Children at Early 40s

[shydad]

I'm a bit scared of having to raise a kid as separate parents, even if I know it's doable.

What aspect of being a single parent are you most worried about?

[lazlo]

What aspect of being a single parent are you most worried about?

 

Fighting to each other over the child, that's what I'm most worried about. If we were to divorce I don't know if we could do it in a friendly way. I hope so.

[shydad]

Fighting to each other over the child, that's what I'm most worried about. If we were to divorce I don't know if we could do it in a friendly way. I hope so.

I know a lot about that. You're right to worry. I had 100% certainty that if we split up, it would be nasty, and it was. It's called a "high conflict" divorce. The first two years of the divorce process were easily the worst of my life, but then things got better. It's been about four years now, and I can't tell you how happy I am where things are at now. I did choose to pony up to keep things handled fairly, safely, and professionally (legal fees alone are over $125k so far).

 

There are two messages I would like to convey to you:

 

First, it's funny how painful memories fade over time, yet good memories remain strong.

 

Second, and the more important message I would like to convey is that I know better than most how bad it can get, yet I'm totally ready to try again. That includes having more children, despite the possible emotional and financial devastation which could happen again. The reason why is that I've learned a valuable lesson, which I realized after starting this thread. The lesson I've learned is that there is almost no limit to what I what I'll do for my son. I would like to feel that way towards more people, including a kindhearted spouse and more children.

 

Your relationship has uncertainty, but the love you would have for your child would last a lifetime.

[MidwestUSA]

It pretty much in the same situation, me 39 and my wife 41. I'd love to have a kid. She would like to try IVF and this is probably her last chance, as it is probably mine (I'm not going to have children at 50). On the other hand I'm a bit scared. Besides we have issues in our marriage and I'm not so confident that our relationship is strong enough to last long. I'm not scared of responsibilities and I don't care not having free time for me. I'm a bit scared of having to raise a kid as separate parents, even if I know it's doable. On the other hand, if I picture myself old and alone it's even a more scary thought.

 

I tend to think last-ditch IVF is a bad idea. It's very expensive, it makes you absolutely crazy because of the hormone fluctuations from the drugs they use on you, and it still doesn't work most of the time.

 

Putting all your hopes on that and spending tens of thousands only to end up with nothing is heart-wrenching.

 

While not directly related to OP's situation at this point in time, I'll tell this story for anyone considering IVF.

 

I work with triplets, the result of IVF. Mom was 37, dad 47, when they were born.

 

I think most IVF providers implant two embryos, and hope that at least one takes. The incidence of twins, if the procedure is successful, is about 40%.

 

'My kids' were the result of two implanted embryos, with one splitting, essentially resulting in twins and a singlet. They were born at 25 weeks, 2 days, and spent five months in the NICU.

 

The singlet is fine, just the usual premature issues - lagging behind in growth, etc. The 'twins' came home with tracheostomies and g-tubes (a tube directly into the stomach thru the abdominal wall).

 

I'm in their home right now, and all three are peacefully sleeping. They are now three and a half years old. The 'twins' still have feeding tubes, and my job is to feed them thru the night. The smallest currently weighs in at just over 22#. They had their trachs closed about a year ago, but for the first two years, it was oxygen/humidity via trach at night. They were highly susceptible to pneumonia, and were hospitalized several times.

 

These parents have had nurses in their home 20 hours a day for three years. For the first two years, it was two nurses, both day and night. Now we're at two during the day, and one at night. Talk about a crimp in lifestyle - virtual 'strangers' in your home, as well as three children. They were very much wanted, and are very loved, but I don't think this was the outcome anyone was looking for.

 

Beyond the expenses of a five month NICU stay for 3, at the current Medicaid reimbursement rate, nursing care works out to 7K a week, for the first two years (728K!). Granted, that assumes all shifts were filled, and they weren't, but you get the idea. Add in travel, numerous times, to a specialty hospital in another state for several surgeries. Add in all the equipment, special food, diapers - it goes on and on.

 

So, there's the financial aspect. Add in mental and emotional strain, as well as exhaustion.

 

My point? You'd better have a really strong marriage to do this. Bringing a child into the world via IVF because you can't picture yourself 'old and alone'? Nope, just no. 70% of marriages with disabled children involved end in divorce.

 

I'm sure the majority of IVF pregnancies result in perfectly healthy children; I don't know the stats. But, as I stated, the incidence of twins is pretty high. And with twins comes possible prematurity, as well as a condition called TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome). My last client was also a triplet; she was on the wrong end of TTTS. Her siblings were healthy; she died at the age of six (while I was not on duty, thankfully).

 

 

I'm sure (I certainly hope!) that a good deal of counseling in involved for anyone considering the procedure. If you can admit your marriage has 'issues' and is not strong right now, I can't see you being a good candidate. Would your marriage 'pass' the counseling required for adoption or taking in a foster child? Probably not.

 

Why not become a Big Brother?

 

 

Tldr: the decision to proceed with IVF should not be taken lightly.

[Pastypop]

There are two sides of the coin...

 

I have always considered 35 to be pretty much the end of the road for bringing kids into the world.....Now, understand, I have an opinion about child rearing that differs from what is being thrown around today...Kids need active parents...I am one of the most fit 50 plus people you would ever see/meet and yet I wear down and don't have what I used to in terms of energy and drive..Some people believe it's ok to put kids in daycare from basically infancy, go to work, then pick them up, the parents being tired from work, then put them to bed..That's not parenting, imo...Unfair to the kids..Some kids can be very active/hyperactive and if you think you will have the energy to deal with that after 50 when you worked your ass off all day and for the last 30 years, you may want to think again..

 

Here's another thing...

 

Most people around my age(early 50's) are thinking about slowing down....Cutting back....You can't when you have younger kids...They need everything....Money, time, resources, etc..Just when you think you want to settle down and maybe downsize a bit, you will be faced with a big expense of time and money...

 

And lastly...Think about this...And this is a BIG factor, If you have a kid at this age, what happens if the relationship then falls apart? Now, not only are you older and tired, you now have go through the horrors of a divorce, and you will be paying child support payments and funding 6 figure college bills, up until almost the time you are collecting social security...

 

Just giving my own personal feelings/opinions...Doesn't mean people can't or won't do it, but you need to consider all of the possibilities..

 

TFY

 

 

Absolutely, people only think about kids being hard when their young. No one thinks about all the homework that lasts 2-3 hours a night, projects or the little league that lasts half the night most weekdays(always goes over time too because the crazy coach won’t shut the hell up with his useless after practice/game speeches) and all day on Saturdays. Then the driving lessons, higher insurance and so on.

 

This is what you will be doing in your 50’s after working all day. It might seem like it’s no big deal but it really wears out a person fast. Also, you will be the old parents in the group. A lot of schools and kid’s activities expect you to volunteer, donate and buy coaches/teacher’s gifts. So add that in with cleaning the house, keeping up a yard, grocery shopping and buying a bunch of crap for school and it’s just way too much at 40 and 50.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, you will be the old parents in the group.

 

Having been 47 when my son was born, I prefer to think of myself as "experienced" .

 

it’s just way too much at 40 and 50.

 

I'll just say my experience was different. I think being around young people keeps you young and staying active with kids at any age helps avoid couch-potato syndrome. I'm in much better shape than most guys my age, in part because at age 60 I was hitting fungo flies and playing tennis with my teenager.

 

YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Pastypop]

Having been 47 when my son was born, I prefer to think of myself as "experienced"

 

 

 

I'll just say my experience was different. I think being around yohoung people keeps you young and staying active with kids. at any age helps avoid couch-potato syndrome. I'm in much better shape than most guys my age, in part because at age 60 I was hitting fungo flies and playing tennis with my teenager.

 

YMMV...

 

Well isn’t that just wonderful!! Reminds me of some of those little league parents.

Edited September 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[JuneL]

Having been 47 when my son was born, I prefer to think of myself as "experienced"

 

 

 

I'll just say my experience was different. I think being around yohoung people keeps you young and staying active with kids. at any age helps avoid couch-potato syndrome. I'm in much better shape than most guys my age, in part because at age 60 I was hitting fungo flies and playing tennis with my teenager.

 

YMMV...

 

Well isn’t that just wonderful!! Reminds me of some of those little league parents.

 

This was exactly what happened to the hubby of one of my best friends. They had their only kid when he was mid-40s. He used to be skinny and physically weak. But after carrying the little baby/toddler/kiddo around every day for a few years, he’s a much stronger:laugh: guy now

Edited September 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Mr. Lucky]

Well isn’t that just wonderful!! Reminds me of some of those little league parents.

 

As in engaged in their children's lives and supportive of their activities?

 

Guilty as charged...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

IME, there are far more men, and women, like Mr. Lucky these days than when I was young and had much older parents. Two big areas are better medical care/ more safety regarding toxins and no significant widespread wars since I was young. WW2 and Korea were brutal on men in big numbers, especially WW2. Vietnam got to some but far less in number and safety stuff was on the rise, all vital to being a healthy and involved older parent. Same for women in the arenas they faced risks.

 

Looking at one simple factor, when I was young I can't recall one parent who didn't smoke. Cigarettes, pipes, cigars, smoking was everywhere. Men and women. Nowadays, it's far less common and health has reflected that, especially in older people. My mom smoked for 35 years, quitting only when pregnant with me at 36 and for good at 47 and lived another 42 years after that. The risks of a first child at 37 with two smoking parents and a father damaged by the war were huge. I was extremely fortunate to not experience health issues in my life. Extremely. My dad was on his way to death by the time he was the age I am now. I was just hiking in Yellowstone. It hurt (muscles) but felt good and I enjoyed the kids we were with.

 

For the OP, IMO you have an offspring and don't appear to be over the top about adding to that. If the lady is, I'd call it bad timing/match and move on. I ran into a version of this when dating a doctor who had a 8 month granddaughter. She was 46 at the time and for her, the time of having children was 'over' as she put it. I respected that. Her choice, though she was a lovely lady and excellent partner, tipped my marital choice in favor of the woman I married who was younger and still wanted children and like myself, hadn't had any. The children thing was important. Looking back, perhaps that was short-sighted, IDK. Your dating partner feels as she does and IMO we as men should respect that and be honest about our own preferences and not sacrifice ourselves to be in a relationship, especially a marriage. If no meeting of the minds, move on.