Do you believe the phrase "Once a cheater, always a cheater"

[dichotomy]

Also understand that marriage is tough work.

 

Besides cheating - there are any number of other "betrayals or losses" suffered in marriages. Plenty of posts of spouses complaining about low sex/no sex from their partners - in fact a common concern by many men facing marriage. Then there a financial betrayals or abandonment. Child rearing and house care...and more.

 

If I was to get a do over on marriage or long term relationships I would be sure to openly and clearly ask detailed questions or expectations I had on a number of topics.

[Echo74]

Also understand that marriage is tough work.

 

Besides cheating - there are any number of other "betrayals or losses" suffered in marriages. Plenty of posts of spouses complaining about low sex/no sex from their partners - in fact a common concern by many men facing marriage. Then there a financial betrayals or abandonment. Child rearing and house care...and more.

 

If I was to get a do over on marriage or long term relationships I would be sure to openly and clearly ask detailed questions or expectations I had on a number of topics.

 

That doesn't necessarily work either unfortunately. My now estranged H and I talked about everything and he said he has extreme discipline (former Marine officer) and it would be forever. Yet here I am alone after over 20 years of marriage. Not from infidelity but from lack of communication skills. Relationships become difficult when one person buries their head in the sand rather than confronting issues and make an effort to resolve them.

[Whoknew30]

My WW has not cheated since Dday 12 years ago. She had a history even before we met of non monogamy and multiple intimate relationships at the same time.

 

but without going into all the complicated details - she retains certain mindsets, morals, weakness, characteristics, lack of full developed boundaries, or even just shades of polyamory or something like that .....that leaves her open to it more than others.

 

She is for sure less likely to cheat now, but she has it in her. I would say I have also noticed occasionally minor drifting into behaviors normal non cheaters do not engage in.

 

She also knows I am "aware" (woke? diligent?) and would give her the boot in a second and she places high value our family and home life as do I.

 

My two cents is it that it in our/her case it feels like alcoholism. They say there are NO cured alcoholics - only sober ones.

 

So yes its been over 10 years - of no cheating but I would not say its because she is cured of it. If that makes any sense.

 

but I understand more now then ever - that cheating happens and its possible or a risk with anyone - especially under certain circumstances.

 

What you say is true...we all have weaknesses & mine i found out is definitely attractive guys. It's my whole family's weakness it seems. I cheated once & can say I wouldn't again but "that feeling" never permanently goes away. I think that's the reason certain WS will run to tell their BS (if reconciled) when a ex AP comes back or they're in that mind frame again bc they're fighting that feeling.

 

I don't care why someone has an A 9 times out of 10 the physical aspect is going to be off the charts & once a person experiences that kind of intensity...it's difficult to forget...as you were saying "like a alcoholic/addict missing that buzz". Affair sex is definitely a high.

[purplesorrow]

My ex has made tremendous changes and has grown a lot. He does not believe he will ever cheat again. I believe that about him too, but I'm not willing to take him back to test that theory.

[cocorico]

Has anyone here who has been in a relationship for over 10 years, cheated (or spouse/partner cheated), reconciled/therapy, and never cheated again?

 

 

I've been in a R for over 10 years, my H was unfaithful (though not to me), had IC, has not been unfaithful since. His infidelity was in his previous M - which he left to be with me - and he's been completely faithful ever since.

 

He was faithful for 3 decades before the infidelity. He has been faithful since. And he's had many opportunities (both in the decades before the infidelity, and since), but has chosen not to act on them.

 

It's not inevitable, but if someone's track record suggests multiple infidelities rather than just one, it may be wise to be wary.

[Ahurtgirl]

I think there is truth to the saying but there are so many variables that affect if a person will always cheat. I told my spouse immediately about being involved with someone from the start. I didn't want any deception and actually having an AP gave my exhusband relief to know there was someone who wanted to be with me since he had no interest.

If I someday find myself in a marriage to someone who is heterosexual, I doubt I would ever go down the same path. I don't crave variety and I'd be content with the same person for a hundred years.

[wmacbride]

It depends on both the person, and the person they cheated on.

 

The person who cheated has a lot of mental work to do, because, for whatever the reason was, at one point in time, there was a piece of their personality that allowed them to have an affair. It can take a lot of work to gain the self awareness required to not cheat again.

 

The person they cheated on also has a job to do. They have to allow their ws ( or cheating boyfriend /girlfriend) to do the heavy lifting needed to repair things, to hold their spouse's feet to the fire when it comes to marriage counseling, therapy, being more open with communication and trust building, etc.

 

This being said, a bs also has to be there for their ws. The process of recovery is difficult for both parties, and hard as it may be, the bs needs to walk the fine line between supporting their ws and excusing their behavior.

 

Support is great, excuses help no one.

[wmacbride]

My experience is that once a cheater, always a cheater. I saw this in my own relationships and those of my friends. However, it does not have to be that way. Read this to see how to recognize who will cheat again or not:

 

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater? Marriage Therapists Weigh In | HuffPost

 

The article contains this line, and I think it is incredibly important:

 

"That said, an unfaithful spouse who blames their partner for driving them to cheat isn’t likely to change"

[knabe]

The person who cheated has a lot of mental work to do, because, for whatever the reason was, at one point in time, there was a piece of their personality that allowed them to have an affair. It can take a lot of work to gain the self awareness required to not cheat again.

 

THIS. This idea that someone who cheats is born "different" and is just some ticking time bomb who is separate from "normal" humanity is....just dumb.

 

People can have a period of crap choices or crap behavior without being full on crap from birth, doomed to always be crap. BUT, like you said, they have to do some major work to reclaim their compass and remove the "crapness."

 

I think people who go with the "in the DNA and it's who they really are" line are basically just using it as a way to deal with their own lingering bitterness and anger. It's understandable, but it's inaccurate.

[d0nnivain]

I'd be willing to forgive some teen who kissed another person while dating & not label them a cheater for life. People do dumb things when they are young & immature.

 

Somebody who broke their marriage vows twice is probably irredeemable.

[dranoel]

Classic saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

 

In your experience, have you found this to be true?

[bathtub-row]

There was a study done awhile back that said people who smoke are more likely to cheat than non-smokers. I think it had to do with the devil-may-care type attitude that many of us associate with smokers. Putting people in a box and trying to figure them out is a tough thing to do. Humans are amazingly complex. There's some truth in the smoking theory, and some truth in the 'once a cheater' theory - but neither of them are completely accurate.

 

Indicators, to me, would be patterns. Does the person have a history of cheating? Did they learn their lesson the first time? I think age would be a factor, etc. Most importantly, if you find it hard to trust someone because of their past, then don't try to force yourself to trust them.

[mrs rubble]

I agree with bathtub, depends on the history.

I cheated on an old boyfriend out of retaliation for his cheating. He found out and the fallout was horrific. I was 21 then, I learned my lesson and have never and will never cheat again.ETA - I’m 46 now.

[IndigoNight]

My EXH had cheated on me for 10+ years, and he didn't smoke. I smoke, and I cheated once, after my he had accused me of it for 10 years. I left him a note of who I was with, and a graphic description of what I would be doing. I was done. I knew it would end my marriage, and I was ready to accept the consequences. I just wanted him to feel the pain of betrayal, because of the pain he had caused me for years. The final straw was when he was with another woman on our anniversary. So, yeah, I lowered my self to his level, and set out to hurt him. I was happy to file divorce papers a week later.

 

Other than that one time, and it was a long time in the making revenge affair, I despise cheating. So even with my devil-may-care attitude about smoking, my morals are firmly intact for over 20 years. I would leave my current marriage long before I ever even considered sleeping with another man. In 19 years, I have never even been tempted.

[d0nnivain]

Age & circumstances play a role. When very young people cheat I think they can mature & learn not to do that again.

 

Somebody who breaks their marital vows, I would not trust that person again.

[Kranbir8]

I don't think this is always right. Because someone cheated right now. And after that she/he fall in love again. And the relationship got a permanent shape.

[Mr. Lucky]

And the relationship got a permanent shape.

 

Ah, but in one sense, that's what makes a cheater. "Permanent shape" isn't always enough to ensure their fidelity.

 

Some people won't cheat no matter how bad the circumstances. Others won't always be faithful no matter how good - the deficit is in them as opposed to the relationship. Don't think I'd want to be with someone in the latter group...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?

 

Guys, what is your thought on "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

 

Is the statement "Once a cheater, always a cheater" really true? Share your stories!

 

Mixed bag.

[Gaeta]

Depends of the circumstances.

 

 

 

My very good friend got pregnant at 16 and him 18. They kept the baby and married. When he got 30 he cheated. It was the curiosity of not having been with another woman ever. They were able to work through it with therapy and they've been together 35 years now. He has never cheated again.

 

 

 

That's pretty much the only circumstances where I'd think cheating may happen only once and it can be fixed.

[FMW]

I don't believe there are absolutes about anything. Anyone who has lived a while and been paying attention will learn that.

 

That being said, I do believe that past behavior should be considered in evaluating how trustworthy someone is.

[Rockdad]

No not at all. I've known some in my life that had cheated and don't now. My best buddy cheated once and did not repeat it. He and his wife worked through it and he never has again thus far years later in spite of all the opportunity he has in his work and social situation.

 

 

 

Isn't cheating a relative term? In some opinions being in contact with lets say an ex is cheating, flirting or having a drink out with someone is cheating where it isn't to others.

[alphamale]

Classic saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

 

In your experience, have you found this to be true?

 

this phrase is totally true

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Coming from a relationship where she never gave up her lover,

She only hid it from me with stupid excuses, like "it's a text from my mother!",

She had been hooking up with him and talking **** about me to him the entire time,

So yes, my experience with everything is that cheaters always win in due time.

[somanymistakes]

Some people cheat once, see the pain it caused, and never do it again.

 

Other people will keep cheating until the day they die.

 

A cheater is more likely to do it again but nothing's guaranteed

[glows]

I tend to think that statement is usually touted by bitter individuals who aren't at peace. If we stop to think about it there are many reasons a person may be looking for an exit and may be so painfully or emotionally clouded that they don't know how to exit in a more logical and respectful way. I used to think in absolutes (even more so than now) when I was much younger but life has taught me other lessons.

 

If you are judging a person's character you might be benefit more from getting to know the person a bit more. If you are already questioning that person's integrity and ability to judge situations or make judgment calls on a regular basis, you already have your answer so stop looking.