Does the bond between a couple get stronger when they become parents together?

[SilverGoldRobot]

The question basically is: does a couple's bond become even more stronger than it was before after they have a baby together and they start raising the baby together?

 

I mean once a couple has a baby together, they are now officially connecting together in way than they have never been connecting before.

[basil67]

The question basically is: does a couple's bond become even more stronger than it was before after they have a baby together and they start raising the baby together?

 

I mean once a couple has a baby together, they are now officially connecting together in way than they have never been connecting before.

 

Yes, it can happen this way. Or it can also happen that different views on child rearing and lack of teamwork can drive a wedge between them.

[noelle303]

I think that if a couple has a good, solid foundation and a healthy relationship parenthood can develop an even stronger bond.

 

But if it's shaky, if people are not on the same page, have poor communication or unhealthy coping mechanisms - parenthood will amplify that tenfold.

[stillafool]

I would say absolutely so. We don't have children but I imagine it is one of the most beautiful experiences an in love couple can share. The birth of their child will keep them tied to each other for life.

[grays]

I think loving a child together does bring a couple closer but having a child changes so much about your life that you may not recognize each other after. My husband loved having a career-driven wife but he wasn't so excited when it turned out that being a mom was way more important to me. He says he thinks I'm a great mom and he's grateful that I'm the mom of his children, but that's not what he wanted in a partner.

[preraph]

There are an awful lot of divorces after the first child. Men often complain because they're not Number 1 anymore and the wife is too tired for sex or anything else. I certainly would never advise trying to fix a relationship by having a baby.

 

The best bet is if both parents share the babycare so that each fully appreciates how much energy goes into it and takes a load off the other. That way both parents really bond with the child and are both tired but at least it's not one trying to keep things status quo while the mother has taken on a 24/7 commitment. Of course, the practicalities are always going to cause problems. A common scenario is the mother was tied down all day chasing after a two year old and the dad has been at work all day and is ready to just play games or watch tv, but the mother desperately needs him to give her a break because she's been at it even longer than he has. Then you have a conflict.

 

Plus you have to agree on discipline and just how to watch a baby. A friend of mine couldn't leaver her toddler with her husband because he'd get on the computer and totally forget he was supposed to be watching the toddler. Just irresponsible and didn't think he ought to have to do it while she went for groceries or a nap.

 

Kids add a lot of tension to a relationship and a lot of complications. Survey after survey has shown that couples without children are happier in their day to day life, but survey after survey has also shown that people with kids were mostly glad they had them and loved them a lot.

[basil67]

If the couple has a baby who has special needs, the divorce rate is much higher than average.

[major_merrick]

I think it depends on the parents and the kids. My relationship with my husband has definitely changed since I got pregnant. We married after many years apart because we had been inseparable comrades and friends for so long we just couldn't stay away from each other.

 

The big factor so far has been my reduced energy level and sickness during pregnancy. We used to bond through working together, doing projects, etc... I was fierce and independent and we fought quite a bit when we were younger. Now I'm not so independent because it takes both of us to do this thing.

 

We'll see how things go the next few years, but I think it will pull us together.

[Gaeta]

Yes you bond for life as human beings but it doesn't mean you will bond as a couple. Having a child brought my ex-husband and I immeasurable joy and at the same time it slowly destroyed our marriage. I became a mother and over-looked being a wife and he wanted to be a friend or a brother to our child more than he wanted to be a father. We disagreed constantly on discipline, I had to take the role of the bad guy and he gave her everything so was the cool one. Yes sure we had a bond and it continued after our divorce, I could call him anytime and he'd be there & I could count on him, it did not at all bond us 'in a stronger love for each other'.

[bathtub-row]

Amazingly enough, it more often tears couples apart. Men - not all, but a good majority of them - are often jealous of a child and of the time it demands of the mother, or even that the child will favor the mother. This is true even when the man wanted children. Also, women tend to lose perspective on things and will start making their husband feel neglected. These are very common issues.

 

Having a child was one of the turning points in my previous marriage. Sex was great, all that. But my husband showed a side to himself I really didn’t like. He became rude to the child, forceful and bossy. I left him when our son was 3. My ex continues to show this side to himself and has done a great job of alienating his own son. I never regretted leaving my ex but I regretted having to make the choice to divorce with a child involved. Which brings me to my next point - if you’re in a bad marriage, it’s further complicated by having kids.

 

Women who deliberately get pregnant in order to save their relationship are simply begging for problems. I’ve yet to see that decision pan out well.

[Gaeta]

I have been dating my bf for soon 3 years. He told me once he wished we had met at the beginning of our lives so we could have had our children together. It was a beautiful compliment and a testimony of how deep is his love BUT, I tell him I know him and I would not survive having children. I've heard stories of how he raised his children and he was too severe and uncompromising to my liking. Because we met both at 50, we will never have children together and it's probably why we will last the long run.

[devilish innocent]

Yes and no. Couples who have kids are less likely to divorce each other. They're also usually less satisfied with their marriage in between when the first baby is born and when the last child finally leaves the house.

 

As a childfree person, I'm fascinated as to why this is and how life changes with a child. I suspect you take on a more serious sense of responsibility to stick by your family. So in that way your connection to the other person may deepen. On the other hand, my husband and I care for each other in ways that we simply wouldn't be able to do if our time and energy was going to a child instead. In that way, you miss out on some of the pampering that a childfree life provides.

Edited August 27, 2018 by devilish innocent

[Assil]

No. It's a myth that a baby will bring a couple closer together. It has been shown in many studies that the addition of a baby will increase unhappiness substantially at least for the first year, and creates huge stress on a marriage.

 

I say this as someone with a two year old toddler and a marriage that was rock solid before a child and has been put to ever test since her birth. It sounds lovely to think that it bonds you, but what it really does is trap you with the other person, for better or for worse. It's a HUGE life change and some couples do great with it, but most find it challenging at the least.

[Els]

Most couples who have talked in detail to me about their experience raising children, have said that the period where their children were small was absolutely the most difficult time in their relationship/marriage. If you are considering having a child to "fix" a problem with bonding, you are going to be in for a ****ty ride.

[LauraXX]

Yes you bond for life as human beings but it doesn't mean you will bond as a couple.

 

 

This.

 

 

 

Happened to me and my ex, too. We had a great relationship for 3 years, then had a baby together and the love relationship soon turned into a (very platonic) friendship. We finally seperated when our child was 4 years old. We're still friendly and we'll always be part of each other's lifes, but having that baby didn't strengthen our love relationship at all.

[Veronica73]

I don’t know. I was married and did not have kids. I think the bond get’s stronger in that you have kids together so you are kind of have each other in your lives to some extent, no matter what the state of your relationship is.

 

But to me, so often, especially nowadays...it’s all about “the kids come first.” Everything is about the kids. I don’t completely agree with that. Of course the kids need to be well-taken care of. But in my mind, in a healthy family/relationship, the husband and wife are an unbreakable team and they raise the kids together. But it seems to me, just observing, so often that the kids become the entire focus of the family.

[AMarriedMan]

The question basically is: does a couple's bond become even more stronger than it was before after they have a baby together and they start raising the baby together?

 

I mean once a couple has a baby together, they are now officially connecting together in way than they have never been connecting before.

 

Having a child together is a transformative experience. You change, the other parent changes and the two of you develop a tie that's is in a way much, much stronger than anything but not necessarily directly between yourselves. When you have a child together, you will be the parents of that child. Both of you will be of utmost importance to the child at the level of identity at the very least.

 

None of the above means that the relationship the two parents have will necessarily be any deeper let alone better in any way. If you work together well as a team to raise the child and your relationship is strong and good, then it may gain additional depth from your shared parenthood. But realistically, raising small children is one of the most effective romance killers in existence. You'll be sleep-deprived, your time together will be scarcer than ever and a number of issues you couldn't have imagined may come up to strain your relationship. Never have a child to fix your relationship. Only have a child because you really, really want to raise a child, know you will be able to do it adequately and because you already have a strong relationship with your spouse.

[Pastypop]

Absolutely not. My husband wanted kids, I did not. After they got here, he was no longer fun or joked like he used too. I can’t even joke with him anymore without him taking me serious. He doesn’t flirt, buy me flowers, clean or so much of anything except take care of the kids kind of.

 

We’ve worked separate shifts for years and years. We never see each other. His family hates my guts because I don’t want to spend my vacations with all them in a beach house doing laundry, cooking and taking care of kids.

 

We no longer speak to them and the kids haven’t seen them in 5 years. We take separate vacations and don’t take them with the kids very often because it sucks.

 

When I lost my job and had to take a short-term position 3 hours away, he never called or texted me one time to see how I was doing and; when I was in labor with our third child, I got to drive myself to the hospital an hour away and put gas in my car at 3:30 in the morning.

 

I would get a divorce but I don’t want to pay child support nor do I want to be the primary parent while he would get his freedom to have fun. It has truly been the worst years of my life having no time, no money, people trying to be in my business and the loss of my dreams and career. Luckily, it’s about over as my kids are finally in high school. If I could go back in time, I would have went running to the doctor to get my tubes tied when he started talking about having kids because I have truly hated almost every minute of it. Being around all those overtop parents in little league has certainly been a nightmare too!!

[Otter2569]

Yes and no. Couples who have kids are less likely to divorce each other. They're also usually less satisfied with their marriage in between when the first baby is born and when the last child finally leaves the house.

 

It obviously depends on the people and their circumstances but for me it was a slow, painful death that added to the end of our marriage.

 

The kids, who I love dearly, became the primary focus. I went from head of family / bread winner to just some guy who brings home a paycheck. The dog had more clout than I did. Life was ALL about the kids: baby proofing the house, prepping baby rooms, baby, baby, baby... I had to sit in the house and listen to the baby monitor while she took a nap. We fought about cutting the lawn (I was having fun!?), fought about going to work: she stayed at home and I was "getting a break" (like I was going to the country club), she would never leave the kids for an overnight get away. Our life was kids and HER family 24/7. It was a slow desintigration into boredom and obscurity.

[ABernie]

Yes you bond for life as human beings but it doesn't mean you will bond as a couple. Having a child brought my ex-husband and I immeasurable joy and at the same time it slowly destroyed our marriage. I became a mother and over-looked being a wife and he wanted to be a friend or a brother to our child more than he wanted to be a father. We disagreed constantly on discipline, I had to take the role of the bad guy and he gave her everything so was the cool one. Yes sure we had a bond and it continued after our divorce, I could call him anytime and he'd be there & I could count on him, it did not at all bond us 'in a stronger love for each other'.

 

^ This for me too!

 

 

My oldest had cancer as well. While we rallied together and were great coparents during it, it did not help our already deteriorating marriage.

[Arieswoman]

As someone who is childless by choice I can only relate what others have told me.

 

 

The overwhelming opinion is that although all the children were very much wanted, none of the couples were prepared for the huge responsibility the children brought with them.

 

 

In addition -loss of one wage, sleepless nights, cost of nappies/ buggy/clothing, loss of privacy, wife getting depressed and bored being at home all day, wife having medical problems before/after birth, tired all the time, not feelig sexy any more, husband feeling neglected. etc. etc

 

 

 

Even with 'solid' couples, where the husband 'pulled his weight', the addition of a dependent family member changed the dynamics of the relationship irrevocably.

 

 

Most of my married friends have only one child, and those that had two didn't really want the second one but had them because 'they didn't want the first to be an only child'

[major_merrick]

It obviously depends on the people and their circumstances but for me it was a slow, painful death that added to the end of our marriage.

 

The kids, who I love dearly, became the primary focus. I went from head of family / bread winner to just some guy who brings home a paycheck. The dog had more clout than I did. Life was ALL about the kids: baby proofing the house, prepping baby rooms, baby, baby, baby... I had to sit in the house and listen to the baby monitor while she took a nap. We fought about cutting the lawn (I was having fun!?), fought about going to work: she stayed at home and I was "getting a break" (like I was going to the country club), she would never leave the kids for an overnight get away. Our life was kids and HER family 24/7. It was a slow desintigration into boredom and obscurity.

 

I've heard other men describe it this way, so you aren't alone. Even though I'm very much in favor of girl power, becoming a wife and mom has changed my outlook on family and gender relations in an incredible way. I see what you've described in terms of a kind of feminism that has lost its way.

 

For me, my adult relationships come first. Not my child. To most people, that sounds like a horrible thing to say...but it is logical. Without a solid base, a child won't grow up right (that was how I was raised.) That means that the parents have to love each other and stay together - which won't happen if that relationship is neglected. So...privacy in the marital bedroom, scheduling of the kids' activities and feeding, and plenty of attention between the dad and mom(s) are not luxuries, but necessities for survival. I don't consider single parenting a good option. Yes, people do it all the time - but the result is increased poverty, and poverty becomes generational because families are unable to accumulate it and pass it on to their heirs.

 

I will definitely admit that I have some advantages. I have other mothers in the house to help me. I have the advantage of money - going back to work is an option, not a necessity. Those things REALLY take a load off my mind. I think we owe it to future generations to create a society where fathers can work and make a good living, and mothers can have the choice to stay home or have a career - rather than the 1950's obligation to stay home or the 2000's obligation to work.

 

I don't know if it is leftover hormones from pregnancy and childbirth, but three weeks after bringing my daughter into this world I feel very, very bonded to my husband. We were long term friends before we started our relationship again, so it hasn't exactly been a fairytale romance. For whatever reason, the passion is running really high right now. I certainly don't feel sexy (and sex has been off the table since the birth while I heal) but the energy is definitely there.

 

My relationship with my GF#1 has been a bit rocky. The pregnancy was unexpected, and she never thought she'd have to deal with me as a mom. We were not as close through the pregnancy and she gravitated more toward her other partners, although she was supportive. She's really bonded with my daughter, though, and so far things are looking a bit better. In a family with multiple adult partners, it seems to get more complicated than in a standard nuclear family....

[larri]

The question basically is: does a couple's bond become even more stronger than it was before after they have a baby together and they start raising the baby together?

 

I mean once a couple has a baby together, they are now officially connecting together in way than they have never been connecting before.

 

Of course the child will tie more.