Relationship with a legally separated man

[BlondeSusane]

I'm a 22 year old white female and I've been in a relationship with a 33 year old, legally separated, black male for about seven months now. After an argument I broke off an engagement with my fiance about a year ago. I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and measuring 30 weeks.

 

I would have never became sexually involved with him but talking to him and his separated wife (Who is also very black) I was given to understand that they were eventually going to get a divorce. All of a sudden though, my boyfriend's separated wife has become hostile towards me, especially when I started showing. She says that I've ruined any chance of them getting back together and that she should kick my big butt.

 

My boyfriend says not to worry about it but if I were to get into a fight with her right now I would probably lose our son, especially as huge as I am right now. Should I try to talk to her or just stay away form her?

Edited August 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

What does "very Black" mean?

 

Of course stay away from her. Your first concern is your baby and you do not want to put it in danger. I doubt she is going to physically attack you because you're pregnant and she knows she will end up in jail. Why should you try to talk to her? He is still going through with the divorce isn't he?

[d0nnivain]

There is no legal designation called "separated". You are either married or you are not. If he's not divorced, he's married. Does he have a lawyer? Have they filed? Has he moved out or is he still living with her? If they still share an address, you need a lawyer to make sure you get child support. This guy is no good

 

You are pregnant with his baby. His (hopefully) soon to be EX-W realizes that the baby in your womb obligates him to pay child support. Therefore her kids get less money & she may get less in the divorce because more people including your child will be entitled to share in his finances.

 

His EX will Always resent you. She had hope he'd come back. Your baby makes that impossible. Right or wrong she blames you. Just avoid her. She will never see your side of it. You only know what he told you; understand he probably was still sleeping with her & telling her that they could get back together. Your baby is proof that he lied & she's angry.

 

Meanwhile take care of yourself & your baby.

[BlondeSusane]

What does "very Black" mean?

 

Of course stay away from her. Your first concern is your baby and you do not want to put it in danger. I doubt she is going to physically attack you because you're pregnant and she knows she will end up in jail. Why should you try to talk to her? He is still going through with the divorce isn't he?

Yes, he filled for a divorce about 6 weeks ago but it may take up to a year before it's finalized. I said very black but what I should have said was very dark. He's also very good looking and very well endowed!

[BlondeSusane]

There is no legal designation called "separated". You are either married or you are not. If he's not divorced, he's married. Does he have a lawyer? Have they filed? Has he moved out or is he still living with her? If they still share an address, you need a lawyer to make sure you get child support. This guy is no good

 

You are pregnant with his baby. His (hopefully) soon to be EX-W realizes that the baby in your womb obligates him to pay child support. Therefore her kids get less money & she may get less in the divorce because more people including your child will be entitled to share in his finances.

 

His EX will Always resent you. She had hope he'd come back. Your baby makes that impossible. Right or wrong she blames you. Just avoid her. She will never see your side of it. You only know what he told you; understand he probably was still sleeping with her & telling her that they could get back together. Your baby is proof that he lied & she's angry.

 

Meanwhile take care of yourself & your baby.

They don't have any kids together and I'm not sure that she is able to have kids.

[d0nnivain]

Fine.

 

Do you at least understand that from her perspective your baby is a living reminder that he's not getting back together with her? Let her be upset in peace. Don't talk to her. She's been wrong. Even if your motives are kind, all you are is salt in the wound of her broken heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm a 22 year old white female and I've been in a relationship with a 33 year old, legally separated, black male for about seven months now. After an argument I broke off an engagement with my fiance about a year ago. I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and measuring 30 weeks.

 

If you broke off your relationship with him a year ago (not sure how you can be engaged to a married man?), who's the father of your child?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ralph79]

Relevant Info:

-I'm a 22 year old female

-I've been in a relationship with a 33 year old, legally separated

-After an argument I broke off an engagement with my fiance about a year ago

-I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and measuring 30 weeks.

-I would have never became sexually involved with him but talking to him and his separated wife I was given to understand that they were eventually going to get a divorce.

-he filled for a divorce about 6 weeks ago

-They don't have any kids together and I'm not sure that she is able to have kids.

 

Irrelevant Info because it has no bearing on your issue:

-I'm a 22 year old white female

-legally separated, black male

-his separated wife (Who is also very black)

-I said very black but what I should have said was very dark. He's also very good looking and very well endowed!

 

Having said that I was hoping you could answer one question BlondeSusane:

 

You broke up your engagement to your fiancee about a year ago, which means more or less 50+ weeks give or take depending on the accuracy of your statements, which should tell us that the ex-fiancee is not the father (unless you kept sleeping with him afterwards).

 

You've been seeing your current BF for 7 months, which is roughly 28 weeks , once again give or take a couple of weeks depending on the accuracy of your statement and actual days in months, etc.

 

Given the timeline of your pregnancy, you pretty much started having sex with your BF from the get go. I won't judge you for dating a married/separated man. It was your choice and his. I do however wonder , how you would be so willing to go "All in" with a guy so soon by getting pregnant within the first month of meeting him ? (again, I state this based on the timeline of your pregnancy that you stated).

 

Also, contrary to what some posters have stated, there IS such a thing as a Legal Separation that occurs by either judicial decree or a notarized agreement. So I will give you the benefit of the doubt that your BF and his Ex had already made up their minds IF they started the due process.

 

And to answer your question:

 

I wouldn't even get CLOSE to the Ex. Especially if she has made threats already. If you started dating the guy AFTER both stated to you that they were separated, then none of this is your fault. She should've given you at the very least some hint of her true intentions from the start. Stay away. Unfortunately for her [And I don't know if she was at fault for their breakup or not], she will have to fade away from his life for everybody's sake. Don't make her a part of yours by trying to "fix" things. This is out of your hands now. Whatever issues they have yet to resolve is solely up to them.

 

There is a high probability that she didn't expect you to become pregnant with his child so soon. But that's no reason to threaten you. It's understandable that she would hate you, but she now needs to respect your relationship after they agreed to separate.

[stillafool]

Thank you but "well endowed" was too much info and frankly, who cares but you.

[Orokotikki]

Fine.

 

Do you at least understand that from her perspective your baby is a living reminder that he's not getting back together with her? Let her be upset in peace. Don't talk to her. She's been wrong. Even if your motives are kind, all you are is salt in the wound of her broken heart.

 

I feel sadly for this wife, (not an ex-wife at all). Separation is not divorce - who knows what he had been telling her or stringing her along with.

 

I hope he was thoughtful enough to SHOW you the papers he supposedly submitted.

 

You should not have been seeing or talking to his wife at all - that is entirely inappropriate, unless it was to inform her of her husband's affair with you.

[BlondeSusane]

Relevant Info:

 

 

Irrelevant Info because it has no bearing on your issue:

 

 

Having said that I was hoping you could answer one question BlondeSusane:

 

You broke up your engagement to your fiancee about a year ago, which means more or less 50+ weeks give or take depending on the accuracy of your statements, which should tell us that the ex-fiancee is not the father (unless you kept sleeping with him afterwards).

 

You've been seeing your current BF for 7 months, which is roughly 28 weeks , once again give or take a couple of weeks depending on the accuracy of your statement and actual days in months, etc.

 

Given the timeline of your pregnancy, you pretty much started having sex with your BF from the get go. I won't judge you for dating a married/separated man. It was your choice and his. I do however wonder , how you would be so willing to go "All in" with a guy so soon by getting pregnant within the first month of meeting him ? (again, I state this based on the timeline of your pregnancy that you stated).

 

Also, contrary to what some posters have stated, there IS such a thing as a Legal Separation that occurs by either judicial decree or a notarized agreement. So I will give you the benefit of the doubt that your BF and his Ex had already made up their minds IF they started the due process.

 

And to answer your question:

 

I wouldn't even get CLOSE to the Ex. Especially if she has made threats already. If you started dating the guy AFTER both stated to you that they were separated, then none of this is your fault. She should've given you at the very least some hint of her true intentions from the start. Stay away. Unfortunately for her [And I don't know if she was at fault for their breakup or not], she will have to fade away from his life for everybody's sake. Don't make her a part of yours by trying to "fix" things. This is out of your hands now. Whatever issues they have yet to resolve is solely up to them.

 

There is a high probability that she didn't expect you to become pregnant with his child so soon. But that's no reason to threaten you. It's understandable that she would hate you, but she now needs to respect your relationship after they agreed to separate.

 

The pregnancy was an accident. I stopped taking the pill after I broke up with my fiancé and didn't start back again until seven days before our relationship became sexual. I thought that seven days would be long enough but evidently it wasn't. I considered having an abortion but couldn't go through with it, now that he's kicking I'm glad that I didn't. Our relationship has been "about" seven months it was actually three weeks closer to eight months.

[d0nnivain]

I stopped taking the pill after I broke up with my fiancé and didn't start back again until seven days before our relationship became sexual. I thought that seven days would be long enough but evidently it wasn't.

 

For future reference, before the pill becomes effective you have to take it for 1 full cycle: 28 days. With any prescription medication, even stuff you will eventually give your child, always read the directions & the warning inserts they give you. Better safe then sorry.

[Mr. Lucky]

I considered having an abortion but couldn't go through with it, now that he's kicking I'm glad that I didn't.

 

What plans have you and Mr. Well Endowed made for the future support of your child? Will he claim paternity?

 

I'd guess that, sooner or later, you're going to need a lawyer...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited August 23, 2018 by Mr. Lucky

[somanymistakes]

There is no legal designation called "separated". You are either married or you are not.

 

This is not true.

 

It depends on jurisdiction.

[carhill]

Yeah, we have legal separations where I live. Pretty much like a divorce except the partners can't legally remarry. Sometimes financial stuff is bifurcated but the big items like custody and support are addressed. In this case though it appears a divorce has been filed and that defacto 'separates' the couple pending dissolution. The filing date starts clocks and locks in financials and matters addressed in the motions of the filing.

 

The OP posted their timeline prior:

Yes, he filled for a divorce about 6 weeks ago but it may take up to a year before it's finalized

OP, question... he filed, he said; is the case visible at the court and has his estranged wife filed an answer to the lawsuit? In our court, the respondent has 30 days from proof of service to file an answer with the court. If they don't, the petitioner can file a motion to rule on the original filing by default. That could have bearing on your situation as applicable.

 

IMO, it's important to cover the legalities since there is an unborn child in the mix.

[BlondeSusane]

Yeah, we have legal separations where I live. Pretty much like a divorce except the partners can't legally remarry. Sometimes financial stuff is bifurcated but the big items like custody and support are addressed. In this case though it appears a divorce has been filed and that defacto 'separates' the couple pending dissolution. The filing date starts clocks and locks in financials and matters addressed in the motions of the filing.

 

The OP posted their timeline prior:

OP, question... he filed, he said; is the case visible at the court and has his estranged wife filed an answer to the lawsuit? In our court, the respondent has 30 days from proof of service to file an answer with the court. If they don't, the petitioner can file a motion to rule on the original filing by default. That could have bearing on your situation as applicable.

 

IMO, it's important to cover the legalities since there is an unborn child in the mix.

My boyfriend was planning on getting divorce from his wife even before I meet him, he was legally separated after all. He hasn't been living with her for some time now, long before we became involved. Why is everyone on this thread assuming that we plan on getting married....we're not? I've already said that the pregnancy was an accident. Why make things worse by getting married? The only reason that I even started this thread was the fact that his wife threatened me and therefore our son.

[stillafool]

My boyfriend was planning on getting divorce from his wife even before I meet him, he was legally separated after all. He hasn't been living with her for some time now, long before we became involved. Why is everyone on this thread assuming that we plan on getting married....we're not? I've already said that the pregnancy was an accident. Why make things worse by getting married? The only reason that I even started this thread was the fact that his wife threatened me and therefore our son.

 

Then you need to have this guy tell her to stop threatening you and leave you alone. If he doesn't do this then file a restraining order against her. That's all you can do.

[d0nnivain]

Why is everyone on this thread assuming that we plan on getting married....we're not? I've already said that the pregnancy was an accident. Why make things worse by getting married? The only reason that I even started this thread was the fact that his wife threatened me and therefore our son.

 

My concerns about his marital status were more along the lines of whether he was lying to you about his situation. He wouldn't be the 1st MM to do so.

 

My suggestion that you consult a lawyer is to make sure you know your baby's rights to child support in case Mr. Wonderful takes a hike.

 

What you cannot do is interact with his EX. That woman is heartbroken & upset. It's not your fault but you & your baby symbolize everything that is falling apart in her life & she blames you. Therefore she will not listen to logic or reason. Avoid her. Like somebody else said if she doesn't go away on her own, get a restraining order.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why is everyone on this thread assuming that we plan on getting married....we're not? I've already said that the pregnancy was an accident. Why make things worse by getting married?

 

BlondeSusane, take a look around. Your current cavalier approach to life has gotten you pregnant by a married man with uncertain intentions who's wife wants to beat you up.

 

With a child soon to be depending on you, time to focus on the bigger picture going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SouthernIslander]

Yes, he filled for a divorce about 6 weeks ago but it may take up to a year before it's finalized. I said very black but what I should have said was very dark. He's also very good looking and very well endowed!

 

What does his wife’s “very black” complexion and him being Black have to do with this? It’s very telling that you’re focusing on skin complexion when it is completely irrelevant. Please fix that before your biracial/half Black child is born.

 

He has likely given her reason to feel the way that she does. You l won’t find out what it is until he treats you the same way. As long as she doesn’t physically hurt you, focus on your child and stay away from his wife.

[vla1120]

I'm a 22 year old white female and I've been in a relationship with a 33 year old, legally separated, black male for about seven months now. After an argument I broke off an engagement with my fiance about a year ago. I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant and measuring 30 weeks.

 

I would have never became sexually involved with him but talking to him and his separated wife (Who is also very black) I was given to understand that they were eventually going to get a divorce. All of a sudden though, my boyfriend's separated wife has become hostile towards me, especially when I started showing. She says that I've ruined any chance of them getting back together and that she should kick my big butt.

 

My boyfriend says not to worry about it but if I were to get into a fight with her right now I would probably lose our son, especially as huge as I am right now. Should I try to talk to her or just stay away form her?

 

Honey, all I see in your post is a level of immaturity that does not bode well for your impending situation. You mention "if I were to get into a fight with her right now" as if that is a distinct possibility. Please. Mature pregnant women do not consider the possibility of getting into fights (nor do mature non-pregnant women). I was also a bit offended by your apparent need to mention you are white, he is black, she is very black (though you meant very dark), and he is well-endowed. No one cares. I'll just leave that right there.

 

You are my youngest daughter's age and wonder if you have a strong support system in place. I would implore you to start thinking about your future and the future of your child. Do you have a means to support yourself? Is your family going to help you? Have you decided what to do if this man decides to skip out? Are you ready to get a lawyer and have a paternity test?

 

Finally, stay away from the STBXW. There is absolutely no reason to have contact with her. It's time to start thinking about your baby's future.

[SouthernIslander]

Honey, all I see in your post is a level of immaturity that does not bode well for your impending situation. You mention "if I were to get into a fight with her right now" as if that is a distinct possibility. Please. Mature pregnant women do not consider the possibility of getting into fights (nor do mature non-pregnant women). I was also a bit offended by your apparent need to mention you are white, he is black, she is very black (though you meant very dark), and he is well-endowed. No one cares. I'll just leave that right there.

 

You are my youngest daughter's age and wonder if you have a strong support system in place. I would implore you to start thinking about your future and the future of your child. Do you have a means to support yourself? Is your family going to help you? Have you decided what to do if this man decides to skip out? Are you ready to get a lawyer and have a paternity test?

 

Finally, stay away from the STBXW. There is absolutely no reason to have contact with her. It's time to start thinking about your baby's future.

 

Okay...glad I am not the only one who noticed that fight comment. Lol! I think that was the MM who said that about the fighting, which is worse because he is 33 years old.

 

But I agree, all sound immature.