to see insight in my dreams but most of them would send me stir crazy if i thought too much about them.

 

Play some nature music when sleeping too ease the subconcious:rolleyes: