Who to believe?!

[No_Go]

It's really weird...

 

Since you didn't live together you can't be sure he wasn't using ... maybe his addiction is worse than you think.

 

Or (hope not!) he met another woman and was planning an exit?

 

Or it was really the marriage pressure... Once a therapist told me she's seeing 10s of people going through this - relationship goes well until it has to transition to next stage (whatever it is - moving in, engagement, baby etc) - then people reevaluate and back off. It sucks but it seems common...

 

Anyway, no need to do anything right now besides taking care of yourself. Just observe if he'll reach out or not, and if he does, what does he have to say. If I were you I'd not reach out - leave it on him.

 

 

Before the break were absolutely fine. we spoke all day every day and saw each other six times a week . We didn’t officially live together because I didn’t want to live with somebody without being at least engaged first and he was fine with that . He was very supportive partner the best I ever had . We were truly a team . His personally transformation really felt like it happened overnight .

[JiltedJane]

It's really weird...

 

Since you didn't live together you can't be sure he wasn't using ... maybe his addiction is worse than you think.

 

Or (hope not!) he met another woman and was planning an exit?

 

Or it was really the marriage pressure... Once a therapist told me she's seeing 10s of people going through this - relationship goes well until it has to transition to next stage (whatever it is - moving in, engagement, baby etc) - then people reevaluate and back off. It sucks but it seems common...

 

Anyway, no need to do anything right now besides taking care of yourself. Just observe if he'll reach out or not, and if he does, what does he have to say. If I were you I'd not reach out - leave it on him.

 

We didn’t officially live together but he stayed there overnight six out of seven days a week. some of this Crap is still at my place including his computer.

[JiltedJane]

Oops, misread the OP.

 

*deleted*

 

 

 

Huh? Did you put another post I missed?

[preraph]

Does it seem at all plausible that he will contact me again in the future? Is it normal to shut yourself off completely from the one you love?

 

I also want to add that I was going to help pay for my ring or use my gma’s and I wanted a simple court house wedding. He was gong-ho about having a kid and pushing for it for over a year.

 

Does anyone know how long recovery takes ( esp if they hadn’t relapsed). I know every situation is unique, I’m looking for a ballpark figure here.

 

Both my sister and I have had male friends/past lovers who became alcoholics. Or rather, never slowed down -- we all drank. So she'd known Jack many years and they were very close friends. I'm sure she'd say soul mates. Past lovers. They remained friends through it all. Once his drinking became a problem (hitting a woman) and she showed her disapproval, he just stopped contacting her.

 

Mine was a past bf and he didn't live around me anymore but I was in touch. So he messed his marriage up and divorced because all he did was work and drink. Then he got in AA and came around me a little more and was supposedly sober for awhile. He had told me he never drank around their boy, who was now a young teenager. Then he came to town with his boy and we had lunch and he sat there and drank coctails at lunch. So I spoke up, said, I thought you told me you weren't doing that anymore. And he vanished from my life.

 

Addicts do not like being around people close to them who know them and who they know are RIGHT and who they know will try to intervene because they choose whatever they're addicted to and don't want to think about it.

 

It's true what the other poster said: Most serious addicts are addicts because they have some emotional pain in their background they are anesthetizing. So it makes it hard to stop.

 

Unless he has started an affair when he fell off the wagon, I'd expect him to come crawling back if he stops drinking again. But I'd also expect him to disappear on you again down the road. If it's not already too late, don't have kids with him. Kids don't understand this crap and it's unfair to them.

[SpecialJ]

This is a part of who he is and what's going to come with the full package. This won't be the first or last time he struggles with his addiction. Are you able to accept that and everything it means in a life long partnership?

 

If we give him the benefit of the doubt and he's replacing it with food, then he's still lacking healthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress and his underlying issues. Is he currently in any sort of therapy? Is he open to learning some new, healthier coping tools? He definitely sounds like he needs some help right now.

 

I wouldn't assume this timing is about commitment fears. I suspect there's more going on.

[JiltedJane]

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my current situation, my ex and I broke up ten days ago. He started having the urge to relapse and said he needed/wanted time alone to think about things. He swore I’m the love of his life, was still in love with me, and would contact me again once he got his head out of his ass ( I believe the third part). I have not spoken to him since and am giving myself 1-2 months before making a decision on what to do.

 

However.... he told his sister that we broke up because we couldn’t come to an agreement on marriage and I refused to compromise. We did have an argument about marriage but over what the plan was. Idk if he didn’t tell her his relapse issue to cover his ass (they live in same house), or if he lied to me about it. I’m getting paranoid . She told me though that he said he would reach out to me in a month or two.

My vibe from her was more pure and hopeful.

Next our mutual friend. Our friend “jay” was in love with me for years and every time I had a breakup he would aggressively try to pounce on me. My ex wanted to date me for years and jay would stop him saying how he was interested. Now he’s married but always asks if I ever ask/talk about him. Anyway, his mom saw me and said she was sorry about my breakup but from what she knows it isn’t a done deal. When I asked jay about it he said “ my mom likes to put positive spins on things. According to Ex, you guys are definitely done.”

 

So my head is spinning. Should I believe my ex, his sister, or jay? Maybe a combo of them?

 

Also does 2 months of no contact seem extreme?

[Zahara]

I think you don't listen or believe anyone but find acceptance that your relationship is over and that he has chosen to end it with you. Focusing on who said what and trying to read minds is only feeding you false hope. Accept your current situation and treat it as a break-up rather than try to predict what's going to happen and have these hidden expectations because that is a futile effort and often times brings disappointment.

 

Focus on moving on, stay NC and try to create a life without him in it. If in time he returns, you'll have better clarity if you still want this relationship. If he doesn't then you will be well on your way in your healing and moving forward.

 

And don't chase someone who wants to walk away from you. It is their responsibility to win you back, not yours.

[BC1980]

I think it could be both reasons, one reason, or neither reason. There's really no way to tell because they all seem plausible. I understand wanting to know why the relationship ended, but knowing won't help. The end result is the same. Because he's not trustworthy, I don't think you'll ever know for sure. You can't trust what he's telling you, so what can you do?

[bathtub-row]

For all those people passing on messages, I’d send one back saying that ex bf will be lucky to find you waiting around for him. There’s nothing that can run a person off faster than someone who allows themselves to be treated like a doormat. Just consider the relationship over and tell that to anyone listening. Your ex should hear that message even with his head up his ass.

[MountainGirl111]

Hmmmm.

 

Who should you believe? Here's what I would do: I would stick with the facts as YOU know them. Stick with the facts. 2 months of no contact. Relapse. Dealing with addiction as your future with him.

 

Don't go by what others say about him. That's heresay and could be their own subjective interpretations.

 

Review the facts and believe yourSELF. Try not to let your feelings cloud your judgement.

[Ralph79]

For those of you who are unfamiliar with my current situation, my ex and I broke up ten days ago. He started having the urge to relapse and said he needed/wanted time alone to think about things. He swore I’m the love of his life, was still in love with me, and would contact me again once he got his head out of his ass ( I believe the third part). I have not spoken to him since and am giving myself 1-2 months before making a decision on what to do.

 

However.... he told his sister that we broke up because we couldn’t come to an agreement on marriage and I refused to compromise. We did have an argument about marriage but over what the plan was. Idk if he didn’t tell her his relapse issue to cover his ass (they live in same house), or if he lied to me about it. I’m getting paranoid . She told me though that he said he would reach out to me in a month or two.

My vibe from her was more pure and hopeful.

Next our mutual friend. Our friend “jay” was in love with me for years and every time I had a breakup he would aggressively try to pounce on me. My ex wanted to date me for years and jay would stop him saying how he was interested. Now he’s married but always asks if I ever ask/talk about him. Anyway, his mom saw me and said she was sorry about my breakup but from what she knows it isn’t a done deal. When I asked jay about it he said “ my mom likes to put positive spins on things. According to Ex, you guys are definitely done.”

 

So my head is spinning. Should I believe my ex, his sister, or jay? Maybe a combo of them?

 

Also does 2 months of no contact seem extreme?

 

I'm reviewing your past posts regarding this partner of yours and there are some observations I'd like to make for your benefit:

 

Back in March 8th 2017 you posted the following:

 

"Please be kind with any replies you may leave. I'm really hurting.

My bf of 9 months broke up with me out of the blue last august."

 

"We've been apart almost as long as we were together. Why am I again getting depressed over him?"

 

This would mean that you were single and out of that relationship by August 2016. Still hurting from the breakup several months later as per your post.

 

On October 5th 2016, while you were still trying to overcome your breakup you dated a guy who was supposedly pranked/framed by a bitter Ex on an STD site online. Mind you this happened during a period after that breakup in which you stated: "The first 2.5 months I was a complete sh*t show. Overly depressed and drank way to much."

 

Then on July 23rd 2018, you posted the following:

 

Let me start of by saying were both in our mid thirties so you all have an idea of the time frame my mind is at and the maturity level.

 

My bf and I have been dating two years and have had the worst 3 weeks. We had been planning to elope this october

 

Which would mean that your current BF (or ExBF on break), is either that guy from the STD site from October 2016 or a guy you met afterwards. I don't mean to nitpick on dates, I know we have to be vague on details for privacy's sake, but I also want to have your story straight.

 

Because if you have been dating this guy for 2 years, or nearly 2 years, that meant your post from a year and a half ago in which you stated you were still depressed over your 9month BF from 2015-16 happened while you were dating your current guy.

 

I wanted to bring this up because it's important to reflect upon your feelings about this situation. I've read several of your posts. I've read your stories about how past relationships have slipped through your fingers (figuratively of course), and maybe you are trying too hard to make this relationship work because as you say:

 

I'm afraid hes going to meet and fall in love with someone else. And I'm afraid to date due to guilt and the thought of him possibly popping up again.

 

Are you sure your didn't set the bar too low ? I mean no disrespect towards this guy and I especially mean no disrespect towards you. But I ask you because of these posts:

 

We had been planning to elope this october, but he would always be somewhat wishy washy and get pissed when Id bring it up.

he would refuse to talk about it and would call me selfish or psychotic for wanting to get married.

I also want to add that I was going to help pay for my ring or use my gma’s and I wanted a simple court house wedding.

 

I think there is someone out there that won't hesitate to propose to you when the time is right. Settling with this guy , on the terms you stated seems like a recipe for a disaster waiting to happen in the future. He's willing to have kids, but is "wishy washy" on marriage. Something tells me that you will carry most of the responsibilities with little to no help based on the person you described that he is and the issues he's facing.

 

Regarding your Question on who to believe:

 

This guy told you one thing. He told his sister another. Maybe he has a motive to keep things from you, or perhaps he's ashamed to open up to his family about his problems and only trusts you. Only he knows. The rest of what people are telling you are opinions. And if what he's saying is true, then he is dealing with a LOT of issues, and by the looks of things you need to do some soul searching yourself. There are MANY factors and variables unknown to me in your life to accurately give you good advice but from what little I know, you have 2 options:

 

a) Reflect on weather or not you are willing to deal with your partners problem head on. BTW This is not an option after marriage:

 

However, he still wants space to figure out what is going on in his head. We agreed to slowly try to get back to normal by seeing each other once a week and talking every other day.

 

Right now because of my schedule this is ideal, but I’m still conflicted.

I know you want to support him. I know you told him to drag you into his problems because I know you want to be there for him. But things will get overly complicated with a kid. There is no "Let's take a break so you can manage your cravings" after marriage. You can't put life "on pause" with a kid in the picture.

 

Think about the long term consequences of continuing to fight for this guy. I truly believe that you can sit down with him and get back together. That's the easy part. What's difficult and beyond the scope of ANY advice I could give you is how to deal with a potential addict day in and day out willingly .

 

Life is giving you a glimpse of how things are going to be with this guy full time. You be the judge of weather or not he's worth fighting for. You still have the opportunity to get yourself on track. I really can't say anything about him. He have you an opening, I'd say take it.

[d0nnivain]

Why you broke up isn't as important as the fact that you broke up.

 

 

Let it go & move on.

[Whodatdog]

I think you are making this way more complicated than you have to. It seems the bottom line is you wanted to get married, and he didnt. Dont underestimate the pressure that the "engagement" and "marriage" talk does to someone who has no interest in marriage.

[BluesPower]

Listen, this is really easy if you let it be...

 

From your other posts and this one, basically your picker is broken. I think you understand that.

 

You need to completely let this guy go and take some time out to work on your yourself and your picker.

 

Having said that, this is what you need to understand about ex alcoholics, and ex addicts of all types.

 

There is a reason that they are "ex addicts" and it is usually because they have issues of one type or another. They were addicts for a reason. The other and most important thing to remember is that their emotional development STOPPED when they became an addict.

 

Since they were using to cope with their issues, and they did not do the hard work to understand what was wrong with them, they did not develop as adults usually do and they did not grow.

 

Therefore, if they were an addict from 25 to 40, the have the emotional IQ of a 25 year old.

 

Frankly, unless they have been sober and functional and stable for a really long time, it is just best to not ever date people like this...

[preraph]

I think you just need to strip this down to the bare bones and that's all you need. He's an addict. When marriage was brought up, he spun out. So you now know that he is miles and miles away from seeing himself as a responsible, reliable, settled down partner. he knows he does not have the maturity for it and does not have what it takes to be someone's husband.

 

This isn't a temporary setback. When it got real, he completely hit the wall. He is not going to be anyone's husband anytime soon or maybe ever.

 

There are many people you can love but not be with long term. He is still very much an addict. He can not even fathom having additional responsibilities. He knows he can't do it. You need to face reality and move on. Do not sentence yourself to sticking by him while his addiction

sets the rules and throws up a wall past which he cannot go. He is not your husband. I'm sorry.

[JiltedJane]

There’s no modifications of this scenario regarding the fact that he’s seeing a counselor and goes to meetings 3-4x a week? And that he hasn’t used in 13 years?

Aside, from sounding like an idiot he’s always brutally honest with me and swears he’s not freaked out by marriage. He told his sister that we couldn’t agree on a plan. I’m aware the timing is probably more than coincidental.

I realize he’s an ex-addict, it doesn’t make him a bad person. He has gone above and beyond for me and all his friends/family. Over the last 13 yrs he’s been a 100% responsible adult.

Edited August 22, 2018 by JiltedJane

[No_Go]

JJ how long did you actually date him and when did the relationship got really serious (talking kids or eloping)? As another poster said timelines are a bit weird, there were posts for other men in under 2 years etc.

 

For all I know a man saying he wants kids, getting engaged or anything future related doesn't mean much beyond just talk. Only look at his actions. His actions were speaking out loud that he's not ready.

 

What was his addiction 13 years ago? It really matters. Here you are putting your life at risk. Speaking to a counselor...is not bad but we don't know how bad the things really are. Maybe he needs medical treatment not a counselor.

 

 

There’s no modifications of this scenario regarding the fact that he’s seeing a counselor and goes to meetings 3-4x a week? And that he hasn’t used in 13 years?

Aside, from sounding like an idiot he’s always brutally honest with me and swears he’s not freaked out by marriage. He told his sister that we couldn’t agree on a plan. I’m aware the timing is probably more than coincidental.

I realize he’s an ex-addict, it doesn’t make him a bad person. He has gone above and beyond for me and all his friends/family. Over the last 13 yrs he’s been a 100% responsible adult.

[JiltedJane]

It’s been a little under two years. I’ll private message u other details.

[preraph]

When he said he's not against marriage, he was speaking in the abstract. When the reality was that marriage was looming, this completely derailed him. You don't want to marry someone who is in no way ready and Spins out from the thought of obligation and responsibility. Don't do that to your future kids.

 

I give him credit for staying with the program, but that doesn't mean he hasn't or won't fall off of it. and I think he either just did or came very close. My best friend has been in the program for alcoholism for 25 years, and I give her maximum credit. She's fully functioning though.

 

It's good he's in counseling, but this is not going to make him into a suitable husband anytime soon. You don't want to marry someone who is reluctant and doesn't believe in himself. Your heart may tell you to be loyal to him, but he is the one who knows his limitations and he clearly just reached the end of his capability in this area.

[preraph]

What you have to realize is that the year spent being an addict combined with the effects it had on the brain severely slow down development. Emotional and mental development and maturity just come to nearly a standstill during addiction, and so these people are behind the curve and development even after they get sober and for decade or more thereafter, or sometimes forever if it really affected the brain. A person who has been an addict teenager and get sober is still a teenager in their maturity level, a much deteriorated teenager. It takes years and decades.

[JiltedJane]

Throughout all this I also forgot to mention that he suffers from spinal stenosis and has gotten increasingly bad with it the last three months .

[Minneloa]

OP, would you be willing to clarify which of your previous threads are about this current ex and specify when you began dating him? As others have mentioned, the timeline is a bit confusing.

[JiltedJane]

It’s been under two yrs. Let’s just leave it at that. I’m here for this specific relationship and this specific problem. Not to be judged or explain my timelines.

 

Also want to point out- he’s not the std guy!!

[Minneloa]

No judgment intended, and no need to be defensive. Context is helpful, that's all.

[preraph]

Throughout all this I also forgot to mention that he suffers from spinal stenosis and has gotten increasingly bad with it the last three months .

 

 

So you must know that with increasing pain, he will end up on painkillers. How can you expect him to not be an addict if he has a severe chronic pain condition? The fact he needs them doesn't make them any less addicting and it doesn't stop the behaviors of an addict. At some point he will begin to take more than he supposed to and buy them on the street and all that. His development will not continue, and whatever he's like when he's high will take over.