When will I get my maternal instinct?

[major_merrick]

I'm due at the end of next month! In the past, I raised my younger sister. I've been around lots of kids, I'm used to step-parenting some of my husband's other kids, but this one will be the first that is really mine. But I'm wondering....when do I get that over-protective instinct thing that so many mothers seem to have?

 

 

 

When I was young, my mother didn't really do much with me. She was...around...and that was about it. When my sister came along, I took over her care. I had to figure out how to do all the necessary chores, but I wasn't prepared. I still lack the skills for really bonding with babies. I just don't do it well, even though I've got all the technical stuff down. My husband's second wife seems just made to be a mom - she has the "mother hen" thing down to a fine art. It is almost like she has eyes in the back of her head - a sixth sense about everything that is going on. She shields from every possible minor hazard, and God forbid a stranger get within 6 feet of her little ones...

 

 

 

I have to admit, I'm jealous. For me, working with the under-5 age group is about as natural and pleasant as trying to trim toenails on a pet rabbit...I just feel awkward as if I'm going to drop them or get scratched in the process.

 

 

 

Does this magically change somehow? Is it learned? Or do some mothers just never get it?

[No_Go]

Some never get a strong one, I don’t think mine did... so my grandmother was my primary caretaker for which I’m very grateful (we have had an unique bond...)

 

Biologically is when you release oxytocin ton of this happens during childbirth, oxytocin is primary hormone in the process and in binding...

 

But youlll be ok. You have other women to help you if bonding for whatever reason doesn’t happen as expected. When are you due?

[major_merrick]

Some never get a strong one, I don’t think mine did... so my grandmother was my primary caretaker for which I’m very grateful (we have had an unique bond...)

 

Biologically is when you release oxytocin ton of this happens during childbirth, oxytocin is primary hormone in the process and in binding...

 

But youlll be ok. You have other women to help you if bonding for whatever reason doesn’t happen as expected. When are you due?

 

I'm due Sept. 29th. So...five weeks and change, assuming everything is on schedule. The closer it gets, the more I stress out about it given my background.

 

What makes me nervous about the bonding thing is that if I don't do it right, I don't want Wife #2 taking over (not that she would...I know it is irrational.) The fact that the other girls have more experience at this makes me feel inferior somehow.

[SJS]

I didn't get an instinct until after mine was born. And then it was only for my kid (and she's almost 14 now!). It helps when you can see them & learn their personality. At this point I wouldn't worry about it

[basil67]

After my babies were born, I would have thrown myself in front of a car to save them. But the lovey dovey sing song gooey mother stuff didn't ever come to me. Sure, I loved them, supported them, talked, taught and sang nursery rhymes....but all in all they were pretty boring till they started talking.

[preraph]

Your upbringing may hinder your maternal instinct. My mom was kind of like that too. I never like baby dolls or anything. All my maternal instincts go into animals, and that maternal instinct is real strong. I am mostly disinterested and annoyed by children, but if I see one in trouble, my maternal instinct reluctantly kicks in. Like once I was visiting my mom in her small town and there was a tornado nearby. A couple of kids came to the door and asked if they could stay with us. I guess they were latchkey kids. And my instinct kicked right in and I put them in the hall with us and put pillows over them and all that while my mom and sister did nothing. That's happened a few times when a kid was in need or came to me, so I know I'd bond with my own child, but I also know I wasn't the right temperament for making that my lifestyle.

 

Your maternal instinct usually would be apparent before you have a baby, but the hormones will give you a little kick in that direction. I would just say that if you end up with not a very strong one, maybe the best insurance is to take a parenting class so you're at least doing everything technically by the book!

[major_merrick]

After my babies were born, I would have thrown myself in front of a car to save them. But the lovey dovey sing song gooey mother stuff didn't ever come to me. Sure, I loved them, supported them, talked, taught and sang nursery rhymes....but all in all they were pretty boring till they started talking.

 

Yeah it is the sing song stuff I completely don't understand...Wife #2 literally has a purr to her voice that must only be understandable to her kids. I may get it, I may not I guess. I just hope I do a decent job of it.

 

Another thought - do fathers get an instinct also? My husband always seems to be hovering in the background with the kids - a constant, watchful presence even when he's busy doing something. I'm not quite sure what his feelings or thought process are, but he's up with them at night. He does most of the caretaking at night - feeding, diapers, stories, etc... I sleep soundly, but I notice him in and out of bed about every two hours regularly pacing the floor and checking things. I sat up and took notice a couple of nights ago - his oldest daughter had a nightmare and screamed "Daaaaad!" around 3am...and it seemed like he was there instantly. I was amazed, because I was still half asleep and clueless.

[amaysngrace]

Have you started nesting yet? Getting the nursery ready and picking up things for the baby?

 

I didn’t bond with my first baby until he was born. I think in a way I was in denial because I had only focused on the pregnancy and not what life after it entailed.

 

But the bonding happened immediately. Are you going to nurse? If you are that helps a lot too.

[Assil]

Not to scare you, but I felt like you did before birth, and after birth nothing changed. Some mothers don't get it. I think maybe most don't to be honest.

 

My girl is almost 2 and I still don't really like doing kid stuff, I don't find it fun to do annoying things that I thought I'd magically love once I became a mom. But I do love my child SO MUCH and I'm her mom and she loves me, regardless of how "maternal" I am. It's really crazy how much having a child changes you and yet does not change you at all. If you dislike the under 5 age group, you maybe still will. You will love your kid, but you may like it better once she's older.

 

Go easy on yourself and don't expect magical things to happen. You, exactly as you are, are enough of a mom already. You don't have to wait for something special to kick in.

[major_merrick]

Have you started nesting yet? Getting the nursery ready and picking up things for the baby?

 

I didn’t bond with my first baby until he was born. I think in a way I was in denial because I had only focused on the pregnancy and not what life after it entailed.

 

But the bonding happened immediately. Are you going to nurse? If you are that helps a lot too.

 

I haven't really got the "nesting" thing yet. I've picked up a couple of things, but I grew up with practically nothing, so what we already have in the house seems like enough.

 

Breastfeeding...just...no. I'll pump the milk out and use it, but the thought of having a baby attached to my nipple is just not appealing. Plus, with a bottle, there's the flexibility of having someone else feed and the ability to be appropriate around others.

[anduina]

Even with other animals in nature, not all female animals have maternal instincts.

 

Mine burned out after being made the primary caregiver for my autistic brother, at a young age. In a situation of an accidental pregnancy, I'd abort.

[major_merrick]

Well, my baby came on Friday! I'm happy to say, I think I'm getting some of this mom stuff now. I didn't really start the whole "nesting" process until she arrived, but now I'm into it more...sewing new clothes and fussing a bit. Thank God for oxytocin...

[Gaeta]

Well, my baby came on Friday! I'm happy to say, I think I'm getting some of this mom stuff now. I didn't really start the whole "nesting" process until she arrived, but now I'm into it more...sewing new clothes and fussing a bit. Thank God for oxytocin...

 

 

Congratulations!!!

 

 

 

I think you have nothing to worry. My sister-in-law just had her first baby at 39. She's not the lovey-dovey at all, she's a doctor so to her everything is physical not emotional. This weekend when we visited them it was soooooo cute to see her completely in love with her baby. She kept saying omg that's what they meant by bonding!

[Ronni_W]

Well, my baby came on Friday! I'm happy to say, I think I'm getting some of this mom stuff now.

Congrats, major! . And welcome, New Baby!

 

As far as I can tell, all the best 'mothering' (and 'fathering') stuff really just boils down to love...and my sense is that you have lots to share, and plenty to spare.

 

Wishing all of you much happiness and good health.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Why do people have children without having a maternal instinct? I am not actually expecting an answer but it doesn't compute.

 

 

 

"I don't like babies. I am not domestic. Children under 5 annoy me. All the kid stuff is boring. Yet I am going to get pregnant anyway!" What the hell...

[major_merrick]

Why do people have children without having a maternal instinct? I am not actually expecting an answer but it doesn't compute.

 

"I don't like babies. I am not domestic. Children under 5 annoy me. All the kid stuff is boring. Yet I am going to get pregnant anyway!" What the hell...

 

Well for me, it was an accident. I married with the "knowledge" that I was incapable of getting pregnant. Then it happened almost immediately. So, I figured I'd just go with it. I'm finding that what some people say about kids is true, that it is somewhat different when they are yours. Somehow this whole pregnancy and birth experience has triggered an underlying biological drive...it is how the species continues, after all.

 

I'll admit, other people's babies and young kids still annoy the hell out of me....and so do overly saccharine mothers. I think it is more environment and parenting technique, rather than the kids themselves. Somehow, my daughter only makes about a quarter of the noise I expected...calm and content at 3 weeks old. Or maybe my "mom brain" has gotten used to my own kid but not to anybody else's? I'm never going to be a "domestic goddess" and I do plan on going back to work of some kind eventually once I get my health and energy back, but my priorities have been somewhat rearranged.

 

One surprise in all of this is watching my GF#1 and my daughter. Even though it isn't her child, she has developed a bond and is quite attentive. I'm not sure what to think about it, but it seems to be a good thing.

Edited October 5, 2018 by major_merrick

[vla1120]

Well for me, it was an accident. I married with the "knowledge" that I was incapable of getting pregnant. Then it happened almost immediately. So, I figured I'd just go with it. I'm finding that what some people say about kids is true, that it is somewhat different when they are yours. Somehow this whole pregnancy and birth experience has triggered an underlying biological drive...it is how the species continues, after all.

 

I'll admit, other people's babies and young kids still annoy the hell out of me....and so do overly saccharine mothers. I think it is more environment and parenting technique, rather than the kids themselves. Somehow, my daughter only makes about a quarter of the noise I expected...calm and content at 3 weeks old. Or maybe my "mom brain" has gotten used to my own kid but not to anybody else's? I'm never going to be a "domestic goddess" and I do plan on going back to work of some kind eventually once I get my health and energy back, but my priorities have been somewhat rearranged.

 

One surprise in all of this is watching my GF#1 and my daughter. Even though it isn't her child, she has developed a bond and is quite attentive. I'm not sure what to think about it, but it seems to be a good thing.

 

Congratulations!!

 

I had just the opposite experience. Before I had kids, I used to LOVE kids, especially younger kids. Then when I had daughters, my maternal instincts did kick in, but I completely lost interest in anyone else's kids.

[Gaeta]

One surprise in all of this is watching my GF#1 and my daughter. Even though it isn't her child, she has developed a bond and is quite attentive. I'm not sure what to think about it, but it seems to be a good thing.

 

 

It's all part of our survival instinct. Female dogs or other female animals will take care of other species cubs. Mothers that adopt new born babies will produce milk to breastfeet. I was given the care of my deseased ex-husband's daughter and the moment she moved in my motherly-protective instinct kicked in.