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wife not telling me about happy hours with male coworkers

DougELT

By DougELT,
in General Relationship Discussion

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BluesPower

BluesPower

Posted
Posted

Let me tell everyone what will happen...

 

If OP digs, looks at the phone bill, maybe a VAR, all the standard stuff, he will find out that she already had an affair with the guy from work.

 

And she is still screwing around now.

 

Further, since he is enlightened beta boy, as soon as she finds one that provides better than him, or is worth leaving him for whatever reason, she will find a reason to divorce.

 

When you are in a loving caring marriage, this is not how you behave.

 

Why does she need to tell him she is an adult all the time? Because she is not. Her Ex may have been abusive, but I bet she was out of line in that relationship.

 

When you care about your partner, this is not how you act. If I want to go play and have a few, I call my GF and ASK if she wants to go. She does the same for me.

 

If she wants to swing by her watering hole and have a wine, she lets me know. As she lets me know that she is safe at home if we are not together that night.

 

Something is going on with her, and if OP looks he will find it...

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Gaeta

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Let me tell everyone what will happen...

 

If OP digs, looks at the phone bill, maybe a VAR, all the standard stuff, he will find out that she already had an affair with the guy from work.

 

And she is still screwing around now.

 

Further, since he is enlightened beta boy, as soon as she finds one that provides better than him, or is worth leaving him for whatever reason, she will find a reason to divorce.

 

When you are in a loving caring marriage, this is not how you behave.

 

Why does she need to tell him she is an adult all the time? Because she is not. Her Ex may have been abusive, but I bet she was out of line in that relationship.

 

When you care about your partner, this is not how you act. If I want to go play and have a few, I call my GF and ASK if she wants to go. She does the same for me.

 

If she wants to swing by her watering hole and have a wine, she lets me know. As she lets me know that she is safe at home if we are not together that night.

 

Something is going on with her, and if OP looks he will find it...

 

 

Can I role my eyes?

 

 

 

Not all relationships have the same dynamic. Not everyone *reports* their every move to their partner. Trust is not built on reporting ourselves at every change of direction. There are several other aspects of a relationship that make a marriage strong and 'reporting' isn't one for many couples.

 

 

It's also GOOD to have friendships and interactions outside of our relationships and having our partner tag along every outings isn't a proof of 'love' or 'respect for marriage'. To me it's a proof of lack of trust and lack of individuality. If every time we had a happy hour my male colleague called his wife to ask if she wants to tag along I'd roll my eyes at him as well.

 

 

OP's GF works in a world of men, again the dynamic is different there. Buying a pair of boxers as a joke is nothing. My daughter is a welder and works with 400 male welders. As per some of you she's lucky her boyfriend doesn't think she cheats each time one of her co-workers draws a penis on her tool box, cause this stuff happens a lot!. It's a different world and corporate etiquette doesn't apply to these types of work place. If you are the only female in a work place of 100s of men you still want to be part of the guys, you don't want to be the 'woman' everyone has to wear white gloves to handle. The underwear is just that, being part of the guys by doing the same jokes males do among themselves.

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BluesPower

BluesPower

Posted
Posted
Can I role my eyes?

 

Not all relationships have the same dynamic. Not everyone *reports* their every move to their partner. Trust is not built on reporting ourselves at every change of direction. There are several other aspects of a relationship that make a marriage strong and 'reporting' isn't one for many couples.

 

It's also GOOD to have friendships and interactions outside of our relationships and having our partner tag along every outings isn't a proof of 'love' or 'respect for marriage'. To me it's a proof of lack of trust and lack of individuality. If every time we had a happy hour my male colleague called his wife to ask if she wants to tag along I'd roll my eyes at him as well.

 

OP's GF works in a world of men, again the dynamic is different there. Buying a pair of boxers as a joke is nothing. My daughter is a welder and works with 400 male welders. As per some of you she's lucky her boyfriend doesn't think she cheats each time one of her co-workers draws a penis on her tool box, cause this stuff happens a lot!. It's a different world and corporate etiquette doesn't apply to these types of work place. If you are the only female in a work place of 100s of men you still want to be part of the guys, you don't want to be the 'woman' everyone has to wear white gloves to handle. The underwear is just that, being part of the guys by doing the same jokes males do among themselves.

 

We will see if OP checks it out and comes back to report...

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thefooloftheyear

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
Why on earth must she ask the OP before hanging out with her colleagues for a couple of hours after work?? Do all of you never go to lunch or happy hour or whatever with colleagues without informing your spouse BEFORE you go???? :confused:

 

 

It's not like she's going out alone with this one same guy several times a week.

 

 

Assuming I worked in a business that was full of women, and I was the only guy, then went out with them for drinks and never said anything to my SO(wouldn't matter if I informed them or not actually),.....well.....let's just say I have never met a woman that I know would be cool with that.....I mean....none....zero......

 

TFY

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
I was the only guy, then went out with them for drinks and never said anything to my SO(wouldn't matter if I informed them or not actually)

 

But isn't she informing him?

 

Today she told me she wants to meet the guys for drinks. She was actually already out with them for about a half hour.

 

What she's not doing is asking his "permission" in advance, something I wouldn't think to do either if stopping off for 30 minutes with a group from work.

 

I think this is more about the dynamic of the relationship than it is about infidelity...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Gaeta

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Assuming I worked in a business that was full of women, and I was the only guy, then went out with them for drinks and never said anything to my SO(wouldn't matter if I informed them or not actually),.....well.....let's just say I have never met a woman that I know would be cool with that.....I mean....none....zero......

 

TFY

 

But this is not about not telling him. This is not about going out randomly.

 

He knows she goes out to happy hour with her colleagues once week. If she has been doing this for 10 years does he STILL need to be informed each Thursday that's where she's heading after work?

 

Every Thursday I get home late cause I do company banking. You think I call my BF each Thursday on my way out of work to tell him? He should know by now after 3 years dating this is what I do! As per you I should call him each Thursday to let him know I am at the bank and not cheating on him?

 

 

 

 

.

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thefooloftheyear

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted (edited)
But this is not about not telling him. This is not about going out randomly.

 

He knows she goes out to happy hour with her colleagues once week. If she has been doing this for 10 years does he STILL need to be informed each Thursday that's where she's heading after work?

 

Every Thursday I get home late cause I do company banking. You think I call my BF each Thursday on my way out of work to tell him? He should know by now after 3 years dating this is what I do! As per you I should call him each Thursday to let him know I am at the bank and not cheating on him?

 

 

 

 

.

 

Maybe I didn't read the whole thing...>(and neither did you of my post, btw)...

 

No woman I have ever known would be ok with me doing this...It doesn't matter if I told her, didn't tell her, sent smoke signals, carrier pigeon, sent a drone, whatever...

 

One guy....lot of women.....alcohol.....ehhh.......no effing way...:laugh:

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Gaeta

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
Maybe I didn't read the whole thing...>(and neither did you of my post, btw)...

 

No woman I have ever known would be ok with me doing this...It doesn't matter if I told her, didn't tell her, sent smoke signals, carrier pigeon, sent a drone, whatever...

 

One guy....lot of women.....alcohol.....ehhh.......no effing way...:laugh:

 

TFY

 

 

I am dumbfounded by no women you've ever known would be ok with that. We're not talking drinks at midnight in a strip club here, we're talking a happy hour a few meters away from the office at 17h. People don't get drunk at happy hours, it's to cool down, de-stress and trash-talk the bosses, It's 1-2 hours at the most. Gosh I am happy I am not that crazy insecure.

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NuevoYorko

NuevoYorko

Posted
Posted
We will see if OP checks it out and comes back to report...
If he abuses her privacy because he's insecure, that is a problem. His problem, which is likely to get worse when she learns that he felt justified to go through her phone, follow her, whatever because she is acting like a normal adult.

 

For the record, there are countless people in loving relationships who are not required to report their movements to their spouses. Yes, as the other posters have said, it is not out of line at all for someone to go to happy hour with their co-workers weekly for one or two beers. For heaven's sake.

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doyathinkso

doyathinkso

Posted
Posted
I am dumbfounded by no women you've ever known would be ok with that. We're not talking drinks at midnight in a strip club here, we're talking a happy hour a few meters away from the office at 17h. People don't get drunk at happy hours, it's to cool down, de-stress and trash-talk the bosses, It's 1-2 hours at the most. Gosh I am happy I am not that crazy insecure.

 

 

Are you really trying to sound this naive?

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DrReplyInRhymes

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted

A happy hour after work is fine, nothing wrong with that activity by itself,

Nothing wrong with drinking a beer with friends after work with some top shelf,

However, lying about when and with whom? With a previous history of questionable gifts?

Defensive when asked? Combine all of this and it sounds like bull ****.

 

I admit, I don't know the dynamic, but if switched around like some mentioned before,

No woman would be comfortable with their man lying, drinking, and buying gifts for another woman galore,

They'd be asking their man "hey, what's going on, do you have something to say?",

and if the defensive dismissal of their response is met, you wouldn't think it's okay!

 

I bet she's been having an affair with this guy, and that's the real reason for leaving work so early each time,

The "happy hour" together afterward is just a cover story, a plausibly deniable situation that is "fine".

When questioned about the gifts, and the irrational anger toward a justified question about it from her man,

She deflects, disregards how he feels, and lies about it constantly, something to NOT understand!

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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Are you really trying to sound this naive?

 

 

I am not naive, I am a modern independent & confident woman that sees nothing wrong with a woman going out for drinks after work with a bunch of co-workers. I would NOT mind my BF to grab drinks after work with a bunch of women! I trust him to know how to handle himself while in a relationship. I also don't mind because I am *secure*in who I am and if he's crazy enough to cheat on me then I'll dump his sorry arse and find someone better. I am not going to *control* a man into being faithful to me.

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Gaeta

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
A happy hour after work is fine, nothing wrong with that activity by itself,

Nothing wrong with drinking a beer with friends after work with some top shelf,

However, lying about when and with whom? With a previous history of questionable gifts?

Defensive when asked? Combine all of this and it sounds like bull ****.

 

 

Where did she lie?

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Malin889

Malin889

Posted
Posted

Forget about the happy hour and her having drinking problem. I think the real issue is, why is she buying another man gifts, especially underwear?! I immediately thought she had something going on with that guy when you said she bought him gifts. Say they weren’t having an affair, the gifts were completely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving another man. Does she buy you boxers? Lol.

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guest569

guest569

Posted
Posted
Forget about the happy hour and her having drinking problem. I think the real issue is, why is she buying another man gifts, especially underwear?! I immediately thought she had something going on with that guy when you said she bought him gifts. Say they weren’t having an affair, the gifts were completely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving another man. Does she buy you boxers? Lol.

 

What if a husband bought a female colleague a g-string as a gag? That is enough to make me gag. So maybe the gender makes it different or makes it OK . I'm not so sure. This gag gift is the thing that sits me on the fence. Not sure what is going on here.

 

Going for happy hour though, totally fine. I wouldn't expect permission about it. Just tell me so I know you're OK.

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Gaeta

Gaeta

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Posted
Forget about the happy hour and her having drinking problem. I think the real issue is, why is she buying another man gifts, especially underwear?! I immediately thought she had something going on with that guy when you said she bought him gifts. Say they weren’t having an affair, the gifts were completely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving another man. Does she buy you boxers? Lol.

 

OP gave no details on the underwear, all we know it could be a pair of ridiculous boxers as a joke, we don't even know if they were meant to be from her only or she was just designated by the group to go get them.

 

 

 

There are all types of accusations and assumptions flying left and right in this thread based on nothing.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
What if a husband bought a female colleague a g-string as a gag? That is enough to make me gag. So maybe the gender makes it different or makes it OK . I'm not so sure. This gag gift is the thing that sits me on the fence. Not sure what is going on here.

 

My sister once gave me boxers with Star Wars figures on them for Christmas, I'm a big fan. She has yet to make any moves on me...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Redhead14

Redhead14

Posted
Posted

I trust her -- No, you don't. If you are going to address a marriage issue, you have to start being completely honest with yourself and your partner.

 

 

When she lets you know she's going out isn't the issue. What difference does it make if she let's you know before she goes there or a half an hour later? This is not about what you're saying it's about. There's more to it.

 

 

How often does she go out with them? Does she ever invite you? Does she come home at a reasonable time?

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