Married Man magnet

[BluBell]

I realize how this sounds, but would appreciate some feedback. In recent years it seems that the only men who are ever interested in dating me are married or in a relationship. I've never reciprocated or accepted an advance from a married man though it's been tempting, plenty of times. What does this say about me? I'm not relationship worthy? I have qualities that only attract someone who is not interested in something permanent? Why am I so desirable to attached men but not single ones?

[BluBell]

It’s just that there’s this one guy who is coming on very strong at the moment. It’s strange how I felt flattered and offended at the same time. I’ve known him

For years, and have always thought he was really hot. Normally I can turn down advances easily but he’s harder to resist. Then I remind myself he’s married and can’t be a good person if he’d hit on me in the first place. But he’s just so hot though. Sigh.

[darkbloom]

I haven’t been hit on by a single nonmarried man in over a year. It says nothing about us and everything about them.

[basil67]

Is the reason related to your age group? There comes a time when the majority of good men have settled down.

[BluBell]

It’s something I’ve experienced since my early 20s but I paid less attention then. Are they the “good ones” if they are trying to cheat on their wives or girlfriends, though? I am just interested if there are certain aspects of myself I need to change to attract available men instead of unavailable ones.

[AngelLove]

It's unfortunate isn't it? The men around me or anyone I've had intrest in in the last few years is either already married or in a relationship.Don't let this man convince you otherwise...stick to your standards.Trust me it isn't worth the heartache of getting involved with unavailable man.If he is not leaving then your relationship is doomed from the start. I've been there and it never works

 

Have you tried online dating?

Edited August 23, 2018 by AngelLove

[ExpatInItaly]

Is the reason related to your age group? There comes a time when the majority of good men have settled down.

 

I was just wondering the same.

 

OP, I would agree that good men don't try to cheat on their partners. I just think that as we get older, most of us eventually do partner up, leaving fewer singles around. Depending on how old you are, this might also simply be a matter of fewer and fewer single guys in your age bracket.

 

That does not excuse married or taken men from behaving like cads, mind you. But it could perhaps explain why you find fewer single men approaching you. Maybe there just aren't that many of them?

[PRW]

It’s something I’ve experienced since my early 20s but I paid less attention then. Are they the “good ones” if they are trying to cheat on their wives or girlfriends, though? I am just interested if there are certain aspects of myself I need to change to attract available men instead of unavailable ones.

The Bike Route icon may indicate you are physically fit and attractive. I'm into cycling and am around women like that all the time. What happens with very attractive women as they move beyond their 20's and early 30's is that all the good men have settled down and got married. These men were successful with women and basically knew what they were doing,..and so,...they succeeded. The rest of the guys who were less attractive to women, were insecure, or just did not know what they were doing are still single.

 

Now here you come along. The single guys who were historically unsuccessful have not improved, probably gotten worse. They look at you as beyond their reach, wouldn't have a chance with you,...they are intimidated, and so they never approach.

 

Now the married ones come along. They know what they are doing, have proven historically successful with women, they are typically not intimidated by you. They also have another advantage,...they have nothing to lose if you turn them down,...they'll just go home to the wife and get laid,...no loss. So they have the skills, the confidence, are unintimidated, and have nothing to lose if you reject them. Yea, they could lose their marriage if you accept them, but they already know that and decided they don't care or they would have never approached you to begin with.

 

Now the ones that are "in a relationship" they may have the same characteristics as the married ones. However girlfriends come and go, boyfriends come and go. Dating relationship end. They almost always end because of the the two people found someone else, and how did they find someone else?? The difference between a cheater and one who is not a cheater is that the non-cheater will drop the old partner once they establish something with a new partner, but there can still be just a little bit of overlap. The cheater will try to maintain both for as long as they can get away with it. It is an ugly truth but it is just the way life is. Boyfriend/Girlfriend situations don't always make a clean "tidy" break before starting a new one with another.

[stillafool]

It’s something I’ve experienced since my early 20s but I paid less attention then. Are they the “good ones” if they are trying to cheat on their wives or girlfriends, though? I am just interested if there are certain aspects of myself I need to change to attract available men instead of unavailable ones.

 

Maybe hang out where there are mostly single men. There are a lot of MM who want some strange on the side. Just say no and keep it moving.

[BluBell]

Yep, tried every online dating site there is. I’ve been on too many first dates to count. Most of the time there’s no chemistry, and when there is chemistry the guy always asks me to sleep with him on the first date, I say no and never hear from them again. I’ve been single for 6 years.

I have a friend who believes that all people are either good partners or they arent; and not that we should all be looking for “the right match”, because if someone is a bad partner, it doesn’t matter who they are linked up with, the relationship will always be doomed.

This logic means I’m not “the marrying kind” but I’d like to be. I wonder if there are certain characteristics that attract otherwise faithful men to become cheaters- because whatever that is, is likely what I need to change about myself.

[FMW]

As long as you aren't being flirtatious and indicating you would be receptive to their advances, don't stress yourself about it. It's them.

 

I highly doubt there is something about you that would entice "otherwise faithful men" to cheat. These men most likely act this way with plenty of other women, it's not just you. If you perceive them as "otherwise faithful" then that just means they are good at keeping it discreet.

 

In my experience, married men are more confident and relaxed and so if they are the cheating type they will make moves much more easily and quickly than your average single guy.

 

You reference meeting guys through OLD that want to have sex on the first date and if you say no then you never hear from them again. That's a similar situation to the married or otherwise unavailable men - they are simply seeking sex, not an emotional relationship.

 

Unfortunately it can just be hard to meet people who you are compatible with and feel chemistry with. It just takes time unfortunately.

[BluBell]

The Bike Route icon may indicate you are physically fit and attractive. I'm into cycling and am around women like that all the time. What happens with very attractive women as they move beyond their 20's and early 30's is that all the good men have settled down and got married. These men were successful with women and basically knew what they were doing,..and so,...they succeeded. The rest of the guys who were less attractive to women, were insecure, or just did not know what they were doing are still single.

 

Now here you come along. The single guys who were historically unsuccessful have not improved, probably gotten worse. They look at you as beyond their reach, wouldn't have a chance with you,...they are intimidated, and so they never approach.

 

Now the married ones come along. They know what they are doing, have proven historically successful with women, they are typically not intimidated by you. They also have another advantage,...they have nothing to lose if you turn them down,...they'll just go home to the wife and get laid,...no loss. So they have the skills, the confidence, are unintimidated, and have nothing to lose if you reject them. Yea, they could lose their marriage if you accept them, but they already know that and decided they don't care or they would have never approached you to begin with.

 

Now the ones that are "in a relationship" they may have the same characteristics as the married ones. However girlfriends come and go, boyfriends come and go. Dating relationship end. They almost always end because of the the two people found someone else, and how did they find someone else?? The difference between a cheater and one who is not a cheater is that the non-cheater will drop the old partner once they establish something with a new partner, but there can still be just a little bit of overlap. The cheater will try to maintain both for as long as they can get away with it. It is an ugly truth but it is just the way life is. Boyfriend/Girlfriend situations don't always make a clean "tidy" break before starting a new one with another.

 

So the takeaway from this is that single men find me undesirable but married men think I'm desirable enough to risk losing their marriage. Or, all of the single men left are complete wimps who are too afraid to even make a move. The answer I'm looking for here has nothing to do with looks, because I think some men find me attractive and some don't. I'm wondering what causes married men to cheat, and why they always keep looking for that opportunity with me. I don't think this happens to all women, because I know lots of single women my age who are also really attractive and have never once had this experience.

[BluBell]

As long as you aren't being flirtatious and indicating you would be receptive to their advances, don't stress yourself about it. It's them.

 

I highly doubt there is something about you that would entice "otherwise faithful men" to cheat. These men most likely act this way with plenty of other women, it's not just you. If you perceive them as "otherwise faithful" then that just means they are good at keeping it discreet.

 

In my experience, married men are more confident and relaxed and so if they are the cheating type they will make moves much more easily and quickly than your average single guy.

 

You reference meeting guys through OLD that want to have sex on the first date and if you say no then you never hear from them again. That's a similar situation to the married or otherwise unavailable men - they are simply seeking sex, not an emotional relationship.

 

Unfortunately it can just be hard to meet people who you are compatible with and feel chemistry with. It just takes time unfortunately.

 

Well at least you agree, I must be doing something to only attract a certain type of interest. I really wish I could figure out how to change that. My question should be then, what am I doing to only attract men who want sex and nothing more? Ouch. Truth hurts!

[BluBell]

I was just wondering the same.

 

OP, I would agree that good men don't try to cheat on their partners. I just think that as we get older, most of us eventually do partner up, leaving fewer singles around. Depending on how old you are, this might also simply be a matter of fewer and fewer single guys in your age bracket.

 

That does not excuse married or taken men from behaving like cads, mind you. But it could perhaps explain why you find fewer single men approaching you. Maybe there just aren't that many of them?

 

This is true. I'm good at producing lots of things from scratch but still haven't figured out how or where to find more single men! I lived in a larger city a few years ago where there were tons of single men. Then my dating issues were different- all the guys were never interested in settling down, always on the hunt for the next best thing. I'm far from perfect and it seemed like they were always searching for perfection.

[BluBell]

It's unfortunate isn't it? The men around me or anyone I've had intrest in in the last few years is either already married or in a relationship.Don't let this man convince you otherwise...stick to your standards.Trust me it isn't worth the heartache of getting involved with unavailable man.If he is not leaving then your relationship is doomed from the start. I've been there and it never works

 

Have you tried online dating?

 

Hi AngelLove, thanks for the reply!

 

Nothing will happen at all with this guy. At least unless he decides to get a divorce. I feel guilty enough just letting him flirt, I'd never live with myself if it went any farther than that while he was married.

But I will admit the flirtation has also been really flattering during a time when I really needed the ego boost.

[carhill]

So, OP, are you involved in an affair? You're new and posted in our OM/OW forum, which is for discussion of and support for people involved with committed partners.

 

Single men and married men apparently find you attractive. Here's an idea to try. If running across a guy not wearing a wedding band (pretty clear sign of being married) and if he passes your interview test on appearance, approach him and strike up a conversation.

 

For those of us who are males, regular guys, by the time we get to my age, if not married forever, we've done this hundreds to thousands of times in life. You have equal opportunity.

 

Expect married guys to approach you sexually. They're being men. You don't apparently have any interest in affairs so decline and move on. Imagine them as an awkward ugly single guy you have zero interest in. Do what comes naturally.

[stillafool]

Yep, tried every online dating site there is. I’ve been on too many first dates to count. Most of the time there’s no chemistry, and when there is chemistry the guy always asks me to sleep with him on the first date, I say no and never hear from them again. I’ve been single for 6 years.

I have a friend who believes that all people are either good partners or they arent; and not that we should all be looking for “the right match”, because if someone is a bad partner, it doesn’t matter who they are linked up with, the relationship will always be doomed.

This logic means I’m not “the marrying kind” but I’d like to be. I wonder if there are certain characteristics that attract otherwise faithful men to become cheaters- because whatever that is, is likely what I need to change about myself.

 

It has nothing to do with you. MM end up cheating to relieve some of the boredom in their life and to satisfy their ego. This has been happening for centuries. The only thing you need to do is not give them your attention. MW are getting just as bad and I wonder what young men are doing to ward them off.

[stillafool]

So the takeaway from this is that single men find me undesirable but married men think I'm desirable enough to risk losing their marriage. Or, all of the single men left are complete wimps who are too afraid to even make a move. The answer I'm looking for here has nothing to do with looks, because I think some men find me attractive and some don't. I'm wondering what causes married men to cheat, and why they always keep looking for that opportunity with me. I don't think this happens to all women, because I know lots of single women my age who are also really attractive and have never once had this experience.

 

It does happen to all women, especially younger women. When I was younger MM hit on me all the time; some with their wives in the same room. At work, on the streets, grocery store, it was sickening. They are bolder because they don't care if you reject them because they have who they want to be with at home. They are just looking for extra sex and an ego feed that they still 'got it'. Lucky for me I already had younger guys chasing me so I thought the MM were complete jerks and a major turn off.

[Striver]

Well at least you agree, I must be doing something to only attract a certain type of interest. I really wish I could figure out how to change that. My question should be then, what am I doing to only attract men who want sex and nothing more? Ouch. Truth hurts!

 

What do you want from a man?

 

Honestly, I hear a lot of absolutes from you. You seem to have every man slotted into some sort of type, and are waiting for them to create the relationship for you.

 

In 2018, women need to do more. You have your freedom now. Passively bitching about the men who approach you was never very appealing and is a lot worse now. Take some responsibility for the men you interact with. Take steps forward when you have to, and develop interests so you can be more interested in the men themselves and they can be more special than just a type.

[PRW]

So the takeaway from this is that single men find me undesirable but married men think I'm desirable enough to risk losing their marriage. Or, all of the single men left are complete wimps who are too afraid to even make a move.

No that isn't the takeaway.

[glows]

I'm a serious bitch so no, this has never happened before and have very little tolerance for lack of integrity. Men are usually intimidated and I've never had a problem with that. My husband (when we were dating) was a catch and persistent and to this day, I consider my equal. No other man has ever come close.

 

So OP, I think its your mindset and YOU as a whole and not married men in particular. You're just a number and you're easy. If you like that type of interaction and get off on it, live and let live I say. But if you are serious about a long term/monogamous relationship and are looking for someone that levelheaded I think you're giving out the wrong vibes.

Edited August 23, 2018 by Portia_Vaughn

[preraph]

It could be that just in conversation, you come off as open-minded and tolerant or a little bit naughty, so they think, Hey, she might be game. So be mindful of your boundaries when talking to men.

[BluBell]

What do you want from a man?

 

Honestly, I hear a lot of absolutes from you. You seem to have every man slotted into some sort of type, and are waiting for them to create the relationship for you.

 

In 2018, women need to do more. You have your freedom now. Passively bitching about the men who approach you was never very appealing and is a lot worse now. Take some responsibility for the men you interact with. Take steps forward when you have to, and develop interests so you can be more interested in the men themselves and they can be more special than just a type.

 

I appreciate the honesty. I don't like people who complain either, but struggle to describe my current situation in a way that doesn't sound like a complaint. I know how I got here, I just didn't realize this is the direction I was moving my life in while it was happening.

 

But I do put myself out there when I'm interested in a guy. I honestly do. I just gave my number to a guy a few weeks ago and am completely flirting with another acquaintance on instagram. It has always worked out that the ones I like don't like me in return..so there it is.

 

And I have no idea what you're talking about re- it's 2018 and we have our freedom now. The fact that women are marching in pink hats and big guys are getting fired for abusing positions of power has had a pretty limited impact on reality for most of us down here on earth. And all of those developments have no meaning when it comes to male-female interaction. The things that attract women to men and men to women haven't changed. Hopefully we all learn to respect each other more, that's all.

 

Ok and what do I want from a man? I don't really like how transactional this question is. Reducing a relationship down to the tangible things we "give" each other...but I want love, sex, and friendship. Someone who's reliable, responsible, and can make me laugh. That's all.

[BluBell]

So, OP, are you involved in an affair? You're new and posted in our OM/OW forum, which is for discussion of and support for people involved with committed partners.

 

Single men and married men apparently find you attractive. Here's an idea to try. If running across a guy not wearing a wedding band (pretty clear sign of being married) and if he passes your interview test on appearance, approach him and strike up a conversation.

 

For those of us who are males, regular guys, by the time we get to my age, if not married forever, we've done this hundreds to thousands of times in life. You have equal opportunity.

 

Expect married guys to approach you sexually. They're being men. You don't apparently have any interest in affairs so decline and move on. Imagine them as an awkward ugly single guy you have zero interest in. Do what comes naturally.

 

All that is happening is flirting. Mostly he's sending me flirtatious words on Words with Friends. I wouldn't really count that as cheating, but I am pretty sure his wife should be somewhat offended. We all have known each other for years but we don't have the kind of friendship where this is normal...whatever he is doing just started out of nowhere. He's probably just bored and I'm reading too much into it.

 

You're the second guy to assume I don't approach men I'm interested in. I honestly do it any time- literally every time- I find a guy I'm interested in. The hard part is finding a guy I'm interested in. I don't let opportunities pass me by!

[carhill]

If you haven't read it yet, try reading our 'metoo making dating tougher' thread for women. It's possible that's impacting your dating life.

 

Ladies has #metoo made it tougher to date?

 

I remember plugging away at it for years, rejection after rejection, before saying screw it and taking five years off to wander the planet and forget about women. After, something must've changed since success improved. Like yourself, I was a married woman magnet. Back then though there was no internet and, well, people lie and it wasn't as easy to check up. Much later in life I'd come to understand part of the problem was myself, having a caretaker personality. Bad deal.

 

Part of the change was giving up on real life meets and going into the then new world of online dating. Never met one married woman online and ended up marrying a lady I met online.