wife not telling me about happy hours with male coworkers

[DougELT]

So my wife works in a predominantly all male area. she is very social and outgoing. Also loves to go to happy hour and have beer or two. she made friends with guys she calls the "cool kids" they go out about once a week for drinks. They are all married. I have noticed that when she says she wants to meet them she is already out at happy hour. If I try to say well you are already out why ask she gets very defensive. Today she told me she wants to meet the guys for drinks. She was actually already out with them for about a half hour. sometimes she uses the excuse that since she has not heard from me she had no idea when I would be home so she went out. If I ask anything about it she gets defensive. Back story is she was married to a verbally abusive alcoholic who always accused her of cheating. I trust her but it kills me that she can not just tell me she left work early to meet co workers. Do I have something to be worried about?

[bathtub-row]

Whenever couples talk about asking permission to do something, it really gets under my skin. You seem to be pretty fair and don't seem to really expect that of your wife but it sounds like she anticipates you being that way. I think two grown-ups sharing a life together should let the other know what they're doing out of courtesy and respect, but I don't think asking permission should come into the picture.

 

It's not likely that you have anything to worry about but I think you two should talk about the difference between asking/granting permission and courteously letting each other know about your plans. Maybe then, she'll be less defensive about the whole thing.

[DougELT]

I totally agree. I think some of it stems from a guy who I know had a thing for her. They met often for lunch when he stopped working with her. She was meeting him at xmas to catch up. I stumbled upon gifts she was giving him. Not a big deal at all. They were friends. But one of the gifts was mens boxers. Kind of an odd thing in my opinion to give someone who is a friend. I got very suspicious after that. She swore it was nothing but a gag gift. She does not speak with him now. Maybe some of that stems from that. I am not looking for permission but just hey this is what I am doing. Telling me out of curtesy like I would do if I were planning on meeting people. I would give her a heads up of what my plans are. I am just concerned because it is now going out and not really saying anything until she is out. I have told her over and over just let me know what your plans are. I don't care you go out. she has a routine of when she comes home. The one day she was really late I texted and asked if she was working late. All I got was be home soon. I asked if she was working late and I got read the riot act about how she can go out after work because she is an adult.

[bathtub-row]

Ok, personally, I think the gag gift response is complete nonsense.

 

I think you need to be careful about how you let her treat you. She sounds pretty disrespectful. I'm not saying you need to shout and get angry about it, but I think you do need to show her that her behavior isn't acceptable and that you're not going to put up with it. She won't respect you otherwise. Actually, she doesn't respect you now. That needs to change.

[DougELT]

UGGHHHH. This does not sound good. When I saw the gifts for her old co worker it was a wool hat, olives (apparently he liked olives), and some star wars boxers that was supposed to be an inside joke. I don't think anything ever happened between them because they were never away on trips for work. They did meet for lunch after he left work. But she was gone for like and hour or so. I saw bank chargers for lunch. I do agree on the respect thing. I am not a fan of going out and not saying anything or saying something when she is already out. I find that rude. I don't care she goes out. Just say something what your plans are.

[Friskyone4u]

She is disrespecting you at the least by lying to you. What else is she lying about.

You are making a big mistake playing Mr Enlightened Male. Sorry, married women don’t regularly go out with a bunch of men and lie to their husbands about it hapoeneing or when it will happen

 

You need to read a book called Not Just Friends

[DougELT]

TO be fair I have met some of her co workers. They are all men. Her department is nothing but men. I have gone out with some of them with her. All nice guys with happy marriages. I have been accusatory about a past co worker she would have lunch with. I did not trust his intentions as far as I could throw him.I made it known. The guys she currently has happy hour with are coming to her bday party. Some are bringing their wives. I really do not care for the hey Im going out and then look at bank statements realizing she was already out when she said she was going out. The time factor was half hour at the most. I will admit I get suspicious. I cant help it. I really believe no cheating is going on. Intimacy is great. She does not seem distant. We are actively planning lots of trips together.

[bathtub-row]

I doubt that she’s cheating but she’s playing some sort of game with you and I’d get that worked out if I were you. Deceit on any level in a marriage simply doesn’t work.

[d0nnivain]

I think you have something to worry about but it's not what many think. I don't think she's cheating. I think she is developing a problem with alcohol. Leaving work early so you can start drinking is a problem. Going out after work for happy hour all the time isn't ideal but it's less of a problem then prioritizing booze over business.

 

Talk to your wife. Tell her you don't care about the happy hour but you have concerns about the timing. You'd also prefer honest disclosures. See what she says.

 

Is she driving after these Happy hours? That is dangerous too.

[DougELT]

I agree about the game part. I tried telling her you do not have to ask when going out. Your text seemed like it was asking for permission. I was told she wasn't and she is an adult and make her own decisions.

[Rockdad]

Whenever couples talk about asking permission to do something, it really gets under my skin.

 

 

Oh gawd I know!!!

[bathtub-row]

I think you have something to worry about but it's not what many think. I don't think she's cheating. I think she is developing a problem with alcohol. Leaving work early so you can start drinking is a problem. Going out after work for happy hour all the time isn't ideal but it's less of a problem then prioritizing booze over business.

 

Talk to your wife. Tell her you don't care about the happy hour but you have concerns about the timing. You'd also prefer honest disclosures. See what she says.

 

Is she driving after these Happy hours? That is dangerous too.

 

Interesting perspective. I never thought of that.

[Gaeta]

Leaving work early so you can start drinking is a problem.

 

 

 

 

In opening OP said they go out once a week.

[Gaeta]

. I asked if she was working late and I got read the riot act about how she can go out after work because she is an adult.

 

 

It sounds like she has some built up resentment toward you. In this thread you keep saying you understand she can make her own decisions but at the same time you're also saying you make your disagreement known.

 

 

 

Also this is happening only once a week, about just leaving her alone on that day? Must she text you each Thursday to tell you it's the happy hour day? Just assume that's what she does and plan something else for yourself.

[d0nnivain]

. I trust her but it kills me that she can not just tell me she left work early to meet co workers.

 

In opening OP said they go out once a week.

 

Yeah but he also said she left work early to go to the happy hour. That seems more troublesome then the coworkers' genders.

[bathtub-row]

It sounds like she has some built up resentment toward you. In this thread you keep saying you understand she can make her own decisions but at the same time you're also saying you make your disagreement known.

 

Also this is happening only once a week, about just leaving her alone on that day? Must she text you each Thursday to tell you it's the happy hour day? Just assume that's what she does and plan something else for yourself.

 

I think his point was that she tells him she’s going to go when she’s already there. I somewhat agree with you except that it seems she would just mention it that morning, or the evening before. Seems to be a breakdown in communication. But, still, it’s more like she’s dodging the issue, which is odd.

[Gaeta]

Yeah but he also said she left work early to go to the happy hour. That seems more troublesome then the coworkers' genders.

 

 

I am not sure I get the issue. She has to let him know she left work early? Why?

 

 

If happy hour is each Thursday and he knows she's going each time so why the need to be told? and why does he need to know if she finished at 4h30 or 5h?

 

 

ETA: We know we can't change someone but often all we need to do is change our own behavior so our SO stops being on the defensive and from there we're getting a better behavior. To me she is on the defensive because he's at her each week with this 'text me, let me know ahead of time' etc etc. I still can't figure out why he needs to know ahead of time. All he needs to know is that on Thursday she doesn't come home till 8pm.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Gaeta

[Mr. Lucky]

So my wife works in a predominantly all male area. she is very social and outgoing. Also loves to go to happy hour and have beer or two. she made friends with guys she calls the "cool kids" they go out about once a week for drinks. They are all married. I have noticed that when she says she wants to meet them she is already out at happy hour. If I try to say well you are already out why ask she gets very defensive. Today she told me she wants to meet the guys for drinks. She was actually already out with them for about a half hour. sometimes she uses the excuse that since she has not heard from me she had no idea when I would be home so she went out.

 

Boy, this seems like much ado about nothing. Were I in your wife's shoes, this seems like something I wouldn't ask you about in advance but might tell you in passing once I got home. In a group setting, genders don't really matter.

 

But then I trust my wife. dougkphoto, if you don't trust yours that's a different discussion...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I am not sure I get the issue. She has to let him know she left work early? Why?

 

 

If happy hour is each Thursday and he knows she's going each time so why the need to be told? and why does he need to know if she finished at 4h30 or 5h?.

 

I read that to meet that quitting time was 5 pm but she was leaving early at 4:30 to go drinking. That is what I see as a potential problem, prioritizing booze over work. If she has a flexible schedule & can leave when she wants, it's less of an issue.

[Gaeta]

she was leaving early at 4:30 to go drinking

 

 

I have re-read the thread and cannot find where he said she leaves earlier to drink. I interpreted it she leaves earlier because she is looking forward to it, is meeting others that also leave early, wants to get the best spot in the bar, etc. He also says she has a drink or 2. I didn't feel the alcohol was an issue.

 

OP: is your girlfriend a drinker?

 

 

 

 

.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

She lies to you about when she meets this guy for drinks,

She buys him gifts like UNDERWEAR and gets defensive when you think,

She doesn't care how you feel when it comes to her behavior at hand,

I think she's two timing you, or getting to it, and you should take a stand.

[Orokotikki]

Think you need to listen to Doc, get your head out of the sand, go quiet, and get investigative!

 

Also - have you ever spoken to her ex?

Probably not, but could be enlightening.

 

IF she was a cheater, it is very common to paint the BS in all sorts of terrible ways.

 

But focus on the here and now.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Orokotikki

[Marc878]

Work is one thing but I'd be checking my phone bill

[Els]

Why on earth must she ask the OP before hanging out with her colleagues for a couple of hours after work?? Do all of you never go to lunch or happy hour or whatever with colleagues without informing your spouse BEFORE you go????

 

 

It's not like she's going out alone with this one same guy several times a week.

Edited August 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[guest569]

Why on earth must she ask the OP before hanging out with her colleagues for a couple of hours after work?? Do all of you never go to lunch or happy hour or whatever with colleagues without informing your spouse BEFORE you go????

 

 

It's not like she's going out alone with this one same guy several times a week.

 

I agree. This is odd to me. I would probably send a quick text to say "hey ill be home an hour later today, see you soon" so he knows I'm OK if he would expect me home around a certain time. Not asking! Informing!

 

I don't know what to make of her buying of underwear for a friend. That just seems wrong. A gag gift, hmm I don't quite understand.

Edited August 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator