burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Here lately I feel like I'm losing my mind. My husband keeps leaving earlier and earlier for work when his job is right at 10 minutes away. He is currently leaving 40 minutes before he has to be there and he doesnt stop and easy breakfaat or anything. He swears he goes straight to work except occasionally stopping at the gas station that is on his way. When I ask him about it he blows up. Here lately his entire demeanor towards me has changed he is constantly cold towards me, upset with me, yelling at me, or just ignores me. If i point out how he is treating me he denies he is treating me that way or making me feel that way. He even when he goes to the bathroom to use the bathroom goes to the upper floor that way her can hear me coming or as he says can get some peace while spending 30 minutes to an hour using the bathroom entry single time sometimes multiple times a day. I've asked him if there is anything I should know or if there is any chance he is cheating and he vehemently denies it but the last time he acted this way was when a young secretary was constantly texting him and even one time when he took the day off she even tracked me down and messaged me on fb asking where he was and she was worried about him when she has never even met me. He never admitted to any wrong doing then and he has already had a similar situation with another female employee at his new job that he swears he has done nothing wrong and did nothing to encourage her. Here lately it's become a habit to cry my heart out when he is at work because everything in me is saying something is wrong but he won't tell me which he did used to have a bad history of lying to me so there is a chance he wouldn't tell me. Am I losing my mind or jumping to conclusions because this is tearing me apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 burns7272New Member New A good example is this morning he started to leave another 10 minutes earlier shop I tried to ask him about it. He immediately blew up yelling at me and being sarcastic. A few minutes after he left I called him to actually apologize if I upset him but before I even said hello he was yelling at me again so I blew up pointing out what I was trying to tell him at the house. 30 minutes later he sent me 3 nasty text messages, yelling at me in the texts and all of this because I asked him if there wad anything I needed to know because he was leaving earlier and earlier. Here lately all I get is yelling or disrespect and he always has an excuse to justify his treatment of me and make his treatment of me ok. Just like part of his texts he sent that were pretty much yelling at me made everything he has done this morning ok because I was nagging in his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Okay I don't understand why you are still married to this guy. He's already cheated and is now or leaving early to be away from you. Do you work? If so, dress really nice and start going out after work with your friends. Why be at home when he doesn't appreciate you or act as if he even wants you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 The thing is I dnt know for a fact he has ever cheated. Yeah I know all the signs are there which i have pointed out to him but he denies it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 And no I don't work. I was severely injured in the military so I stay at home most of the time which is something that he constantly puts me down about. He doesn't do it as bad as he used to buy Ebert time he gets mad the first thing out of his mouth is "you never go anywhere" even though every single weekend I try to go out and do at least one thing with him but even that is not good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Well if he doesn't stop acting this way what do you plan to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 I honestly don't know. I just want him to act like he loves me but then again he didn't see that how he treats me is wrong or that how he treats me isn't how someone who loves you treats you. Just like this morning he sees nothing wrong with him leaving 40 minutes before he has to be at work, he doesn't see anything wrong in how he treated me this morning, he even asked why should he apologize when I pointed out how he was hurtimg me. I just wish I knew what to do to get him to understand or what I need to change to get him to understand and act like he loves me even when he doesnt want to. Which I honestly have no clue what else I can change about myself and what I do. Everything he has yelled at me about I have changed and it feels like I'm still not good enough or he wouldn't treat me like he did this morning, he wouldn't be going to the next floor to use the bathroom for an hour, he wouldn't leave 40 minutes before he has to be at work when his work is 5 miles away. I just don't know what to do. I don't even know if I'm being overemotional and if how he is treating me is normal married life because he makes me feel like everything I do and about me is wrong and everything he does is ok and normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 For all I know maybe I am overreacting and everything he is doing is normal and how a loving husband acts. I've never been married before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 (edited) Another good example is this weekend we went out to eat with his dad. After we finished eating I went to smoke (we're my husband could see me we were eating outside) and I looked up and him and his dad was gone. I went running after him not sure if they went to the car or a store next door. After I saw they didn't go to the car it turns out they went to the store next door. He just left me there without telling me they were leaving even though I was right in front of him 15 feet away. When I pointed that out trying to let him know that hurt me to just leave me there not even telling me they were leaving making me run after them he blamed his actions on me saying "I shouldn't be smoking every 30 seconds" when I actually went out to smoke to give him and his dad a few minutes alone since he only sees him once every few months. We ended up getting in an argument over it with him putting me down yelling at me over and over how I shouldn't have been going out to smoke every 30 seconds. I tried over and over to explain to him why it was wrong what he did and why it hurt me and all he did was keep yelling at me making the same excuse over and over making what he did ok. Even the next day he was still justifying what he did and could have cared less that I thought what he did was wrong and hurtful by Just leaving me there. I could give examples all day long. Edited August 21, 2018 by burns7272 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 I just need to know if what he is doing and how he is treating me is normal, if I'm just being overemotional and imagining things, and what I need to do to get him too treat me like he loves me. Don't get me wrong he doesn't always act like this. For 2 to 6 months he will be the most loving considerate husband and then out of nowhere he starts acting like this and doing things like this for a few weeks to a month and then he goes back to acting like he loves me again Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 I think you should get a GPS tracker and put it on his car. Then you can see what time he actually gets to work and perhaps if he stops somewhere on the way. If he is having sex with someone at work this won't help but if they meet somewhere else, this will let you know. Is he secretive with his phone? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
treehugger12 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 Can I ask how old you guys are and how long you've been married? Do you have children? I would be very suspicious of his behavior, I think you should give him some space and start your own investigation. Check cell phone records, try and check his phone if you get the chance, I would be very suspicious if he is very protective of his phone, GPS, follow him after he leaves for work. But be careful. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 No. His treatment of you is not normal. He treats you so horribly that him having an affair would be irrelevant. I’d leave him TODAY even if he was the most faithful person on earth (which I don’t believe he even comes close to that). Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 We are 36 and 37. We have Been together for 3 or 4 years now but only been married about a year and a half. Both of us have children from previous relationships but none of them live with us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 So I'm not being overemotional, or irrational, or deserving of the way he is treating me? I guess every time he has hurt me he has blamed his actions on me that I have started believing that him hurting me or doing things that hurt me like him just leaving me at the restaurant is somehow my fault or that I'm just to sensitive or love him too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 And I can't go down that road of investigating. Nothing good will come of it but then again he sees nothing wrong with any of his actions. Ive tried explaining it to him. He doesn't see them as wrong or suspicious and at this point I guess he has me finally believing that too. It's why I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just know it hurts and him blaming the hurt on me makes it so much worse. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 You feel like you're losing your mind because his gaslighting is working. I know you don't want to, but you're either going to have to do some investigating (any way to get a hold of his phone?), leave him, or put up with it. He might not be cheating, but whatever it is, he's up to no good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author burns7272 Posted August 21, 2018 Author Share Posted August 21, 2018 Which I didn't know it until a few seconds ago but apparently with the text messages my husband sent me this morning he also sent a video of him pulling into work being very sarcastic about him only being 15 minutes early and cussing me out. Every other word was f this and f'ing that while he is yelling. I can't believe he actually made and sent a special video just to bless and cuss me out in it but of course he sees nothing wrong with him doing that because I "nagged" him this morning when I tried to voice my concerns so I deserved it. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 21, 2018 Share Posted August 21, 2018 And I can't go down that road of investigating. Nothing good will come of it but then again he sees nothing wrong with any of his actions. Ive tried explaining it to him. He doesn't see them as wrong or suspicious and at this point I guess he has me finally believing that too. It's why I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just know it hurts and him blaming the hurt on me makes it so much worse. Well there is no point in continuing to badger and question him because he is never going to tell you the truth. What do you mean when you say no good can come from investigating? Is it because you are afraid to know the truth? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 I think he's cheating on you with someone from work. So he goes into work early and meets her there. The rest of his behaviour points to wayward behaviour. I think you'd find better help on websites for dealing with infidelity. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 I honestly don't know. I just want him to act like he loves me Unfortunately burns7272, you're only in charge of you. You don't control his actions, only your reaction to them. And your reactions so far have simply enabled him to act out further. Is he open to marriage counseling? At the least, that would give you a structured chance to speak your mind... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 There are several things going on here. 1). You are disabled from your time in the military. Thank you for your service. Have you gotten counseling for that through the VA? Your injuries are not just physical. Even if you are 100% service connected if you are not getting Social Security then you can still work. Find some sort of job, even PT fast food so you have something to do. You will feel better about yourself if you have more of a purpose. You will also become more attractive to him because you will have something going on. 2). You want his behavior to change. You want him to love you. Yet, you refuse to investigate his behavior. The GPS tracker is a good idea. So is plain old following him in the morning. Maybe he does just go sit in his car in the parking lot of work. 40 minutes doesn't really seem like enough time to have an affair. Either way your refusal to investigate is causing part of your problem. This limbo hell is of your own making. Take some action. Use the leadership & action skills drilled into by the military. Nobody every won a war sitting in the barracks dithering. 3). Although his method of communicating about it is horrible, acknowledge that your smoking bothers him. No he should not have disappeared on you but if you have known he hates it when you smoke, have you at least tried to cut down? This is my own soap box, but it's a dirty, filthy, smelly, disgusting, expensive habit that robs you of good heath. Finally perhaps marriage counseling will help you. You made a choice to marry so at some point you must have liked each other. Find your way back to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 He is treating you very poorly. He seems likely to me (a betrayed spouse) to be having an affair. If you are in a no fault state, just file for divorce. If you are in an at fault state, make efforts to investigate this. At the absolute minimum start making preparations to leave him - he may already be doing the same. See a lawyer ASAP. Understand that a lot can happen between filing for divorce before actually being divorced. It show him you can stand up for yourself and not be treated like crap. If investigation shows he is cheating, out him to everyone who knows him. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 22, 2018 Share Posted August 22, 2018 Well there is no point in continuing to badger and question him because he is never going to tell you the truth. What do you mean when you say no good can come from investigating? Is it because you are afraid to know the truth?[/QUOTE] Yep, and she also knows she isn't going to leave him even if he is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyM Posted August 24, 2018 Share Posted August 24, 2018 I wonder if this has to do with drugs? Just a guess. If he is so secretive, it is either another woman, drugs, alcohol or something sneaky or illegal he does not want you to know about. Is this in the evening or morning? Link to post Share on other sites
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