Daughter's decision

[merrmeade]

My daughter, age 37, just had an abortion, and I am very sad. PLEASE don't comment if you have extreme, emotional views about the morality of abortion itself or the other way, the necessity for a woman to have a choice. This is NOT about that. I am personally pro-choice, but if just one person comes in here and starts ranting or lecturing, I swear I'll ask for the thread to be closed.

 

Please just try to see this as a difficulty with parenting or move on.

 

So. I have 3 children. There are two sons with families—two children each. My daughter has a high-powered career as an artist and full-time tenured art professor in a university. She has said many times that she doesn't want to get married or have children. She doesn't think she can manage more than her career and herself.

 

I've accepted this and put it behind me although, as the only girl and because she's who she is, our relationship was exceptionally close. The boys, it seems, had to pull away to figure out their manhood and that's as it should be. My daughter, however, and I only became closer.

 

There's also a strong matrilineal theme in my family. It's not as academic as it sounds. My mother and I were also very close and she gave me the family stories of the women and their mothers back several generations. There's always been this sense of continuation through the women.

 

This pregnancy obviously was unexpected. She's in a loving, exclusive relationship, so I half expected and hoped that she would reconsider her decision. She thought about it deeply and talked to me and her partner but finally decided for all very good reasons that she couldn't do it now but may later. I don't actually think that's very likely given her age and all the factors affecting her decision now.

 

I brought her up hearing my own impassioned views about a woman's right to choose. She attended the private girls' school where I taught and became a strong, intelligent, independent woman. I myself have had two abortions, the first when I was 19 in my second year of college. I've never regretted it. The second was when I was 40 with three children, a demanding, full-time teaching job and a husband who was useless as far as parenting was concerned or support for me. (I now know he'd already cheated on me several times by then.) I do have regrets about that one, and it was much more difficult emotionally because I'd already had three.

 

So now, intellectually I feel it is a woman's right to choose but when it comes to my children I have no objectivity and feel emotionally attached to the idea and the reality of their children. My son had the same dilemma with his girlfriend. They both came to me for advice and I said I saw no reason why they should not go ahead and have the child. They were in a long-term relationship and were in a position to take care of it. I promised to be there for them and help. I also said it was HER decision and would support whatever that would be.

 

But it's so different with my daughter. I said the same thing to her, but I also told her every reason I thought she could have it and be glad she did. I told her one NEVER regrets having a child. I emphasized the closeness that's shared and the value you feel as a parent. I gave all the reasons why I thought she would be all right, but she still chose not to have it. I do understand: Her boyfriend is not 100% committed for one thing and already has two children. He has said he didn't want more. She just started her job last year and it's insanely demanding. She would not do it as well if she had a child to look after. She would also have to sacrifice her ambition and success as an artist that she's enjoyed. With the kind of art work she does, it would be very difficult.

 

She says the decision was hard for all the reasons I felt, too. She says she knows it would be a very close, rewarding relationship because of her relationship with me. She felt this was what she should do.

 

So all I can do is support her and I shall, but I am so sad. It was a life event I'd looked forward to since she was little. It would be beautiful to watch her with her own child. There's nothing like the bond that women in a family share.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Gentle commiseration I guess but also encouragement to support her and the life she's chosen. It's selfish to feel it as a loss for myself. I know that it was hard for her, too. It really has gotten to me though. I can't stop thinking about it.

 

I can still love her just for her, but I do feel a deep regret and loss. I hope she'll get back to the possibility in a few years, but I don't think she will at her age.

 

I'll just ask one last time. Please don't comment if you can't see both sides. Just move on by and be political somewhere else please.

[basil67]

I hear you. I happen to be pro-choice, but I very much understand both sides of the debate. My daughter does not want children because she's more genetically at risk of having a child on the autism spectrum. And my son won't be having any because of his autism. While I support her choice, on a personal level I would very sad to never be a grandma one day. If she was to terminate a pregnancy because of this, I'd have to do a lot of private grieving.

[merrmeade]

I hear you. I happen to be pro-choice, but I very much understand both sides of the debate. My daughter does not want children because she's more genetically at risk of having a child on the autism spectrum. And my son won't be having any because of his autism. While I support her choice, on a personal level I would very sad to never be a grandma one day. If she was to terminate a pregnancy because of this, I'd have to do a lot of private grieving.

Exactly. You understand. And it does have to be private. That's one of the requirements of being a good parent—not burdening your child with your pain.

 

I have a niece with bipolar disorder who decided not to have children for all very good reasons. Her sister, the only other sibling, can't have children because of a chronic disease. Now I know how my brother and his wife feel.

 

Maybe your daughter can do testing and get more information and more options?

Edited August 21, 2018 by merrmeade

[amaysngrace]

That's a tough place to be. I know I would be devastated to know that my daughter went through with it if I were in your shoes. She's only 20 and still in school but she has said many times that she never wants children. To be so close and not have it happen would break my heart too.

 

Sometimes she shows me pictures of babies on her social media feeds and she gets so happy to see babies so I have hope but having said she doesn't want them over and over again makes me think her mind is made up.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss xo

[basil67]

Exactly. You understand. And it does have to be private. That's one of the requirements of being a good parent—not burdening your child with your pain.

 

I have a niece with bipolar disorder who decided not to have children for all very good reasons. Her sister, the only other sibling, can't have children because of a chronic disease. Now I know how my brother and his wife feel.

 

Maybe your daughter can do testing and get more information and more options?

 

No such options for my daughter. There are no tests to detect either risk...we simply work off anecdotal evidence of how strongly it can in families. Thing is though, it's far from certain that it would even happen to her, but she sees me having dedicated my life to caring and doesn't want to take the risk.

 

I'm really sad for your brother and his wife. A sensible decision by your niece, but still a blow to them all.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandchild. To you this was a being you were willing to love & care for but for whatever reason your daughter made another choice. I'm sure it wasn't easy or rash. She has always told you motherhood wasn't for her & she made the decision in keeping with her world view.

 

Try not to judge her. Keep your grief away from her. She doesn't need more guilt because that won't help anybody or bring the baby back.

 

Do find an outlet or somebody else you can talk to about this.

[glows]

I hope and pray you are able to find strength each day that passes. I feel also like your daughter needs you now more than ever as her mother and friend. Having an abortion (or even a miscarriage) is not easy. She may have done it for logical reasons but just as you are able to look back years later, she may do that too and with all your wealth of experience, I think that you both have a very good opportunity to build that mother-daughter relationship.

 

Sadness can sometimes be mistaken for anger when it's misappropriated and it turns into resentment. If you have healthy outlets, try that. If you like photography, painting, writing or just need to talk you can always come back to this thread. Try not to let the sadness turn into resentment. It sounds like you have a lot of respect for your daughter and I am certain she does for you too.

 

There are reasons for why your daughter hasn't prioritized having children of her own. Remember that it doesn't mean it will never happen but you should try to be realistic and accept that she won't ever be ready to have a child. Your daughter could have been the mother of six or seven or ten kids by now with different fathers even. Why didn't she? She's got a mind of her own and that's something to be proud of as a mother. I hope you get through this and will keep checking this thread.

[preraph]

I think everything you and her are feeling are normal feelings. It's just a heartwrenching decision. But she knows what she wants. She doesn't choose the lifestyle it would require. She has her own path ahead of her. It's normal to feel grief and all that. It's one of those "roads not taken" things that may always be a question mark. But she seems to know what she wants to do and her own limitations. I didn't have kids for much the same reasons as her. I couldn't see myself in that lifestyle. I had things to do. With time, it will be easier for you both.

 

And I'm sure you realize that this experience with your daughter has dredged up every feeling you ever experience back when you had the decision to make yourself, and I think that's why your reaction is startling you a bit. It's not all about her. It's about reliving it.

 

Best wishes to you both.

[merrmeade]

Thank you all. Each and every reply has given me some new understanding or reinforced what i know is the most helpful way to be about this. I’ve read them all 2-3 times. It also eases the weight of it just to get it all said ‘out loud’ and to feel understood.

 

The highs and lows of being a parent, the challenges and triumphs are some of the most important life experiences we have — to me. It can be so lonely to do and say the right thing and hold your ground. It makes you truly humble if you consider humility a virtue.

[Mr. Lucky]

That's one of the requirements of being a good parent—not burdening your child with your pain.

 

I'd guess the challenge for you will be twofold. Besides the consideration you're showing her now, chances are she'll come to you at some point in the future regretting her choice. That might be the tougher of the two to handle gracefully.

 

Sorry for your loss...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

That's a tough place to be. I know I would be devastated to know that my daughter went through with it if I were in your shoes. She's only 20 and still in school but she has said many times that she never wants children. To be so close and not have it happen would break my heart too.

 

Sometimes she shows me pictures of babies on her social media feeds and she gets so happy to see babies so I have hope but having said she doesn't want them over and over again makes me think her mind is made up.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss xo

I think we secretly hope they’ll change their minds when faced with real choice. I did and that’s another reason for the disappointment. She chose; I’ll cope. But I appreciate Portia’s reminder to keep it to myself. She shouldn’t have the responsibility of my grieving on top of her own.

[glows]

Thank you all. Each and every reply has given me some new understanding or reinforced what i know is the most helpful way to be about this. I’ve read them all 2-3 times. It also eases the weight of it just to get it all said ‘out loud’ and to feel understood.

 

The highs and lows of being a parent, the challenges and triumphs are some of the most important life experiences we have — to me. It can be so lonely to do and say the right thing and hold your ground. It makes you truly humble if you consider humility a virtue.

 

You are so kind, merrmeade. I can feel that from your writing or how you relate in your trouble. I think kindness will naturally prevail in kind hearts. Just remember to be kind to yourself. Reconnect with your husband too and share with him your sadness and also remember to share your joys together as a couple. You both brought wonderful children into the world. You don't have to bear that sadness alone. You are truly blessed with your family.

[noelle303]

I don't think it's selfish at all to feel like this is your loss. It is a loss and it's perfectly ok to view it as such and grieve it (naturally, away from your daughter).

 

I am very much pro-choice as well. And when I found myseelf unexpectedly pregnant at 20, I remember weighing all my options and deciding to keep my daughter. I knew back then that continuing my pregnancy will also be a certain type of loss for the life I thought I'd have.

 

And when I was talking to my mom years later she said she felt the same way - that she mourned that vision of what my youth and my life would look like.

 

I mean, that's life I guess, there are some things you miss out on and other things you gain and thrive in. Your daughter also weighed these same options and decided what she is and isn't ok with losing. That doesn't mean that it isn't a loss and that you don't get to be sad about it.

 

Maybe you should allow yourself to feel this without trying to rationalize it and with time it will heal and you'll focus once again on all the things your daughter acomplished and experienced in her life and the wonderful relationship you two share.

[merrmeade]

I'm sorry for the loss of your grandchild. To you this was a being you were willing to love & care for but for whatever reason your daughter made another choice. I'm sure it wasn't easy or rash. She has always told you motherhood wasn't for her & she made the decision in keeping with her world view.

 

Try not to judge her. Keep your grief away from her. She doesn't need more guilt because that won't help anybody or bring the baby back.

 

Do find an outlet or somebody else you can talk to about this.

The succinct directness of the remark (in bold) I really need to hear. It’s the essential, obvious but easy to ignore fact when you’re grieving. I haven’t had to control my behavior that much since they were teenagers but it IS what you do.

[merrmeade]

chances are she'll come to you at some point in the future regretting her choice.

 

I’m grateful someone mentioned this and you’re absolutely right. It could be harder but at the same time it would be affirmation of her trust and my success in keeping my issues to myself if she DID feel she could articulate such a regret to me.

[bradt93]

Exactly. You understand. And it does have to be private. That's one of the requirements of being a good parent—not burdening your child with your pain.

 

I have a niece with bipolar disorder who decided not to have children for all very good reasons. Her sister, the only other sibling, can't have children because of a chronic disease. Now I know how my brother and his wife feel.

 

Maybe your daughter can do testing and get more information and more options?

I have bipolar disorder too and I don't want any children, because I don't want my son or daughter carrying it. I can't risk it. Sometimes, it makes me sad and I'm confliceted sometimes, but I can't bring myself to put my kid through that.

[Robert]

Let's post helpful not hateful posts please, thanks

[Corazon de Leon]

The close relationship with your daughter at 37yo should really be celebrated here. That's such a beautiful thing.

 

For many years I had alot of pressure to have a child. It made me very sad that none of my matriarchs understood ME and MY life. There was pressure from other people too. I felt alone and misunderstood. I'm grateful for both you and your daughter that she's not in this position.

 

Mermaid our female ancestors fought HARD for us to have the yet to be seen equal rights as men, we've come a long way though! Still a very long way to go.

 

I guess reminding yourself that it was, is and always will be her choice is important.

 

But I completely understand your grief, you need time and space to grieve.

 

It felt like an assault to my senses the first few times my daughter said she'd never have children. In fact it felt like she was attempting to insult me and my choices TO have children. Like she looked down upon me for choosing to be a mother. Another mindset of a patriarchal society.

 

Hence I conditioned my mind to never be a grandmother and to never ever put pressure on my own children the way it had been done to me.

 

Maybe I'm trying to say that's its admirable you have such a close relationship with your daughter, that she talked it all through with you. That she loves, respects and trusts you so much that she could talk with you.

 

I Pray she never regrets her choice. You've raised an amazing woman.

 

Corazon de Leon

[merrmeade]

The close relationship with your daughter at 37yo should really be celebrated here. That's such a beautiful thing.

 

For many years I had alot of pressure to have a child. It made me very sad that none of my matriarchs understood ME and MY life. There was pressure from other people too. I felt alone and misunderstood. I'm grateful for both you and your daughter that she's not in this position.

 

Mermaid our female ancestors fought HARD for us to have the yet to be seen equal rights as men, we've come a long way though! Still a very long way to go.

 

I guess reminding yourself that it was, is and always will be her choice is important.

 

But I completely understand your grief, you need time and space to grieve.

 

It felt like an assault to my senses the first few times my daughter said she'd never have children. In fact it felt like she was attempting to insult me and my choices TO have children. Like she looked down upon me for choosing to be a mother. Another mindset of a patriarchal society.

 

Hence I conditioned my mind to never be a grandmother and to never ever put pressure on my own children the way it had been done to me.

 

Maybe I'm trying to say that's its admirable you have such a close relationship with your daughter, that she talked it all through with you. That she loves, respects and trusts you so much that she could talk with you.

 

I Pray she never regrets her choice. You've raised an amazing woman.

 

Corazon de Leon

Thank you so much. That was beautiful.

 

And you're absolutely right: She's an amazing woman. And I'm so lucky that she cherishes our close relationship as much as I do. And I guess I'm flattered that my good opinion matters to her without any strings attached, that she seeks my advice in times of greatest need. She doesn't always heed it my advice, however, which I hope is because she knows that I respect her autonomy.

 

I don't think she'll ever regret her choice because it was right for her circumstances at the time. Her future needs are unknown to her at this time; she won't punish herself for not knowing them.

 

Anyway, as I said before, I've gotten some astute, deeply feeling responses in this thread from women AND men that I've read more than once for the relief, insight, respect and camaraderie they gave me. This is one of those.

[Leigh 87]

That's a tough place to be. I know I would be devastated to know that my daughter went through with it if I were in your shoes. She's only 20 and still in school but she has said many times that she never wants children. To be so close and not have it happen would break my heart too.

 

Sometimes she shows me pictures of babies on her social media feeds and she gets so happy to see babies so I have hope but having said she doesn't want them over and over again makes me think her mind is made up.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss xo

 

I used to tell my mother the same thing.

 

I swore up and down that I NEVER wanted children.

 

In fact, I said this for years after - well into my 20's.

 

I actually used to ate toddlers. I could not stand them. I never smiled over babies or went near them

 

I am now desperate to one day have my own child. Go figure.

 

Don't give up entirely, women can change their minds, often with age and meeting the right partner with whom they feel the desire to have children with.

[merrmeade]

That’s what I’m hoping.

[merrmeade]

I really wasn’t conscious of this longing for a GIRL-child from my DAUGHTER. It’s not rational or logical or fair. Maybe if my sons hadn’t had kids I’d be beating tribal drums for their progeny. I don’t know but don’t think so. Some men really want a boy. I feel like I’ve known this little girl, HER little girl, a long time already.

 

Maybe it’s primal. She carries the DNA, the X chromosome. She continues the matrilineal line and the deep bond between mothers and daughters for generations in my family. She also receives a gift: an ability, need even, to nurture, enrich and mold little beings into noble souls who will also inspire future mankind. Primal, crazy and a little narcissistic or maybe a lot.

Edited September 3, 2018 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

I really wasn’t conscious of this longing for a GIRL-child from my DAUGHTER. It’s not rational or logical or fair. Maybe if my sons hadn’t had kids I’d beat tribal drums for their progeny. I don’t know but don’t think so. Some men really want a boy. Thing is, I feel like I already know this little girl, HER little girl, the other side of her own heart just like she owned half of my heart. She carries and passes on the DNA and the X chromosome. She’s me to my mother, my mother to my grandmother and on back. She passes on the fierce love and promise to fellow man to rear only noble souls but then so do my sons. It IS irrational because my sons are nurturers to their kids and utterly committed to their parent roles. Maybe I need to give them all a bigger break.

 

Oops duplicates.

[Veronica73]

You sound like a wonderful mother and have a beautiful relationship with your daughter. And I love that in your family you have had such a strong matrilineal line. I wouldn’t be surprised if that has something to do with why your daughter is so successful. Art is not an easy career, especially for women.

 

You’ve mentioned a few times that you don’t think she will have children, because of her age. I don’t know much/anything about it, but I have heard of women getting their eggs frozen so it takes the pressure off of rushing things. Maybe that would be a possibility, just in case she wants to have kids later when her career is more established. Just a thought.

[merrmeade]

Thank you. I agree that's an interesting possibility. I"ll ask her.