Discussion about ignoring feelings

[viatori patuit]

I have read a few threads here and I am curious. I have a rough marriage right now and I am not ruling out divorce.

 

My question is this - how does one go about ignoring the feelings that may still exist for your spouse? If I divorce, it’s because we are simply incompatible. But I still have feelings for her. I certainly still love her. I am not sure how one becomes ruthless in that situation.

 

I read a lot of threads here where people are told to get tough. I don’t know if they do or not, but it seems there are more people who are paralyzed by fear or loss than people who can just forget all that and fight.

 

Was it a moment where a switch flipped? Or something else?

[basil67]

Can I ask why you still love her? Serious question. What are all the wonderful things you see in her which make you adore her?

[viatori patuit]

Sure, you can ask. There are other threads I started elsewhere that deal with that.

 

I am really curious how people just combat up when they go through with this. It is a brutal process. I did it twice already. The first time nearly killed me. My first wife cheated and literally walked out one day. I never saw her again

 

I think most people who do this grow ambivalent to their spouse. The whole roommate scenario. I did that too. That was WAY easier. No feelings at all.

 

I see so many people who talk about just lawyering up and leaving. I always wondered if they had some secret or they were just offering advice as a disinterested third party. It is real easy to say leave. It isn’t always that simple though.

[basil67]

The reason I asked about why you love her is because I couldn't leave my marriage until I had an epiphany that I didn't actually love him anymore. That I was with him out of pity instead. When we tell ourselves that we love a person, we don't always give ourselves permission to question whether that love still exists.

[vla1120]

I resented my husband's cheating. He cheated before we ever got married (then twice during our 32 years), but I felt obligated to marry him at the time (long story, not really pertinent.) I did love him dearly and we were best friends most of the time. After 32 years of marriage and some life-altering events, for me that cheating kept coming to the surface and the resentment built to the point that I barely respected him anymore. So, it wasn't really a switch, but more of a very long, gradual process.

 

We've been divorced for almost 5 years. My second husband (who I am now separated from) made him look like Prince Charming (even with the cheating) because of his controlling abusive nature. My first husband is the father of my three children and I will always care for him in my own way. We would have made great friends, just not great partners in life. So, in closing, you may continue to have feelings for your wife for some time to come, especially because she is the mother of your children. As long as you keep your feelings in perspective and remember why you are in this position to begin with (if you do decide to leave), hopefully you will be okay and can move on.

[OatsAndHall]

Honestly, I don't think a person ever becomes completely emotionally detached from someone they were married to or in a serious, LTR with. You've spent a significant portion of your life with a person and there will be some lingering feelings long after everything is said and done. I certainly don't love my ex-wife any more and I'm indifferent towards her the vast majority of the time. But, every once in awhile, something will spark a positive memory of our marriage and I'll think of her fondly and then move on.

 

 

 

Fair warning; this is one of the most difficult things about getting divorced. A divorce is nothing more than a business transaction at the end of the day. I really needed to detach all emotion from my ex-wife when going through my divorce so that I could focus solely on making sure that the settlement was fair and equitable.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think there are two distinct issues here.

 

#1: Yes, I loved my ex ...

 

#2: But I could no longer live with her ... and didn't want her in my day-to-day life any longer.

 

Feeling #2 diminished feeling #1 ... and ultimately made feeling #1 pretty much irrelevant.

 

The phrase "love is not enough" refers to the truth that we can love someone and that "love" can have zero meaning as far as whether that person is an appropriate marriage partner. My ex could be vicious and downright abusive ... So at the end, that behavior dwarfed whatever love I had for her. Part of marriage is practical. Not just that you love this person, but are they a positive factor in your life.

 

Now, there are times when out of nowhere I will remember something my ex said that was just brilliant. Things she said that helped me figure out myself and figure out the world. I learned a ton from her ... and yes, those memories bring back good feelings about the ex. Doesn't lead me to question the divorce. Doesn't make me want to call her up and ask her out. (She has remarried anyway.)

 

I have updated my ex via email when each of my parents died. She liked them and somehow it felt appropriate to notify her. She sent me kind and thoughtful responses. When my brother died, she was one of the few people who knew him well ... and we talked on the phone and it was enormously helpful. I will always feel grateful for that phone call ... Talking to her was quite intimate ... in that she knew me well and so I didn't have to give background or explain my mixed feelings about my brother ... But it was intimate without triggering a desire to see her or get with her.

 

Maybe you're not angry at your wife ... or you don't think your wife has treated you badly ... It's just that you want a different type of relationship? Being angry at the ex or feeling betrayed by the ex makes the process of letting go much easier.