Is my marriage really over.

[Bettyloo4765]

I just want a bias opinion - am I crazy.

We've been together almost four years and married three years, he was perfect to begin with but after being married I saw he had a lot of hidden things about him. Porn addiction, debts etc.

I tend to keep my mouth shut about things and then eventually blow up about small things. Even when I try and talk to him about something small (like changing my data plan) he gets angry at me. Everything I do he's angry at me.

It's getting worst and worst.

 

My work gives me the chance to constantly travel, so I would work away for three months and then be with him in Canada for three or four months (I'm from the UK) Now I've been permanently with him in Canada for almost a year and it's really straining. Not only is it hard for me to make the transition from constantly travelling with work to be staying in one place, but he now won't sponsor me which means I'm on two extended visitor visas - so I can't work. I'm just spending all my savings.

But he doesn't get this part of stress.

 

I don't have family and I barely have many close friends. Everyone I do speak to is work friends. He works away for a week then comes home for a week. But it's such a negative, horrible intense week together.

I'm constantly walking on egg shells. I'm afraid to do anything because I'm afraid of arguing.

He doesn't like to go out with me anymore, or go to nice restaurants and have date nights. So we mainly just sit in the house. Which I get irritated at. And I can't go out on my own because that's also a problem. It was our three year anniversary the other day, I bought him an iphone10 and upgraded the diamonds in his wedding band and got it engraved. I got a small bouquet of flowers and he told me he didn't want to go out to dinner and celebrate because he didn't want to spend money. This made me feel s*** too. My husband didn't even want to acknowledge our celebration.

 

Mainly the arguments have really started the past four months. He didn't insure his car for about three months, police pulled us over and I found all of this out. I never got angry at him, he never gave me an explanation apart from "I just wanted to save some money". I was mad at him because I could of got in trouble without even being aware of driving a car with no insurance. Now he's not paying of his $4000 credit card or this $3000 fine from the court - because "he want's to save money". I try and get on at him to be responsible but again, I'm wrong.

It's always been in the back of my mind - what else are you hiding from me. Today I found a letter he's hidden in his toiletry bag about lying what he made last year and he now need's to pay money back to social benefits. Obviously he's hidden it in there so I don't see it.

When I was last away for work (about a year ago) he was telling me he was going to f*** another girl, he said he only told me this to hurt me. But again it's in the back of my head.

 

He's constantly looking at property and land, but I don't have a say in it. He want's to do it all without my say or opinion - but use partially my money too. So three weeks ago he kicked me out of the car on the side of a highway about 40 mins from our home. It was raining and cold, I had no coat, no house keys or no cell phone with me. Thankfully another car gave me a ride to the nearest stations and I stayed a night in a hotel, to avoid going home and waiting outside to be let in or avoid arguing, then took a taxi home the next day to be accused of f***ing someone even though I told him what I did and had the proof.

He's constantly trying to throw me out of our house, which resorts in me getting injured or him being scratched.

I'm fed up having no security with him, after I gave up my home in England. I furnish this whole apartment but he's constantly kicking me out. Now things are getting nasty and physically which makes me sick.

 

Almost a week ago now, I saw on his safari history porn sites and porn videos. It really made me feel s*** about myself. I felt really down and insecure about this. I told him what I saw and how it made me feel and to just delete it. But he wanted to lie to my face that he doesn't watch it and these was just pop ups - but I know that wasn't the case.

Next morning he gets out of our bed early in the morning to go into the spare room to watch more porn. This bothers me more.

We've always had a bad sex life, he can't get it up and he's now 38, even on viagra, most of the time it still doesn't work. He's told me several times it's because of me etc. So now seeing the porn and is this why he can't get hard for me, because he'd rather see this - makes me feel even shi*****

I've suggested stop watching so much porn - I'm crazy. (when I met him he said he would watch it about three or four times a day/night, so now I think this is what he's doing so much when he's away at work or constantly wakes up early to go in the spare room)

I've suggested go talk to a therapist - I'm crazy.

I can't win, I feel like everything I don't accept or what hurts me I have to shut up about because only he is right.

 

The past year he's gone out of his way to ignore me also, I can be sitting right next to him and ask something simple like ' do you want a drink', he'll ignore me... I'll ask again... He'll ignore me... I'll ask again, he'll look at me then ignore me... I'll shout and ask him and he gets mad cause I'm bugging him, shouting etc.

No matter how many times I ask him why he does this - I'm wrong.

So I stop talking and trying to engage conversation - I'm wrong cause I'm quiet.

 

I'm so drained, I can't win with anything. And I'm tired from constantly arguing with one another. I need him to show me he's committed instead of kicking me out of the house every week. If I tell him I need to feel like you love me, his response "all I try and do is make you happy"... So why am I never happy.

 

I'm not going to sit here and act like I'm perfect because I too have said some nasty things in anger or smacked him. But I can't even recall an argument because of something I've done. We always argue because of him and his actions.

 

My head tells me to leave and my heart tells me to stay because i love him. But I'm scared to walk away and finding a home again, getting my own car again, trying to get back into my work and moving countries again all frightens me and doing it alone. I'm almost 28 and want children but I don't want children with my husband. Am I crazy and complaining about stupid things or am I right to stand up for what I don't accept or what hurts my feelings.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I'm scared to walk away and finding a home again, getting my own car again, trying to get back into my work and moving countries again all frightens me and doing it alone.

 

Let's start with this - staying married because you're afraid to leave isn't going to solve any of your problems. Regardless of the outcome here, you'll have to be brave to get what you want.

 

How long did you date before you became engaged and/or moved in together? It doesn't sound like there was any clear expression in terms of goals and plans, certainly his refusal to sponsor you is an example. Didn't you discuss these things in advance?

 

As a couple, you'd benefit from counseling to improve the communication in your relationship. Between your passive/aggressive approach and his anger, I'm surprised you're able to agree on anything.

 

There are steps you could take to improve things but, before that, you need to decide if there's anything worth saving. Welcome to LoveShack, sorry you find yourself in this mess...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

I'm not sure your marriage even started. You may love him but he doesn't love you. He kicked you out of the car on the side of the road in the rain with no coat, house keys or phone. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy. He ignores you. He fights with you & he doesn't consider you a partner.

 

 

There is nothing worth staying for. Close your bank accounts (take your money but leave his). Go back to your country & divorce him.

[Orokotikki]

You deserve better! Do not waste a fifth year with this person!

 

He seems very abusive and manipulative, and is refusing to meet your needs.

 

I am very sorry you are going through all this, but you cannot control or change him, only yourself!

 

Move out and file!

[Zahara]

Am I crazy and complaining about stupid things or am I right to stand up for what I don't accept or what hurts my feelings.

 

Goodness. Stupid things? This is not a marriage. If you have a daughter and she called you up one day and told you her husband was doing all this to her -- you'd tell her it's no big deal, just stupid rants? What would you advise her to do? You're so deep in dysfunction you can't even tell what's wrong or right. This thread was horrifying to read. He does not love you, no, no, not one bit. He has absolute spite and contempt for you and blatantly shows you through his actions. He's not shy about it and he knows he can disrespect you because you will stay there and take it. And no, he's not going to change.

 

my head tells me to leave and my heart tells me to stay because i love him. But I'm scared to walk away and finding a home again, getting my own car again, trying to get back into my work and moving countries again all frightens me and doing it alone.

 

How could you possibly love someone that treats you so horribly? You don't love him. You've become dependent on him and your self-esteem is broken. A woman that has value will not tolerate a man treating her like something under his shoe.

 

You're 28. Stop wasting your years on this man. And please do not bring children into this destructive environment. If anything your situation with him should motivate you to find courage and leave. Finding a home, a new car, getting a new job is far less frightening than spending the rest of your life with this man.

 

Restarting your life will come with temporary bumps in the road but staying with this man will be permanent hell. Choose wisely.

Edited August 24, 2018 by Zahara

[vla1120]

As soon as I read that he is not willing to sponsor you, that was all I needed to know. That's not a marriage with a loving partner. Number one, put your money in your own account so he does not have access to it. Number two, get back into your job, even if only long enough to determine where you want to live, etc. Number three, file for divorce from afar. You are young. Take some time to find someone who will care for and respect you, and who will be a good father to your children. Do you think this man would be a good father for your children? That's all you need to know. Take care of yourself and best of luck.