My friends think bf could be abusive?

[Annie_l]

I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year now. At the beginning he was soo nice and fun to be with. Now, he’s only nice sometimes and at other times he can be really mean or just flat out ignores me. Most people say I don’t talk enough and I am soft-spoken, even he told me that at first. But now he says I talk too much and tells me often to stop speaking in his presence. To avoid arguments I do as he says. However, when he asks me “what is wrong with me” I do reply I’m just doing as he requested. His reply is always “well clearly you don’t listen well.”

 

When we first met he told me he’d never hit a woman bc of the abuse he saw growing up. He said women have hit him but he never laid a hand on them. Recently, he had a flight to catch so he asked me to wake him up. I said he has to promise not to be mad at me(he’s not a morning person) and he agreed. So when the time came I shook him and said get up. He opened his eyes temporarily then fell back asleep. I shook him again and he didn’t move. I then tapped his cheek and said please get up. At that point he said “I swear ...” and I tapped him again...only this time he slapped me in the face. It wasn’t hard but I was in shock. He told me “get the f*** away or ill throw you out.” I knew he really would because he did after we got into an argument about him being with another woman in my face.

 

I decided to finally ask him about the stuff I mentioned(telling me to stop speaking and the slap) and he basically told me he hates how much I talk, He thinks I’m over emotional, and that if I didn’t tap him first he wouldn’t have slapped me. Then he said Leave him alone bc I’m crazy. I know I shouldn’t have tapped him first, I know. I feel like I really messed up bc he said he’s never hit anyone in the past.

 

I want to try to fix this but everyone thinks that I should leave him. I don’t know what to do...

[skywriter]

Hi Annie_l Welcome to LS.

 

I am a 54 year woman that has lived with a physical abuser and an emotional abuser in my lifetime. In retrospect, the abuse is gradual and vague in progression, which can often have a person questioning if it's actually what is happening.

 

If you have to question what he's doing as normal then you are on the road to harms way. The trigger could be as simple as making a left turn instead of a right turn.

 

You say that when you first met him he said he'd never hit a woman. To me even having a conversation about hitting someone upon first meeting to be quite odd.

 

Then I am wondering as an adult male why you are responsible for waking him up. He's an adult, let him wake himself up. You shouldn't be responsible for him and let alone have to endure his becoming physical, slapping your face. He'd have one time to do that and I wouldn't be waking him up again.

 

You aren't over emotional, and please consider not allowing him to tell you to not speak. He isn't your parent, you aren't his child. This relationship sounds very unhealthy and you should reconsider what you actually desire from a relationship.

 

Also, you can't fix people, he is who he is because he chooses to be. You have to decide what you choose to allow. if you allow him in your life be prepared for more of what he is showing you. Best wishes ....

[Zahara]

I know I shouldn’t have tapped him first, I know. I feel like I really messed up bc he said he’s never hit anyone in the past.

 

Unfortunately, you have conditioned yourself to be submissive and accepting of abuse. You've allowed this man to tear at your self-esteem.

 

It isn't just about the slapping, he verbally abuses and treats you very poorly. He is breaking you down to nothing. He's making you doubt yourself. All patterns of an abuser. Soon, you will be a shell of a woman. You'll be accepting blame for his behavior and you'll be constantly putting yourself down -- which is already happening. You are on your way to hell.

 

He may have said he has never hit anyone before, but he has hit you now and your tapping does not justify his action. Just as he was nice in the beginning, all that has changed. Don't be naive enough to hold onto words but pay attention to actions. This is his first hit. There will be more verbal and physical abuse to come.

 

I want to try to fix this but everyone thinks that I should leave him. I don’t know what to do...

 

Your friends are absolutely right. There is no fixing this. What needs fixing is your sense of self. You have lost your self-respect. You should and MUST leave him. If you don't, there is going to come a day when you regret your choices and realize you never gave yourself the opportunity to experience true love and care. Get out now.

[amaysngrace]

Seek out a women's shelter to see if they have counseling available. Don't tell him that you have gone though.

 

They should be able to help you through this to get your self-esteem back to where it needs to be to be able to move on from him.

 

Did you say he's on a flight somewhere? There's no time like the present to pack up today, if you're able.

[d0nnivain]

Yup he's abusive. You were trying to do him a favor & he slapped you. there is no excuse for that. You should have walked out & never looked back. You did not mess up. You need to get away from him & into therapy immediately to figure out why in the world you think you deserve to be physically assaulted. What he did to you is CRIME.

[Annie_l]

Hi Annie_l Welcome to LS.

 

I am a 54 year woman that has lived with a physical abuser and an emotional abuser in my lifetime. In retrospect, the abuse is gradual and vague in progression, which can often have a person questioning if it's actually what is happening.

 

If you have to question what he's doing as normal then you are on the road to harms way. The trigger could be as simple as making a left turn instead of a right turn.

 

You say that when you first met him he said he'd never hit a woman. To me even having a conversation about hitting someone upon first meeting to be quite odd.

 

Then I am wondering as an adult male why you are responsible for waking him up. He's an adult, let him wake himself up. You shouldn't be responsible for him and let alone have to endure his becoming physical, slapping your face. He'd have one time to do that and I wouldn't be waking him up again.

 

You aren't over emotional, and please consider not allowing him to tell you to not speak. He isn't your parent, you aren't his child. This relationship sounds very unhealthy and you should reconsider what you actually desire from a relationship.

 

Also, you can't fix people, he is who he is because he chooses to be. You have to decide what you choose to allow. if you allow him in your life be prepared for more of what he is showing you. Best wishes ....

 

 

 

Thank you for the reply, hearing this from a survivor is eye opening.

 

The reason we had this convo in the beginning is because he witnessed domestic abuse as a child. And he’d flip flop between praising and hating his father which I didn’t get so I asked him about it.

[Annie_l]

Seek out a women's shelter to see if they have counseling available. Don't tell him that you have gone though.

 

They should be able to help you through this to get your self-esteem back to where it needs to be to be able to move on from him.

 

Did you say he's on a flight somewhere? There's no time like the present to pack up today, if you're able.

 

I do not live with him. But he is back in town now. From past experience, he does not want me to leave. I have tried and he has either kept on finding ways to contact me. One time when I told him I’d eventually move on he grabbed my neck and said I wasn’t going anywhere. So I don’t try anymore.

[d0nnivain]

I do not live with him. But he is back in town now. From past experience, he does not want me to leave. I have tried and he has either kept on finding ways to contact me. One time when I told him I’d eventually move on he grabbed my neck and said I wasn’t going anywhere. So I don’t try anymore.

 

Where are you parents in this? Have you called the police? This is no way to live You have to get away from this man. Break up with him over the phone & get out of town for the weekend. Stay with a friend so he can't find you. Then you can go back home but block him & don't take his calls, texts or e-mails.

 

Your friends know what is going on. They will help you get away.

[amaysngrace]

I do not live with him. But he is back in town now. From past experience, he does not want me to leave. I have tried and he has either kept on finding ways to contact me. One time when I told him I’d eventually move on he grabbed my neck and said I wasn’t going anywhere. So I don’t try anymore.

 

Do you see a counselor? I really think you should look to a women's shelter to see if they have one available or know of where to go. Here counseling is free and they truly are wonderful.

 

I know it's hard to leave. You feel so low because of what being with someone like that does to your psyche. You feel powerless because the way they treat you chips away at your self confidence. They treat you nice for a while and you stay wishing they'll always be like that but then something makes them mad and then they're at it again. Google "cycle of abuse" and you'll recognize the pattern.

 

You don't deserve to be treated this way. You weren't put on this earth to be his personal punching bag when he's having a bad day. He has no right to take his crap out on you. You're not a toilet. Don't let him treat you like you are.

[FMW]

Your friends are right. You seriously need to get away from him for good.

[Annie_l]

Google "cycle of abuse" and you'll recognize the pattern

 

I just did andnthank you. I never realized him giving me the silent treatment for long periods of time meant anything. It always made me feel like I did something wrong so I tried my hardest to make him happy with me again even though it never worked.

[Annie_l]

Where are you parents in this?

 

I live close to my mom But I didn’t want to tell her in case she misinterpreted. I told some of my friends in a joking matter but they were concerned and that’s when I started to think about it and reach out for advice.

 

I will try to talk to my friends again, I just do not want to be a burden.

[BaileyB]

Your friends are absolutely right to be worried, you are most definitely in an abusive relationship and you need to leave.

[d0nnivain]

I live close to my mom But I didn’t want to tell her in case she misinterpreted. I told some of my friends in a joking matter but they were concerned and that’s when I started to think about it and reach out for advice.

 

I will try to talk to my friends again, I just do not want to be a burden.

 

You are not a burden. Your mom & your friends love you. There is nothing to misinterpret about this guy's behavior. You said he grabbed you by the neck the last time you tried to break up with him. He slapped you when you tried to do him a favor. The only burden you will be to your friends & family is when this jerk kills you or puts you in the hospital & they are wracked with grief trying to figure out how they missed the signs.

 

Do what I said. Break up with him by text & go stay with your mom for a few days so you have a witness, protection & somebody to call the cops if he comes by looking for you. If you don't want to stay with somebody else, get them to stay with you. But you have to get him out of your life.

[bathtub-row]

This guy grew up with abuse so it’s normal to him. It may even be genetic. Whatever the reason, he’s broken and not fixable. I hope you learn to stop thinking that him wanting you to stay means anything. It only means he wants to keep you with him so that he can continue to abuse you.

 

I strongly recommend the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll get the idea as to what your bf is about and, hopefully, will never underestimate him again.

 

Make no mistake - you’re in an abusive relationship. You’re like the frog that’s put in a pot of water and is slowly boiled to death. This man will kill your spirit if you don’t walk away and walk away for good.

[preraph]

He's already abusive. He is telling you not to talk and then also hitting you. Now it's your turn to wake up! Get out of that relationship. He's awful.

[Orokotikki]

Even when I caught my wife cheating, I could not bring myself to hit her.

Only in self-defense could a man do so, and even then it must be measured carefully and there is no other option (such as leaving or just restraining).

 

There is no maybe about this!

Please remove this man from your life permanently and immediately!

 

You deserve better and can find better, I promise this.

It will only become more extreme and harder to leave the longer you stay!

 

Be safe and be well.

If you are in the united states there is a number of organizations you can reach out to help protect you and move on from this.

 

Please. It breaks my heart to think that any of my little sisters may think as you do and become trapped.

[Annie_l]

He's already abusive. He is telling you not to talk and then also hitting you. Now it's your turn to wake up! Get out of that relationship. He's awful.

 

Why do you see him telling me not to speak as abusive? Just wondering

[todreaminblue]

as a survivor of abuse when my voice was silenced by men i would find my voice in music......heres one song i have played over and over...play it.....often

 

 

never let a man silence your voice...you are not a trained parrott who speaks on demand you are a flesh and blood woman with aright to talk when you want to talk.......this guy isnt right .....not in the head and not right for you or to you...he needs to learn how to treat a woman...and he needs some serious counselling to change his toxic ways....

 

you cannot help him see that...but leaving may help him see that he needs to change.........do the world a favor and do the woman who is with him next a favor who might not be as strong as you can be...you be his consequence and the person who truly made a difference in his life....you will leave him better for knowing.....you....and he will know consequence...good luck...deb

Edited August 23, 2018 by todreaminblue

[bathtub-row]

Why do you see him telling me not to speak as abusive? Just wondering

 

Telling you not to talk is a form of putting you down. In some cases, it would depend on the context and how it's said but this guy hit you, honey. What else do you need to know? You're not telling your friends and family about what he does because you're ashamed and you know they'd probably take him to a back alley and beat the crap out of him. And he'd deserve it.

 

I hope you're taking note because this is EXACTLY how the abuse cycle starts. The woman covers up for the guy, she feels responsible, thinks she did something to deserve it, blah, blah, blah. It's all crap! Stop making excuses. There IS no excuse. There IS no good reason for someone who loves you to slap you. EVER. Look at what the guy wrote in the post above. His wife cheated on him. Do you know how enraged that can make a person feel? Even then, he didn't touch her. That's a man and a gentleman. You're bf is the exact opposite of that. He's a coward who hits women.

 

If this guy is doing these things to you now, you can be certain that they will get much worse. And, guess what? By staying with him, because you didn't decide to walk out and never go back the minute he did that, you taught him that what he did was ok. I hope you think about that because you're the one making yourself a victim. No one else can save you if you're not willing to save yourself. And you're not going to get some medal for being a martyr. Next thing you know, you'll have kids with this jerk and then the real nightmare begins. You'll wish for prison by then. Or death.

 

I hope that you will remove yourself from this situation soon. If you don't, he'll make sure you that you'll live to regret it.

[Orokotikki]

Why do you see him telling me not to speak as abusive? Just wondering

 

It is very alarming!

Please run, don't walk, away from this!

 

If you are still in this relationship by sundown at least call your parents or trusted family member and tell them he has hit you and you are afraid, make sure they know your address.

 

Once these things (the abusers true nature) are revealed they sometimes escalate very quickly!

 

If you love him you will be doing him a favor as well, by teaching him the consequences of such actions by leaving him (permanently).

[Orokotikki]

I know I shouldn’t have tapped him first, I know. I feel like I really messed up bc he said he’s never hit anyone in the past.

 

This is not your fault.

It is not your fault, even if you want it to be.

 

He says he never hit anyone before?

1. This does not matter, because he has hit a woman now and received no repercussion.

2. The word of a man who would hit a woman is worth nothing. The word of a cheater or liar holds as much weight.

3. But he would hit someone if they had ever tapped him? Ridiculous.

 

Somewhere there is another man who will read this thread, he will be young, impulsive, and impressionable.

 

Will that man read this thread thread and think "I just tell her to shut up, slap her, and get what I want, how I want it!"

 

Or will he think "I must treat women with respect, honor, and kindness to have a relationship with them. There is a line one must not cross."

 

You get to decide this.

INACTION is an action.

Making no decision is a decision.

 

Believe these smart women who fear for your well being and growth.

Later, you can learn from this and find such a nicer man who will treat you right, if you want, or be happier on your own. But not if you stay.

 

Contact supportive family or friends immediately before or after you leave!

[RecentChange]

Honey, everything you describe about this relationship is extremely concerning, not normal, not healthy, not okay for a moment!

 

He is abusive, and controlling, and I am troubled by the fact that you can't see it - you must be quite conditioned to accept abuse.

 

Disrespecting you? By ignoring you, by telling you not to speak - not okay.

 

Telling you that you will make him violent - not okay.

 

Putting his hand on your throat?!? CRIMINAL!!! literally the authorities could have arrested him for this.

 

PLEASE get counseling. You need help. You need to learn how to see what is so very clear to your friends. You need to learn how to demand more for yourself.

 

You can break up with him, but without help, you will most likely fall prey to the next abuser.

[glows]

Not acceptable. Get out as soon as you can and as safely as you can.

[babysacay]

This is absolutely abusive. If you do leave though, just make sure to plan for safety - notify friends, family, law enforcement. Sometimes, the most dangerous time comes when the abuser learns that the person they are with intends to leave.