Bestie Heartache

[Lilly25]

I’m not really sure what to call it, but in 2011 a friend walked into my life and we became best friends. It was unexpected and I was very excited to have a good friend in my life. She was with me a few years later during my divorce time frame. My family blamed her for my changes and I defended her. I also left Mormonism and had my first coffee and wine with her around. She had some rocky relationships and I was with her through those changes as well. Eventually she was my maid of honor in my wedding and we remained friends even though moved 1.5 hours away for 9 months. We’ve known each other through the births of our sons mine is almost 3 and hers is 2.

 

Lately I could tell that some space had grown between us and I thought maybe it was just adulthood and being a busy parent and working etc, we were kind of reduced down to meeting for the occasional lunch hour. Soon the lunches faded away. I was quiet about it and noticed she didn’t text me back very quickly ever anymore and also sometimes her list would be her spending time with another friend, which is cool but also a bit confusing.

 

I finally got the courage to ask her what was up and the answer shocked me. We have been with each other through so much good and bad and she said she had to put distance between us because she felt like I victimized myself and could never take blame in all of the situations I had going on in my life. It hurt. It still hurts a lot and when I told her that what she had to say about me hurt, she only said that I was trying to victimize myself in this situation with her too. I am beyond confused. I even provided her with proof of things like emails from other relationships in which I take fault for myself. I then said to her that maybe she just got bored with me. Her explanation really doesn’t make sense as to why she should cut me off. It hurts so much and all I can think about is her and everything about us over the last several years.

Edited August 21, 2018 by Lilly25

[Nobita Nobi]

Hey. First off I'm new here so I'm still learning this forum and all. So apologized in advance if I mess up with my post.

 

I hate to say this but from what I've interpreted is that she seems does need a space from you although I admit, her reasonings truly don't make any sense.

 

Maybe she has a new best friend from her perspective? That's fine, but even so she shouldn't say those things to you and cut you off in an instant. She should did it with class if she really wants to cut ties from you.

 

However, someone who ditches their supposed best friends with no real reasons at all aren't real friends. Yes, you both have been talked to each others from 2011 which she SHOULD be honest in the first place.

 

My opinion? People do need to distance from someone once in a while, but the ones who cut off their supposed best friends so easily aren't real friends.

 

Just let her go, don't message her anymore. I bet sooner or later (maybe around 6 months-ish) she'd message you again. The first thing she should say is that "I'm sorry". If she doesn't say it, then she probably would never apologized which in my opinon she shouldn't be in your life anymore.

 

I believe you'll meet someone, a real best friend. Believe me.

 

EDIT: well since you are a Woman, could you please reply to my topic? I'm not forcing you though if you Couldn't answer it. Thank you in advance. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/platonic/friendship/662923-does-she-forgive-me-already

[preraph]

I think she views you as not taking responsibility for some of your own problems. Like you blame everything on someone else or you won't change or fix something that needs fixing. Maybe she gives you advice that you need to act on something to make it stop or fix it, and you just ignore both her and it. That's what it sounds like.

[Lilly25]

I think she views you as not taking responsibility for some of your own problems. Like you blame everything on someone else or you won't change or fix something that needs fixing. Maybe she gives you advice that you need to act on something to make it stop or fix it, and you just ignore both her and it. That's what it sounds like.

 

But she ALWAYS wanted to know stuff. I was never really asking advice in the first place just thought we were mutually venting.

[marky00]

But she ALWAYS wanted to know stuff. I was never really asking advice in the first place just thought we were mutually venting.

 

I get what you are saying.

 

What I have learned is some people will just listen and process and even make judgments without telling you.

 

These people usually don't make good friends or partners. You think they are listening to let you vent but for them, its actually building up resent because they are wondering what are they getting out if it.

 

So even though, she might have some points, it's also not really your fault because she chose to play the no-communication card. She's the type who will let you drown without throwing you the life raft because she wants to see if you can figure things out yourself.

[preraph]

Listening to a friend event is really easy at first but then when they just keep venting but not doing anything about their own situation to make it stop, at that point it becomes very annoying. Not sure that's what's going on but it sort of sounds like it. she seems to think you enjoy being the victim rather than fixing the problem.

[marky00]

Listening to a friend event is really easy at first but then when they just keep venting but not doing anything about their own situation to make it stop, at that point it becomes very annoying. Not sure that's what's going on but it sort of sounds like it. she seems to think you enjoy being the victim rather than fixing the problem.

 

True, but not all situations are "simply fixed". Sick family members, kid troubles, long-term health issues. If that annoyed my friend, I'd be happy to say "good riddance".

 

Now if we are talking more trivial things like "i'm sick of where I live" or "I hate my job", then you might have a point. But event then, her friend could have opened the communication lines and suggested she do something about it. Sounds like she just sat there and allowed the annoying feeling to gain momentum.

[preraph]

But if every time we get together with a friend, all they do is talk about everything wrong with their life, I mean, that's too much. I think it would be smart to remember that people may befriend you during a crisis, but most people just want to have FUN with their friends. And then if a person is always in turmail and never gets herself out of that situation, a friend will tire of offering advice. If it's something that can't be solved, then why waste time complaining about it. If it's something you can fix, fix it. If it's not, accept it. OP didn't say the friend was tired of hearing about problems she was powerless to fix. She said she was tired of her always "being the victim," which implies something she can do something about but won't.

[Standard-Fare]

We don't and can't know the full context here of why your friend feels this way about you, or whether her assessment is fair or not.

 

But bottom line is that when someone explicitly wants distance from you, you have no choice but to give them that. Pushing against it will only alienate them further, and regardless it's not healthy to pursue someone who has disparaging opinions of you and doesn't enjoy your company.

 

Now, if you believe your friend's complaints about you may hold some merit (again, we as readers have no way of knowing that)... it may be time for some internal reflection about what you could do to improve.

 

Personally I know I've had a couple friends call me out on some of my worst behaviors and I could not refute them. I knew immediately they were correct and it got me thinking about how to change.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You may be more of a negative/pessimistic person than you realize. Do you vent a lot? This can be very, very draining to be around.

[Lilly25]

We hung out today and I tried to be more positive for sure. I think it’s my social anxiety that gets me.

[preraph]

You know, I get that she always wanted to know, but everyone has a breaking point where they're like, I've heard this all before and it's just depressing. So glad you tried to lighten up. Always remember to be entertaining and also interested in what they are doing. Good luck! Hope all ends well.

[anduina]

We hung out today and I tried to be more positive for sure. I think it’s my social anxiety that gets me.

Your social anxiety is a part of you. It's not detached and can be controlled by you unless it's so bad that you need help from a mental health professional through therapy and possibly medication.

 

Do you often detach from your social anxiety when you were venting to her in the past?

[Lilly25]

Your social anxiety is a part of you. It's not detached and can be controlled by you unless it's so bad that you need help from a mental health professional through therapy and possibly medication.

 

Do you often detach from your social anxiety when you were venting to her in the past?

 

First want to note that I see a therapist often and I do have an anxiety medication but it makes me too sleepy so I don’t take it often. Maybe 10 times in the last year have I taken it. Also I’m not sure what you mean about detaching?

[maxi105]

hi lily, it does sound like you were getting a bit lost in what was going on emotionally and the venting took over and you were not aware enough how that was affecting your friend.

 

 

im not sure why your family were blaming her about your changes (or possibly relationship failure?), (not that that it can save anything now regarding what went on, but it might be part of why you have also in your own way vented regularly if you have done(even if you thought it was all part of sharing discussion).its a distructive and negative thing for both concerned and has obviously played a part in how things are now.

 

I wonder if your parents blaming your friend for new or changing events is something that has seeped into you and how you treat others... and you have subconsciously blamed and vented at her instead of dealing with things in a more effective way and escaping things that you need to be sorting out with others and for yourself?

 

I think you have to be honest with yourself in this and really think if you were you taking as much responsibility as you could have done for things in your life, were you victimising or running from things that needed to be discussed earlier.

 

 

but more than anything you have to think about what you want. do you want to be friends again? will you be prepared to think about what friendship is (in its equal and realistic form).

 

 

I think the distance is probably about people who not only live further away and are very busy with young children, but you have to talk with her and think realistically if the friendship has grown stale now and if things have just moved on more than will be brought back to where they were.

 

 

ironically in this post, i think it is her that will really have the say as to if you will be friends in the future again!

 

 

if you are not dealing with things then you need to work on that. she has obviously had strong feelings about this for a while so i think initially you ought to give her some space for at least a month or more and get your self sorted, so if you try to sort this out with her your head will be clearer and you will be able to communicate clearer to her and she can think again about whether friendship with you is worth trying to get back as it was.

 

it will take time, and if it doesn't work or she doesn't want to be friends again then you need to try to accept that however hard that is as you need to get your issues and yourself to a happier healthier place.

 

its good that you asked her what was up eventually, however, she has told you the truth now so you need to step back and start thinking about how to improve yourself and how that side of you is; as I don't think she would have told you so harshly if the problem wasn't how it was making her feel.

 

not all friendships last, and its sad when they don't, but maybe write her and let her know that you are prepared to work on yourself and how you treat others (or at least look into that) and ask if she would be prepared to meet up in a month or 2 to talk again in the hope of getting this matter sorted.

 

if she wants to it will happen.

 

the one thing that I really think you need to start with and you need to take it more seriously is this: if you have been advised and given medication for anxiety (or any other medical thing) then you need to be taking it!!!!!

 

obviously you need to see the doctor if its sleepy effects are putting you in danger or could do the same to others! there may be less drowsy pills you can take that will do the same thing for your personal situation and needs.

 

 

if you are taking medication sometimes and then not others you are messing with your body and mind!!!!! you've got to give yourself the chance to sort this...

 

BUT SEEK MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL ADVICE BEFORE YOU EVEN THINK OR ACTIVELY RE-TAKE MEDS!!!!!! AND GET A HEALTH CHECK UP TO MAKE SURE YOU WONT BE PUTTING YOURSELF OR BODY IN DANGER, OR MAKING YOURSELF SERIOUSLY ILL OR PUTTING YOURSELF IN A MEDICALLY CRITICAL TRAGIC POSITION!!!!.

 

maybe some of this situation and how you have reacted and are feeling about it is partly down to the fact that you are not medicating yourself as you've been advised to!!!! you have been given medication for a reason, so not to use it as prescribed by a professional is an abuse of getting medical help or medicines, its also a waste of state healthcare etc... and shows that you are not dealing with things or trusting in something that is there to help you feel stable and be more in control to recover stability in yourself.

 

 

its also possible that your beliefs and the changes you made may have been part of the anxiety and guilt for you (and possibly the resentment of your parents to your friend during the divorce) on a deeper level. but your friendship has survived a lot, so this thing isn't just about clutching for religion or beliefs to blame, I suspect things between you have been allowed to let themselves go and may have been taken for granted without discussing things properly, and so now you are where you are.

 

but regardless of what's gone on, you need to go back and speak to your doctor about the medication and get a professional health check to see if it is safe for you to take these pills or medicine again (or if you can get some different ones that can help with anxiety at the level and strength you need for your personal situation.

 

 

write to your friend to let her know about the meds outcome and that you are continuing with therapy to sort things for yourself; and ask if she'd be prepared to talk again in a month or 2.or consider in time when you are more stable in yourself would friendship be possible.

 

if she's not interested, then just keep working on yourself, there's nothing to say that in the much distant future she might not consider friendship, but you cant force her.and you don't know if you'll want to be a friend or even have the time. maybe lunch meetings are too much realistically for you both so maybe suggest meeting every few months to get together and chat.

 

if after all of this you are still, in the same position of not knowing where you are with her, then think about friendships that are going to be more healthful for you that are more equal in outlook, direction maturity and communication maybe. but you also need to think about your own directions and outlooks etc...

 

 

give yourself time. if its meant to be you guys can get back together to talk.

 

maybe your lives are just too much effort to be bothered with (only you and her will know if that's how it is now). but its true what others are saying here so you need to think about offloading and emotional issues you are bringing on her or others. you are seeing a professional therapist, friends shouldn't be used in the same way over and over, and most wont hang around anyway if they are made to feel that way (especially if its awkward for them to bring it up or they do and no one listens, so they tell you exactly how it is for them and it hurts!!!!!!)...but without knowing more about what went on for both you guys then it wont be possible to say on this post

to find the centre of this thing.

 

but this is a chance now to sort yourself out and if you are lucky or your medication is approved and you are able to take it safely after consultation, then you might find that clarity comes to you and you can see for yourself what the real situation is and was and why things were let to slide.

 

GOOD LUCK whatever happens...if you work on you, you might be lucky enough to get her back in your life. the fact that she is still around you is a positive thing, just don't abuse the things around you that are tying to help.

 

I think your friend is actually trying to help you, so you need to show her you will help yourself too and in the ways she has identified, and you might get a chance to sort this and some of the other issues out in your life in time.

 

ok, cya. maxi.

[preraph]

First want to note that I see a therapist often and I do have an anxiety medication but it makes me too sleepy so I don’t take it often. Maybe 10 times in the last year have I taken it. Also I’m not sure what you mean about detaching?

 

You should try taking it as directed and see if it stops making you sleepy, because it might. And then if it still makes you too sleepy to be able to take it, what you do is just go back to your therapist for a different med or meds and does adjustment. There are a lot of available meds! Don't give up.

[Zapbasket]

 

I finally got the courage to ask her what was up and the answer shocked me. We have been with each other through so much good and bad and she said she had to put distance between us because she felt like I victimized myself and could never take blame in all of the situations I had going on in my life. It hurt. It still hurts a lot and when I told her that what she had to say about me hurt, she only said that I was trying to victimize myself in this situation with her too. I am beyond confused. I even provided her with proof of things like emails from other relationships in which I take fault for myself. I then said to her that maybe she just got bored with me. Her explanation really doesn’t make sense as to why she should cut me off. It hurts so much and all I can think about is her and everything about us over the last several years.

 

Of course none of us can confirm whether what your friend said about you has any truth to it, but she was in the wrong to not just tell you what was up since you two had been through so much together. I don't understand why so many people won't just suck it up and confront a person about what's bothering them out of fear of hurting the other person's feelings (and, let's be honest, because they want to avoid potential conflict), only to cause MORE hurt by avoiding the issue, avoiding the person, and the person has no clue why they are being ignored / abandoned.

 

I don't understand why so few people have balls in their relationships. I cut a friendship off in my early twenties with a person who was bipolar and would suddenly go all Jekyll / Hyde on me as well as make really destructive decisions for her life, and it got to where I was both afraid and utterly drained by her. I just came out and told her exactly that and that I couldn't be friends with her and I was sorry. And she THANKED ME. She said other friends had been distancing themselves from her but none would tell her why. Ironically instead of hurting her more, my honesty actually gave her some dignity and the ability to decided whether to try to make some changes for herself.

 

Take some time to consider what your friend said, and if you think it has any merit work on the issue--not for her but for you. After some time has passed, if you still value this friend reach out to her, acknowledge that you took to heart what she said and apologize for being unaware of the issue in the past. Tell her how much she means to you and thank her for having the courage at last to be honest. You might be able to forge an even stronger friendship out of this this way.

 

And maybe, if we reward someone with thanks when they make the effort to be honest with us, more people will communicate their issues with us rather than slink away.

[Kamille]

I'm impressed that you had the courage to approach her. You took the steps to nurture the relationship. That show strength and maturity on your part.

 

In my experience, other people's perceptions of me are never fully right. Often, it feels more like they are projecting something about themselves onto me. Does your friend vent a lot too? Is she trying to change that about herself? If so, she might have been over-sensitive to you venting.

 

Take other people's perceptions with a grain of salt. Their perceptions do not define you. Besides, all humans are flawed. In the grand scheme of things "venting" and being a bit negative is fairly minor - and as you've seen the last time you spent time with her - fairly easy to correct.

[Lilly25]

I'm impressed that you had the courage to approach her. You took the steps to nurture the relationship. That show strength and maturity on your part.

 

In my experience, other people's perceptions of me are never fully right. Often, it feels more like they are projecting something about themselves onto me. Does your friend vent a lot too? Is she trying to change that about herself? If so, she might have been over-sensitive to you venting.

 

Take other people's perceptions with a grain of salt. Their perceptions do not define you. Besides, all humans are flawed. In the grand scheme of things "venting" and being a bit negative is fairly minor - and as you've seen the last time you spent time with her - fairly easy to correct.

 

 

I think you’re right. Some of the response here makes me feel like other people are being critical and telling me what to do. I think she was projecting and it was a bit unfair, but life goes on. It hurt at first, but the pain is fading now. I want friends that reciprocate wanting to be my friend as much as I do to them. Friends that don’t take everything they know about you and hold you accountable for it in the end. I’m a give nothing or all kind of person.

[basil67]

I had to distance myself from a friend recently. We started out being able to comfortably vent, but the venting became incessant and so many of the issues were due to her bad decisions. It made it so that I started to dread hearing my messenger ping.

 

Thing is, when someone leans on us at a level which is more than we can handle, it starts to affect our own mental health and the only option for us is to pull back. A friend can be a great person to talk with, but when issues become ongoing, this is when a therapist needs to step in. A friend simply doesn't always have the bandwidth to be a support person. It doesn't mean they are wrong or bad, it's just that they have to care for themselves too.

[Lilly25]

I get that. It makes total sense. Even when I had nothing to vent abou though, she would pull things out of me. I thought she enjoyed the problems of others to distract her from her own for awhile. She said things that made this seem like it was indeed true and I think it was, until she suddenly changed.