Do you believe the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater"

[lavenderblue]

Is there truth in the statement - once a cheater always a cheater?

I'd particularly like to know from women who cheated whilst in a committed relationship...

I cheated with a MM whilst in my relationship with long term bf... now I've broken up with both and i am looking to start a new relationship...but i am terrified of 2 things:

 

1) Not being satisfied in my new relationships (given that i was addicted to my ex MM)

2) cheating again ( a horrible horrible thought)

[somanymistakes]

As far as actually being IN a relationship rather than being involved with someone who is in a relationship, I cheated once when I was younger. It made me feel like crap when I realised the hurt I had caused by being dishonest, and how trying to save myself trouble by sneaking around had ended up causing more trouble. Why would I want to do that again?

 

If I were in a relationship and feeling tempted by someone else I would tell my partner that. And if that led to a fight and a breakup at least it would be honest.

 

Some people are serial cheaters. Some people are just stupid and naive and might learn.

[elaine567]

I think there is a line to be crossed when someone engages in a affair. The move from monogamy to somehow justified "illicit" polygamy.

 

The hard bit with any line is crossing it for the first time. Once crossed it is easy to do it again.

 

I think lines crossed as a child or as young adult may not necessarily predict the future. A kid stealing five pounds from his mother's purse may not grow up to be a thief and the teenager who gets into fights all the tme may not end up as a violent criminal, but I have a feeling that lines crossed as an adult, with all the reasoning and good sense that being an adult brings may indeed predict future behaviour.

Once that line is crossed it is very easy to cross it again and again, especially if the consequences suffered are not that severe.

[alsudduth]

My Husband cheated

I cheated

 

Never say never I guess, but I know that the pain of the last 4 years my husband and I have endured in our marriage partially caused by the cheating makes cheating something I NEVER want to experience again. Ever.

 

I can't speak for my H. I think he feels the same, but he's fooled me before

 

I like to think that I've learned my lesson. It causes way too much heartache for everyone involved. There are mind movies and insecurities to last a lifetime in the aftermath. I'm not interested in adding to the already big enough pile of them.

[wmacbride]

Is there truth in the statement - once a cheater always a cheater?

I'd particularly like to know from women who cheated whilst in a committed relationship...

I cheated with a MM whilst in my relationship with long term bf... now I've broken up with both and i am looking to start a new relationship...but i am terrified of 2 things:

 

1) Not being satisfied in my new relationships (given that i was addicted to my ex MM)

2) cheating again ( a horrible horrible thought)

 

Of course someone who cheats is not domed to forever and always repeat the behavior.

 

It's true you cheated, but look at what you are doing now. You are putting int he work to find out why you cheated and learn better ways of coping. You are taking responsibility and putting in a lot of work on yourself.

 

All of that may not save you current relationship, but they will help you in your future ones.

 

This all bodes well for your future.

[BTDT2012]

I cheated in many years ago. I felt so bad about it that I never did it again. My current husband cheated, and I haven't cheated on him.

[KatieLaw]

No. But my story is the strangest one I've ever heard of. When my husband and decided to marry, we lived in my apartment and met each others friends.

 

One of his friends and I really hit it off. There was nothing inappropriate about our relationship and I would have sworn we were just friends.

 

One night we were playing a board game and my bf and got into a major fight. My friend and his wife offered the use of their guest room and bf left.

 

Right away my friend started in on me, telling me all the reasons I shouldn't marry bf. He and his W and I sat there drinking wine and I got more and more confused.

 

Everyone went bed, but in the middle of the, night, he got into my bed and stroked my arm. I could have asked to stop but just turned over and we made out. Why ? Because it felt amazing.

 

I made a full confession to bf and he forgave but I really haven't forgiven myself. I'm still a little baffled by it all. I wonder if it's possible to be attracted to someone and not even know it?

[carhill]

Is there truth in the statement - once a cheater always a cheater?

Sure, for some people there is. They're engaging in predicting future behavior based on past behavior. Happens a lot in life, not just with infidelity.

 

I'd particularly like to know from women who cheated whilst in a committed relationship...

Cool, been with my share of MW's over the decades but not a woman so....

I cheated with a MM whilst in my relationship with long term bf... now I've broken up with both and i am looking to start a new relationship...

Cleared the slate, so to speak. How long ago and any personal work in between?

 

but i am terrified of 2 things:

 

1) Not being satisfied in my new relationships (given that i was addicted to my ex MM)

That's reasonable. Usually sufficient alone time and personal work gain understanding of the healthy purpose of relationships and how 'satisfaction' plays into that.

2) cheating again ( a horrible horrible thought)

I look at it this way. I wasn't unfaithful today. Tomorrow is unknown. Live life in the now, making active choices in the now.

 

Lastly, though you didn't cover it, I've noted, and posted, about how perception can play a role in all this. How we each perceive what 'cheating' is and how we define the parameters of it for ourselves. It's common to read a wide variety of descriptions of what cheating is on these very forums. One would think there would be one simple description, right? Heh!

 

Good luck with your relationships!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well...

I cheated

my husband cheated

 

neither of us ever cheated again and it has been nearly 34 years...

so i think the statement is false

 

but we are not everybody else...

and i dont care what anyone does or thinks.

[OWAmy]

Hmmm I was in an affair for 3.5yrs. Technically I didn't cheat on my boyfriend - we opened up our relationship but shortly thereafter we broke up. All amicable.

 

I can categorically state that I wouldn't cheat again, opens a relationship again or ever be involved in an affair again. It hurt too much. I evolved as a person. My boundaries on dealing with men are rigid. Life is simpler.

 

I'm with my former AP and believe he was also hurt by all of this.

 

The term "once a cheater always a cheater" is catchy but negative and I don't believe it's true on the whole.

 

It's still very raw for you, but you are questioning important subjects. This shows to me you are growing as a person. When we want better for ourselves and realise we deserve better than we are no longer accepting of these limited relationships:-)

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think there is a line to be crossed when someone engages in a affair. The move from monogamy to somehow justified "illicit" polygamy.

 

The hard bit with any line is crossing it for the first time. Once crossed it is easy to do it again.

 

I think lines crossed as a child or as young adult may not necessarily predict the future. A kid stealing five pounds from his mother's purse may not grow up to be a thief and the teenager who gets into fights all the tme may not end up as a violent criminal, but I have a feeling that lines crossed as an adult, with all the reasoning and good sense that being an adult brings may indeed predict future behaviour.

Once that line is crossed it is very easy to cross it again and again, especially if the consequences suffered are not that severe.

 

I think this is a good point. I used to steal baseball cards as a really young kid, and turned into no kind of thief.

 

If I had a girlfriend when I was 20 years old and some unbelievably cute woman was throwing herself at me, I might have been inclined to give in.

 

Of course, I had ZERO women at that age. Let alone the option to cheat.

 

Now, over age 40, I define myself a certain way, and the chances of me giving in to a repeated affair are minimal to none. So, it's unlikely I will ever have that regret.

 

Sometimes being less attractive to women is a blessing in disguise in retrospect...

[mikeylo]

While the cheater may not cheat again but the label will remain.

[BetrayedH]

People can most certainly learn and change.

 

But after what I went through, I'm gone at the first whiff of infidelity.

[knabe]

While the cheater may not cheat again but the label will remain.

 

There comes a point when the above says more about the people around the former cheater than the cheater him/herself.

 

And what it says isn't good.

[jenkins95]

The hard bit with any line is crossing it for the first time. Once crossed it is easy to do it again.

 

I agree and I guess this is the same principle as to why a psychopath may take many years to cross that line to become a killer...but then quickly progress to serial killer status having crossed the line once (sorry for that cheerful example! )

 

In a relationship context, this perhaps illustrates why, when two cheaters leave relationships to be together, there is a higher risk of infidelity in the new relationship. I think that is generally acknowledged to be true.

 

The counter-side to this is also apparent in many of the replies to this thread. Many people are so totally overwhelmed by the pain they suffer and cause others that they learn their lesson immediately having made the mistake once. I firmly put myself in the NEVER AGAIN category.

 

It may also be true that if cheaters get away with it lightly by being given forgiveness too easily or never getting caught, again the risk is higher for re-offending.

Edited July 14, 2017 by jenkins95

[wmacbride]

As odd as it might sound, I would trust someone who cheated but who ah put the work in to understand why they cheated and earned better ways of behaving will be less apt to cheat than someone who has never had an affair and who blithely believes "love is enough".

 

I say that because the "reformed cheater" is far more likely to be mindful of their behavior and have strong boundaries than someone who doesn't have their experience to draw on. Of course, this doesn't apply to someone who cheated and all they learned from the experience is how to not get caught the next time or who accepts no responsibility for their choices.

[Mrs. John Adams]

While the cheater may not cheat again but the label will remain.

 

I certainly dont call my husband a cheater nor does he call me a cheater...

 

No one else knows except my parents...and they dont call us cheaters

either...

 

so I am guessing the only people calling us cheaters are the people here and we really dont care what other people may label us especially strangers on an internet forum.

[knabe]

As odd as it might sound, I would trust someone who cheated but who ah put the work in to understand why they cheated and earned better ways of behaving will be less apt to cheat than someone who has never had an affair and who blithely believes "love is enough".

 

I say that because the "reformed cheater" is far more likely to be mindful of their behavior and have strong boundaries than someone who doesn't have their experience to draw on. Of course, this doesn't apply to someone who cheated and all they learned from the experience is how to not get caught the next time or who accepts no responsibility for their choices.

 

True. The "I would nevers" scare me. Pride goes before the fall and all that. Arrogance MAKES one vulnerable.

[aileD]

Cheating is not an involuntary action. Its a choice. Therefore even if one cheats they can make the decision not to again. Just because it happened once doesn't mean they can't control it happening again.

 

Make a choice of what your morals and values are and then don't engage in activity that goes against those.

 

If you get bored with someone, take steps to fix the relationship or leave it. That's also a choice

 

We as people are not forced to be in any box. We have the choice to be who we want to be. If you don't want to be a cheater then don't be one.

[carhill]

One perspective is that once one makes that choice and performs any action/word/behavior, they have forever performed it.

 

As example, I had to lie like a rug to convince my mother to self-admit to a locked mental institution. I hated myself for that even if the cause was 'noble'. I'll always have lied to my own mother. Nothing can erase that, even not ever lying to her, or anyone ever again. It's always there.

 

Apply as appropriate to cheating or infidelity. This goes back to perception. We each perceive our actions and behaviors, and those of others, individually. Else there would but one answer and these threads would never have more than one post

[understand50]

No one act, sets a person on one road for life. People who cheat continually, are just people who cheat. The one time cheater, is just that, at a point in their life they made a bad decision.

 

If we believe people can change, and we know they can, that the whole premise does not holed water.

 

My two cents.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Well...i lied one time...i stole one time...i cheated one time

 

Does that make me a liar a thief and a cheater for life?

 

no it doesn't

 

I made a very bad decision one time a very long time ago...does it mean i learned nothing? I would think that 33 years later...i have a proven record that says i never repeated the offense.

 

There are certainly people who are serial cheaters...I dont happen to be one of them...and i think it is extremely unfair to be judged by those who truly have no impact in my life whatsoever...

 

We can speculate all day long about people we dont know...we can look at statistics...we can make all kinds of judgements

 

but the only opinions that matter are the ones involved in each particular relationship

 

I would absolutley bet my life that my husband would NEVER cheat on me again...because..he would never have cheated had i not cheated first

 

 

and i will tell you....i will NEVER cheat again.....i used to say never say never...but i am 62 years old....and i know beyond any shadow of a doubt..I will NEVER cheat again

 

Now you may call me a cheater...but i have probably been married longer than most of you have been alive....i have been married 45 years

 

is change possible ?...yes

just because you cheated once...does it mean you will cheat again?

well that depends on you..,what did you lose? what do you want? and who are you?

 

If you learned from your affair that you dont want to be that person...if you work at being a faithful and loyal spouse...if you set strong boundaries and become transparent...I beleive that you can be the spouse that your spouse deserves.

 

If however...you have not become accountable for your choices..if you blame other people...if you validate your actions...then no you probably will not be a faithful and loyal spouse..and you very well may be a repeat offender

[elaine567]

 

I do think people can change. I used to cheat in pretty much every relationship I was in when I was younger. As I got older, I realized what I was doing to people and stopped. It can be done, but I don't think most people bother.

 

Good point

 

There tends to be an emphasis placed on the the downsides of cheating, the hurt caused to others, the fall out, the wearing of the hair shirt and the beating oneself up, BUT there are actually a lot of upsides to cheating for an individual.

 

Some people just like cheating and whilst it may not be politically correct in polite circles to say so, some actually love it; it is as natural as breathing to them.

I am not necessarily talking about "players" of both sexes, just ordinary everyday people who couldn't be faithful for long, even if they tried...

[Marco Valerio]

The hard bit with any line is crossing it for the first time. Once crossed it is easy to do it again.

 

I think lines crossed as a child or as young adult may not necessarily predict the future. A kid stealing five pounds from his mother's purse may not grow up to be a thief and the teenager who gets into fights all the tme may not end up as a violent criminal, but I have a feeling that lines crossed as an adult, with all the reasoning and good sense that being an adult brings may indeed predict future behaviour.

Once that line is crossed it is very easy to cross it again and again, especially if the consequences suffered are not that severe.

 

I completely agree with this, and is also my experience.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think there is a line to be crossed when someone engages in a affair. The move from monogamy to somehow justified "illicit" polygamy.

 

The hard bit with any line is crossing it for the first time. Once crossed it is easy to do it again.

 

I think lines crossed as a child or as young adult may not necessarily predict the future. A kid stealing five pounds from his mother's purse may not grow up to be a thief and the teenager who gets into fights all the tme may not end up as a violent criminal, but I have a feeling that lines crossed as an adult, with all the reasoning and good sense that being an adult brings may indeed predict future behaviour.

Once that line is crossed it is very easy to cross it again and again, especially if the consequences suffered are not that severe.

 

I would like to ask...what would be classified SEVERE consequences? and who dictates them?

 

some might look at me and say...I suffered no consequences because we remained married and have had a very blessed life.

 

But you dont know what i might have suffered mentally and emotionally because of my affair.

 

So i would like to know the definition of suffering consequences.