Another date, and feelings of despair

[ConflictedPerson]

I went on a date tonight (third I've been on since my exgf broke up with me), and this was certainly the best of the three, but this wasn't reassuring.

 

Th woman was smart, nice, pretty, and we had some things in common. I'm still waiting to see if she wants to go out again (maybe it didn't go as well in her mind as it did in mine, we'll see). By any objective measure, the date seemed to go well. However, looming in my mind afterward is the comparison between how I'm feeling about her and how I felt about me ex. On our first date, we (my ex and I) bonded over a rather rare shared interest in great detail, and shared values and tastes (in music, art, etc.). Even where we disagreed (e.g. she likes atonal classical music and avante garde cinema and I don't) we shared a knowledge and interest in these areas that we could discuss them intensely. Even after my first date with her I think I felt a strong connection with her.

 

And despite going well by all observable measures, I don't think I feel that toward the woman I just went on a date with.

 

This fact has basically terrifies me, and has left me in tears as I write. If one were to look among the general population and see who I would be compatible with, I think this woman I just went out with would easily make the 99th percentile. And yet, that's not enough to make me feel the emotional bond I'm seeking. Before I had met my ex, I might have felt great about this date. But after, with my connection with my ex to compare to it, it evokes little in me.

 

It's for this not to lead me to the conclusion that, aside from my ex, there's no one (or few enough as makes no difference) women with whom I could such a bond or connections. And as this kind of bond is what I want, I'm terrified and miserable over the thought.

 

I know what people will say, "you're putting your ex on a pedestal," etc. But I don't think I am. As I've said in other threads, I'm an introverted person with an idiosyncratic personality and esoteric interests. I can get along with people in the sense that I can have a nice conversation and whatnot, but having a deep emotional bond with someone? Such people are few and far between for me. And it was clear within a few weeks of meeting my ex (at the time, even though we'd gone on a date, we were actually just platonic friends thereafter for a bit; it's hard to explain), it was clear we had a strong connection.

 

And now what? Am I just going to have to come to terms with being alone, or accept a relationship that will always seem like a pale imitation to something I've had in the past?

 

I think I was doing comparatively better today than the previous few days (I cried last night and the night before), but now I'm breaking down again. I'm really miserable.

[Happy Lemming]

Th woman was smart, nice, pretty, and we had some things in common.

Sounds like a pretty good date... Why do you feel the need to compare your ex to her?? New girl is her own unique person, get to know her, do fun activities together.

 

You are dating... enjoy it for what it is... Live in the moment and have fun. Give her a chance, you may end up liking her better than your ex.

 

Just my two cents...

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think your expectations are way too high for a first date. Yes, you had an immediate connection with your ex, which is nice, but that isn't always the case. It is more common to build up that sort of connection over time with someone who has some potential.

 

That being said, if trying to date right now makes you feel emotional and confused, perhaps it's too soon to start dating again?

[FMW]

Every person you meet is unique and you will have different kinds of compatibility but can share the same depth of "bonding".

 

I think you're just still hung up on your girlfriend and not ready to get involved with anyone else. If you can't enjoy dating without having that "perfect" connection and finding "Ms. Right" right now, you probably need to take a break.

[d0nnivain]

I. However, looming in my mind afterward is the comparison between how I'm feeling about her and how I felt about me ex.

 

 

And now what? Am I just going to have to come to terms with being alone, or accept a relationship that will always seem like a pale imitation to something I've had in the past?

 

You are not as over your EX as you think or want to be. It's still too early to date. You will not have to accept a pale imitation of what you had. You will find something comparable in time, just not right now.

 

Right now you have to find other ways of keeping busy, not dating. You can't force a new relationship solely to avoid being alone.

 

Redefine who you are without your EX. Get more comfy in your new reality & then date after you have healed more. When you are truly ready to date again, you won't make the comparisons.

[ConflictedPerson]

You are not as over your EX as you think or want to be. It's still too early to date. You will not have to accept a pale imitation of what you had. You will find something comparable in time, just not right now.

 

Right now you have to find other ways of keeping busy, not dating. You can't force a new relationship solely to avoid being alone.

 

Redefine who you are without your EX. Get more comfy in your new reality & then date after you have healed more. When you are truly ready to date again, you won't make the comparisons.

 

You may be right. I feel exceedingly lonely though and not sure what to do.

[notbroken]

You have to stop comparing anyone and everyone to your ex. That's not fair to them or you. People are different. Your ex wasn't even who you thought she was. You HAVE put her on a pedestal. If you find someone that is 99% like you said then that is way more than you could hope for. It is not settling - it is being realistic. "Perfect" doesn't exist.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you aren't ready to date. You aren't over your ex at all - and that also is not fair to your dates or you. Take your time. Be single for a while. Your value is NOT tied to your relationship status. Be the best you that you can be and then start dating again.

 

It sounds like you may have missed out on something great with the new girl because you are too busy comparing them to your ex. Move on. Get over her. Realize she wasn't perfect either and even your memories of her aren't 100% accurate. You broke up for a reason.

 

Best wishes. You'll find someone that checks off most of your boxes. Decide which ones are really important and which ones aren't. The unchecked boxes may turn out to be a good thing and broaden your horizons.

[MissBee]

It just seems to me like you're not ready to date.

 

In my experience, it's a normal phase after a breakup to just not be able to be interested in other people and to compare and to feel like your ex is the best thing. It's normal.

 

That's actually how I would know I was really healing, when I could date and not compare the person and feel awful and like I wanted my ex more.

 

Give yourself more time. Rushing to date when you're not ready will only make you feel worse (as you're experiencing) and it's unfair to your date as well.

[Logo]

The feelings you describe are natural for someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship. You’re still comparing because you’re not over your ex yet.

 

As soon as my last relationship ended, I went out on dates and I have to tell you that was a mistake. I felt worse after each date.

 

In hindsight, I should have taken a break from dating and taken my time to recover. It’s no different than injuring one’s arm and then going out the very next day to continue to play tennis. It only prolongs the injury and causes the arm more damage.

 

Besides, it’s not fair to singles out there who are ready for a relationship, because we’re not yet ready or emotionally available for them.

[d0nnivain]

I feel exceedingly lonely though and not sure what to do.

 

Do you have any good friends? Hang out with them. If you don't have any good friends deepen your connection to some acquaintances.

 

Do you have a work out routine? If not develop one. Go for a walk / run. Watch exercise videos on you tube. Join a gym. Point is get moving. Exercise creates endorphins. You will feel better.

 

Do you have any hobbies / interests? Throw yourself into them. Now that you aren't spending money on dates, buy some new equipment or toys.

[BaileyB]

Two things to consider...

 

First, you are totally romantizing your ex. Nobody, including the real person, could compare to the romanticized version you have of her in your mind right now...

 

Second, you can not possibly compare your connection with one person to what you felt for another, after you have shared a relationship together. Even if you are thinking of what you remember you felt after your first date, your memory is faulty and biased by so many things... It's just not fair to do to the new person.

 

Dude, consider this woman on her own merit. If she is a good person and you enjoyed her company, go out with her again. Give her a chance. She is her own person - stop comparing her to your ex! You just might find that you like her enough to want to date her... Good luck!

[BaileyB]

I feel exceedingly lonely though and not sure what to do.

 

Donnivain gave you some good suggestions.

 

I also like the idea that you stop dating, because you are clearly not over your ex.

 

My other suggestion would be counselling. You may be depressed. If you are not, getting stuck in these kind of emotional reasoning patterns is very unhealthy for you. You are becoming the cause of your own suffering... And a counsellor could help you immensely!