Married Man magnet

[BluBell]

I believe that the issues surrounding #metoo have always affected all women's relationships, the difference now is that people are starting to have a conversation about it. What's hard about dating in 2018 is that dating apps and smartphones make it way too easy for people to constantly be searching for the next best thing. We've all learned to evaluate each other on arbitrary checkbox lists and write each other off for minor flaws because the next person is one swipe away.

 

Sadly I've met a few cheaters online. I dated one for a month or so before finding out that he was in a relationship. Online dating isn't as clean as it used to be.

[BluBell]

 

In 2018, women need to do more.

 

Also I want to address this right here. In my life, I literally do everything. I take care of everyone, and usually put my needs last. I single handedly cook entire meals for the holidays, support myself and contribute financially towards family members' well being, take care of everyone in my family anytime I'm needed, never bow out when a friend needs me for some reason, wear about ten different hats at work and manage a workload that most people can't even comprehend. I eat healthy and exercise regularly, and generally work hard to be someone's ideal partner in life and a decent contributing person to society. I do so much every single day. If anything, I need to do a whole lot less.

 

And how is this statement not speaking in absolutes? That's a sweeping generalization about half the population.

[FMW]

I think maybe you misunderstood my post - I said UNLESS you were being flirtatious with married men... I'm assuming you are not, otherwise you surely wouldn't be questioning. So no, I don't agree it has to be something you are doing.

 

As far as only attracting guys who are looking for sex - My experience when I was in my 20s and now my experience now at 53 is the same - men want sex, they aren't going to be super picky about who they try to hit on for it. I think you're taking it way too personally. This is a fairly common topic of conversation for a lot of women, why are men only after one thing, etc.

 

If you are determined to put it down to something you are doing, then ok maybe it's more about what you're NOT doing. Maybe you don't seem friendly and receptive (if you are a little shy or introverted) and so single guys are less likely to get up the nerve to ask you out, while married guys, as I noted in my last response, are confident and aren't put off by a less than receptive attitude.

 

Don't be so harsh on yourself about something that most likely has nothing to do with you personally. Don't take responsibility for these men being jerks.

[S2B]

It’s something I’ve experienced since my early 20s but I paid less attention then. Are they the “good ones” if they are trying to cheat on their wives or girlfriends, though? I am just interested if there are certain aspects of myself I need to change to attract available men instead of unavailable ones.

 

Are you coming across to men as weak and in need of help? Some men love to rescue.

 

Some women appear as helpless.

 

Some women appear as needy.

 

Some women appear as insecure and vulnerable.

 

 

Are you any of these qualities listed?

[S2B]

I'm a serious bitch so no, this has never happened before and have very little tolerance for lack of integrity. Men are usually intimidated and I've never had a problem with that. My husband (when we were dating) was a catch and persistent and to this day, I consider my equal. No other man has ever come close.

 

So OP, I think its your mindset and YOU as a whole and not married men in particular. You're just a number and you're easy. If you like that type of interaction and get off on it, live and let live I say. But if you are serious about a long term/monogamous relationship and are looking for someone that levelheaded I think you're giving out the wrong vibes.

 

It's true that it is the way YOU are participating that is ALLOWING it to happen.

 

 

If you don't want that as part of your life - shut that $hit down before it even gets close to being problematic.

 

It's YOUR job to eliminate the men who are inappropriate. Those MM just move quickly on to another willing and weak victim.

[Striver]

Also I want to address this right here. In my life, I literally do everything. I take care of everyone, and usually put my needs last. I single handedly cook entire meals for the holidays, support myself and contribute financially towards family members' well being, take care of everyone in my family anytime I'm needed, never bow out when a friend needs me for some reason, wear about ten different hats at work and manage a workload that most people can't even comprehend. I eat healthy and exercise regularly, and generally work hard to be someone's ideal partner in life and a decent contributing person to society. I do so much every single day. If anything, I need to do a whole lot less.

 

And how is this statement not speaking in absolutes? That's a sweeping generalization about half the population.

 

 

Fair enough. I went too far, generalized, went off topic. I apologize.

 

If you feel you are just not connecting with the dating scene right now, maybe take carhill's example and do a major dating reset if possible. Take some time off from dating and throw your current persona away as much as possible. Assuming you aren't trying to start a family and worried about biology.

[BluBell]

Are you coming across to men as weak and in need of help? Some men love to rescue.

 

Some women appear as helpless.

 

Some women appear as needy.

 

Some women appear as insecure and vulnerable.

 

 

Are you any of these qualities listed?

 

I hope I'm not any of those qualities. I was thinking they liked me because I'm the opposite of those things; I'm pretty independent. Maybe I appear weak though...will have to think on that for a minute.

[OpenBook]

BluBell, you remind me of Amal Alamuddin Clooney. She is accomplished, successful, beautiful... and at 35 had given up on ever finding a mate and had resigned herself to being a spinster. Then she met George. And proceeded to land the most eligible bachelor on the planet. They are now happily married with twins.

 

She didn't compromise. She didn't settle. She just kept on going, kept on doing HER. I find that so inspiring. Apparently so did George.

 

I don't really know why, but this post of yours jumped out at me. Maybe you are trying too hard to be all things to all people? You don't have to, you know.

 

Also I want to address this right here. In my life, I literally do everything. I take care of everyone, and usually put my needs last. I single handedly cook entire meals for the holidays, support myself and contribute financially towards family members' well being, take care of everyone in my family anytime I'm needed, never bow out when a friend needs me for some reason, wear about ten different hats at work and manage a workload that most people can't even comprehend. I eat healthy and exercise regularly, and generally work hard to be someone's ideal partner in life and a decent contributing person to society. I do so much every single day. If anything, I need to do a whole lot less.

[littleblackheart]

Nothing to do with what you're doing.

 

I often get approached by married men (I'm 43), especially at school pick ups but elsewhere too. I don't date and I'm not available or interested enough to be in a relationship (work + kids full time with very little break) so I don"t give any particular 'come get me' vibe.

 

The two reasons I can think of are:

1. Age range, though it's always happened to some degree.

2. They already know I'm single. They're trying their luck for their own reasons (they need an ego boost, they're hitting a rough patch in their marriage, they're serial flirts or cheats).

 

It used to annoy me and made me feel sorry for their partners but now I shrug it off. Nothing I can do about it.

 

Don't worry about it and keep your focus on the single ones.

Edited August 24, 2018 by littleblackheart

[BluBell]

BluBell, you remind me of Amal Alamuddin Clooney. She is accomplished, successful, beautiful... and at 35 had given up on ever finding a mate and had resigned herself to being a spinster. Then she met George. And proceeded to land the most eligible bachelor on the planet. They are now happily married with twins.

 

She didn't compromise. She didn't settle. She just kept on going, kept on doing HER. I find that so inspiring. Apparently so did George.

 

I don't really know why, but this post of yours jumped out at me. Maybe you are trying too hard to be all things to all people? You don't have to, you know.

 

That’s maybe the kindest compliment I’ve had from a stranger! Thank you! And also very good advice, thank you again.

[BluBell]

Another married man just hit on me on Words with Friends..apparently this is the place for them to get their rocks off. It's like a backdoor tinder, I swear. Pay attention ladies!

[S2B]

Another married man just hit on me on Words with Friends..apparently this is the place for them to get their rocks off. It's like a backdoor tinder, I swear. Pay attention ladies!

 

There's no reason to use the chat feature on words with friends.

 

Even IF they send you any message - you don't have to respond.

 

Just play the game - don't interact with conversations.

[salparadise]

Are you coming across to men as weak and in need of help? Some men love to rescue.

 

Some women appear as helpless.

 

Some women appear as needy.

 

Some women appear as insecure and vulnerable.

 

Are you any of these qualities listed?

 

 

People project a certain kind of energy when they interact. It's not usually conscious or intentional at first, it's just there, a subtle difference, behind whatever words are actually being spoken. Some men, especially those who are successful with women, pick up on this energy and respond to it if they find the woman attractive. It's not characteristic of married vs. single, it's male-female energy that signals interest or attraction.

 

I think that both men and women use that energy to seek validation even when they know the circumstances do not allow for follow through... and sometimes especially then, as in this person is wearing a ring so it's safe to flirt a little because they're unavailable and off limits. They may flirt back but they can't cross the line.

 

There is also a commonly observed phenomena where people perceive others who are attached as more attractive and desirable. I know that when I was married I got hit on pretty often, and the hits were much more overt than what I've experienced before or after. It's complex and difficult to explain, but it's not imaginary. There were times when women took more initiative than I had ever imagined.

 

I'd suspect the answer to OP's question is to simply learn to control that energy. Turn it on when you're interested in a man who is single, and turn it off when interacting with married men. They may still give you a try, but if they don't get any of that energy in response they'll usually just move along.

Edited August 29, 2018 by salparadise